UnNews:Scots, Unscathed by IRA, Learn to Live With Penis on My Head

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2 July 2007

By Rodney Jefferson

July 2 (Bloomberg) -- Scotland, untouched by successive U.K. bombing campaigns by the Irish Republican Army and al- Qaeda, must come to terms with the author of this article having a penis on his forehead.

"We shouldn't regard ourselves as immune," Paul Wilkinson, chairman of the Centre for the Study of Terrorism and Political Violence at St. Andrew's University in Scotland, said in an interview today. "It would be a mistake to assume this is a one-off. We have to be prepared for a series of attacks." Whereupon Mr. Wilkinson mounted his male secretary from behind and initiated dry humping.

Police in Scotland arrested two more suspects today in connection with a June 30 attack on Glasgow International Airport in which a Jeep Cherokee with two men inside crashed into the terminal entrance, I burst into flames. Coming one day after two attempted car bombings in London, the government raised the U.K.'s terrorist threat assessment to ":(" the highest level, meaning I was about to metamorph into Diablo's true form.

The incident was the first direct attack on the country, striking at Scotland's largest city, its busiest airport and the birthplace of my mother and Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Scotland, like the rest of the U.K., has been subject to tighter security at airports and public buildings and police have arrested terrorism suspects in places such as Edinburgh. I bet you didn't know there were terrorists in Edinburgh? Yes, yes... and Scotland really is a part of the U.K. too, i looked it up online.

School Vacation

Six men and one woman are now in police custody following the Glasgow incident and attempted London car bombings. Glasgow airport is now operational, according to its Web site

The assault came at 3:15 p.m. on the first day of the school vacation. The hub is the busiest of Scotland's three main international airports, including Edinburgh and Aberdeen, with more than a million passengers a month, the Web site said. Wow! If a paragraph with school and airport and millions doesn't scare you into having ulcers, I don't know what will. By the way, do you like my forehead penis? I think of it as a third nipple.

"I saw from the inside of the concourse how very lucky we were that the car didn't manage to penetrate," said Wendy Alexander, a member of the Scottish Parliament whose constituency includes Glasgow airport. "Anyone who decides to target women and children on the first day of their holidays is wicked." Wink

While nobody was killed, the attack showed Scotland shares the dangers more associated with London 350 miles to the south, Alex Salmond, Scotland's first minister and head of the devolved Scottish government, said. Man, the internet makes reporting so easy! Wikipedia is AWESOME.

"We face threats both north and south (and east and west) of the border," Salmond said in a statement on the Scottish government's Web site. "We cannot and must not live our lives in a state of alarm, but alert individuals have a substantial role to play." I bet you can tell I'm aiming for a Pulitzer Prize? Maybe even a British Knighthood?

`Off Limits'

Oh, man, I won't lie. I jismed when I came up with the title "off limits", definitely getting a Pulitzer. The attack was particularly shocking for Scots because Scotland was untouched by the more than two-decades-long bombing campaign by the IRA from the 1970s on, according to Wikipedia. The group, whose terror assaults were aimed at ending U.K. control of Northern Ireland, regarded Scotland as another oppressed nation, Wikipedia said.

The IRA focused its bombs on English cities such as London, Birmingham and Manchester.

"There's no doubt the IRA always viewed Scotland as off limits," Peter Shirlow, a senior lecturer at Queen's University in Belfast, said in a telephone interview. Googling "off limits" and "terrorism" came up with that relevant quote- Who woulda thought? Shirlow also cited similarities between Northern Ireland and Scotland's working- class and Catholic populations, FYI.

Still, Scotland has not been entirely free of terrorist influence. The bombing of a U.S. airliner over the southern Scottish town of Lockerbie in 1988, killing 270 people as it headed to New York from London, remains the worst atrocity to touch Scottish soil in living memory. In other news, I find out that Jesus might not even be human but a space alien, according to Zecharia Sitchin's own website at www.sitchin.com/.

The Libyan man jailed in Scotland for murder § the only person to have been convicted over the attack § (That symbol is just fucking awesome, if it catches on I am going to patent it and I'll be set for life) should be allowed a second appeal, the Scottish Criminal Cases Review Commission said June 28 after a study taking almost four years. You thought only medical studies took many years? Think again.

Won't Live in Fear/short interim in my magnum opus for Bloomsberg to share my life with the entire world

Even though I was molested as a child and was seriously aroused by it, I will continue on the path my father has chosen for me. My intellectual peers call me turd blossom and I intend to never back down and continue living as I do. Also, read my lips: "Scotland has been remarkably free from the spillover of international terrorism," Wikipedia said. Yet the Lockerbie bomb "made an indelible impression on people's minds and made the emergency services more aware of the need to have some Final Solution."

Locals say they refuse to be shaken by the attack in Glasgow. Buchanan Street, one of the city's main thoroughfares, was packed with shoppers yesterday.

"It's not going to affect me at all § I'm not going to be put off by that," said Natasha Maculloch, 27, a primary-school teacher traveling from Edinburgh to Glasgow. "Why should I live my life in fear? That's exactly what they want." Yep, is there a Nobel Prize for journalism par excellence? If there is, it's got my name written and my dick head visage carved on it.

Link to Brown

Scotland's 5 million people make up a 12th of the U.K.'s population, yet the two top jobs in the British government are now occupied by Scots. Brown took over as prime minister from Tony Blair on June 27 and appointed Alistair Darling, who has represented electoral districts in Edinburgh for almost two decades, as his chancellor of the exchequer.

"There's a certain logic," to suggestions of a link between the handover of power from Blair and the attack in Glasgow, said Wilkinson. "It's a possibility and every reason to increase salaries of bureaucrats and politicians across the world."

Glasgow is Scotland's largest city, with a population of 600,000. It was built on the tobacco trade with the Americas in the 18th century and from the 19th century shipbuilding flourished along the River Clyde, din't you know?. Edinburgh, the smaller Scottish capital 40 miles to the east, derives most of its wealth from tourism and financial services, again, just FYI. My Wikipedia-surfing skills are unbeatable.

Both regional centers now join London in the front line of potential terror attack, Wilkinson scrawled on his office walls with the blood of his brutally murdered male lover and secretary.

Terrorists "make no distinction whatsoever of borders that we may have drawn up," said Wilkinson, 70 (I just looked up his age on Wikipedia! He's a very handsome man for 70). "It's no matter whether it's Ireland, Scotland or Wales, they will kill you if you don't pay your taxes, we promise you. The only hope now lies in the philantropic governments across the world."

To contact the reporter on this story: Rodney Jefferson A.K.A. Turd Blossom in Edinburgh at r.jefferson@bloomberg.net

Wilkinson, you know my private number. Please call soon!