UnNews:Archive/January 2007
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[edit] January 1
- Allowable insect parts, rodent hairs in food increases
- Exclusive: Saddam's gardener executed, Saddam at large
- Michael Jackson eulogizes James Brown
- Mother Teresa appears in KY handprint
- Ozzy Osbourne goes off the rails on a crazy train; dies
- Predictable old man breaks hip
- Saudi king rockets onto approved dictators list
- World didn't end again
[edit] January 2
- "Emma Roberts is not Nancy Drew," protesters say
- "Ipswich Ripper - The Musical" outrages the media
- Bush vows to learn new tricks in the New Year
- Local Waitress doesn't think your kid is so cute
- Pope introduces eighth deadly sin
- Saddam's tomb found empty after 3 days; resurrected leader appears to followers
- Six Flags to sell severed legs in gift shop
- Toyota markets "gay" automobile
[edit] January 3
- Hope sucked out of Wikipedia, experts report
- Oprah Winfrey opens South African starfucking academy
- Pat Paulsen to run for president in 2008
- Saddam victim of "happy slapping"
- U. S. Treasury revamps dollar bill (again)
[edit] January 4
- Clock ticking on Pelosi
- Constitution Repealed by Executive Order
- Internet Explorer 6 is not responding
- Invisible zoo cited for fraud
- Las Vegas outlaws Michael Jackson
- New video shows hanging of those who released video of Saddam hanging
- Pat Robertson planning terrorist attack under the direction of Satan
- Saddam Hussein to be Executed Again for Missing WMDs
- Sex clowns popular at adult parties
- Uncyclopedia to host homeless Esperanzian
- Wikipedia sells out to Uncyclopedia
[edit] January 5
- Bush, seeking new generals, taps Boy Scouts
- Parents defend controversial decision on trust-fund daughter
- Porn is finished, kaput, out of here, gonzo
- United States invasion of Iran imminent
[edit] January 6
- Criminals getting younger
- House outlaws Senate
- Mysterious fart debacles Middle-Eastern summit
- New MMORPG "First Life" gaining popularity
- OU Coach Bob Stoops: Boise St. must've cheated, somehow
- Stars must "check science facts"
[edit] January 7
- Alabama okays latex bikinis
- Blair: Saddam execution was "completely wrong"
- Boy Scouts introduce new merit badges
- CBS Announce New TV Comedy
- Minister says only Doctor Who can save science, world
- Pelosi institutes new rules for House
- US Army looking for 'undead' soldiers
[edit] January 8
- Another bird flu outbreak successfully covered up
- Leopard creates bathroom mayhem
- Lords consider mental health laws
- Microsoft sends out shockwaves across the web -- "we have thought of our own feature!"
- Mysterious flatulence hits New York
- Sex "cuts public speaking stress"
- Stephen Hawking invents robotic exoskeleton for upcoming space walk
[edit] January 9
- Apple stocks rise on introduction of new iToilet
- Baroness heads M.A.R.S. after boardroom shakeup
- Big, fat, pink celebrities, celebrate the Pig Year in China
- Bugger ON: New "Uncyclopedia DIET" welcome by readers
- Bugger off: Uncyclopedia blocks posts from the United States
- Bush takes cue from Chavez; vows to nationalize media
- Cows in Ireland contract fungi, entire Irish potato crop fails
- Disney's Tigger takes stern action against copyright violators
- Doctor finds cure for "Human Condition"
- Pirate ghosts suspected in death of Scooby-Doo creator, Iwao Takamoto
- STI decides to "do evil"
- Seditious "historian" executed for terrorist jaywalking
- Somalia targets Bushists in Southern US Village
- Unknown stench in Manhattan as Giants, Jets return
[edit] January 10
- A diet pill too good to be true?
- Apple unveils new device - the "rotary phone"
- Britain considers Moon mission
- Bush to announce Iraqi troop increase
- Dude would like totally bone Nancy Pelosi anyway
- IPhone big hit among wealthy, stupid
- IPhone infuriates zealots, big hit among time travelers.
- Lack of Manpower, US Army Reenlists Dead
- Microsoft announces new Z-Phone
- New Yorkers smell fresh air, run like Hell
- Pelosi's 100-Hour Plan Drags on at Wikipedia
- Serial Reviver on the Loose
- Whitley Strieber launches 'stylish' anal probe
[edit] January 11
- Beckham to move to Uncyc Rovers FC
- Canadian Spies!
