Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/August
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July 32: Independence Day (Switzerland): Day of Drive-By-Shooting (Los Angeles)
- 607 - Ono no Imoko, hearing about new his envoy job to the Sui court in China, reportly said "Ono no Inogo !".
- 1645 - French general Marcus Hum declare war on pants.
- 1646 - The King of France ZengRong executed Marcus and surrenders to itself.
- 1647 - Zeng Rong surrenders it's pants, itself then surrenders itself to the void and floats downstream.
- 1781 - The Puebla of Los Angeles has it's first drive-by-shooting as a disgruntled Indian medicine man on horseback shoots an arrow in the back of a hippie for stealing from his marijuana field.
- 1910 - Los Angeles celebrates it's first drive-by-shooting from a car, a Ford Model T. However, the culprit is quickly apprehended by LAPD, who were chasing on foot.
- 1919 - the people of Zimbabwe elect their first lord high bison
- 1923 - Calvin Klein proclaims himself Emperor of Cologne, Germania.
- 1949 - "Happy Ending" first added to a massage.
- 1957 - Rod Serling ticketed in the Middle Ground between Light and Shadow for driving Noon in a Twilight Zone.
- 1979 - Australia's first kangaroo prime minister is elected. He later appoints marsupials to the judiciary, resulting in the establishment of kangaroo courts.
- 1981 - MTV airs on cable, declares victory.
- 1983 - Something happened, but nobody can remember what it was.
- 1986 - Soviet Union invades the United States in President Ronald Reagan's mind.
- 1988 - Sir Thomas Coffee dies from AIDS during a drive-by shooting.
- 1991 - President Clinton starts to integrate all the States of Eurasia by building an interstate (I-2) from Dublin, Ireland to Tokyo, Japan.
- 1992 - Emperor Bush Sr. builds a train route from Anchorage, Alaska to Buenos Aires, Argentina to integrate America.
- 1995 - Monumental Supreme Court case Money vs. Looks decided.
- 2004 - Bob Saget comes out of the closet.
- 2004 - Kansas melted by Nebraskan Death Ray.
- 2006 - Lebron went to Lebanon to find out why his name is so silly. He discovers that his name is not derived from Lebanon, but a chip shop in Bromford.
- 2006 - Seeking the same, Anfernee goes to his birth certificate.
- 2006 - MTV turns 25 years old, now 24 years older than its target demographic. Viacom surrenders to France.
- 2009 - The NFL folds and is replaced by the National Lacrosse League on NBC.
- 2010 - Osama bin Laden dies
- 2011 - Osama bin Laden returns as the Ghost of Christmas Past
- 2254 - A sad day in world history. The last male platypus dies, leaving the species no chance.
August 2: Intentionally Give A Stranger Misleading Directions Day
- 1452 - Illegal Aliens try to invade Mars to steal jobs from the people there. They meant to get to Earth, but luckily Jupiter gave them misleading directions.
- 1492 - During Christopher Columbus's expedition, a young Carib native helps the lookout on the lead ship- into a reef.
- 1493 - Christopher Columbus comes back and burns that little snot's village and builds La Navidad on top of it.
- 1602 - Aliens try to invade Europe, but return home to regroup after Indians give them false directions and the aliens wind up at the South Pole.
- 1790 - The first US Census is conducted, in Brazil.
- 1922 - Allen Zeitgeist asks for directions to New York from Boston. Told to "turn left where the large tree used to be" the series of events that followed causes the stock mareket crash and the great depression.
- 1939 - Tomasz Wankovszki, a Ukrainian farmer, accidentally starts World War 2 by sending the German army into Poland, telling them that it is actually "A shortcut to Czechoslovakia."
- 1941 - Tomasz Wankovszki narrowly escapes angry German troops, disguising himself as a janitor and pointing "that-a-way."
- 1952 - 19 kittens are simultaneously fired from three cannons in Quebec. This day has since become known as Three-Bean Salad Day in all countries except North Korea.
- 1956 - You can't get there from here.
- 1993 - Something happens in Atlanta, Georgia. What exactly happened has been unknown to this point.
- 2001 - Flight controllers in NY join the "Give Misleading Directions Day" celebrations.
- 2002 - Aliens invade Earth but are defeated and forced to retreat a few days later when their secret weakness is discovered. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix are named Time Persons of the Year for the discovery.
- 2003 - The word Uranus is announced on CNN news. People around the world giggle.
- 2007 - Nobody asks you for directions. You feel sad.
- 2007 - Road sign found saying "Keep Right", with arrow pointing left.
- 2008 - I will win the war
- 2011 - The Americans drop a nuke on the White House after being given false directions to Al Qaeda's secret headquarters.view -
- Way too long ago - Some large lizards were forgotten off the face of the earth... or something...
- A long time ago - Some guy was born.
