UnNews:Archive/September 2006
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[edit] September 1
- EU tells consumers, do more to cut carbon dioxide emissions
- Housing bubble burst toughest on monkeys
- Iranian atomic program peanuts; Bush calls it urgent threat
- Lazy student really just doesn’t have time for this
- Stolen copy of Craven's "Scream" film recovered by police
[edit] September 2
- Denny's number one customer dies at 112
- Transfer of Abu Ghraib prison to Iraqis starts "New Era of Torture"
[edit] September 3
- "Jesus vs. Palpatine" debate rages over Internet
- Al Qaeda's number Two Operative in Iraq Flees Moon, Captured in Iraq
- Earth declares war on, attacks Moon
- Kofi Annan's lunch: rap and a cheese sandwich
- Obituary: The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner
[edit] September 4
- Crikey! A Nation in Mourning
- Heartless bastards make HILARIOUS Steve Irwin-based UnNews story
- John's Hangover Drenches Southwest Tavern
- Jordan aims at British holiday market with new ultrarealistic paintball complex
- Sharks on a Plane: sequel confirmed
- Victory at Malabar front
- Zionists, Great Satan carry out imperialist schemes of Satan
[edit] September 5
- Blair forced to quit
- Elevator etiquette lacking, says Dali Lama
- Famous naturalist's death shocks the stupid
- Millions of stingrays found dead; Now endangered
- Plans for New Zealand's Manukau and Auckland cities to be merged into one: Millions gasp.
- UPN marks final broadcast with "classic" shows
- UnNews Czar refuses to appear on the Daily Show
- Windows Vista recieves highest crash test ratings
[edit] September 6
- Bush acknowledges secret CIA prisons, low IQ level
- Bush announces plans to try, execute Gitmo detainees
- Bush picks Samuel L. Jackson as new transportation secretary
- Bush unveils new system for trying terrorists
- Controversy rages over Steve Irwin video
- France avenges World Cup defeat
- Iran president urges West to follow his crazy God
- Katie Couric hosting debut highlights her enormous ass
- U.S. begins purge of liberal professors
- Your sister caused Zidane headbutt
[edit] September 7
- Annan on Blair: Shit fuck poo tits
- Idiot thown off plane in France
- Israel Executes 203 Palestinian Prisoners
- Jesus Crikey! Irwin rises from tomb
- John Mark Karr confesses to murdering Steve Irwin, extradited to Australia for DNA testing
- New Roman fraternities to challenge established Greek system
- Study shows vegetables may be conscious
- Tom Cruise and what's her faces baby some kind of retard or something
[edit] September 8
- Battle lines drawn in AP U.S. class
- Encouraged by Stingray, Australian Parakeets are turning deadly
- God Punishing All Australians; "Rolf Harris, you're next!" Says God
- Mars remains mysteriously boring
- New WTC plans beat terrorist to the punch
- Papua New Guinea declares war on Boris Johnson
- Space shuttle inferno postpones launch
[edit] September 9
- Black Pearl 2.0 blasts off
- Iranian President cuts off his own hand
- Olmert ready for talks with ABBA
- Outrage at new British film
- Senate report concludes Saddam had no al-Gayda links after all
- Stephen Hawking pops a cap on way to Silicon Valley
- Suicide bomber accidentally kills 16 other suicide bombers
[edit] September 10
[edit] September 11
- 9/11 reminiscent of that other time when stuff happened
- Canada seeks admission to United States on technicality
- DUMB-asses censored for no apparent reason
- Monkey has hard time remembering 9/11
- Space shuttle Atlantis struck by lightning, lands in Atlantic Ocean
[edit] September 12
- Astronauts lose nuts in space
- Chef Hussein lends insight into famous recipes
- Fireworks display for 9/11 "inappropriate"
[edit] September 13
- CIA election rally held in Yemen: A football game breaks out
- Former U.S. President Gerald Ford dies
- Many killed in Turkey explosion
- New Zealanders freak out as space junk hits backyard
- Pope Benedict XVI complements Islam, jihad
- September 12 jealous of September 11's fame
- Truck crashes through downtown Toronto
- Wiccanpedia casts a spell, fails miserably
[edit] September 14
- 20 injured in Montreal college shopping spree
- Anna Nicole Smith forgets she has a vagina
- Astronomers find fluffy planet
- Bobby Brown goes on Montreal shooting rampage after Houston divorce filing
- Britain's last Turkey Twizzler factory to close
- Head and Shoulders Sued!