- Controversy over presidential "all ur base r blong 2 me" signing statement
- Elvira dies again
- England Cricketers to try new tactic
- Home Office in "prisoners in clownsuits" outrage
- House increases maximum wage from 515 to 725 million dollars per year
- McCall in Face stuck / Wind Change shock
- Obama changes name
- Pelosi reburbishes office
- Snakes found on Plane
- Tom Cruise to sign for Real Madrid
- UK copyright extension needed to motivate deceased artists
[edit] January 12
- Bill O'Reilly condemns subway rescuer for "disgusting physical closeness to another man"
- Blair backs "ignorant" ministers
- How to spot a psychopath at work
- Luxembourg annexes portions of Belgium, France
- Robert Anton Wilson assassinated at 75
- Scientology exhibit valiantly protects the mentally ill
- Statue castrated
- Transforming emoticon destroys boys shirt, life
- US sends Libertarianism to cleanse Somali government
- USA "Underwhelmed" by prospect of Beckham
[edit] January 13
- Annoying little git sweeps Put Out or Get Out
- Boy arrested after hide and seek game got "out of hand"
- Christian activists fight homosexual produce
- Condoleezza Rice vows not to appear nude in Playboy (or anywhere else)
- Hillary Clinton to be added to Mt. Rushmore
- Local newscaster says Arnold Schwarzenegger is a nigga
- Mhaille institutes "Final Solution" to vandalism problem
- Paris Hilton: "Is it 2007 already?"
- Scotland provokes alien invasions if independent, says Brown
[edit] January 14
- Darwin TV examined after Tube deaths
- Exclusive Interview with Benson
- Hugo Chávez announces "socialist revolution," tops 2007 Dead Pools worldwide
- Iraq disaster forces British Army to deploy royalty as cannonfodder
- President Bush: "We are winning the War on Subways"
- Ruth Kelly sending her disabled child to private school
- Tourism slump in The Bay area is due to mothers, says study
- Trabant-Microsoft automobile unveiled
- White House announces State of the Union rerun
[edit] January 15
- "Hold your dork for Zork" competition clears up last of gamer infestation
- BBC plans documentary "I Love The C-Word"
- Bush: "Hang 'em high!"
- Kylie Minogue cancels tour dates after costume "malfunction"
- New England Patriots sign five-year extension with Satan
- Noah: "change your ways or drown!"
- Rosie rips Pope and Pooh
- Sunnis, Shia clash at Australian Open tennis
- Uncyclopedia Writer "Videshi" Gets Frustrated
- Wimbledon organisers fear tennis hooligan rioting
[edit] January 16
- "Lost" writers in talks about ending
- Al-Qaeda operative spills the beans
- Fidel Castro dead, vows to continue as Cuban president
- Gods launch wiki-Bible
- Jimbo steps into Uncyclopedia Cabal race
- Kidnapper Michael Devlin was President of local Mac User Group
- Majority of annoying women finally chase spouses out of house
- Mushrooms among brainiest vegetables
- Obama takes first step toward losing presidential election
- Powerball winner also wins "Dumbest SOB on Planet" award
- Romanian skull suggests link between gay men and Neanderthals
- School rock'n'roll gets extra funding
- Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
- Tony Blair embraces nudism
- True origin of Reed Richards revealed
[edit] January 17
- "Think" Graffiti Artist Captured.
- 165 today, Muhammad Ali's "greatest" quotes
- Airport worker sent home in crucifix row
- Bombs rock liberal arts college
- Dutch party bans poisoning politicians
- Google buys Wikipedia
- Halliburton: “Psst! Wanna buy a kidney?”
- Naomi sucks out brains of all newspaper readers for 500 mile radius
- Obama launches campaign for President of Cuba
- Two new stupidly large numbers discovered
[edit] January 18
- Another Iraqi car commits suicide
- Art Buchwald dead again at 81
- Batman nearing cancer eradication
- Big Brother accused of "classism"
- Cold snap hits Perth
- Dakota Fanning sacrificed in new film
- Jade Goody to be UN ambassador for Peace
- Lindsay Lohan dries out in rehab
- Mad scientist board releases ultimatum
- Michael Jackson undergoes plastic surgery--AGAIN!
