UnNews:Archive/November 2006

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[edit] November 1

• Andy Dick to play Master Chief in "Halo" Movie.
• Anonymous user's Uncyclopedia article hampered by production delays
• Bush mistakes military hospital for Halloween haunted house
• Hitler Invades Uncyclopedia IRC
• John Kerry apologizes for being a lousy comedian
• Latest batch of Hitler clones contaminated with Neanderthal DNA
• Maine lobster's girlfriend arrested after dressing him as bin Laden
• NASA to put new wipers on space telescope
• People losing virginity later in life; sex is getting too hard
• Prince Charles: "I say! Pakistan's a bit of a rum show, wot?"
• Scientists discover that colors are the same color all over the world
• Slow News Day Declared
• Wikipedia report: No stupid dogs exist
• Woman accused of improperly packaging hacked-up husband

[edit] November 2

• Australia’s Continent Rights Revoked; Aussies Outraged
• Get yer fishsticks while they're still heayuh!
• I'm Sorry Says Exploding Cleaner
• Kevin Federline album released; already in bargain bin
• Kyrgyz protesters call for vowels
• North Korea, U.S. start talks on IRC
• Recruiters frustrated they can't hire Cheney, Rumsfeld
• Senatorial Candidates forced to “Eat Fresh” at the same Table
• White house sensors scientists
• William Styron, inventor of styronfoam cup, dead at 81

[edit] November 3

• Analyst: War on Fish will end in 50 years
• Bush stops campaigning after realizing upcoming election is not for President
• Democrats admit they love terror
• EU expresses Turkey doubts
• GlaxoSmithKline bummed about Paxil settlement
• Hideously ugly radio host fired for being too polite
• Homosexual escort admits to relationship with evangelical pastor
• Kayne West upset over loss at VFH
• Paris Hilton no longer famous
• Whoopi infects 16 at Boston hospital

[edit] November 4

• Australia shits itself about Fiji coup
• BBC fire DJ for on-air phone sex scandal
• Critics discard Microsoft-Novell agreement as unfunny joke
• Kerry warns youth to avoid foreign wars

[edit] November 5

• Black Hole discovered in Uncyclopedia, causes a rip in QVFD
• Iraq celebrates Saddam Hussein verdict with sectarian violence
• Leader of National Gay Alliance dismissed for heterosexual activity
• Newspaper makes all sections more appealing
• Saddam sentenced to death
• Study shows 69% of data graphs contain sexual innuendo
• Verdict looms in Saddam's trial for murder of Nicole Brown Simpson

[edit] November 6

• Baghdad teens prepare to party
• Black Holes conspiracy thickens: another Black Hole discovered at NOTM paddock
• Chris Behany
• Hussein discouraged by death sentence, still leads in Ohio
• Images disappearing and reappearing rapidly on Uncyclopedia
• Playstation 3 to save humanity from misery, death
• Pope Releases Debut Album

[edit] November 7

• ACLU attacks "Happy Holidays" as divisive
• Confused voter votes for Proposal 2 for Governor, Waffle for House
• Douglas DC8 found in Antartica
• Electronics Is Confusing
• Fires drive orangutans out of homes
• Kevin Federline sentenced for crimes against music.
• Saddam Hussien is found guilty of the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson
• Scientists confirm life dull
• U.S. pi-dollar bill on the rise

[edit] November 8

• America files for divorce from GOP
• Britney divorce filing gives Republicans last-minute boost on election day
• Bush buried under avalanche of ballot papers - rescue workers say hopes not high
• Bush gets pwned
• Chinese "one dog" rule triggers worries of famine
• Democrats Take House, Senate Still Up for Grabs, White House "Secure"
• Democrats Win American Parliamentary Election
• Kentuckistan woman killed by snake in church obviously "sinner"
• Nancy Pelosi to be paid 50 percent less than Dennis Hastert
• Rumsfeld to open boutique war-mongering firm
• Spears, Federline to divorce
• Three Blind Mice in NHS scandal

