UnScripts:The Tragedy of Oscar Wilde
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The Tragedy of Oscar Wilde is a play written by Christopher Marlaugh.
Contents |
[edit] Characters
- Oscar Wilde - Protagonist
- Chuck Norris - Protagonist
- Lady Fanny Wilde - Protagonist
- Jury Foreman - Protagonist
- Sir William Wilde - Antagonist
- Tom Cruise - Antagonist
- Steve Ballmer - Antagonist
- U2 - Antagonists
- The Cops - Antagonists
- The Judge - Antagonist
- The Fat Bastard - Antagonist
- Chaos - Antagonist
- Audience Members - Not involved
[edit] Play
[edit] Act One
[edit] Scene One - 13,775,000,000 BC
(The curtain rises on a void of inky blackness. Tom Cruise is just finishing wiring lights with Chuck Norris. The universe is about to be born.)
| Tom: | Just a couple more swatches... Chuck, could you hand me those pliers? |
| Chuck: | You mess this up, I'll kill you. |
| Tom: | STOP SAYING THAT!!! Just... look, just give me the pliers, man. |
| Chuck: | (grumble) |
| (Chuck fumbles in his pocket for a moment, then pulls out the pliers. Tom grabs them and finishes up work.) | |
| Tom: | There. Finally! Hey, what the-- |
| (As the pair cover their eyes, a shining light appears. For a brief moment, it crackles, then, out from the time tunnel comes Oscar Wilde, our hero, on his magical penny-farthing. He comes to a stop.) | |
| Oscar: | Wotcher! |
| Tom: | Um... who are you? |
| Oscar: | I'm Oscar Wilde! I've come from the future to-- |
| Tom: | Oh, can I show you something? |
| Oscar: | But I've-- |
| Tom: | Look! |
| (Tom reaches for a light switch and pulls down too hard, breaking it off. Oscar tries to help him, but Tom brushes him off.) | |
| Tom: | Why... why did you do that? You're a jerk! |
| Chuck: | Sweet mother of Mercy... |
| Oscar: | What? What is it? |
| Tom: | This place is going to BLOW!!! |
| (Tom and Chuck duck for cover, but Oscar stands firm. Holding his head high, he summons his great power over words and wills them into being.) | |
| Oscar: | LET THERE BE LIGHT!!! |
| (With a mighty crash, the void is shaken to its foundations. The lights all come aglow at once, then finally overload and explode, bringing the universe into existence. Tom and Chuck poke their heads out of their asses.) | |
| Chuck: | (whisper) My God... it's beautiful! |
| Tom: | It's fake! |
| Chuck: | Hey, now... |
| Oscar: | What?! |
| Tom: | It's a mission statement! |
| Chuck: | Come on, what’s wrong with you?! |
| Tom: | Hey, you’re a jerk! |
| Oscar: | Oh, shut up, already! |
| Tom: | Hey! Did you hear what he said? He—he just told me to— |
| Oscar: | AAAAAAA! |
| (Slowly, a little person buds forth from Oscar. He pops off and grows quickly into a full-size man. He is Albert Camus.) | |
| Albert: | Hi! I’m Albert Camus! |
| (He begins to drink gin with gusto. Oscar suddenly gets another bud.) | |
| Oscar: | STOP IT!!! Make it STOP!!! OOWWWW!!! |
| (Slowly, another little person buds forth from Oscar. He, too, pops off and grows quickly into a full-size man, albeit one with a ridiculous mustache. He is Nietzsche.) | |
| Nietzsche: | All things are ABSURD!!! |
| Albert: | Hey, bro! Want some gin? |
| (The two share a drink, resulting in “The Fall”.) | |
| Oscar: | If you don’t get that joke, you suck at philosophy! |
| (With a sudden pop, Chaos comes into existence. She turns around and smiles awkwardly.) | |
| Chaos: | Hi! I'm Chaos! |
| Nietzsche: | (retch) |
| (Out from the depths of a drunken Nietzsche erupts Morgan Freeman.) | |
| Morgan Freeman: | Am I Irish? |
| Chaos: | Ummm... |
| (As Chaos thinks deeply, she lets out an unladylike fart, thus creating time.) | |
| Chaos: | Oops! Excuse me... |
| Oscar: | Finally! My pocketwatch is working aga-- |
| (As Oscar extols the virtues of his rejuvenated pocketwatch, he is stepped on by a ginormous Chaos.) | |
| Chaos: | Oh, dear! |
| (Chaos scrapes Oscar off the bottom of her shoe, inadvertently giving him superpowers.) | |
| Oscar: | By Jove! It's what I've always wanted! |
| (Now imbued with power, he quickly invents homosexuals.) | |
| Chuck: | Sweet Yehoshua! You rat bastard, you're goin' to Hell! |
| Oscar: | I'm sorry... where?! |
| Chuck: | Oh, you know what I said, ya prevert! |
| Oscar: | Well, I-- |
| (At that moment, Paris Hilton is birthed from a lump of swirling gases.) | |
| Paris Hilton: | That's hawt. |
| Oscar: | Oh, God... |
| Chuck: | Sweet-fried Kentuckistan mash! |
| (With that, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks Paris Hilton into AD 2006.) | |
| Oscar: | That gives me an idea... |
| (At long last, Snakes on a Plane is finally created.) | |
| Oscar: | And there was much rejoicing. |
| (The curtain falls.) | |
[edit] Scene Two - 9,999,999,999 BC
(The curtain rises on a rather Spartan bedroom. On the bed, Oscar Wilde is experiencing the wonders of sex with a nubile young prostitute.)
