Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/December
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December 1: Sherlock Holmes Day
- 1531 - First slave ship carrying White people crashed off the coast of Mali.
- 1887 - Sherlock Holmes appears for the first time in a dazzling sheer white silk tafetta evening gown, creating an instant sensation throughout the Victorian world.
- 1889 - Holmes appears again, this time in a pink lace teddy, during a "pre-release" trade-show demonstration of the latest features of Windows Vista.
- 1891 - Holmes is killed by Professor Moriarty.
- 1892 - IN soviet Russia Popular demands YOU
- 1894 - Holmes is back by popular demand.
- 1897 - Holmes disappears over Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, only to reappear three years later on the northern shoals of Lake Lugano as a giant squid.
- 1935 - First known accusation of pedophilia made against Woody Allen when he is caught staring at hot Asian infant in next crib.
- 1981 - Britney Spears is conceived.
- 1988 - Geddy Lee ate breakfast.
- 1995 - School of the year survey results stolen. Sherlock Holmes investigates. His response:"Elementary, my dear Watson."
- 2000 - United States of America replaced with exact replica. No one notices, except for rest of world.
- 2001 - The Sherlock Holmes cartoon sweeps the nation of United Kingdom, hundreds die when bad dubbing and flashing-far-from-this-future lights caused people to bleed from their ears.
- 2006 - Satan returns to earth.
- 2006 - 09:30 Satan gets mugged in Compton.
- 2006 - 10:00 Satan goes back to hell, deciding it's safer.
- 2007 - India becomes the superpower.
- 2020 - Super Mario dies while trying to slide down a pipe.
December 2: International Boring Nordic Culture Heritage Day
- 6000 BC - Mankind born from the toil of an ice giant melting to the ocean. At least that's what Viking creationists say.
- 432 - Thor gets arrested in Valhalla after being accused of destroying an orphanage while Drunk Chariot Driving. Embarrassed, the Nordic people begin converting to Christianity.
- 793 - Vikings visit Lindisfarne Abbey in Northern England, bringing home a suspicious amount of souvenirs.
- 900 - Erik the Red, a Viking explorer and real estate agent, discovers a big block of ice, utterly unsuitable for human life. He gives it the name 'Greenland' to attract customers.
- 957 - A third Denmarks population dies victim of the mysterious axe in the head plague.
- 966 - Vikings reach Constantinople, bringing home alabaster chess sets and cheap carpets as souvenirs.
- 1000 - Explorer and murderer Leif Erikson discovers America, but realizes his mistake in time and lets Columbus and Vespucci have all the blame.
- 1429 - Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, decides not to be, and disappeares immediately.
- 1755 - Danish pastries are first introduced to non-Danes.
- 1859 - Hans Christian Andersen writes The Emperor Is A Nudist, a beloved fairy tale.
- 1916 - Europe at war. Swedes have an excellent game of bridge.
- 1940 - Europe at war again. Swedes read a lot of good books.
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December 4: e-nternashonal Badt Ingrish Daiye
- 1999 BC - l337 5p3ak 15 kr34t3d
- 39 - Al-Gorirra e-nvants da eenterned
- 50 - ikzackly 21 yeers efter Al-Gorira eenvintid zum eenterned, sumwon joopt NickedSrev, und das stratted der ifNet vvs. IRC|IRACnet. Menny moad 'em daee in da bat-less.
- 1697 - Breetneyish proofessoor koyn fraze : "De raheen een Spaheen stais maheenley ahn tha plaheen."
- 1776 - Da You-S de-feat Ingrand een Teh Wor off Eendie pen dance
- 1918 - Wootroow Weelsoon, taht vas zum presidant zum der Ooonitid Steeeets, goeing tu Verseis en sa-id sheep too speek off piss toks vith teh kontrees, hoo fuight en WWW1.
