UnNews:Archive/March 2007
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[edit] March 1
- Accused raper in kidnapping charges
- Anna Nicole Smith to be divided into thirds, distributed
- Canine Couriers clean up
- Dannielynn paternity determined: it's the medical examiner
- Eddie Murphy Storms Out From The Oscars
- Hamburglar executed
- Irresponsible Hecklers urge on hesitant busker
- Ken Lay finds new life in Hell
- Michael Jackson "Does Exist" Shocker!
- Mom loses custody of obese son; "Porky" removed from parent's home
- National Geographic Rediscovers Target Audience
- Parti Québécois gains support in Alberta
- Prince Charles wants to ban McDonald's
- Prisoners released to "aid war effort"
- Scientist finally found the answer to Schrödinger's cat paradoxe
- Sportscaster sidelined for sexist remarks
[edit] March 2
- "Timetravel is possible-just look at Hitler" say Boffins
- Associated Press demonstrates mastery over Space, Time, and celebrities
- Doors still slamming after all these years
- Eritean Wiki-Vandalism Day Goes Sour
- Gaming Addict Killed at Own Computer, Doesn't Notice
- Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No its Professor Stephen Hawking!
- Kotaku posts rumor: Sony corporation has Kotaku blackballed
- Police officer slightly grazes elbow
- Rogue Petrol Discovered to have Links to Bush Administration!
- Sex offenders may receive "special" license plates
- Smith acquired by Islanders
- Wounded Marine wants gay ban lifted
[edit] March 3
- A.S.S. Eclipse Boondoggle
- Angelina Jolie adopts Thailand
- Attorney General halts BBC anal probe
- Barbie robs bank, further pads résumé
- February 31st arrives; Scientists baffled
- Metropolitan Police announce drastic uniform change
- Microsoft offers discount on daylight saving time
- Nacho Libre sweeps WWE's movie awards
- World War III begins as Switzerland invades Liechtenstein; US Army Secretary resigns
[edit] March 4
- Astronauts starting to suspect no one is coming for them
- Bush declares martial law after interpreting lunar eclipse as bad omen
- Hospital delivers meals to indigent shut-ins
- Jimmy Wales found to have lied about credentials, asks self to resign
- Mars towed Earth to combat climate change
- Nigeria does its best to keep Africa "the dark continent"
- Study finds that half of all alcohol produced, consumed by the dead
- Study: Frogs think in Japanese
- Survey shows children don’t know where meat comes from. We show them.
[edit] March 5
- 26 killed in Baghdad book store, "Harry Potter" books blamed
- Afghan citizens banned from seeing cartoon movie
- Children's storytime reader fired for inappropriate behavior
- Daycare center gives children heroin
- Hypnotised student joins Taliban
- Ice slabs fall in Toronto, mayor calls for 'tons' of salt
- Jeep recalls Cherokees from freed slaves
- Overly political spider becoming annoying
- Tests on Vice President Cheney's leg reveal Courteney Cox
[edit] March 6
- (RED) campaign announces first-year results
- APA creates new phobias
- Bush awards Presidential Medal of Freedom to Scooter Libby
- Cocaine 'no boost in the morning'
- Contact lens solution recalled
- Coulter narrowly beats O'Reilly, Limbaugh for hottest conservative
- God forced to resign from Wikipedia
- Howard continues to deny the existence of a state known as reality
- Hypofaceitosis claims another victim
- Indonesian earthquake kills a few dozen little brown people
- Osama bin Laden leaves Al-Qaeda to persue solo work
- Third Coming of Jesus Christ Prophesised!
- U.S. and North Korea open talks, says Kim JOng Il 'It was Scorsese's time'
- Vice President Dick Cheney personally experiences Walter Reed problems
- War on terror hoax; a hoax
[edit] March 7
- Al Qaeda unleashes new wave of suicide bomb implosions
- Grandmother, 96 is "kingpin of crime"
- Hitler "Final Solution" diet builds muscle, busts fat
- NAACP president resigns, citing "racism"
- Princess Diana "Still Dead"
- Text Messaging "to replace the police".
