UnNews:Archive/August 2006
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[edit] August 1
- Al-Gayda casts die in Israeli conflict
- Castro Doing Well After Cigar Transplant
- Castro undergoes surgery; citizens flee while they can
- Castro's Brother Raul Liberates Cuba
- God Dealt To Yankees At Trade Deadline
- Iceland rumored hiding in the Fiji islands
- Jews of the World: Israel Who?
- Miami celebrates Castro's replacement with Castro
- New President Bush CD Brings Heat
- Police launch manhunt for beer burglar
- President Bush Vetoes Himself
- Teen Skanks Herped Out
[edit] August 2
- Australia Declares War On Antarctica, Carrot Juice
- Blogger stoked by spike in traffic
- EU vows to end Mideast strife with "Children's Crusade"
- First Hurricane of the Season Pretty Lame
- God sues Westboro Baptist Church
- Keith Richards outlines Darfur peace plans
- Political Correctness goes Kim Jong-Il
- Welshman sick of people using the word "welsh"
[edit] August 3
- 'Bugger that for a joke,' says Australian soldier
- Castro Dies, Granted Sainthood By Catholic Church
- E-stonia bans internet
- Marie Osbourne Suicide Ruled "Cute"
- No Elephants in Africa
- OUCH quarterback kicked off of team for forgetting to cut bear's nuts off
- Rumsfeld gives Clinton two options
- Tropical Storm Chris approaches No Orleans
- U.S. to deport Catholics
[edit] August 4
- Annan visits new Martian leaders
- BRA leaders declare ceasefire
- Chron Aquires a New Laptop with the Uncyc Sales Funds
- Counter-revolution in Cuba begins
- Germans Send Gunboat Panther to Agadir
- Goanna ordered to see optometrist
- Iran declares war on next hurricane
- Lebanese suckas gettin' blasted!
- Mel Gibson gets ripped on jelly babies and claims that the Welsh are all "mugnuggets"
- Microsoft come clean, admit "Our software created by monkeys"
- More monkey business at Microsoft
- Semantic Uncyclopedia Released
- Sweden preemptively deports "Pastor" Fred Phelps
- War On Antarctica Continues
- Wikipedia will stop at nothing to quash Uncyclopedia
[edit] August 5
[edit] August 6
- Australia orders fleet of prison hulks
- Cthulhu severs ties with Miskatonic University
- Freemasons hold fundraiser; refuse to say why
- UDAEP
- Uncyclopedia rejoices at the second coming of glorious leader
[edit] August 7
- Chronarion's Second Coming Causing a Wave of Fundamentalism
- Digg's Kevin Rose Comes Out
- Foreigners don't understand democracy, says Bush
- Kim Jong-Il makes guest appearance on 'Have I Got News for You?'
- Mexico seeks return to pre-1848 borders
- Paris Hilton announces the muffin shop is closed.
[edit] August 8
- "Where is the love?" asks stud stallion
- AOL Discloses Searches Of All Two Subscribers
- Hezbollah Popularity Rises With New Mascot
- Mark Webber is rubbish, says Australian Formula One champ
- Top Emo band battles scenester anger
- Water On Mars
[edit] August 9
- Liquid Lard Beverages Linked to Obesity Says Study
- Mexico approves deeper offensive
- Mexico prepares to invade US; claims "Israel did it."
- Steve Irwin Found
- Twins Doing Well After Being Surgically Conjoined
[edit] August 10
[edit] August 11
- 1 Million Dead from Chinese Typhoon "No Biggie"
- Billy Mays' Head Explodes
- Britain Foils Toothpaste Smuggling Terrorist Plot
- Galactic Alliance Court of Justice invalidates JPL
- Hallucinating Kettle called black by Pot
- Heathrow Airport Heralds New Invention - Queues
- Pastafarian uprising stuns Middle East
- Uncyclopedia Announces Hostile Takeover of Wikipedia
[edit] August 12
- All-purpose Jesus announces hostile takeover bid
- Middle East "World of War" Server to Undergo Maintenance at 7am Monday
- Undercover Kitten Killed in Israeli Attack
[edit] August 13
- Exclusive interview with Satan, big fan of Uncyclopedia
- Israel Goes Medieval on Hezbollah's Ass
- Tensions mount between dead Austrian Rap legend and plate of polenta, onlookers annoyed
- Terror Attacks! They’re coming…For you!
- Three die in airport terminal after dehydration; airport security measures to blame
- US forces kill 26 Canadian rebels
[edit] August 14
- "I Let Falco Out Of Hell!": Billy Mays Reveals All
- Bin Laden releases video; demands release of Mokey plush
- Chinese blogger's death brings the gift of life
- Last week something disappeared
- Luggage, Clothes Banned on Planes
- Moro Islamic Liberation Front needs new acronym
- NewTextCompressionAlgorithmInvented
- Snakes Banned From Carry-On Luggage on Planes
- UK terror threat level downgraded
- Update:Unidentified Missing Object Believed To Be Bottle Of Brandy
[edit] August 15
- 10,000 bags “misplaced” at airports
- Congress Declares "Proper Time" to Admit Mexicans
- Coons, spicks, and Ching Chongs on the rise
- Crack Vandal Finds God, Begs For Forgiveness
- Hezbollah: We Won
- Iran threatens to invade yo mama
- Iran's president is a total h4x0r!!!!11!1!!! lollollollolol!!!!111!!