- 1951 - Generel Mcarther deliverz hees "Oold Soldjers neffer dye, dey jaast faid aweigh" speajh tew Kongress
- 1963 - Marteen Looter Keeing deeClaires "Wen wee lett fureedum rin', wen wee ledt eet rin' fum evrie veeleij adn evrie hams, fum evrie steit adn evrie sitty, wes gots'ta bee eible t'spiid dauwn dat daiye wen oll uh Gutt's cheeldrun, bruthas doodes adn haunky menn, Jawas adn Gentailles, Prostatetants adn Cat-o-holics, gots'ta bee babble t'joyn hans adn crapp inn de wo'ds uh de ould Nee grow spyrittual, "Phree utt lust! Raiyt owng! Phree utt lust! Raiyt owng! Dank Gutt All mitey, wii iz phree utt lazt! Raiyt Owng!"
- 1978 - Warld's ferst dees-eyeble porking spays creeaytedd.
- 1999 - Sum idyot furst zpealls "owned" vronglee ass "pwned"
- 2001 - Oustraleeuhlund beets Nu Z-lya ein Tset Circket.
- 2004 - Georgio Dubya Bousch got re-eelickted. Phool mii wans, schaim un mii... uh... ya won phool mii twies! No moore eeliction pour Bousch.
- 2006 - Und Jeebus sayd undo da poepple, "Whoom doo yoo tink eye am?", und da poepple repped, "You are the exhiological replication of our being, the vast immiturication of a higher homosapianism, the essence of zoology.", und Jeebuz sez, "Eh?"
- 2007 - en soviate ruzia gramarz badz youz!
December 5: International Day of Unusual Spam, International Tapeworm Awareness Day (TWAD)
- 1 - God created the universe at a 25% deal.
- 666 - Shiva tells the people of India that they will die if they do not enlarge their manhood and reproduce, thus becoming one of the largest populations. Vishnu and Brahma get a cheap thrill out of watching the sex.
- 785 - King Arthur's vision of the Holy Grail is accompanied by the words "Grail! This can be yours FREE!"
- 999 - Amid predictions of the Apocalypse, European peasants receive anonymous notes offering "hot deals on ultra-sexy self-flagellation gear."
- 1791 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart chokes on his dentures during a live performance and dies. Antonio Salieri frantically tries to dislodge them from Mozart's throat using his clarinet but only succeeds in driving them in farther. "I feel awful" he is quoted as saying.
- 1793 - Joseph Marie Jacquard is taught weaving by a super-intelligent tapeworm named Steve.
- 1929 - Baurhaus designs the new age spam only to have plans delayed by 60 years.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler's letter to Neville Chamberlain is headed "PEACE NOW 25% off!"
- 1983 - Andre the Giant beats The Green Giant, and therefore won a lifetime supply of Spam.
- 1984 - Feed The Welsh, Elasto-Pop's charity single, is released.
- 1987 - Oh crap, I have a math test today...
- 2003 - Bush declares war on spam after receiving excessive unbiblical porn in his inbox.
- 2004 - Britney Spears 100% Fully Clothed Pics spam email used.
- 2005 - Websites everywhere become littered with "Get Firefox" buttons.
- 2006 - Did you know everything has subliminal messages? EAT POPCORN!
December 6: International Day of the Jackal, Take Your Pants Off for Cancer Day (Utah, observed), Indifference Day (Finland)
- 1901 - Chicago woman gives birth to Walt Disney, who immediately sues her for copyright infringement.
- 1910 - The puzzle potato was nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder from Lester B. Pearson's flaxen wool-works store. The event was made into hit a movie starring Gary Coleman as Winona Ryder.
- 1967 - The word "pwned" finally reaches its expiration date, according to the recently-unearthed original packaging.
- 1968 - Despite hat, nobody stops using the word.
- 1969 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem (see:One Small Step) and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the Rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich". Some debate the legality of this play, questioning whether Armstrong was wearing his black mask under his space helmet, but Armstrong has silenced most of their criticisms through clever use of "Jinx!"
- 1975 - William Herbert explains Reimann symmetry in a quasi-formatic manifold to sea lions at a Dutch park.
