UnNews:E.coli outbreak proves vegetarians are stupid

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10 October 2006

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If you didn't know it already, vegetarians are stupid, self-righteous jerks.

WASHINGTON --The recent outbreak of deadly E. coli in spinach and cabbage has proven once and for all that vegetarians are ridiculous, self-righteous jerks. Leafy green spinach may be full of vitamins and minerals, but it can also kill you just as quick as any hamburger.

Within days of the first reported E. coli-related case on Aug. 30, illness from the tainted California spinach had spread to two dozen states. Nearly 200 people were sickened — one-third of them in the first 72 hours. Two elderly women and a 2-year-old boy died.

"When you open a bag of spinach, do you wonder how many different plants are in there, and how many different fields it came from?" said Dr. Robert Tauxe, chief of foodborne diseases at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "If something goes wrong on any one of those fields ... one rotten apple spoils the whole barrel," Tauxe said.

Smelly hippie vegan, Freedom Davis Starchild, still believes eating meat is unhealthy and immoral. "Vegetables are grown out of Gaia, the Earth Mother, and are infused with her power. And what gives us human beings the right to torture, slaughter and consume other animals?"

As he was being quoted, a mosquito landed on Starchild's arm, and beads of sweat appeared on his forehead as he struggled not to smash the natural, opportunistic blood-sucker.

A recent ABC News poll indicated that of the people surveyed, a whopping 67 percent said that vegetarians are a big pain in the ass to have over for dinner, since you have to prepare special food for them like they were princes and princesses. Another 62 percent said vegans look pale and unhealthy, and seem to be sick all the time. And what about the vegans who smoke? What a bunch of fucking hypocrites!

So the next time you feel guilty about having the Monte Cristo sandwich instead of the salad, just remember the killing spinach.