UnNews:Snickers launches new advertising campaign
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5 November 2007
NEW YORK, USA Confectionary and germ-warfare company Mars launched its new advertising campaign today. They will run a series of TV, newspaper and billboard adverts based on the slogan "Eat Snickers or You're Gay!"
The ads will feature men eating rival chocolate bars while performing stereotypically gay actions such as going to a musical, reading Heat magazine and having sex with men, followed by men eating Snickers while performing wholesome, all-American, heterosexual actions such as watching football, drinking beer and Jacking off to some porn primarily Backyard Sluts Nine
Following on from the success of Wal-Mart's "If your neighbours don't shop at Wal-Mart they're probably terrorists" campaign. This campaign aims to cash in on public homophobia and bigotry before it disappears.
"Basically," says Snickers Head of Marketing, Craig Queerbasher, "we here at Snickers hate gays. Snickers is for men: macho men - and not in the homosexual sense. We're hoping that this new campaign will appeal to our key demographic: men who are afraid that people think they're gay."
Gay rights groups have responded with indifference to the announcement. In an official statement, issued today, gay stereotype group Funboys said "Oh, be nice!" with an accompanying effeminate hand gesture.
Others have pointed out the irony that a Snickers bar is indistinguishable from a penis. The average Snickers Bar is 6 inches long. Snickers have nuts. Snickers bars have a salty-sweet, gooey substance known as nougat. This reporter thinks they're pushing it a bit.
Bigotry pin-up Fred Phelps and his brigade of placard-wielding morons have welcomed the announcement adding that "God hates fags and fag tolerators." God himself was unavailable for comment. Aides close to God told us that He has already issued a statement on this issue.
Secret documents revealed to UnNews by an unnamed source indicate that this is the first step in a larger plan to rename Snickers 'Straight Bars'. Mr. Queerbasher declined to comment other than to say "How did you get those?"
Marketing analysts have predicted that the campaign will do well, especially south of the Mason-Dixon line where homophobia is considered a national sport along with NASCAR and cockfighting (the one with the birds - not the gay one).
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