- Israel: We Won
- Man held for insulting Bush
- Paris Hilton Killed By Tourists Trying to Get Rooms in Paris
- Pope says Church not a string of "nos"
- Russia: We won
- Self-referential article creates chasm of controversy
- Syria Says US Plans for Middle East an illusion....Bcause we won
- Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Enjoys Weekend at Fidel's
[edit] August 16
- Dude with Bob Marley Sticker Ignorant of Marley's Beliefs
- Europe faces 'very real threat'
- France: Oui surrender
- Hell: We Won
- John Reid Goes Bat Fuck Insane
- L.A. waterfight hurts eight, spawns 75 lawsuits
- Phone books are our cultural heritage, say police
- Plane explodes in Boston
- Pope Thrown into Asylum
- San Francisco combats hardcore homeless problem
- Serious NHS Shortcomings Persist
- Sesame Street introduces new character
- Three new planets named; Bush asked to name them all.
- Zamfir reclaims limelight after horrific accident
[edit] August 17
- Airstrike accidentally kills a baker's dozen of Afghan police
- Allen headbutts Macaca
- Environmentalist straps himself to back of whale to protest bulldozing
- Germans argue over Lebanon role
- Japanese PM to visit Kitty Paradise
- John Mark Karr confesses to Lindbergh baby kidnapping
- London spontaneously combusts due to 1777 degree heatwave
- OJ Simpson Arrested for JonBenet Ramsey Killing
- Sharon In Stable Condition After Dip In Copperfield's Fountain of Youth
- Tony Blair: Terrorists to be frozen-“like sperm.”
- US judge rules wiretaps illegal; nobody cares
- Update: John Reid Captured, Found To Be Possessed By Pope Benedict XVI
[edit] August 18
- Bombers Threaten to Blow Up Taj Mahal
- Britney Spears Unplanned Pregnancy
- Bush, Lebanon Seek Greater French Role in UN Force
- Experts: Earth No Longer a Planet
- Fantasy Football Injuries Costly for Business
- France sends 200 soldiers to Lebanon, predicts victory
- Lieberman plans to continue political career in Israel
[edit] August 19
- Breast Implants decrease Intellegence but won't give you Cancer
- Bush Calls U.S. Constitution "Naive"
- Could Queen Latifah be considered a planet?
- Saudi Arabia buys 72 Euroipods
- Update: British Prime Minister Blair Frozen in Block of Ice by Iranian Ambassador
[edit] August 20
- Bush wins second prize in a beauty contest, $10
- FDA approves virus spray for meats that will raise Bush’s approval
- Minister just making up history as he goes
[edit] August 21
- Italy may replace France as main UN peacekeeping force
- JonBenet suspect rates airline food
- Palestinian Cabinet Moved
- Palpatine rejects withdrawal from Kashyyyk
- Saddam demands new lawyers
- Tiger Woods cures cancer
- US bans 'contaminated' Japanese tourists
[edit] August 22
- Ahmadinejad oversleeps, forgets to destroy world
- Bush admits Iraq war is straining nation's psychics
- News Outlawed
- Nobel Prize Winner Still Nazi
- Saddam goes on trial for ball tampering
- Steelers: We Won
[edit] August 23
- 'Ethical' Metroid lines created
- Iran agrees to have "talk" with girlfriend America
- Paramount drops Tom Cruise after actor's confession
- Russian weirdo refuses math prize, no one cares
- War-Weary Morbidly Curious Rally for JonBenet Case
[edit] August 24
- 'Year After' pill approved for wider sales
- Astronomers Drop Pluto After Erratic Behavior
- Bush administration: Earth only Planet that Really Matters
- Dell says laptop fire problem "overheated"
- FDA approves sale of morning after pill without prescription
- Osama bin Laden elected to local school board
- Pluto totally dissed
- Vogons: Earth no longer a planet
[edit] August 25
- "Drunkest City" Milwaukee arrested in bar fight with Chicago
- Africa loses status as a continent
- France Pledges 1600 Troops; UN Surrenders
- Israel Purchases Two Nuclear-Capable Dolphins
- Jesus sues Jews for Jesus over pamphlet
- Police foil terrorist plot to put snakes on a plane
[edit] August 26
- Bush undercuts Hezbollah, sends aid to Lebanon
- Howard Dean intends to campaign on Jupiter
- Hurricane Katrina: seems as though it just happened yesterday
- Iran defies IAU, maintains that Pluto is a planet
- Midgets outraged at Pluto's new "dwarf" status
- Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition
- TCS hits 3 billion dollars, gifts pocket radio to employees
- UnNews users create another Pluto-related article; world groans
[edit] August 27
- "Ernest Goes to Haiti" to be released in theatres this week
- Bush meets with economic advisors
- Journalists finally released after humiliating 13-day hazing in Gaza
- Man shits iPod, becomes terrorist
- Prima donna convict demands better prison sentence
[edit] August 28
- Internet Explorer no longer a Browser
- Karr freed in JonBenet case: "Oops, my mistake!"
- New math-based terrorist group uncovered
- PS3 cures cancer, competition not alarmed
- Poster of Britney Spears getting boned okay for Tokyo subway
- The Governator hospitalized; claims "it's not a tumor!"
- Tiger Woods renews pact with Satan
[edit] August 29
- Clown family dies in plane crash
- Consumer confidence drops in August
- Instapundit on Katrina lessons: "Blame the media"
- Investment Bankers laugh for not being invited
- John Mark Karr wins Emmy for best actor in a crime drama
[edit] August 30
- Moronic T-shirt sparks airport row
- Pincer attack of Arctic and Antarctic air leaves island paradise out in the cold
- U.S. polygon sect leader arrested
