UnNews:Identity theft up 8,000,000,000,000%

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14 December 2006

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Have you ever tried finding pictures of "fraud"? Its not easy finding an image to represent an intangible concept. This will have to do. Nobody pays enough attention to notice anyway.

The Internet, Earth, Western Spiral Arm, Milky Way, Local Cluster -- The Internet, once a peaceful porn delivery system, has recently become something much more sinister. The rise in online banking has seen the number of identity theft victims increase to at least eleven billion, four billion more than the number of human beings in the world. This rise is attributed to fraudsters branching out to target other species such as voles and certain breeds of dogs.

The main cause of the increase is due to a technique known as "pfishing", in which the perpetrators sit by rivers, lakes and canals for hours at a time dangling sharp baited hooks in the water. A passing fish becomes snared by the hook, and is dragged from the water by its bleeding, shredded impaled lips and left to asphyxiate slowly in the unbreathable air. How this gets fraudsters the personal details of strangers is unknown, but presumably it works, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

Professor Nopanz, senior lecturer at the University of Watford and a leading expert on absolutely everything, was consulted on the rise of this trend. "It is because stupid people have started using the Intarweb. It is widely known that stupid people are the cause of all problems in the world." Professor Ihaff Nopanz (Date of birth 22 May 1975, favourite colour aubergine, mother's maiden name Haspanz) insists that the only way to eliminate online fraud is to force users to sit an IQ test before being allowed to start a web browser.

The number of victims of online identity theft is expected to grow to the low quadrillions within the next six months.