UnNews:Archive/February 2007
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[edit] February 1
- Boston thrown into chaos after nuclear detonations
- Brit Chef serves up Crap
- Final Harry Potter book "will be shit"
- Hand sanitizer a good way to beat drunk breath test
- Unknown User declared bat fuck insane
[edit] February 2
- Fat chicks outlawed in Japan
- Humans “to blame” for climate change
- Irish Duckists rebel
- New Waterford residents prepare for Glory Hole Classic
- Official: Bears Do Sh*t in the Woods!
- Police reunite for murder case
- Senator Biden regrets calling Obama "clean," now refers to him as "dirty"
[edit] February 3
- Brandy charged with "driving while black"
- Cookie truck gets flipped; all hell breaks loose
- Germany joins Axis Of Evil with rest of Europe
- Harry potter book sales predicted to plunge after J.K rowling unveils sex scene wrap-up
- Iranian Ambassador rapes Punxsutawney Phil
- Israeli minister convicted of kissing woman
- Liberal America-hating communist to enter Senate race
- U. S. Department of Health and Human Services institutes homophobia code
- UnNews writer can't top reality
[edit] February 4
- Chewbacca arrested!
- Clinton eulogizes stepfather
- Fashion: Abercrombie out, Garbage In!
- Maddox doesn't update; the end is nigh!
- Pekingg two collect badengrish tlansrations fo publik sines
- Ted Turner: publicity stunt was "performance art"
- YouTube ordered to remove 100,000 videos
[edit] February 5
- "I love rape" declares George Bush
- Capita letter-bombed, entire UK population suspected
- Cherie Blair's naked pagan shower sex romps with topless model
- Coroner censures Network Rail for providing too much warning
- Florida state officials find bomb; turns out to be roadkill
- God denies connection with Colts' owner
- Grizzly bear mauls colt in post-Superbowl revenge killing
- Iran Cures AIDS
- Obama considers name change
- Pelosi bill would have Bush cracking the books
- Prince experiences "wardrobe malfunction" on stage during Super Bowl XLI
- Van Halen to reunite with Roth
- Wikipoodia declares war
- Wiltshire police in panty promo
- Woman spared jail after using pet cat as a hair-piece
[edit] February 6
- Cartoon Network launches "Obscene Bugger Farce"
- Celebrities: "Testicles are a great stress reliever"
- Chubby Checker seeks Internet meme status
- Federal Agent Infiltrates Hell
- Internet Safety Day cures paedophilia once again
- Kate Moss dropped from lucrative advertising contracts, again
- Racist fan still thinks a white coach would have beaten Dungy in the Super Bowl
- San Francisco outlaws spanking between consenting adults
- Scientists invent a giant donut
- Study topples pyramid, gives USDA black eye
- Ted Haggard declared "completely heterosexual"
[edit] February 7
- "I love democracy" declares Palpatine
- "Wired" police officer electrocuted
- Burger King introduces Bun Burger
- Burger King introduces Bun Burgers
- Duckist rebels meet opposition in Donegal
- Hackers briefly overwhelm three key porn servers
- New archaelogical evidence indicates existence of "Fresh Prince"
- New retirement home for Santa in the cards
- Scooter Libby, accused of another crime
- UK to bury nuclear waste
[edit] February 8
- Anna Nicole Smith: Death by Twinkie
- BBC unveils plan to clone Natasha Kaplinsky
- Harvard unveils new karaoke program
- Radical Muslim to be Contestant on Deal or No Deal
- Spaghetti Westerns attempt comeback
- Tennessee to recognize Redneck as official state language
- UK under attack from snow
[edit] February 9
- Automobile to single-handedly demasculinize the U.S.A.
- Daniel Craig Karate-Chops a Pirated DVD Peddler after receiving pirated Casino Royale DVD in China
- Douglas Feith Exonerated
- Haggard still "fabulous!"