- A little more recent - Some guy did something important. The guy with the hair.
- hmmm - Uh... dang... <pffft>
- Way back when - The guy who wears clothes invented that thing that people use.
- A while ago - Two countries started a war. You know, that famous one with that big battle where a bunch of people died.
- I can't quite recall - I think there was a battle.
- Back before I was born - Some guy became the leader of some country.
- In the good old days - France was invaded by a certain foreign power.
- Sometime - Some lady called and left a message.
- That one time, at band camp - Some rich dude went and did something or other to this one website
- Then - Some famous guy or Some famous lady did something funny.
- The other day - Someone did something.
- The Other Other Day - this guy did something amazing
- A little later - This other guy went somewhere
- At some point - This one guy may or may not have done something that might be considered noteworthy in some circles.
- Like, whenEVER - 'kay, like you remember that guy from the commercial with the, um, thing on his head? No, the OTHER one. Well, he gets shot I think, no, actually I meant assaulted in some way, by some other guy, or girl, and it's was sooooo all over the TV, or radio? I guess it took place somewhere.
- Not too long ago - Poor people demolish a wall to create a bit more living space somewhere.
- Around 1995 - That TV show is cancelled. You know, the one with that guy, always wore a shirt... c'mon, help me out here.
- Y'know, that day - That guy, with the hat, and that other guy, they do those things they do, y'know, with the monkey, and the bar, and that hat they always used in the ... the uh, commercials.
- Two days before the Day after Tommorrow Your Mom did something that she usually only does on Saturday nights up at Nob Hill.
- When was it again? - People could vaguely remember when is Vague Day
- Around that one time - You vaguely remember what happened that one night.
- A long time from now in a galaxy far, far away - Some dude invents some thing that does something that for some reason makes him meet some alien race somewhere.
- Sometime between the beginning and end of time- someone avoids direct answer
August 4: Himmler Gets His Freak-on Day:
- 70 - The destruction of the Second Temple in Jerusalem by the Romans. A spokesman for the Roman centurions says that while the casualties are unfortunate, the ongoing Roman offensive is necessary to ensure a peaceful future in the Middle East.
- 1516 - 04/08/1516. 23:42pm. A mysterious island is discovered in the Pacific Ocean. Millions are perplexed for the next 500 years.
- 1693 Dom Perignon invents Champagne. This date is traditionally marked in France by the consumption of a forty of malt liquor.
- 1925 - To prevent confusion, the Church renames Himmler books to Hymnal books worldwide.
- 1942 - France surrenders to the Invading Nazis for the twelfth time after the country is shown pictures of Hitlers testicle
- 1943 - Himmler discovers he likes to dress like a Japanese schoolgirl.
- 1944 - The Gestapo finds diarist Anne Frank. Himmler steals her clothes.
- 1959 - Barbie is born. She declares herself ruler of the world.
- 1960 - Mickey Mouse is not happy with Barbie's decision and plots to overthrow her. The fight ends in a power sharing agreement.
- 1964 - Gulf of Tonka Incident. While at the beach, older brother accused of hitting younger brother with a Tonka truck. After older brother is spanked by Mom, further investigation reveals that no attack occurred.
- 1983 - Frank Sinatra became the leader of Lounge Force.
- 1999 - The Unclickable Link is invented by Anonymous and instantly makes the Internet obsolete, single handedly causing the dot-com bubble burst.
- 2005 - Himmler finally reveals that he is the guy in the Paris Hilton sex-tape.
- 2007 - Einstein returns in his Model T Flux Capacitor
August 5: Mysterious Woody At The Mall Day:
- 1799 - Woody Guthrie was seen at the mall with his guitar.
- 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
- 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed. Woody was heard to exclaim "Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!".
- 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
- 1961 - JFK gets woody at mall opening, denies any connection to Marilyn Monroe.
- 1962 Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
- 1979 - First recorded instance of mass-woodying by all the men attending the opening of Britain's first shopping mall.
- 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals; he then proceeds to the Asian section of the food court.
- 1991 - The most amazing person ever was born ... her name ... Jenna Duncan
- 1998 - Woody from Toy Story is said to be at the mall.
- 2000 - woody woodpecker seen at mall
- 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.
- 2006 - Cape Breton invades Uncyclopedia.
- 2023 - Lindsay Lohan is finaly released from rehad.
- 2134 - Britney Spears final returns to a normal person
August 6: National Wear Glow-in-the-Dark Viking Costume Day (Ireland)
- 578 - The Vikings discover Glow-in-the-Dark materials long before Colombus.
- 741 - Behemoth first discovered at the California shoreside.
- 875 - Sir Lord Baron Marquis Beowulf was eaten by Behemoth
- 1787 - Sixty proof sheets of the Constitution of the United States are delivered to the Constitutional Convention. Found to be slightly tame, they added some Everclear.