December 7: Official Who The Hell Is Spartacus Day
- 73 BC - Romans (pictured) attempt to figure out who the hell Spartacus is.
- Little did they know that I'm Spartacus.
- No, I'm Spartacus!
- I'm Spartacus!
- No, I am!
- Hence the search...
- 1555 - The search for Spartacus continues.
- 1936 - Buddy Holly born in Texas; also known as "The Day That Will Live in Infancy".
- 1982 - Mr T (not pictured) claims in his autobiography "Pity the Fool" that he was Spartacus. Historians refute this claim.
- 1992 - David Chung is born exactly 50 years after "The Day That Will Live in Infamy".
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia becomes littered with Spartacus jokes.
- No, I become littered with Spartacus jokes!
- In Soviet Russia, Spartacus jokes get littered with you!
- 2006 - Would the real Spartacus please stand up? please stand up? please stand up?
- 2007 - Mr. T assassinated. Spartacus still alive???
- Yes, I am!
- 2008 - Spartacus is forgotten due to the lack of appearance in the flesh. Mr. T rolled over in his grave.
December 8: Llamas Against Chinese day
- 1000 BCE - A little Chinese Prince was holidaying in Tibet. Whilst he was innocently trying to feed a local Llama some grain it viciously bit him. And so began countless millenniums of conflict.
- 684 - Tibetan Llamas eat all the grass so that when the Mongolians tried to invade there was nothing for their horses to eat. First example of Llama scorched earth tactics.
- 751 - Chinese invade Tibet again. The Chinese strike a deal with the Llamas, they will have a singing competition and whoever wins gets sovereignty over Tibet. First instance of the Llama song, thousands of Chinese soldiers get nasty nips from vicious Llamas in their victory celebrations.
- 1231 - The Dalai Llama seduces Chinese king, but after they'd been going steady for a couple of months the Llama cheats on him with Kublai Khan. Chinese king calls the Llama a slut and finds a less attractive rebound girlfriend and cries himself to sleep for a month.
- 1567- The Dalai Llama tells all the other Central Asian leaders that the Chinese King is gay. This does not have the negative connotations that it does in the West so the Dalai Llama also said the King had sex with young boys.
- 1789 - Llama blah blah blah Tibet blah China. Blah blah blah China blah Llama. Llama breaks China's grandmother's hip and takes the last bit of Cheesecake.
- 1850 - Llama tells Hong Xiuquan that if he's sick of the buses running late he should start a revolution. So begins Taiping Rebellion.
- 1911 - Llama tells Sun Yat-sen and Yuan Shikai that the Chinese Emperor said that their mothers were terrible cooks.
- 1931 - Llama mentions to Emperor Hirohito that China is pretty shit and that he might as well go in and take over. Then he whispered quietly in the Emperor's ear that if any Japanese are looking for easy women Nanking is the place.
- 1950 - PRC takes over Tibet suffering many painful Llama bites.
- 2001 - In a secret coup d'etat the Llamas topple the Illuminati, the Skull and Bones Club and the Jews and assume de facto secret leadership of the world. And when China least expects it ... POW!!! Right in the kisser with a big Llama bite.
December 9: Captain Planet Memorial Day, and Corporate Web 2.0 Takeover Day
- 2303 BC - People do not celebrate that there's only 15 days until Christmas Eve, because Christmas was not invented by Hallmark yet...
- 6 BC - 6 AD - Jesus is born (nobody knows exactly when, the Bible does not mention), Christmas Zero is a success. Astrologers around the world rejoice.
- 1337 - Time for a plagarized, boring, cliched, 1337 reference! L0L!!1!ONE@
- 1946 - The Doctors' Trial (for crimes committed during episodes of Doctor Who), begins at the BBC.
- 1958 - The John Birch Society is founded to fight the perceived threat of certain types of trees.
- 1976 - The CIA fabricates much of the Western United States from Balsa wood and duct tape.
- 1984 - Miracle happens, thousands amazed.