| Oscar: | OH, YEAH! Oh, HUMP ME, HUMP ME, HUMP ME!!! Oh, you're an ANIMAL!!! Oh, oh, OH, YEEEAAAAAHHH!!! |
| (Suddenly, two police officers barge into the bedroom, big metal mallets drawn.) | |
| Cop #1: | Get up! |
| Oscar: | What the fuck is this? |
| Cop #2: | Up! NOW!!! |
| Oscar: | You trapped me, you fucking cunt?! This is... this is entrapment! You can't just fucking arre-- |
| (One of the officers strike Oscar on the head with his mallet.) | |
| Oscar: | OH! |
| (Oscar falls to the floor. The officers cuff him and drag him away unconscious, while the prostitute lies in bed, untouched.) | |
| (The lights dim for a moment, but come back on as we go into a courtroom setting, later that day. Oscar is standing is a stockade, facing a judge.) | |
| Judge: | The defendant will rise. |
| (Oscar attempts to shift in the device, but only ends up twisting his neck more.) | |
| Oscar: | OW! Stupid stockade... |
| Judge: | Mr. Wilde, the jury has reviewed your case, being charged with one count of alleged molestation, two counts of buggery, and one count of illegal experimentation in the bedroom, and have now come to a decision. |
| Oscar: | (sigh) |
| Judge: | Please face the jury. |
| (Oscar cranes his head over to the jury bench, but gets a crick in his neck.) | |
| Oscar: | Oh! Grrrr... |
| Judge: | Mr. Foreman, how do you find? |
| Foreman: | In the case of People v. Oscar Wilde, we, the jury, find the defendant incredibly... innocent! |
| (Oscar leaps in the stockade.) | |
| Oscar: | WHOOO!!! |
| Foreman: | Innocent on all charges! |
| Judge: | AAAAIIIIIII!!!!! |
| (The judge collapses in his seat of a heart attack.) | |
| Foreman: | Mr. Wilde, you are free to go. |
| (The bailiff unlocks the stockade, and Oscar leaps out. With a whoop and a holler, he runs out of the courtroom, and the curtain falls.) | |
[edit] Scene Three - 3200 BC
(The curtain rises on a large party. Oscar Wilde is being chased after by some nubile young men, while Chaos stands in a corner, alone and hopeless.)
| Oscar: | Oh, you boys are so naughty! Oh, come on, don't be shy, come on... |
| (The young men all pile up onto Wilde, and the floor is soon running with semen.) | |
| Chaos: | What a bunch of show-offs... |
| (She watches a butterfly dance around the room, then zaps it to death with her powers of chaos.) | |
| Chaos: | Hey... if I can make that butterfly weaken, then maybe... |
| (As a devious smile crosses her face, another young man dashes across the room to join the pile-up. As he runs by, she spanks his bottom. The man grins at her, not knowing he has now been infected with a dreadful new STD: Hepatitis A.) | |
| Chaos: | Heh-heh-heh. Now it's a party. |
| (The man positions himself, bending over towards the bottom of the pile, and Oscar soon jumps out, his dick landing square in the man's arse.) | |
| Oscar: | Oh, yeah, baby! |
| Chaos: | Success! |
| (The lights dim for a moment, but come back on as we go into the same room, the next morning. Oscar Wilde gets up, disentangles himself from the mob of men passed out on the floor, and drunkenly stumbles into the bathroom, shutting the door. As the door swings shut, we see Chaos eagerly crouched next to it.) | |
| Chaos: | 5, 4, 3, 2... |
| (From behind the door, Oscar screams.) | |
| Oscar: | OW, MY DICK!!! |
| (The door flies open, and Oscar runs out, wailing like a banshee. He looks around until he sees Chaos, smugly grinning.) | |
| Oscar: | WHAT DID YOU DO?! WHAT DID YOU DO?! |
| Chaos: | Nothing... but a little Hepatitis A. |
| Oscar: | HEPATITIS A? Oh, GOD!!! |
| (Oscar begins shaking Chaos.) | |
| Oscar: | YOU CUNT! YOU CUNT! NOW YOU'LL NEVER GET LAID!!! NNNEEEVVVVEEERRRR!!! |
| Chaos: | Wh-What? |
| Oscar: | Oh, sure, I would have introduced you to the wonders of sex if you'd broadened your mind a little, but, after this, NEVER!!! |
| Chaos: | I...I...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! |
| (With a bang, Chaos vanishes from existence.) | |
| Oscar: | Well... fuck. |