- Joke Writer Dies of Stroke
- Sharon Osbourne: Thief will get leprosy
- Unscrupulous over-the-counter diet pill
[edit] February 10
- Annoying sign-language guy ruins perfectly good movie
- Anti-whaling pesk kids
- Boy subjected to harsh criticism, cries like little girl
- Czech president catches stray testicle
- Elsuive Duckist killing Sheep release statement
- Executioner admits he never finished high school
- GM Robot to enter cognitive therapy
- Image of Anna Nicole Smith found in peanut butter
- NASA trip to Uranus called off
- National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
- Upstate New York buried by nuclear winter
[edit] February 11
- America accuses Iran of stealing cookies from the cookie jar
- California introduces Sharia Law - but which type?
- German Officer Killed, Usual Suspects Rounded Up
- Leslie Nielsen is old
- Pentagon revives nose art
- Star Trek XI to feature new Kirk, Spock, Doctor Who
- U. S. surprised by Putin
- UnBooks used as toilet paper, angry UnBook lovers mob
- Wikipedian Loses Account, Suspects Jimbo
[edit] February 12
- Bush derides "Abstinence only" in combat on global warming
- Coarse conduct confounds construction
- Followup to smash hit Vista already in production
- Iranian president's heart crushed by bully
- New Bush Lie Machine Revs Up
- Russia to rebuild, sell military machine
- US accuses Iran of poor fashion sense
- Wonder Woman "not so wonderful anymore"
[edit] February 13
- "Your opinion matters, tell it to the hand" says UK Government
- Capital One Employees Rape, Pillage Office Building
- DNA tests reveal that I am Anna Nicole's baby's father
- Harry Potter to do nude scene with horse
- John Petroski finds that rape hurts, even if you don't fight it
- Media Embarassment as Bird Flu Fails to Harm...Anyone?
- Unseen Star Trek series discovered
- Whedon to "homosexualize" Marvel Comics
[edit] February 14
- Accused astronaut wined and dined
- CCSU Editor Calls Lightning "Magical"
- CIA worker lauded for beating
- Cleopatra = UNattractive
- Death fridge terrorizes nation
- Is Kansas Godless? Or just stupid?
- Robbie Williams back in rehab after becoming addicted to wierd pseudo-rap lyrics
- Saint Valentines day a rip-off says St Valentine
- Space Love Triangle case resolved, defendant not guilty
- UK children are a bunch of lazy bastards
- Weezil Greeting Cards: holidays are such a joke!
[edit] February 15
- Ancient chimps invented hammer
- Bush asks Congress for Surge for troops
- Lawyer falls to his death at Tate Modern
- Man shooting teenagers in London turns out to be environmentalist offsetting his carbon emissions
- New Mexico talking urinal cakes laugh at your small wiener
- Nicholas Cage sustains Elvis impersonation for nearly 90 minutes
- Take That to melt down Brit award into gun and shoot Robbie Williams
- UnNews- New study reveals that gingers annoy the shit out of people!
[edit] February 16
- Blair promotes dead-powered power plants
- Celebrities return to first loves
- Cleveland man not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby
- Irish Duckists Storm The Beaches of Derry and Antrim
- Kansas allows Evolution to be taught after scientist provides compelling evidence
- Kansas education reforms: Do they go too far enough?