- Uncyclopedia VP seeks to meet Conservapedia challenge
- Wikipedia admits "WW2 Didnt Actually Happen"
[edit] March 8
- Big Bopper still dead
- Family beats up principal over boy's grades
- Jack Lalanne, ready to be boxed
- Obama suspected in Captain America assassination
- Rail Strike (again)
- Scooter Libby takes up Smoking
[edit] March 9
- Anna Nicole Smith: Real Life Satirizes Uncyclopedia!
- Captain Obvious is Dead
- Condoleezza Rice names fictitious state as human rights violator
- Long Island teacher to be burned at the stake for being a witch
- Nation in panic as meteorologists predict end of World
- Term 'darkies' may be discriminatory, UN body warns Canada
[edit] March 10
- Britney "addicted to rehab"
- Gangbangers snap up bulletproof raincoat
- New York restaurants to go childless by 2010
[edit] March 11
- Bush goes on six day tour of Latin America
- Dancing with the Stars: Ann Coulter Signs for 2008 Season
- Dog Whisperer cologne breaks French sales records
- Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL Dead
- High school distributes marijuana to its students
- IKEA chief optimistic on North Korea visit
- Quebec abandons bid for sovereignty
- Tehran Gay Pride 2007 Announced
- Vowels outlawed in Germany
[edit] March 12
- A nice cup of tea and a sit down proven to cure all human ills
- African slaves of 200 years ago were actually happy
- All atheists proven to be Muslims
- Captain America falls victim to Daylight Savings Time
- FOX chief Roger Ailes nominates Osama Bin Laden
- Physicists prove "you can't get there from here"
- Politician seeks Klingon Votes
- Scientists photograph elusive "booger" mites
- Spartans flood box office; won't leave
- Thomas Jefferson impeached
[edit] March 13
- "Genetic" disorders shown to be the fault of the baby
- "Straight fairytales" anger Islington residents
- Anna Nicole Smith "still dead", authorities say
- BB dayorder 13 2 07
- Crippled diseased genetic fetishisation wins Crufts
- FDA expands peanut butter recall
- General calls gay sex immoral, continues to support murder
- Johnson family disappointed by new baby
- Scientists baffled by missing energy source
- Slaughter at Scifi Convention, audience members mauled
- Swiss man denies Thai king insult
[edit] March 14
- 3 die in suspected L33T outbreak
- Captain Obvious appointed as cricket commentator
- Celebrities join nuclear arms race
- Coca Cola outraged by WikiHow's instructional articles
- Halliburton moves headquarters to warmer climes
- Navy man jailed for rape of war ship
- Phone Line scandal hits 999 calls
- Rash of terminal diseases linked to lack of Christian faith
- Rat boy scum get "bad deal from society"
[edit] March 15
- "Reality TV is Not a Proper News Story" Shocker
- Al-Qaeda No. 3 says he planned 9/11, says kangaroo court
- Autobahn minimum speed expected to rise
- Drawn Football Matches to be decided by firing squad
- Iowa is destroyed in a wildfire; perpetrators lauded
- Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses
- Local fire fighters 'cleanse' station after Bush visit
- Members of notorious Midget Gang detained in Malaysia
- Nutritive value of odors unlocked
[edit] March 16
- "Leprechaun" remake in the works
- Birthday wish for world peace granted
- Britney unveils new album!