- 1990 - Lieutenant Planet promoted to Captain. Cartoon capers ensue.
- 2000 - Miracle fails to happen, thousands amazed.
- 2005 - Yahoo! acquires del.icio.us, thousands amazed.
- 2006 - Google acquires Uncyclopedia in retaliation. Nobody cares.
December 10: Nobel Prize ceremony awards
- 1868 - The first traffic lights are installed outside the Houses of Parliament in London. No prizes are awarded, however, as they won't be invented until 33 years later.
- 1901 - The Nobel Prize for Having Died is awarded to Swedish chemist and industrialist Alfred Nobel, for having died on this day in 1896.
- 1936 - The Nobel Prize for Abdicating the Throne is awarded to Edward VIII, for being the only British monarch to voluntarily relinquish the throne.
- 1945 - Nobel Prize for Killing People is controversally awarded to Joseph Stalin, sparking a split in the Nobel committee between pro-gulag and pro-holocaust members.
- 1985 - The Generic Nobel Prize is awarded to the winner for great achievements in his specific field of excellence.
- 1986 - The Nobel Prize for annoying, unimaginative and repetitive self-referential humor with an inane and stupid ending that is awarded to the Nobel Prize for annoying, unimaginative and repetitive self-referential humor with an inane and stupid ending is awarded to the Nobel prize for annoying, unimaginative and repetitive self-referential humor with an inane and stupid ending. (insert inane and stupid ending here)
- 1987 - Nobel Prize for Chemistry is swallowed by an eel. Laureate Heidelberg Wimschurst is awarded tic-tac in its place.
- 1989 - The Nobel Prize in Procrastination is put off until next year.
- 1997 - Nobel Prize for Cynicism is awarded, yet again, to some guy who only won it because he is friends with the voting elite.
- 2004 - The Nobel Prize in Procrastination will be awarded soon. Really. Just give me five seconds, okay?
- 2005 - The Nobel Prize for Predictable Conservative Humour is awarded to those wacky Demoncrats who bumble around in congress, flip-flopping away, raising taxes and spending our hard-earned money while terrorists rape and murder our children.
- 2006 - Bruce Forsyth receives the Nobel Prize for Hosting Strictly Come Dancing. In a statement, he says: Proud to receive this award, to receive this award, proud.
- 1229 - Pope Stephen III deletes thirty-one days from the Gregorian calendar, during a Florentine siege of Rome that had prevented toiletries from entering the city.
- 1841 - Oscar Wilde imprisoned for practicing heterosexuality in England, a capital offense.
- 1941 - Germany and Italy celebrate for the first and last time "Let's Go To War With Russia Day." Italians and Germans regret this decision by 1945.
- 1953 - Trans-dimensional squirrels attempt a coup on the Kremlin but are driven back after the Soviets break wind in unison, creating a tear in the fabric of the universe into which the invaders are obliterated, nuts and all.
- 1983 - A passenger airlines goes Boom over the South China Sea. Only the pilots and hostesses survive after they are seen moments before the explosion floating in a rubber dingy thousands of miles below. Thankyou for flying Alitalia.
- 2005 - Face of Oscar Wilde is seen in a frozen pizza
December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US) Wooly Animal Molestation Day (UK)
- 2112112112112 B.C. Neil Peart tries his first snare drum and accidentally creates The Big Bang
- 1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
- 1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies - a French word for chocolates.
- 1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
- 1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
- 1901 - Not learning their lesson, the same minister, priest and rabbi walk into a bar, knocking thier heads. .
- 1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
- 1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
- 1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
- 1962 - Larry, a dog from Indiana, loses his nose when it is attacked by some drunk teenagers. Disgusted by his dog's hideous injury and not having enough money to pay a vet, the owner releases the injured dog into a forest on the other side of the state. After a few days of being fly-blown and delirous with pain, the dog begins to smell badly.
- 1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "Ghost Writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
- 1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
- 1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
- 1981 - AIDS is unleashed upon the world by the Jews.
