| Dread Cthulhu,
You've been awfully lax about keeping "Ask Cthulhu" updated and tidy. The last column wasn't even a column, just a never-ending mess of stuff. What gives?
Your Disappointed Minion,
Ralph
Dear Ralph:
- Well, I have to admit, things have been a rather slow lately. You see, recent outbursts of magnetic activity from your sun (I really hate it, by the way; couldn't you get a nice blue star?) combined with the effects of global warming have had a negative impact on Yours Truly. I've been unable to consume as many souls as I would like, due to metaphysical causes you would not be able to comprehend, confined as you are to thinking in four dimensions. To make matters worse, the advanced state of hibernation I've been forced to recede into has left me complacent.
- In other words, Your Dreaded Keeper of Abominations has gotten a little bit... tubby around the waistline. Oh, you can't tell of course, because I keep it hidden in the nether spaces only the Old Ones know about, but my doctor still says I should lose weight. Hopefully I'll be able to resume being a productive advice columnist in the near future!
Cthulhu,
- Needs a treadmill that works underwater.
Dread Cthulhu,
Not too long ago, my dog started acting strangely. He's been barking constantly at the cellar door, but every time we open it he runs away and hides. He's also started to tear up furniture and terrorize anyone who comes near our house, and what's worse, he flies into a homicidal rage whenever he spots that creepy homeless man who lives in the nearby park. Skippy used to be such a sweet little animal, and now we're afraid he's gone bad on us! What's wrong with him and what can we do to help?
Also, I'm sure it's not related, but recently Skippy dug up a tiny skull figurine made of platinum in our backyard. This happened just before he started acting strangely, and touching the figurine caused my hand to sprout claws and an extra eyeball. Does this have anything to do with the problem?
Hoping you understand animal souls,
Lupin von Wulfhund
Dogbreath:
- There's nothing wrong with your dog; it's you who hasn't picked up on all the signs yet. Don't worry, for soon you too will have a paranoid fear of underground spaces and will be able to sense my minions in your presence. That homeless man your dog hates, does he have mismatched eye colors? If so, tell him that he's taking too long to ensnare souls in his region. He'll understand.
- There's nothing to be done for your dog, except you'll find he now prefers killing his own prey to eating dog food, if he's still eating at all. As for your hand, try running it under a cold tap or better yet, sticking it into a vat of liquid nitrogen. It probably won't help, but souls are tastier when they have a false sense of security.
Cthulhu,
- Is allergic to dogs.
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