[edit] November 9

• Foreign objects discovered in brain medicine
• Gay activites of Robert Gates not reported yet
• Kiwi Schools Abandon Spelling
• Left-wing Commie pledges economic stability
• Missouri opens first day-care for troubled adults
• Nominated Secretary of Defense, Gates vows to use Windows for victory in Iraq

[edit] November 10

• Democrats take Senate, Harry Reid is nervous
• Laura Bush jealous of President's lunch date with Nancy Pelosi
• Nazi leader cleared of nazism
• United Nations vote: all religions are entitled to their own state in the middle east
• University of Michigan campus pwned by Proposal 2
• Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove

[edit] November 11

• Chris Isaak not sure about all this talk about "San Francisco values"
• Downpour hits south of England
• Dyslexic Supreme Court Justice Creates "Right to Arm Bears"
• Freddie Flintoff: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em"
• NASA chief Michael Griffin resigns over handling of Saturn hurricane
• World ends with no major news stories

[edit] November 12

• 'Sturdy Desk' for sale
• Andy Griffith sues himself
• Homosexuality "helps boys read"
• John Constable to be kept in Britain
• Litter a see is on Dee Kline expurtz say
• Police seek prophet in attempted herbicide
• Tiger gives birth to Weaner pigs

[edit] November 13

• Courtney Love successfully replaced with clone
• Israel declares burrito not a sandwich, bombs Syria
• NCEA examinations start at a bad time
• Playstation 3 is second hand junk
• U.S. State Department criticizes religious discrimination in Uzbekistan; we're not shitting you
• Veteran punk rocker laments demolition of club he once trashed
• Village People: "iPod should be banned!"
• Vodafone joins front lines

[edit] November 14

• Cat Steven's new album filled with great tunes, hatred
• God denies causing disaster
• Intel introduces new 1K-core chip
• Milk Carton blamed for assassinations
• Pope: "Scotland is too cold"
• Survey: US evangelicals don't know what the fuck to think anymore
• Toys for Tots exposed as Satan's lapdog
• UnNews to merge with UN News
• Vehicles are charged

[edit] November 15

• Authorities set new policies on trains and trams
• Man kills PC
• Microsoft Zune a billion times better than iPod
• Nut, housing shortage foments squirrel race war
• Texas no longer a state after OU football victory
• The Beautiful Game
• The Muppets take Manhatten
• Unsportsmanlike:Iraq found to be safer than Ohio

[edit] November 16

• Doctor: Business suits are a health risk
• Kevin Federline Arrested for Rape (and murder)
• Killer Tornado Apprehended
• Milton Friedman demands free-market afterlife
• Neanderthal Blog and Browsing History Unearthed
• Osama Bin Laden Found!
• Researchers fail to uncover reason to live
• Sailor flies home

[edit] November 17

• Clooney flips cars, trees in North Carolina
• Fashion writer handed life sentence for rape, murder of garbageman
• More troops deployed to Playstation 3 waiting lines
• Nancy Pelosi elected as first mute Speaker of the House
• PC wins court case
• Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet
• Republicans give up US Congress, Express Relief
• Scientists Panic after the Digestion Simulator goes Berserk
• Walken says being new Pope will be "challenging"

[edit] November 18

• Buses start swearing
• Ex-Wal-Mart employee pleads guilty to fraud
• Flash and the Furious Five split
• Nw Zld stdts rplcd w mob phns
• PS3 fans eagerly await OJ Simpson's new game "If You Did It"
• Tony Blair files for divorce
• Woman found in house

[edit] November 19

• Buyers line up for a Wii
• James Bond fan changes his name to include all 21 film titles
• New storm approaches as Vancouver remains under "drink beer" advisory
• Snakes in a Car filming goes bad
• Somalia: Govt, UN bringing in kittens, say Islamists
• Tom Cruise, who is not gay, weds Katie Holmes
• Woman suspected to be stealing
• Xenu disappointed over Cruise-Holmes wedding

