UnNews:Pelicans on West Coast become man-eaters

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4 April 2006

LOS ANGELES - No one suspected that little William I. Ardball, age 6, would be consumed by a crazy, man-eating pelican this morning.

"I just sent him out to play in the intersection, like I usually did," reflected his mother, Tina Ardball. "I remember. It was 7:15 or so and it seemed like a usual morning. Billy met his pimps and bought some angel dust off of them, and got his morning rush. All of a sudden, I heard screaming, and I ran out with the spatula. I thought it was another evil clown like last time. But it wasn't. It...it was a pelican!"

As the day wore on, little Bill I. Ardball proved to be only the first in a series of sudden, rash, seemingly unprovoked attacks by starving pelicans on humans.

Bill I. Ardball, the first victim in a series of attacks on people by deranged pelicans.

"The second case," Coroner Ben N. Jerry III, of the LAPD, explained, "came in from South Central at about 9:00. I've never seen anything like it."

These attacks continued on throughout the day. A pelican is reported to even have eaten an entire family in their convertible, as well as their car keys, picnic basket, and car upholstery.

There were the lucky few who made it to the hospital on time, not DOA or in a bodybag. According to Dr. Robert Fishman, "Some poor old guy came in with three of those dang pests still attached to him. This patient, luckily, got to the hospital in time, and we were able to use intravenous injections of peanut butter to placate the birds until we could tie helium balloons to them and burn them."

The military was eventually called out, at about 1:13 P.M., to attempt to destroy the obnoxious birds. Within minutes, it was reported that at least one Black Hawk helicopter had been downed by the terrible creatures.

"I saw one of my best men die before my eyes," said Gen. Kilgor of the LAPD. "Those things gnawed his leg off. He bled out from the femoral artery. His last words were, 'General...my family...tell them that I left the stove on.' When I saw that, I told my men to bring in the Orange Crush. I just love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Gen. Kilgor then proceeded to bomb, torch, and otherwise mutilate and/or destroy a large fraction of South Central L.A. Some resistance was reported, however, including one militant group of teenagers who threw washing machines, Crock pots, and radio psychiatrists at the soldiers.

Bodies of victims are simply thrown about on couches in the streets. Here, some militant teenage victims of the Flying Tiger Gang, who opposed the military intervention, lying dead from one such pelican attack.

At 5:00 P.M., Dr. Jerry Seinfeld, Ph.D., issued a statement from the scientific community addressing these events.

"These pelicans," he said, "seem to come from the Monterey Bay area. It looks like someone's been throwing something over the side of the boats there. We know it's food coloring and something else that we think is FocusFactor supplement. Whatever it is, when the pelicans ingest it, it rewires their DNA to make them think that they're flying tigers. We are looking into ways to combat the beasts; so far, it looks like microwave beams, late-night TV, and rubber chickens are the most likely ways to stop the marauding animals."

Dr. Seinfeld would have continued had it not been for a sudden mass of man-eating pelicans breaking through the pelican-proofed doors, causing mass hysteria in the audience and the deaths of five candy canes.