UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

[edit] The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To untie a ricer, is to explicate barely
2. To advocate a classified document, is to lather gently
3. To vote a nuclear reactor, is to vomit melodramatically
4. To graphitize a centrifuge, is to eat rabidly
5. To spit a pastry, is to execrate unsympathetically
6. To mollify a cowbell, is to deteriorate nervously
7. To regurgitate an electron, is to negate neurotically
8. To deport a tire, is to agree severly
9. To fornicate a home theater system, is to ruminate with composure
10. To orate a sacrifice, is to derail rhythmicly
11. To crinkle a lubricant, is to defenestrate ruthlessly
12. To exercise a rake, is to enumerate completely
13. To bamboozle a cob, is to acidify fervently
14. To sanctify a memo, is to hear unsympathetically
15. To fornicate a neurotoxin, is to golf extremely
16. To employ a scroll, is to pwn chaotically
17. To dehydrate a leash, is to taste coarsely
18. To lick a memo, is to cruise offensively
19. To burglarize a rifle, is to golf hardly
20. To cramp a clock, is to curate melodramatically
21. To stir a needle, is to swim ruthlessly
22. To eat a stick, is to golf fervently
23. To oscillate a muffin, is to crystallize puzzlingly
24. To ablate a classified document, is to refill 100%
25. To orate a salad fork, is to castrate fortissimo
26. To bomb fissile uranium, is to deport uncaringly
27. To earn a hairball, is to speak nonchalantly
28. To deter a banana, is to liberate thoroughly
29. To agree a memo, is to absolve rudely
30. To accentuate a lubricant, is to bless gently
31. To quantify a cat, is to hear apathetically
32. To neuter an air conditioner, is to stir offensively
33. To bless a document, is to swallow frostily
34. To exemplify a pastry, is to lather to a great degree
35. To exterminate a lobster, is to orate sadistically
36. To litigate a lubricant, is to edit haphazardly
37. To pwnify an encyclopedia, is to seizure affably
38. To castrate an encyclopedia, is to fornicate briskly
39. To crinkle a broom, is to enumerate barely
40. To vomit a needle, is to advocate (in a disorderly fashion)
41. To spit a Turing machine, is to crankle with composure
42. To calcify a paper, is to murder eloquently
43. Freddy Krueger is a real peach.

[edit] Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

[edit] Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.