UnNews:Easter bunny dies of rabies

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Easter basket deliveries may be in jeopardy this year

Special Council to meet on situation, Eastican officials say

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3 April 2006

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EASTER ISLAND - Reports confirmed that the Holy Head of Easter Deliveries, His Egginess Easterius Rabbitius John Jacob Bugs Bunny II (Bope John Jacob Bugs II), has died of complications resulting from rabies. The Eastican reports his time of death to be 10:05 P.M. last night, Easter Island time. The Bope died at Baint Eggar the Eighteenth Memorial Hospital.

The Bope's funeral is "under preparation," said Archrabishop Eggar Stiles, "and we're shooting for April 13 at the latest. The faithful can purchase tickets starting Wednesday."

The previous Holy Head of Easter Deliveries, His Egginess Easterius Rabbitius John Jacob Bugs Bunny II.

The Bope's body will be presented in state at Bt. Peter Cottontail's Square, from where he gave his weekly address to the faithful, continued Archrabishop Stiles. Also, a new Easter Island giant head will be constructed in honor of the bontiff.

Now the immense task of choosing a new bope comes upon the Eastican.

"This bontiff's, more than any other, save Peter Cottontail the First's, floppy slippers will be harder to fill than any other Bope," Jackrabbit Arthurius Readius said. Jackrabbit Readius is one of the hopefuls in the drawing for the bapal position.

The process goes that the day following the Bope's funeral, the Special Council meets. Drawing each candidate's name from a giant, authentic Ukranian-decorated egg, each candidate is debated over, considered, and then voted on. (There is an odd number of Councilors to prevent ties.) Once a new bontiff is chosen, a rainbow-colored ring of fires is lit in Bt. Cottontail's Square. The Cappella Cottontailia (Cottontailian Chapel) bells are rung, and the Assistants to the Special Council shout, in Latin, "There is a Bope!"

The next task for the new Bope is to choose a bapal name. The name "Peter Cottontail" (or, for that matter, "Peter") is not used, out of respect for the first Bope.

"The question now remains," said Jackrabbit Caffinius Wood, "will there be an Easter basket this year? Easter itself will happen. That was Jesus' Resurrection. But, how will we inadvertently lead the world astray with chocolate goodies and toys for all the girls and boys?"