UnNews:Archive/May 2007
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[edit] May 1
- Limbo closes, millions homeless
- New Borg drone complains about management
- Terrorist Mastermind "Lives freely in England"
- Underarm deodorant tainted with foreign material
- Vatican reponds to Alberti controversy, with Concert!
- Zombie Dolls for little boils and ghouls who have it all
[edit] May 2
- Melee breaks out between cops, protestors over cake left out in rain
- Tinfoil hats cause cancer say NASA scientists
- Vetoing Congressional funding bill, Bush launches telethon to raise money for Iraq
[edit] May 3
- America uneasy about Queen's 16 year visit
- Analysts predict National Optimism Day will be a miserable failure
- Bush vetoes budget, "Takeout bill" returns to Congress
- MPAA cracks down on illegal gene sequence
- MPAA introduces new HD-DVD encryption scheme
[edit] May 4
- Chavez threatens to take over Venezuelans' living rooms
- Experts say only one way to beat global warming: A World Dictatorship
- French Elections: Ennui wins by a landslide
- Last year, Mexico claimed 105 million residents, while America claimed 20 million of them
- Man buys soda in $1.25 dollar deal
- Pastafarians celebrate National Day of ARRRRRRRRRRRR
[edit] May 5
- Bush vetoes 2009 pullout
- Celebrity Brew test marketed in St. Louis
- Edit War Causes Massacre
- International elections, a real hassle
- Paris Hilton found guilty of driving without valid license, sent to bed without supper
- Republicans give entire world to Satan
[edit] May 6
- BREAKING NEWS:Nerd Rebels destroy the DvDeath Star
- Celebrity Sex Dolls sell well
- French tornadoes devastate US
- Major aircraft company pwned by hippies
- New food pyramid proven fraudulent
- Rose Tyler arrested for spreading HD DVD key
- U.S. Senator puts forward motion to censure Bush
[edit] May 7
- 33 people dead; nobody cares
- Clerical error results in accidental "Truth Surge"
- Disney adds porn to televised children's fare
- Early baby sex all over the web
- Labour Volunteer Force ends political campaigns
- Stephen Hawking Arrested, Defys Laws Of Gravity
[edit] May 8
- Bush "too easy", satirists threaten strike
- Bush in masturbation blunder!
- Gun claims can't stop the Wall of Sound
- National Day of Prayer ruined by godless protestors
- No playground for "super school"
- President Bush hosts Texas-style barbecue for British Queen
[edit] May 9
- Butthead found
- Captain Obvious teams up with top detective
- Fate thrusted upon man
- Power-elite see error of their ways, repent
- Terrorists surrender to American might
- The 'Blair babes': Where are they now?
- Woman to State: Lotteries "misleading"
[edit] May 10
- Cat-Dog hybrid discovered in China, scientists baffled
- Gonzales does not remember eating babies
- New laws doubleplus good for consumers
- Paris Hilton new Messiah?
[edit] May 11
- Anubis found in ditch
- Circuit City employee thwarts terror plot
- Consumers buy HD DVDs to spite copyfighters
- Even Blair unable to come up with something nice to say about Blair
- Persistent Protestants protest punishment
- Welsh angered at holy sheep slaughter ruling
[edit] May 12
- Cheney visits Hell to shore up support for Iraq war
- E. coli strikes again; US responds again
- Mickey Mouse tells viewers to impeach the President
- Pathetic science geek fails to win heart of prom queen
- Pope visits Brazilian drug "clinic"
- Snow penises outlawed
[edit] May 13
- Bush confused at 400th anniversary of Jamestown founding
- Duceppe promotes unity
- Go figure: horny tiger offs cheating Canadian
- KFC introduces Chix on Stix
- Sat nav driver's car shot down by troops
- Sex scandal surrounds political rally in Pakistan
- Walkers warned of "killer ticks"
- White house announces a binding time table for Iraq withdrawal
[edit] May 14
- Chris Tarrant arrested for assaulting Asylum Seekers
- John Howard puts his last effort in tackling drought
- NFL officials postpone reinstatement of pot-free Williams
- Paris Hilton probably not new messiah
- Study: iPods eat your heart out and control your brain, no surprises
[edit] May 15
- "Newspaper's are always right," announces Bush
- Bush-Blair in chatroom fracas
- Cat and mouse duo finally find peace in God?
- Michael Bloomberg Prepared to spend 1 Billion Dollars for White House
- New discovery by authour of 'Versuch über ein neues Prinzip zur Auffindung der Heilkräfte der Arzneisubstanzen, nebst einigen Blicken auf die bisherigen' expected to supplant petroleum
- Rapture! Rev. Jerry Falwell taken to heaven, everyone else left behind
- Scientists: Irish dolphins boorish drunkards
- Stallone Pleads Guilty to Trying to Destroy City
- White Star steamer Empress of the North sinks
- Woman's giant penis explodes killing millions
[edit] May 16
- Bush Creates Czar Czar post
- Falwell starts campaign against God
- Hamas protests 40 years of an Israeli-controlled Jerusalem by shooting Fattah activists
- Hilton IS Messiah after all!
- Local woman not injured, just ugly
- People leaving the Matrix in droves after red pill mix-up
- Prince Harry stays out of Iraq, opts for France instead
- Ronald McDonald Invades Nazi Germany to find its NOT THERE!