- 1945 - The U.S. gives the city of Hiroshima custom glow-in-the-dark costumes.
- 1950 - Birth of the 50's viking Sail 'n' Roll
- 1956 - Birth of Viking fetish Porn
- 1957 - Millions of men quietly celebrate the first anniversary by staying in their rooms all day.
- 1987 - A Group consisted of Komodo dragon , werewolf , Blue Ape and Giant whale formed the first Viking Metal band inside their cave.
- 2000 - National Wear Glow-in-the-Dark Viking Costume Day is declared the best holiday on Earth.
- 2006 - A 1.5 magnitude earthquake occurs on the Moon. Blamed on global warming.
- 2007 - A vacant toilet seat is nominated for President.
- 2008 - It wins the presidency.
- 2345 - 2 plus 2 finally equals 22.
August 7: Anniversary of the Day The Matrix Stopped Being Cool
- 1458 - Math matrices (invented August 6, 1458 on the island of Thule) are deemed annoying. This resulted in the start of the mathematicians' decline from the top of the pantheon of coolness.
- 2003 - An adolescent who, for no reason at all, starts mimicking the slow-motion bullet dodge from the first movie on a bus, is appalled to discover that his fellow passengers are not immediately breaking out in applause and high-fives, as is usual whenever any reference to The Matrix is made by anyone at any time.
- 2004 - A suburban family, watching a toothpaste advertisement featuring characters in black leather doing kung-fu, lets out a bored sigh in complete unison.
- 2005 - A stand-up comedian, beginning a joke with the words "You take the blue pill", is booed offstage and has his car tyres slashed.
- 2006 - A man is kicked to death for saying "Whoa" in a Keanu-esque fashion.
- 2008 - Robert Mugabe becomes the 44th President of the USA, announces that the Matrix "is totally not cool" and that people caught watching it "will be shot."
- 2196 - Dinosaurs return to Earth.
August 8: For God's Sake Leave Your Bloody Cellphone Alone For 5 Minutes Day, MS Paint n008 day.
- 1012 - Monks discover how angry God can get.
- 1576 - The cornerstone for Tycho Brahe's Uraniborg observatory is laid by Hven. The first Borg was sighted 3 years later, some 4.7 parsecs distance.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph, which duplicates mimes.
- 1888 - Windemere, a tiny, neurotic jew, belonging to American writer Ernest Hemingway, was born Shlomo Tevyah
- 1961 - Birthday of U2's The Edge, as well as his twin brother, The Corner.
- 1980 - Wait just a sec, I have a call. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're right here. I don't know, something about an anniversary. Hah, yeah, I know. And that stupid-looking hat, yeah. Oh, sorry, I gotta let you go.
- 1982 - Shit, sorry, this is the last call, I promise. Hey. It's on the counter. It's on the counter. On the counter. The counter. On the - it's on the FUCKING COUNTER! THE COUNTER! ON THE COUNTER!
- 1998 - Your Cell phone becomes more important than your mother.
- 2004 - Fay Wray, American actress (b. 1907), passes away, after slipping on an enormous banana peel.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia's 10000th Article is written. It's a disappointment.
- 2005 - However, The 10001st article is an overwhelming success
August 9: Copy the Previous Day Day
- 69 - Roman festival of Repetitionalia inaugurated. Unfortunate for Emperor Nero, as he is murdered all over again.
- 1066 - England invaded successfully for the last time, all occupants are now immigrants except for the Cornish.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a mimeographed copy of a patent for his mimeograph.
- 1976 - I just said that!
- 1980 - What are you...
- 1982 - Stop repeating what I'm saying!
- 1998 - Bill Murray commits suicide, leaves note reading "I can't handle this shit again"
- 2004 - People start to realise that yesterday wasn't neccessarily "such hot shit after all".
- 2005 - U.S. Government stuck for replacement festival, decide to re-instigate Copy The Previous Day Day. Again.
- 2006 - Due to a printing error, calendars list today as "Copy the Previous Copy the Previous Day". Global panic ensues.
August 10: Vatican Mardi Gras / Cancer appreciation day
- 1479 - Pope Innocent VIII inaugurates Vatican Mardi Gras.
- 1675 - The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London was laid. It was happy all day.
- 1821 - Missouri is admitted as the 24th U.S. state, New Hampshire leaves the U.S., stating that Missouri smells.
- 1822 - United States begins to look into whether it's possible to un-admit a state.
- 1829 - Pius VII initiates the tradition of throwing beads to nuns and screaming "Show us your tits!". With sexy results.
- 1846 - Founding of the Smithsonian Institution with a $500,000 grant from James Smithson. The first museum is the Air and Space Museum. Due to the limited technology of the day, the Air and Space Museum's exhibits consist of a kite, a feather, and a weird-shaped greenish rock that "looks kinda like it coulda come from space, or som'thin".