- Judge says Saddam a "heckuva great guy"
- London Police seize massive gun cache
- Lord Lucan and Jimmy Hoffa found playing strip poker in Bin Ladens Secret Lair
- Mud, still everybody's favorite
- Neanderthals' last refuge found
- Steve Irwin almost completely forgotten
- Terrorists target Green Bay sewer system
- Whitney Houston available
[edit] September 15
- Deadly spinach kills sailor, sickens tot
- LBJ elevated into Holy Trinity
- Muslim world gets burned by Pope and can't make snappy comeback
- Third rate white buffalo born on Wisconsin farm
- UnNews Special Report: Terrorists in your spinach
[edit] September 16
- Bimmerforums attack Audizine
- Buddhists offended by Muslims
- Pope says Mohammed was male, Muslims offended
- Pope slanders Jews to appease Muslims after call for Crusade
- The Pope annoys everyone and nearly starts a war
[edit] September 17
- Harry shot first: Cheney cleared in hunting incident
- Pope Says "Ragheads Need to Shut the Fuck Up"
- Popeye in critical condition from E. coli in spinach
- The first major hurricane of the Atlantic season is a wuss
- Tom Cruise narrowly escapes being trapped in amber
[edit] September 18
- Holy Shit! Willie Nelson does pot!
- Iranian leader urges more Paypal protests
- President Bush Outraged at E. Coli, Promises Revenge
- Shark that walks on fins discovered
- Shuttle given final inspection before firey death plunge
- Stock market closes up or down or some such shit
[edit] September 19
- Applebee's takes a hit after ill-timed "Spinach Sensations" menu
- Cosmonaut's flatulence sparks alarm on space station
- Pope apologizes; makes new speech praising Islam
- Pope in critical condition from E. Coli in Spinach
- Pope: "I like big tits"
- Shuttle destruction delayed by alien flying saucer
- Thai military dumps PM, backs Burger King
- Virgin Kalimdor announces one-copper flights to Ogrimmar
[edit] September 20
- Iran threathens to Start Flamewar
- New study shows everything is crap
- Pac-10 suspends officials for errors that cost Oklahoma
- Second night of football team bash continues to rock
- Thailand now 60% "less funny"
[edit] September 21
- Accurate search launches
- Ahmadinejad: Happy new Jewish year
- California sues cows
- Country singer has broken heart, is drunk
- Google starts new type of seach
- KBM Uncovered!
- My balls itch
- Problematic 6000 Released
- Stupidity, new source of energy
- Thailand prime minister loses admin status
- UnNews supports Republicans in the war on terriers
- Wal*Mart generic drug plan draws flak from tweakers
- Wanna cut in line? Denounce your religion
[edit] September 22
- Hezbollah leader warns against evils of kitten huffing
- Hugo Chavez compares President to the Devil
- NSA may be wagging the dog with new spying policies
- Pentagon says secret unit couldn't have stopped 9/11 attacks
- Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond injured in 300mph teeth whitening attempt
[edit] September 23
- Darth Vader retires to cottage in the country
- Irish chemist creates four leaf clover-marijuana hybrid
- United Kingdom's prime minister found in Dutch coffee shop
- Venezuelan president records rap album
[edit] September 24
- FDA announces all drugs are placebos
- Rhodri Morgan In Cash For Peerages Row
- South Australian MP died in crossfire between mutants and cyborgs
- US sends Venezuelan Foreign Minister to Guantanamo
[edit] September 25
- Abandoned Sum of USD $25 Million Found in Account at Union Bank of Nigeria
- Bin Laden dies; E. coli lauded
- Cherie Denies All
- Hominids "not very helpful" battling Calif. wildfires
- Manuel II Palaiologos blasts backpedaling pope
[edit] September 26
- Bush Administration puts "happy face" on terror report
- Colosseum reopens in Rome
- Controversial racially charged series of Survivor claims yet another victim
- Key to war on terrorism is heroin, says Karzai
- Mystery of Anthrax letters persists
- President Clinton Eats Fox News's Chris Wallace Alive, Spits Out The Bones
- US to allow Coca-Cola on planes after deal with company, terrorists
[edit] September 27
- Colorado school shooter gets "D" for effort
- Exclusive: Tony Blair Is Queer
- Investigators zero in on Osama Bin Spinach
- National Piss in the Sink Week launched
- Saddam banned for third time
- Terrell Owens Attempts Suicide, Fantasy Owners Relieved
[edit] September 28
- Advertising makes kids fat lardos, says FCC
- John Reid Wants Hattersley Dead
- Lawmakers confirm burning as best way to discover witches
- Mars Rover finds beautiful oasis on Mars
- Scary Survey Issued from the Department of Homeland Security
- Woman gives birth to human fetus
[edit] September 29
- Al-Qaida Inc. expanding, now recruiting scientists
- Congress to try $70B money bomb on terror
- Jimbo Wales runs for President of the United States