- Landlord Wants To Show Your Apartment
- Rosie O'Donnell enters rehab
- Russell Brands "Brand" of humour raises eyebrows
[edit] February 17
- Britney Spears experiences "miracle cure"
- Homosexuals in danger of extinction
- NASA goes psychedelic
- Orangutang claims to father Smith baby
[edit] February 18
- Army launches new recruiting ad campaign
- Baby dragon shocks owner
- Britney Spears cast as Bull in "Night Court" movie
- Britney bald after "miracle cure"
[edit] February 19
- Asteroid impact 2038 - Earth definitely doomed (again)
- Critics call new duck "innovative"
- Dope on a Rope invention called "promising"
- FA Cup Football : Top 3 avoid each other thanks to Chief Ballwarmer
- Queen gets new hat
- Reports say God is coming
- Second Coming of Anna Nicole Smith not expected anytime soon
- UN announces new radiation symbol
- UNICEF puts the UK at top of its league
[edit] February 20
- "Some standard sandwich-condiments are ungodly," Catholic church claims
- Alan Colmes decries ratings
- Anna Nicole Smith, paternity claims increasing
- Anna Nicole paternity suit elevated to class action
- Beethoven isn't deaf, he's just ignoring his girlfriend
- Microsoft CEO dampens Vista sales forecast
- Mordor holds rare Middle-Earth summit
- New "Simpsons" movie to be larger than the 834 TV episodes
- Overly Literal Internet Creep Stalks Facebook
- Revealed:"I’m Anna Nicole’s Baby’s Daddy"
- Scientist: Frog could be 25 million years old
- Three climbers and dog rescued from stranded JetBlue plane
- UK National Health Service "paying too much" for drugs
[edit] February 21
- 12 year old victim of "Religious Intolerance"
- Experts predict Flu Pandemic will avert Global Warming and save Earth
- Mugabe: UK set 'gay gangsters' on me
- Spears secures role of Kojak in new movie
- Spears surprises fans and media with new bald look
[edit] February 22
- Britney Spears desperately tries to take media spotlight away from Anna Nicole
- Clinton backer breaks leash runs away to Obama yard
- Homeland Security: Living anime characters a "significant" threat to public safety
- Lost Gospel Reveals Relations Between Early Christianity and Scientology
- Plans to build another Mt. Everest postponed
- Toxic gas latest insurgent weapon
- Workplaces drug workers
- World Powers Await Iran's Report Card
[edit] February 23
- Anna Nicole Smith dead, other stuff also probably happening
- Car drives through mural at art center
- Flock of pigs terrorize Senate offices; Clinton still refuses to apologize for Iraq vote
- No need for witch doctors - I'm staying, says Mugabe
- Reid outlines New Attitude to Guns in the UK
- UN introduces new hazard warnings
[edit] February 24
- Clint Eastwood announces bid for presidency
- Hylian teen arrested for property damage
- Japan launch really secret satellite
- Medical research links cancer, breathing
- Mitch Hedberg celebrates birthday, in heaven.
- New Hellmouth opens in Guatemala City?
- Teacher admits entering hundreds of schoolboys
[edit] February 25
- Al Gore poised to win Oscar for "Best Vice President in a Movie"
- Beowulf's Barrow discovered!
- God found dead at age of 15 billion
- Peter O'Toole eaten alive by Last King of Scotland star Forest Whitaker
- President not eaten by grue
- Student arrested for 15lbs of crack
- Study shows most zombies seeking a healthier diet
- Wikipedia admin gets laid
[edit] February 26
- Al Sharpton arrested as runaway slave
- Children's book publishers release censorship guidelines
- Economists declare Asia fucking rules!
- Female bomber trashes Shi'ite campus
- James Cameron finds lost tomb of Popeye
- Mel Brooks latest film exclusive "Life of MelGibson"
- Michael Jackson UnNews Exclusive "I only stopped Smoking crack to get Whitney Houston off my back!"
- Super obese eight year old may destroy planet!
[edit] February 27
- Al Gore implicated in profiteering from climate change, Acadamy pulls Oscar
- Epic film "Anna Nicole's Trials" makes Oscar sweep with nine wins
- Justice League rocked by sexless scandal
- Pakistani man sells wife's soul to buy tractor
- Rain moistens Shuttle, delays launch
- Shit about to hit fan at 911 call center
- Stargate signal knocks out garage door openers
- Stocks plummet in response to Cheney surviving Taliban attack
- Taliban shoots Cheney