- Democrats declare in favor of sunlight
- Kiddie Fight Club "to go down a storm"
- Rectal recognition software launched
- Shaggy too stoned to give evidence; 'monster' trial collapses
- Sinbad dies and then comes back to life
[edit] March 17
- Google, Inc. Employee: "My Job Blows"; Apple, Inc. Employee: "My Job Sucks"
- Hardened butter tears through fresh bread - sandwich ruined
- Jacques Chirac retreats
- Japanese to harpoon fat people instead of whales in effort to combat growing obesity
- Oprah, Bono feud over who's gooder
- Rednose Day deepens understanding
- Sinbad killed; no one cares
- Zombies to produce own movie
[edit] March 18
- Child Loses Spelling Bee, Blames Fergie
- Confederate flag initiates "civil war of words"
- Oxford Withdraws Uncyclopedia support
- Sarah Michelle Gellar reincarnated as comic book character
- White people gone wild
[edit] March 19
- Andrew Flintoff offered presidency of Russia
- Naomi Campbell begins sentence
- Pet food recall alarms owners
- Study: Breathing causes cancer
- Zombie attacks man on British Airways flight
[edit] March 20
- Bush retreats in war on drugs
- Dutch author finds lost manuscript while tidying up
- Global Panic as website is taken down
- Joshua leads Israelite Defense Force to victory
- Worldwide Panic as Uncyclopedia is "down for maintenance"
[edit] March 21
- American Idol contestants so bad they make audience cry
- Congress hot for Plame
- Dalai Lama declares fatsuassu cause of poopoonogo
- Las Vegas casinos institute free circumcisions
- Los Angeles secedes from California, declares allegiance to Mexico
- Relief as Uncyclopedia stays up
[edit] March 22
- Britney Spears obtains injunction against Unnews
- DeLay shares the love in new book
- Elton John "I disgust myself!"
- Josh Server officially runs for president
- Labor march ends in water
- McDonald's campaign to change dictionary definition of "hamburger"
- Museum displays four-legged animals
- Quebec sovereignty party leads in University of Michigan student elections
[edit] March 23
- Cobra Commander announces candidacy for president
- Jolie to paint rainbow family
- Local shepherd displaces workforce
- Monkeys' stone percussion studied
- Police stink!
- Something interesting finally happens in cricket
- South Carolina forces women to think with their vagina
- White slavery legalised in UK
[edit] March 24
- American billionare buys London Bridge, causes riots
- Bart Simpson arrested for indecent exposure
- Britain says no to Snoopy Dog... Again
- Eta Carinae eradicates life on Earth
- Iranians looking for 'John Thomas'
- MediaWiki upgrade poses security risks
- Oz residents charged in death of Wizard
[edit] March 25
- Barely There Prom Dresses popular new trend
- Giant penis causes mass chaos!
- Loop hole in MySpace policy
- Pauly Shore lands title role in major production of "Waiting for Godot"
- Pres Ahmadinejad describes British "John Thomas"
- Proposed ban on carousels
- Recent civil war work of fiction!
- Virus rights activists protest against "red" campaign
[edit] March 26
- Blair attempts to apologise for Slave trade; No slaves found
- Bush battles Obama's insurgent campaign
- Gay alien clown from outer space invades Earth, demands pancakes. Millions feared dead.
- Harlequin seeks "real men"
- Players are behind me - McClaren
- Something on Uncyclopedia taken from The Onion again
- Starbucks proceeding with world domination plans using 2 KW-laser
- UK slave trade apology needed from "workshy" Africans
- White dwarf explodes in triumphant science experiment
[edit] March 27
- 2008 Election may be decided by Xbox Live Achievement points
- Astronaut launches Navy career
- Britons 'sleep in dirty duvets'
- Communists buy Microsoft
- DEAR LEADER is great
[edit] March 28
- Man shot into space, possibly being tortured
- Organizers recreate Three Mile Island magic
- US Democrats give Entire World to Terrorists
[edit] March 29
- Ankara destroys Armenian church
- Blair hails success of childhood crime review project
- J. Lo to promote new album
- Saturn's weather puts Earth's meteorological conditions to shame
- Steve Irwin to Return in New Show
[edit] March 30
- Bush sautes Tuskegee Airmen
- ICANN to announce .KID domain
- Jesus "poo" sculpture offends Church
- Kelloggs empire has fallen!
- Play-Doh penises perturb parents
- Stop dressing like whores, you whores!