- 1914 - Pope Pius X killed in a collision between carnival floats. The driver had become distracted after Pius threw beads to a group of nuns.
- 1989 - Pope John Paul II flashes a crowd of thoroughly appalled onlookers in Rome. With sexy results.
- 1991 - Leo Fender, inventor of the musician, passes away. His death is marked by an international minute of silent rockin' out on the air guitar.
- 1992 - Girls Gone Wild: Cardinal Sins is released in the United States to critical acclaim. Gene Shalit declares it to be "one of the best movies released today." With sexy results.
- 1995 - An unknown bishop, John Ratzinger, gets into a freak accident involving a beer bong and a stripper. With sexy results.
- 2000 - Nothing much happened (with sexy results)
- 2001 - Glace Bay experiences a heat wave when temperatures reach 308°C. As a result the ocean boils and pavement melts.
- 2006 - Pope John Paul II gets bored in hell cause he can't attend this year's Vatican Mardi Gras
- 2010 - John Wilkes Booth is bored in heaven so he kills Barack Obama.
August 11: Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Day
- 480 BC - Greeks kick Persian ass in the Battle of Thermopylae, and vice versa. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad still hasn't got over it.
- 1492 - Alexander VI is elected Pope. He becomes known for making lewd and improper suggestions to the cardinals.
- 1858 - First ascent of the Eiger. After this ascent, an Eiger counter kept track.
- 1959 - Zimbabwe declares independence.
- 1960 - Chad declares independence. "Screw you dad! I'm tired of living under your fascist system!" Chad moves back in in early 1961.
- 1966 - John Lennon holds a press conference apologizing for stating that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus." "I meant to say we were more popular than Mohammed."
- 1969 - First men land on the moon. While collecting moon rocks, Neil Armstrong "accidentally" rubs up against Buzz Aldrin.
- 1970 - Jimmy Page does heroine for the fist time.
- 1971 - Jimmy Page wonders why he did heroine instead of heroin. Pinches Robert Plant's ass onstage. John Bonham drinks more gin.
- 1972 - Last United States ground combat unit departs South Vietnam. Says an Army spokesman, "Thank goodness we've learned our lesson! No more pointless guerilla wars without an exit strategy for us!"
- 1990 - Worlds most beautiful person is born, not only she is beautiful she also has an 230 I.Q. Her name is Marina Paula Sofie Reimer and she was born in Greenland, Ilulissat.
- 1993 - President Bill Clinton takes interest in the new White House secretary.
- 2004 - Bill O'Reilly makes several drunken phone calls. He later wakes up to discover that he is the now the Democratic Representative for New Hampshire, and president of the international Gay and Lesbian Alliance.
- 2032 - Hilary Clinton suffers a heart attack, doctors discover Clinton is an actual robot during open heart surgery.
August 12: Madonna Depreciation Day (Worldwide)
- 1675 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War
- 1782 - The international distress call SOL was first used by seaman Eric Eriffel enroute to Northumberland.
- 1908 - First Model T Ford built. It faces stiff competition from the pirate-made Model R.
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched
- 1964 - English novelist Ian Fleming passes away when he is mistakenly served a vodka martini stirred, not shaken.
- 1971 - Air Guitars invented
- 1972 - Elvis gained another 40 pounds when a lot of his singles were sold.
- 1976 - Shag carpeting went out of style and avocado refrigerators got icemakers.
- 1976 - The Mark is born, the humanity got a new reason for living, he's 31 by now.
- 1979 - Shagging carpeting becomes groovy as better lubricants are discovered.
- 1982 - Women give up men in exchange for their sports jackets and shoulder pads with built in cash machines.
- 1997 - Michael Jackson gets trapped in an oxygen chamber and emerges 3 days later wearing pajamas, a cucumber facial mask, and curlers.
- 2003 - Madonna kisses Britney Spears in the first televised ritual of the white trash dyke mating
August 13: International apathy day
August 14: Brutal dictator appreciation day (Saudi Arabia & Jacksonville,Fl)
- Long time ago - Emperor takes over the galaxy in Star Wars (TM)
- 3 - Boy is constantly dirty, ehm.. Jesus something
- 1844 - Toast is invented
- 1855 - Following the war of a thousand toasters, the recipe for toast is lost for over 5000 years.
- 1856 - Toast is rediscovered.
- 1857 - Toast is forgotten.
- 1880 - Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany, is completed. It smells great!
- 1912 - Chipmunks discovered on Mars.
- 1915 - Chipmunks given Green Cards
- 1923 - Start of the Dotcom Era.
- 1958 - Oprah eats the entire population of Koreans.
- 1991 - "You've got the right one baby, uh-huh!"
- 2001 - George W. Bush is "elected" by his daddys friends to be president of the United States.
- 2005 - Ego is discovered to be, in fact, a dirty word.