- Muslim cabbies fined for refusing fares
- Oprah aims low, hits mark
- Tee-shirt jokes not so funny anymore
- U. S. Air Force drops nuclear bomb on Tehran - claims "miscommunication"
- Von Doom sues over "Doomsday Clock" copyright
- War on Illegal drugs working
[edit] January 19
- "Lost" producers announce new exit strategy
- Christian theme park to open in Little Rock
- David Caruso's tears found to cure blindness
- Final damage assessment in Malibu fire: Suzanne Somers not dead
- Israeli army chief resigns: "I did it my way"
- Lynn Woolsey Ends Iraq War
- Management by Assholism sweeps the workplace
- Oregon stiffens graduation requirements
- Playboy launches Braille issue
- Redneck Reader goes visual
- Saddam TV movie filming ends in tragedy
- Sheep farming in the Falklands
- Ted Kennedy consults Mary Jo Kopechne
[edit] January 20
- Cheney destroys satellite in space
- Dakota Fanning wins posthumous award
- Educating America, one cereal box at a time
- Hackers nab €800,000 from Nordea Bank
- Hangover drug suppressed
- MSNBC launches "Nude News"
- Pelosi: "Electing me was a stark blunder"
- Strange activity between Area 50 and Area 52 reported
- The Big Top becomes big business
- U.N. translators channel job frustration through soybean summit
[edit] January 21
- Blair forgets his ritalin, invites bin Laden to tea
- Clinton-Obama Supernatural fight for the Presidency is only beginning
- Condom campaign a bust?
- Demand for Romanian surgeons by terrorists on the rise
- Emo suicide outlawed, decrees God
- Internet "FBI agent" turns out to be 12yo girl
- Mr. T wins prestigious Foolitzer Prize
- Muslims Protest Reality
- Sarah Michelle Gellar attempts suicide
- Self-emasculating girly man takes wife's name
[edit] January 22
- Ashley Judd adopts Lucy Fowler's lifestyle
- BBC news frontpage hacked by hacker!
- Chimp Gives Birth After Immaculate Conception
- General Motors to recall 533,000 SUV drivers
- Iraqi autos avenge their dead
- London cardboard box sells for £170,000
- Microsoft to fight piracy through comics
- Miranda rights expanded
- Ofcom Launches Complaints Investigation
[edit] January 23
- Baggins Family to Be Charged With Grand Theft
- Giant UFO seen at O'Hare Airport, aliens pissed at delays
- Man dies while trying to open his heart to Jesus
- Momofuku Ando dies; Microsoft Windows Vista delayed
- Movie makers scrape bottom of comics barrel with "Puppyman"
- President Bush plans to hire Jack Bauer for terrorism fight
- Satan Denies Hell is "Fiery Abyss"
- Supreme Court decision nail in coffin for Gargamel
[edit] January 24
- Bush Found Third Dog Again
- Cows Reach The Moon
- Giger gay bar to open in Castro District
- Home Office "to release ALL prisoners"
- Hoodie toddlers ransack corner shop
- Irish Govt. announces new "most ambitious ever" National Development Plan
- Microsoft pays people not to edit Wikipedia
- Utnapishtim celebrates his 2,706th birthday
[edit] January 25
- 'No opt-out' on gays for Catholic church
- 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue secedes from Union
- Another internet "FBI agent" turns out to be 12yo girl
- Army demonstrates new anti-poverty ray gun
- Castro letter 'sign of recovery'
- Gerard Way involved in sex scandal
- Gimp group objects to K-Fed ad
- Increase in Misleading Graphs; Study Says
- Israeli president accused of rape, opens fire during a press conference
- Microsoft develops immortal computing
- PROVED - Anyone can sneak a Silly Article past the Wikipedia Thought Police
- Snakes on a Plane receives no Oscar consideration
- Tired of thin ice, Bush wants black ice
- UK faces full prisons
- Who's set for the Glastonbury gig?
[edit] January 26
- Barack Obama calls for Socialist Revolution in America
- Bellagio unveils 'Toon Erotica exhibit
- Bowling alley changes bowl fans over
- Fat models will not be banned from fashion week
- Zombies revolt, demand new ending
[edit] January 27
- Bush questions Pelosi's manhood
- Bush targets approval ratings with distraction plan
- Cognac and iPod ban for North Korea
- Priests battle "printing press" pirates
- SMU welcomes Bush library
- Second Baby Ruth Sighting!
[edit] January 28
- Bush will serve as a troop in Iraq
- Jane Fonda seeks new husband
- John Reid: "Oh fuck, not the Home Office"
- Psychologist: Moses had Alzheimer's
- Rage Against The Machine backs out of Coachella
[edit] January 29
- Borat creator lists "most powerful Americans"
- Courts turn to Uncyclopedia, but selectively
- Hammond nominated for 2 positions
- Jane Fonda incorporates herself
- Queen miffed, resigns
[edit] January 30
- "One hu-man at a time" scheme dropped in favour of new stealth vehicle
- An all new, prettier, better blue screen of death
- Brain's "addiction centre" found
- Discovery of Fred Flintstone's diary sheds light on ancient Bedrock
- Jade Goody Spontaneously combusts!
- John Kerry euthanized after political setbacks
- Journalist takes a drink out of the tap
- PlayStation 3 European launch announced
- Queensland government to start using recycled water
- Robot cavity searchers to be installed on street corners
- Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
- WoW fans disappointed with Vista