[edit] November 20

• Congressman proposes draft for Iraq effort
• Court to weigh constitutionality of undeclared edit war
• Niggers heckle unfunny kike, who calls them niggers
• Nothing happens on November 19, war declared on UnNews
• O.J. Simpson TV special "If I Were Hitler" cancelled
• Papercuts Made Illegal
• Penguins attack Bond at US cinemas
• War against UnNews cancelled after November 19 news stories are added

[edit] November 21

• "Star Wars" director Robert Altman dies at 81
• Actor Michael Richards Apologizes for Racial Remarks
• Mobiles to become everything
• Rare Java Runtime Environment Revision 9 installed
• Rumsfeld blames fiasco on faulty simulations

[edit] November 22

• Adam Sandler to direct The Hobbit
• Cosby backs Richards racist slurs
• Fox cancels planned Michael Jackson special "If I Did It"
• Monster felled in server purge
• Scientist sheds new light on speed of light
• War babies 75th anniversary edition marks milestone in erotic cinema

[edit] November 23

• Britney Spears finally gets her eyes checked, files for divorce from Kevin Federline
• Monty Panesar attacked by fan
• Paper to become plastic
• Pierce Brosnan jealous over Daniel Craig becoming the best Bond ever

[edit] November 24

• Blair releases latest in "If I Did It" series
• Critical Firefox hole enrages Bill Gates
• Man jumps quarry
• Robert Altman will not direct "M*A*S*H" prequel
• Supermodel Heidi Klum gives birth to seal's son

[edit] November 25

• Anonymous User commits act of terrorism because of offfensive article.
• English Nature suffer from trauma
• Swedish woman travels through time to give birth to self
• Wikipedia celebrates 1,500,000 articles written by monkeys

[edit] November 26

• Diana to play concert

[edit] November 27

• "V for Vendetta" sequel begins filming in Kentuckistan
• Bruce Lee theme park to literally kick ass
• Dutch Socialist Party wins election by a landslide
• Elton John actually gets sick of himself in Brisbane
• Grue flu outbreak forces killing cute kitties and puppies
• Iran crashes plane for Bush
• New iPod to hit market
• North Dakota Dick Festival expected to draw thousands
• Season's Greetings banned in USA

[edit] November 28

• "30 Rock" cast member arrested for DUI, Michael Richards calls him a nigger
• Doctors say ass transplant successful
• EON Productions defends controversial casting of eleven year old girl as James Bond
• Fanboy disappointed by PS3
• Fangirl satisfied by Wii
• Japanese schoolgirl prostitution
• NY police sink passanger liner on maiden voyage
• Pamela Anderson Divorces Kid Rock; Marries Boy Band
• Some guy dies somewhere.

[edit] November 29

• Bush vows to leave at least a few children behind
• Dude's "Second Life" every bit as boring as his first life
• Dutch elections most important event of the year
• FBI pays visit to White House
• New Land Before Time film 'set to be darker'
• Supreme Court declares global warming unconstitutional
• The Bowels of Hell open at The Root of All Evil
• The Reverend Jesse Jackson calls for a ban on the n-word, "noob"

[edit] November 30

• Britney and Paris market new line of designer-label merkins
• Doctors warn of the dangers of excessively "playing with your Wii"
• Iraqi PM postpones meeting with Bush to watch TV show
• Israel to create killer robotic bees
• Monkeypoolonium deadly if ingested
• New UK Government advice: We just don't care any more
• North Korea pokes South Korea with a really big stick
• Police went crazy after blaming Litvinenko's death on Bond
• Steven Hawking wins Grammy
• Tiger Woods buys Ireland
• Unabomber lands big Armani modeling contract
• Wikipedia defends featuring "History of hard-core fucking" article