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[edit] PM KICKS DOG, CHILDREN

HOXTON: Prime Minister Tony Blair kicked children and livestock today in an unabashed display of political manoeuvring, UnNews reports.

A dishevelled and foul-mouthed Blair appeared at a press conference shortly after the incident

The incident, in London's fashionable Cocoapump Street was captured by a passer-by who recorded images onto his voicechat handset. But political commentators predict that the newly old-and-unpopular PM was merely deflecting the recent controversies that have led many to question the moral integrety and photogenic quality of his cabinet.

Publicity stunt goes wrong

The Premier met with two classes of the Old Baileys-in-the-Cream Junior school before systematically hoofing each child once in the rump. An onlooker commented on the spectacle, "He was certainly playing up to his "Rock Star" persona, but it all looked rather too good-natured - I don't think it was very spontaneous myself."

Speaking later in a press conference, Blair went on to boast of thrashing his own children, preferring to use the inner tubing of a bike tyre. He ended the interview by reiterating that "You know, I like children - to hit, not to touch." before kicking a dog as he fled the stage.

But the ill-conceived event has been seen as a transparent attempt by the PM to destract media attention from the paedophile ring scandal that was uncovered in Westminster last week.

MP Ruth Kelly (Sir) with paedophile ring (enlarged) last week.

The ring, which operated from within Number 10 itself was centred around Ruth Kelly's office in the Ministry of Children and is believed to have been renting paedophiles to state schools for more than eight years. The racket, dubbed "Paedogate" by the tabloid press was capitalising on the illegal workforce by not declaring them for insurance or tax purposes. (Read More)

The backlash that followed saw widespread calls for Kelly's resignation. Kelly, also a prominenet member of the Westminster Male Choir where she sings the baritone line responded in her characteristic guttural bellow: "The blame for this oversight should be aimed at the conservatives and not myself. Internal investigations have shown that the ring was in place by the time the Tories left office, and I was in fact unaware of it until mid 2004, when I found it behind one of the filing cabinets."

All Images courtesy of BBC.CO.UK/drunken_cunt_kicks_kids