UnBooks: Snakes on a Plane Training Manual
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After recent disasters, it has become necessary to pen a proper training manual for all airline staff should, despite all the odds, snakes should somehow find their way onto a plane and begin to bite people. While this is unlikely, all contingencies regarding airline safety must be covered in depth to protect both staff and passengers.
Contents |
[edit] Chapter One: Protecting your Pilot
Your pilot is the key element in guiding your plane to safety. Should your pilot be killed, your only hope is that someone on the plane conveniently knows how to fly an airplane, or is an extremely fast learner. As that only occurs in ridiculous, overproduced movies, you should be prepared to defend your pilot at all costs.
[edit] Method One
- Find the Samuel Jackson now conveniently installed inside your plane. He should be located next to the first aid kid.
- Get him to say something about mothafuckin' snakes on his mothafuckin' plane. While this is not necessary to protect your pilot, it's very funny.
- Escort Mr. Jackson to the front of the plane. He'll take care of it.
[edit] Method Two
- Rip your shirt off and bellow loudly.
- Wrestle any and all snakes into submission.
- Turn the snakes to your side and force them to do your bidding, then turn to superheroism.
[edit] Method Three
- Find your Snake-Off.
- Apply directly to the forehead.
- Find your Snake-Off.
- Apply directly to the forehead.
- Find your Snake-Off.
- Apply to your goddamn forehead.
[edit] Chapter Two: Passengers
Passengers are extremely low priority. Watching them die would probably be really funny, and you can still claim you did everything to help them. To really irritate them, attempt to continually calm them down. Refuse to say that anything is wrong. Also, make sure to survive, as that really makes them mad. They're so cute when they're angry.