- 2006 - Horizontal Line is discovered in your pants.
- 2007 - Vertical line is discovered in the inside of your pants.
- 2007 - Hitler is finally mentioned in Brutal Dictator Appreciation Day. Took long enough.
- 2006 - World's oil resources used up,urine is the new petrol
- 2009 - Nut and dick implants are invented
- 2010 - Nut and dick implants found to cause cancer. Some 1.3 million white gangstas are affected.
- 2011 - Starbucks takes over the world. The Starbucks era begins.
- 2577 - Starbucks is overthrown by organic coffee growers. The Starbucks era comes to an end, but the organic era egins.
- 2299113 - Tranya drunk copiously by Mecha Hussein.
August 15: Hug People While You're on Fire Day:
- 1,000,000 BC - Caveman introduces fire to humankind as he hugs people for help while he is on fire.
- 410 - The Dark Ages make an unexpected appearance when the holiday finds a devoted fan-base among 5th century scholars.
- 1800 - Napoleon invades Russia, but forgets to hug Stalin when he on fire, thus ensuring French defeat.
- 1914 - A male servant of American architect Frank Lloyd Wright set fire to the living quarters of Wright's Wisconsin home, Taliesin, murdered seven people, and burned the living quarters to the ground. It's believed the servant was on fire and just in a huggy mood.
- 1924 - Last "Running of the Cthulhu" in Barcelona, Spain.
- 1963 - Buddhist Monks protest South Vietnam government's discriminatory policies which favor Catholics by lighting themselves on fire and hugging the Arch-Bishop.
- 1975 - Three members of the Fantastic Four hospitalized with third degree burns after the fourth member, Johnny Storm, takes Ecstasy.
- 1990 - playstation net id wlt from Canada "country of amazing" was born not realising he have to hug people while he is on fire.
- 2001 - Strawberry Jesus is born to the virgin mother Penny Bain, and his disciples celebrate this date each year as Clock Day.
- 2002 - Hug People While You're on Fire Day partially negated by Hug People While You're Wet Day
August 16: Friendly hand gesture day (Canada), Unfriendly hand gesture day (New York City). (Though this is really everyday in NY, we're just listing it.)
- 70,000,000 B.C. - The creature that would go on to evolve into a human first evolved a middle finger. After displaying the shiny new digit to the surrounding area for a week, he is promptly shot by a T-rex with road rage.
- 1960 - Cyprus gains its independence from the United Kingdom. In gratitude it shows the U.K. a friendly hand gesture.
- 1993 - Jim Varney and all his kin move to Beverly Hills, California, waving hello to every motorist they meet with a local friendly hand gesture.
- 2006- Christopher gave the friendly hand gesture to all
- 2007 - A small rat dies under a floorboard, no-one seems to notice
- 2200 - Humans evolve into Homo Superior with 6 finger on each hand. After a global conference, the world was divided between "abolishing this day" and "invent a new gesture using the 2 middle fingers". Opposing sides are unsure how to properly show their distain for each other. The dispute is resolved by genetically engineering human beings with seven digits.
- 3000 - Someone notices the dead rat.
August 17: Dingo Ate My Baby Day (Australia).
- 5000 B.C. - first dingo arrives in Australia. Says dingo: "Man, I'm hungry. Could sure go for something chewy and defenseless."
- 3020 B.C. - Dingo's successfully mate with a Wallaby. The Dallawingoby young, a Wingodollajoeyhopper, is found to be delicious when BBQ'd, insuring quick extinction.
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson releases happiness at 11am.
- 1777 - Thomas Jefferson releases packs of Dingoes into the Virgina wilderness. These same Dingoes are later accredited with the eminination of the Roanoke Settlement.
- 1918 - Bolshevik revolutionary leader Moisei Uritsky is assassinated. Dingos are suspected.
- 1980 - "Ah Dingo Ate Moy Baybee!"
- 1984 - Happiness is prohibited by the ISoPT.
- 1986 - A pack of rabid Dingoes invade and devour the city of Syndey Austrailia.
- 1988 - Pakistani President Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq and US Ambassador Arnold Raphel are killed in a plane crash. And then eaten by dingos.
- 1988 - The legendary Alex Cross was born in Redhill, Surrey, UK. He then roundhouse-kicked a dingo in the face when it tried to eat him.
- 1997 - Rabid packs of Dingoes win parlamentary elections in Austrailian run-off elections.
- 1999 - Nothing happens.
- 2004 - Alex Cross beat Chuck Norris in a fight, but Chuck Norris, with his last ounce of strength, roundhouse-kicked himself back in time to avoid being in a fight with someone far superior.
- 2006 - President George W Bush is confused on why the farmer would name his dog "Dingo". Puppet Master Cheney tries to explain, but then gets fed up and shoots a friend in the face.
- 2009 - Mount Everest a splode.