- 1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needed the dough - which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
- 1992 - Marcus Waugh discovers that brown sticks are not the only things that can be described as "brown and sticky".
- 2002 - A man walks into a bar and says "Ow"
- 2004 - A clown is removed from a swing by hitting him in the face with an axe.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia is created.
- 2005 the Third - In Soviet Russia, unfunny jokes don't laugh at YOU.
December 13: International 'Suck On This...' Day, Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)
- 1732 - The Royal Opera House opens at Covent Garden, London. Screaming bitches heard from miles around, causes widespread riots.
- 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents Lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler invents oral sex and asks his enemies to blow him.
- 1941 - The French blow Adolf Hiter.
- 1942 - No people born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of "I don't feel like getting any ass today."
- 1992 - The smelly kid from down the street takes a bath and some of the odour subsides, but only some.
- 1992 - Someone actually ate my shorts.
- 2003 - Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein found hiding in a camel hole during Operation Bomb-The-Towel-Headed-Sand-Brigand, and captured.
- 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
- 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
- Today - Bob did drugs in the girls bathroom during 4th period
December 14: World Cliché Day.
- Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaced his patent for creating the English language.
- 1735 - Pie was discovered
- 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
- 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at Wal-Mart. Chaos ensues.
- 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
- 1992 - It was discovered that Bart Simpson ate my shorts.
- 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
- 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
- 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. Strike kills 250,000+ humans.
- 2004 Post it notes claimed another victim in Paris. Rioting ensues. The PostIt-note war began.
- Today - The first day of the rest of your life.
- Tomorrow - Another day.
- The Day After Tomorrow - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
- 2101 War was beginning...
December 15: International Bjork Day, Hooker Appreciation Day (Canada), Small Donga Day (USA Whites only), second attempt at end of the world (End of the world cult, New Mexico (Michael Travesser))
- 1200 BC - "Oh my god! I love those boots! Where did you get them? I have to get a pair!
- 0 - Nothingness.
- 1485 - The Renaissance man is created when Leonardo DaVinci gets pissed off at all those dammned deadlines set by everyone. Tell your local polymath to calm down, nobody wants another one of these things roaming the earth.
- 1942 - Capitalism claims responsibility for the murder of 12,000 children
- 1969 - In response to the San Francisco Exhibition Incident of 1969, the United Nations imposes a world-wide ban on suicide by pointless drivel, the only death penalty enforced by the UN.
- 1978 - Massive grease fire at the Grease Hut burns on for hours. The little boy who lives down the street falls into it and is incinerated, while the management feels just awful about it.
- 1993 - Scotland invades Europe, first use of Haggis Device. Mass confusion follows as Haggis Device powered by Kilt-Wearin' Mofo. Charlie Weatherby is born, lots of people scream in terror and commit suicide by chocolate.
- 1994 - Foundation of New Bjork City. Swedish chef goes Björk Björk Björk!.
- 2005 - Stan formed, ruled by Stan in the Empire of Stan.
- 2005 - Roughly estimated to be the founding of the Neo Illuminati. Due to temporal manipulation technology, the date could be off as much as 400 eons, 356 years, 11 months, 43 weeks, 3 days, 2 hours, 55 minutes, 34 seconds, and 2 picoseconds.
- 2006 - John Dies at the End
- 2007 - End of the world at midnight, New Mexico. Michael Travesser's cult commit mass suicide, probably, or something. he had sex with little girls and loads of married women, yet it's all about his sacrifice, isn't it.
December 16: Random Consonants Celebration Day
- 785 - The Knights of the Round Tablet go in search of the Holy Grail. They fail to exit the bottle, which is child-proofed.
- 1985 - South Africa ends its fan on interracial marriages. An air conditioner replaces it.
- 1985 - United Airlines Pilots go on trike for 29 days. Most are medically retired aftwards with back and leg injuries.
- 1986 - The fictional events in the unsuccessful video game Grand Theft Auto: Nice City take place.
- 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the Bir space station. Vodka manufacturers complain.