- Royal Mounties doing FBI's job: Gene Shalit captured
- Television networks discover no one watches advertisements; we're all doomed
- Tonight's VA Tech party to be "The best since the thing"
- UK Police Laser Gun Use To Be Extended
[edit] May 17
- "Shooting only answer" says Education Minister
- AAAAAA! gets mispeeled
- Dante: "Fallwell doing well in the Eighth Circle"
- ED dies
- Falwell's Death Linked to Gays, Feminists, Liberals
- God to Falwell : 'Go stand in corner'
- Indian Men "Too Well Endowed"
- Indian police make stations, cars function as suicide bombs
- Milestone 100th research group publishes yet another Kennedy assassination theory
- Report: News Edtiors Geting Lasier
- Satan arrested in Jerry Falwell death
- UnJournalist: "Holy Crap!"
[edit] May 18
- ED's new reskin rakes in the lulz
- Estonian Wiki suffers extensive vandalism, blames Russians
- Falwell to Reincarnate as Flaming Poof
- Grammy winners' songs used to teach grammar
- Nathan Fillion appointed French Prime Minister
[edit] May 19
- Americans euphoric regarding terrifically low-cost gas
- Estonians strike back at Russians, ban toll reaches thousands
- Gorilla destroys Rotterdam
- Heroic Argentinian poor march for right to be starving
- Kaufman Arrested for Heavenly Screw-Up
- Pretzel assassin caught on White House lawn
- Pretzel assassin reveals terrorist organization
- Prisoners released, are free to return to bleak, depressing homeland
- Statuary Hall updates collection
[edit] May 20
- AIDS walk fails to cure AIDS
- Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive; WWI A Mistake
- Bush on Blair's departure: "My bad!"
- China set to overtake West in D-list celebrities
- Court refuses to allow dad to name son "Dick"
- Fat president is Iraq's last unresolved problem
- Minority-hating Democrats seek to oust Gonzales
- Samoan ruler not assassinated, unimportant
- Soylent Green sues Heston for defamation
[edit] May 21
- Arms cache found, linked to known Blair ally
- Bush Administration - "All is well in the Middle East"
- Eating Dole apples rears healthier children
- Vote for Bill Richardson because he is a western Hispanic
[edit] May 22
- Al Sharpton, Mormon leaders agree: We're both kooks
- Boy found at home, alone
- FOX News Study: 90% of liberals hate liberals
- Small children may have unrealistic goals
- Stinky Winky assassinated, other Teletubbies heartbroken
- Thinking the "T" stands for "tree", Bush gives NATO chief a ranch tour
- Tinky Winky assassinated, other Teletubbies heartbroken
- Tropical island buried in freak blizzard
- Two birds killed with one stone; Scientists baffled
[edit] May 23
- Amnesty International claims defeat, disbands
- Super villian willing to give planet another hour
- Use of phrase "Dirty Chav Scumbag Shit Baskets" slammed
[edit] May 24
- Gerrard tips reds to curl up in a ball and die
- Government to introduce anti-bellbottom law
- Helen Keller arrested for public indecency
- McDonalds insulted by "McJob" Dictionary Definition
- New birth control pill makes periods permanent, euphoric
- Prince Philip spontaneously combusts, Queen amused
- The world will end tomorrow
- Uncyclopedian fails "Guitar Hero II" at least 20 times
[edit] May 25
- "We've got motherfuckin' snakes" says airport official
- Bush Loses Lucky Penny
- Dick Cheney, daughter's baby look oddly similar
- European critics praise American performance artist
- Fidel Castro is still alive
- Hugh Laurie Suffers Injury, Contracts Foreign Accent Syndrome
- Knut Send Message to all other Cute Bears: SCREW OFF!
- Man who claimed to have found God arrested for wasting police time
- Muqtada al-Sadr Wins "Iraqi Idol"
- Pirates of the Caribbean attack Gonaïves
- Queen is a "Mad Axe man"
- Scientists Cite Cartoon Couple as Cause of Weird Marriage Pattern
- Stupidest lawsuit in history filed
[edit] May 26
[edit] May 27
- Dr. Kevorkian to be released from prison, sent to help Iraqi suicide bombers
- Hugo Chavez shuts down TV station that criticized him replaces it with new one staffed by Rosie O'Donnell
- Zombies to produce "Girls Gone Wild" series
[edit] May 28
- Donald Rumsfeld opens pizza parlor
- Gay men banned from playing soccer in high altitudes
- Monster pig shot in Alabama
- NASA boldly goes where no kiddy ride has gone before
- New natural history museum opens
- Syria: tension mounts as presidential elections enters final phase
- Thanks to "Frank Lloyd Wright," even for the homeless, a man's home can be a castle
[edit] May 29
- Channel 4 defiant over Diana show
- Dunkirk debacle may extend war
- Sheehan agrees to: 'Shut the Hell up'
- U.S. military reports 0 U.S. deaths in Iraq
[edit] May 30
- Barney the Dinosaur responsible for death
- George Bush Resigns! Cheney Given Presidency
- Royal protester eats Fergie
[edit] May 31
- Big Brother picks all-corpse house in latest venture
- British group boycotts American goods, protests government
- Chicago teams merge; staduims empty
- Chris Moyles killed by Lurpack Man
- Doctor Who denies the existence of burgers; Americans in famine
- Florida lawyer convinces 9-year-old to shoot him
- Laden changes slogan; gains support
- Spinosaurus accused for giant peach robbery; Bob the Builder in shock
- Update: George Bush returns! Cheney relieved of presidency
- Writer slaughters two whales