August 18: Everbody Attack From Godzilla Day / Dyslexia Awareness Week Begins
- 768744 BC - Your mother jokes invented.
- 644 - A prodigous comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
- 1212 - Snopes become extinct.
- 1558 - The highly controversial War of Unbirthdays begins, with the Stalking of the Mimes. The Plutocrats win.
- 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
- 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
- 1985 - Dyslexia Awareness Week begins for the first time. The week opens up with the Chevy Chase film: Feltch.
- 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
- 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
- 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The gay Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
- 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
- 1993 - Princess Diana pre-died.
- 1996 - All logic is suspended, indefinitely.
- 1997 - Snopes invented.
- 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this fact as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
- 2003 - George Bush is famously quoted saying "I'm not dislestic"
- 2006 - More people die than usual.
- 2006 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
- 2006 - Ophra Winfrey is beaten senseless in the streets of L.A. after inciting the Dr. Phil Riots.
August 19: International Emo Day, Afgahnistan Day (A.K.A. Bring your own Infidel Saturday)
- 6 million BC - Last Dinosaur commits suicide after seeing a nude Bush (G Dub Buzz was there using a time machine)
- 1550 - Someone predicted that some moron would be reading this line at this very time.
- 1674 - Gothie the Visigoth, bored with Goths, invents emo. Becomes Emo Phillips, marries annoying accordion playing bitch.
- 1997 - An emo kid accidentally smiles, and makes up for it by shooting himself in the mouth.
- 1998 - The city of Jacksonville, Florida bans emo.
- 1999 - She doesn't love me any more
- 2000 - I can't read any more.
- 2001 - I'm a non conformist (just like all my other friends)!
- 2002 - Listen to this shitty poem I just wrote. It's about angst.
- 2003 - I tried cutting, but it wasn't tragic enough.
- 2004 - Small group of emo defectors go out to a carnival for cotton candy, singing, and good times. They wind up in the river, suffocated with black makeup.
- 2005 - General despair.
- 2006 - Why doesn't anybody comment on my Livejournal entries?
- 2007 - Emo Phillips reallises his army of 'Non-Conformists' all look the same. Mass crying ensues.
- 2008 - Everyone laughs uproariously after repeating the same joke 100 times.
- 2019 (1000 hrs) - Microsoft makes Windows 95 free for everyone (For personal use only).
- 2019 (1800 hrs) - Microsoft makes windows 95 a paid software after sufferring a serious loss.
August 20: International Random Elvis Sighting in Uncyclopedia Articles Day
- 800 A.C. - Oscar Wilde founds Uncyclopedia by creating articles with random titles, all redirecting to Elvis.
- 1804 ADD - Lewis and Clark go on their Raping Expedition. Pocahontas is their first victim.
- 1914 - Vorld Var Von: Germans invade Brussel Sprouts.
- 1977 - Elvis takes a killer shit.
- 1991 AD - Fewer than infinity people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the placement of Elvis' portraits throughout Mikhail Gorbachev's Uncyclopedia article.
- 1998 - The Empire strikes back, bombing Uncyclopedia with random pictures of nude Elvis, in retaliation to Elvis bombing the Empire's embassy on Earth on August 7 protesting against deleting his Uncyclopedia article by an admin who claimed the Elvis article to be a "non-notable vanity page by an anonymous Force spirit".
- 2000 - Monkeys on strike against corrupt banana companies. Elvis calls out to fans for a total banana boycot.
- 2002 - U.S. marines found traces of peanut butter-banana sanwiches and methamphetamines in a cave near Kabul along with a written note: "Osama has left the building".
- 2005 - Numerous Uncyclopedia articles vandalized to denote a random sighting of the King in the article.
- 2006 - Numerous UnNews articles vandalized by replacement with a story about Afghan police being bombed, apparently in an attempt at a badly-overstretched joke based on previous two sightings.
- 2007 - Elvis need more cowbell
- 2050 - Someone thinks they see Elvis, but realizes that he's probably dead by now.
August 21: International Official And Then A Bit National Long, Retarded Names Day
- 23 BC - God invents Earth - A rejected nominee for the Nobel Prize
- 1458 AD - Little child in London shouts 'Look, a duck!' whilst pointing in the air to stabilise enough time to rob the city when the population is staring pointlessly at the sky
- 1814 - A horrible pirate fights to the death between Bluckbeard's army of swag-takin', no good pirates against the Sea. Nobody wins and no survivors are left to tell the story
- 1902 AD - The youngest of three children is sent into the forest so that she may find firewood. Meanwhile, the family plants a tack on the child's favorite chair, eagerly awaiting her return.
- 1967 - Canadian actress Carrie-Anne Moss is born into the Matrix, escapes, and dies in a sequel. (oops... sorry for the spoiler)
- 1976 - Operation Paul Bunyan at Panmunjeom, Korea. U.S. and South Korean troops completely deforest North Korea. North Korea counters with Operation Johnny Appleseed.
