UnNews:Water flowed 'recently' in Utah

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7 December 2006

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The Desolate wasteland of Utah shows signs of recent biological activity and erosion.

MISSION CONTROL, HOUSTON, Texas -- NASA says it has found "compelling, if somewhat dismaying" evidence that liquid water flowed recently in the state of Utah. The finding adds further weight to the idea that Utah might, in some freak coincidence harbor the right conditions for life as we know it. The appearance of strip mines, deforested areas, and nuclear waste depositories, revealed in orbital images from a NASA probe, suggest that water could have flowed on the surface in the last few years, and that humans may once have lived there as well. The latest research emerged when NASA's Utah State Surveyor (USS), a Houston alcoholic who accepted the dangerous mission of charting unseen Western territory, spotted gullies, trenches, and glowing piles of uranium and plutonium that scientists believed were geologically young and carved by fast-moving water coursing down cliffs and steep crater walls and very recent human inhabitation.

However, Scientologists think these fresh gullies could also have been cut by mercury, as water is far to hospitable a chemical to be found in such a desolate place as the Red State of Utah; they theorize that the seemingly man-made structures were actually built by Xenu 10 billion years ago, when he used the volcanoes and atom bombs to kill innocent thetans prior to the intervention of the Intergalactic Walrus Confederation. Said Tom Cruise, Hollywood's local village idiot and Scientologist, "This crap about humans living in Utah are sickening psychiatrist lies. Mormonism, like psychiatry, is a pseudoscience."

Some scientists believe this formation is a large gravel pit in the middle of a high-income suburban neighborhood, while others claim that not even Republicans (rumored to inhabit Utah) are stupid enough to manage a city that horribly.

P. Simon Beauregard FitzGerald-MacAlpin, an assistant professor of geology at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) said that while the interpretation of recent water activity and human life in Utah was "compelling," it was just one possible explanation. FitzGerald-MacAlpin said further study was needed to determine whether the piles of useless gobshite could have been left there by the flow of dust and volcanic ash rather than water, humans, or Xenu.

Deciding what was responsible for the features is a pressing question that has important consequences for the likelihood of life in Utah. Scientists have proposed that reservoirs of liquid water could exist beneath the Utah surface, providing a habitat for "Mormon mole-people" to thrive in.

"This underscores the importance of searching for life in Utah, either present or past," said Eric Wench, a biologist at the University of Colorado at Boulder, who had no role in the study. "It's one more reason to think that life could be there."

Utah State Surveyor abruptly lost radio contact with the civilized world last month. Attempts to locate the drunken Texan on an ATV, who has mapped the Red State since 1996, have failed, and scientists fear he is lost. NASA's nearby Nevada rovers, which landed in 2004, have sent scientists back equally strong evidence that liquid water flowed on the surface of the Intermountain West in ancient times, based on observations of alterations in ancient rocks.

"We're now realising Utah is more active than we previously thought, and that the area which we have deemed Salt Lake City seems to be where all the action is," said Arizona State University scientist Dr. Phil, who was not part of the current research.