UnNews:Alabama to keep ban on sex toys, Pope overjoyed

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6 December 2007

Alabama Citizens can't own a sex toy, but lethal assault rifles are A-OK

MONTGOMERY, Alabama - In a surprising twist of events yesterday, the eleventh US Circuit Court of Appeals voted against making Alabama lift its 1998 ban on sex toys. The three judges, after much debate, ruled that the Constitution did not grant the right to sexual privacy and gave the OK to the ban, despite much disapproval from the Alabama Pro-Vibrator Lobbyists. Many of these lobbyists argued that the First Amendment of the Constitution gives them rights to sexual privacy and freedom and that, they say, should allow them to buy vibrators if they so choose. However, while much of the American population would agree with this argument, the Alabama judges stood by their decision.

The case regarding the ban was unusually long and drawn out, spanning over 2 days. Two of the three judges were native Alabama men, both in their late 50's. The third was a young woman in her 30's named Amanda Smith. There has been much speculation about how she managed to get her job, however most men just chalk it up to 'sleeping with the guy that gave it to her'. There was much controversy regarding Justice Smith's vote, as many supporters of the ban have said that her ruling on the case was overly biased in favor of lifting the ban. When asked about what she thought on the subject, Justice Smith had this to say: "The current ban Alabama has on all sexual aid products is entirely uncalled for. Vibrators and similar products are a great aid to women who do not have the time to go and find a man suitable to date and are in need of stimulation." When asked if she was one of these women, Justice Smith gave our reporter no comment and stormed off angrily. The controversy, however, did not make very much of a difference because the other two justices, both carrying heavy assault rifles at the time, "persuaded" Justice Smith to vote against abolishing the ban.

The Pope, upon hearing the summary of this case, was overjoyed by this ruling. His Holiness proposed to the Catholic Church that it be written into religious law that no Catholic be permitted to own or use a sex toy. The decision on this is currently unknown. Many women have threatened to convert to Judaism if this suggestion passes, which will greatly reduce the Catholic influence on the world and greatly increase the population of Jews in America. While the likely outcome is currently unknown, the Jewish population is hoping it passes.

Many Americans are baffled about the unusual ban on the sex toys and the motives behind it. One South Floridian man's thoughts on the subject are that: "The people of Alabama are afraid to lift the ban because they think that the sex toys will create offspring that are more intelligent than they are." Many people agree with this statement.