- 2005 - It is declared that the winner of this year Uncyclopedia's Official And Then A Bit National Long, Retarded Names Contest is floccinaucinihilipilification.
August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
- 100,000,000 B.C. - This is also a very long time ago, but not nearly as long ago.
- 500,000 B.C. - Language is invented. Later that day, watching a dude being eaten alive by a pack of hyenas, Ooguk the Bear Killer turns to his cousin and says, "That's gotta hurt". You see, this is ironic, because language is first used to communicate something obvious. As opposed to something of importance.
- 0 - Jesus is born. Jesus Christ, son of Joseph and Mary, and incarnation of God on this Earth, and not Jesus Pedro Buendia, migrant farm worker.
- 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
- 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
- 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
- 1940 - This year is 1940.
- 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium in WWII, some guy thought "This seems somehow familar."
- 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
- 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
- 1966 - Captain Obvious is born.
- 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers.
- 2001 - Like we didn't see it coming. What the fuck.
- 2003 - People realize that George W. Bush is an idiot.
- 2050 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable
Agest 23: Mizspeeeling Dá
- 1337 - Mispeelerz ariv in Inglend frum Russya.
- 0 AD/BC - Eye thinck evreethin izz speltt write heer
- 1691 - Emhliz iz inbentred.
- 1914 - A HoOL BUCHN UF n00bers IZ KIL3D At T3H WWW!1!
- 1700 - Mispeeelrz arriv n tha Untied Stapez frum Inglend
- 1866 - Prusha defeeded Ostreea in the Ostro-Prushun Woar, and dizolvd the Jermun Confedurashun.
- 1961 - AOL iz inbentred.
- 1973 - Fcuk cpatalizes on avnat grad mispsellrs.
- 1993 - Peter Cook abducted and killed by Space Otters
- 1994 - Selpl Chk is invented
- 1999 - Nustradumas's pradected yeer of tha ind uv tha wurld uv mispelllerz
- 2006 - World famous threadboard /b/ got AIDs.
- 2008 - Teh SpellCheck eez majde
- 2026 - ZOMG!! Wurld Supliz ov Dikchunarees Ar deztroid, rezerektin misspllin!!elevn
- End of time - weezall gon a dye!
August 24: Punch-a-Donkey-for-Jesus Day, Gatesmas (United States), Lysdexiac Awarenses Weke Ends
- 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
- 1463 - Portuguese discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
- 1561 - Willem of Orange marries duchess Anna of Sherbert.
- 1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
- 1872 - George Bush arrested for poking badgers with spoons.
- 1898 - Earth discovered to have a caramel center.
- 1985 - Windows 95 is released.
- 1986 - Howard the Duck defeats Harry S. Truman in the WWF.
- 1996 - Anniversary of Windows 95: the first Gatesmas. Consumers celebrate by showering gifts on Bill Gates' house, including old fruit, bricks, dead cats and plastic explosives.
- 1988 - Einstein formulates his award-winning theorem time=money.
- 1991 - Top astro-economists determine that Einstein's theorem time=money cannot be reconciled with the recent developments in quantum economics.
- 1997 - Speaking in front of 600,000 people in Washington, D.C., Phil Collins proclaims that he doesn't care anymore.
- 2001 - Samuel L. Jackson punches a donkey so hard that jesus decides to induct him into heaven Samuel declines the offer because jesus refuses to let him bring his trademark "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.
August 25: Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 1385 - Pringles are invented.
- 1390 - Birth of Sir Sean Connery, Highlander.
- 1456 - Nostradamus said "a man who loves all other men will one day say "yet each man kiss the thing he loves"". It is thought to be pointing Oscar Wilde till 1985.
- 1475 - Pringles proven to not be so good that when you pop, you can't stop.
- 1476 - Pringles try to take over the world, but failed on due to having lack of militry power.
- 1480 - After failing on 1476, Pringles declared itself as a religious leader and started the movement known as Pringlism.
- 1835 - The New York Moon prints an article claiming that life has been discovered on the Sun, thus perpetrating the Great Sun Hoax.
- 1918 - Leonard Bernstein is born a second time.
- 1985 - Elton John completes one of his sentences with "...yet each man kiss the thing he loves". Nostradamus interpreters apologized.
- 1988 - In the single greatest scandal in Oscar Wilde quote history, Bill Cosby fabricates a record 2,994 spurious Oscar Wilde quotes. He comes up short of his goal of 3,000 when it is discovered that he stumbled upon six real ones previously undiscovered by scientists.
- 1992 - 1942 is invented, then thrown out for being to racist.
- 1993 - The "Sour Cream and Onion Pringlians" are killed in Waco Texas during an assault by "Baked Lays".
- 2005 - "Numerous spurious Oscar Wilde quotes appear throughout the Uncyclopedia." ~ Oscar Wilde on Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 9876 - School final closes.
August 26: Creationism Vs. Evolution Annual Boxing Match/International Ameobic Birthday/The day before the day after Tomorrow
- 200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - God Creates existence. By creating existence, and simultaniously existing before existance, He created a paradox that came alive and tore a hole in the universe. Out of that hole, several thousand extremely surprised roadside diner waitresses named "Tiff" floated and suddenly (and not that surprisingly) died of asphyxiation.
- 12,032 BC - Wheel was invented by Sally and Bill Thompson from Scunthorpe UK.
- 1303 - Ala ud din Khilji won Chittor. It was behind door number 3.
- 1362 - Nothing happened. At all.
- 1567 - A great feast held by Duke Crisco The Lard is held at his home in Edinburgh. The resulting mass cannibalism is atributed to the duke's great hunger for "Scots"
- 1963 - August 26th is designated the official birthday of all ameobas by their UN Representative.
- 1971 - The discovery that God created Evolution makes scientists and theologians come together in a peace pact signed by the seventh incartion of Charles Darwin (a slightly confused Chimpanzee named BoBo) and the Mecha-Pope (a blue 1965 oldsmobile named Oldsmobile Model #32415 Serial:45563901).
- 1980 - The peace pact ends when Jerry Falwell decides to test everyone's faith by defying logic, saying that the entire universe was created in a 7 24 hour day period.
- 1981 - The right wing nutjobs abandon science and logic to be creationists, while the [[left wing liberal sissies abandon all hope of spiritual salvation and Heaven to be evolutionists.
- 1990 - At a creation/evolution debate, creationists kick the evolutionist's asses when they use the argument: Where did the ball that started the big bang come from?
- 1997 - God seeing all the confusion between the creationists and evolutionists reacts to it by doing absolutely nothing.
- 2008 - Another poorly written comedy article that nobody will ever read appears on uncyclopedia.
- 2025 - A pastor begins to question creationism.
- 2040 - After 60 years of pointless debates from 2 sides which both have truth, creationists and evolutionists come together once again and finally agree that God created evolution. There is now peace on earth and everyone lives happily ever after :-)
August 27: The Day After Tomorrow
- 1793 - French counter-revolution. Corian becomes the counter du jour.
- 1883 - Krakatoa explodes, hurling pumice, rubber ducks, loofahs and other bathing accessories over 150 miles.
- 1928 - The Kellogg-Post Pact, renouncing oatmeal as an instrument of foreign policy, was signed by 60 cereal companies.
- 2002 - Armageddon
- 2002.5 - Armageddon Nervous
- 2003 - Armageddon Outta Here
- 2 minutes later - Chuck Norris remembers to close the door of his fridge.
- 2006 - Today is really August 29th.
- 2007 - Today is the day before tomorrow.
- 2009 - Scientists proved the real reason of global warming is increasing group sex rate of eskimos.
- 2101 - All your base are belong to us.
August 28: International Horniness Day.
- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1542 - Sion Corn Discovers horny milk in West Wales,UK. Burned at Stake for Heresy.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day
- 328,987 BC - at 4:02pm Goats Evolve from Dolphins.
- 240v AC- Electricity became the new fad in tribes.
- 33 AD - St. John of Patmos has a wet dream.
- 1189 - Ban Kulin wrote The Charter of Kulin, which was later banned.
- 1490-something - Chet Columbus lands in Ohio.
- 1862 - Second Battle of Bull Run. This time, Bruce Willis is brought in as lead actor in an effort to stimulate box office sales.
- 1924 - The cheeseburger is invented in Cheeseburg, California
- 1927 - Helen Keller is born but doesn't even notice the difference.
- 1942 - In response to World War II, ham is invented. Winston Churchill proclaims it "One small step for man, one giant leap for breakfast".
- 1942 - Famed restaurant the Grease Hut opens it doors for the first time, collectivly clogging arteries across the nation.
- 1956 - In a remote corner of Canada, nothing happens.
- 1972 - Pringles, the first tessellating potato snack, are invented in Leicester by mathematician Dr Julius Pringle in order to save storage space in his tiny kitchen.
- 1991 - Chris O'Connor, the smallest premature baby ever to live (14 oz.), born. Now a singer, songwriter, and cellist. And beast.
- 1999 - The War of 1812 is fought by several confused historians. Albert Einstein is the special guest referee. Soundtrack available from Arista. Shown worldwide on Pay-Per-View. Presented by Snickers. "Hungry? Why Wait?"
- 2005 - The Gulf Coast experiences light rainshowers and a moderate breeze.
- 2006 - The Antichrist comes, wearing a miniskirt.
- 2008 - Julia and Alan's motherfuckin one year anniversa