- 1986 - In Ukraine, one of the reactors at the Chernobyl unclear plant explodes. The reason for the explosion is not clear.
- 1986 - Nintendo releases The Legend of Welda. Oxy-acetyline equipment subsequently doubles in price.
- 1988 - Queen Elizabeth strips jockey Lester Piggott of his OME. With nowhere to live, Piggot goes to the media to ask for 'elp.
- 1988 - Antonio Gomes dos Santos stands lotionless in a Lisbon, Portugal shopping center for 15 hours, 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Eventually he goes to another shop and buys some skin creme.
- 1988 - Philip Morris bugs Kraft Foods for US$13.1 billion. Kraft tells them to get lost.
- 1990 - British gameshow Countdown launches Random Consonants Celebration Day.
- 1996 - Big Bird develops cancer while on the set. Hunters everywhere cry.
- 1998 - Big Bird passes away in peace. Three attend funeral, and there was a lovely barbeque reception afterward. All future episodes of Sesame Street© are safe, because they were all filmed in 1957.
- 2005 - Saddamn Hussaign is accused repeatedly of passing gas while in court. After each accusation he shouts back random profanities and makes several insults about the judge's family, his mother in particular.
- 2045 - The Germans are appreciated for the first time in 100 years for inventing the word 'Schifffahrt' meaning boat cruise.
December 17: International Talk like Jar-Jar Binks Day, Hairdresser Appreciation Day
- 1099 - God passes the Enforced Hair Styling Act.
- 1723 - Elton John is hatched in the basement of Benjamin Franklin after a failed attempt to clone a grue.
- 1862 - During the American Civil War, General Ulysses S. Grant issues General Order 11, expelling all hairdressers from Tennessee, Mississippi, and the coomonwealth Kentuckistan.
- 1899 - Norway invaded by evil molemen. Millions killed in two weeks of slaughter as the Molemen, under their leader Bert, systematically destroy all in their path. No-one notices.
- 1903 - Orville and Wilbur Wright open their first full-service hair salon, with two wash stations and a stand-alone dryer.
- 1939 - Hitler freaks out because he only has 8 days of Christmas shopping left.
- 1989 - Fox debuts the animated series The Simpsons, after the show's creators agree to cut the character Mar-Mar Dinks.
- 1999 - We-sa no give a crap 'bout de new alien in-a de Star-sa Wars movee. He-sa bom-bad crappee!
- 1999 1/2 - C3PO now has competition in the annoying Star Wars character department.
December 18: Page Protection App...pp...ree...shee...ate...tion...
- 1805 - I explode.
- 1952 - That Guy dies doing something of mild interest.
- 1965 - This Guy dies doing something boring.
- 1966 - That Guy comes back as a Zombie looking for revenge.
- 1967 - The townsfolk finally kill That Guy for good.
- 1967 - God kills the townsfolk with tornadoes and hamburgers.
- 1988 - I am born.
- 1990 - I am killed.
- 1991 - The usage of I is banned due to extreme plagerism.. and intelectual property rights..
- 1992 - Michael Stipe is found in the corner.
- 1993 - Michael Stipe is found in the spotlight.
- 1994 - Michael Stipe loses his religion.
- 1995 - Michael Stipe offers $500 for the safe return of his religion. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!
- 1999 - O.J. continues the hunt for Michael Stipe's religion.
- 2001 - Apple copyryghts letter I. Other letters to be substytuted yndefynytely. Mankynd becomes Welsh.
- 2005 - The Fox Bros. Network wrongly announces the death of Slappy Squirrel.
- 2045 - The Cows rise up against their human masters. McDonalds hit really hard.
- 2249 - Our bovine overlords are taken down by the chickens. McDonalds went out of business in 2046. KFC now hit hard.
- 2252 - Our fowl overlords are taken out by the cats.
- 2256 - The Great Catnip incident occurs, nearly wiping out the Earth.
- 3013 - God realises he made a big mistake with the earth, destroys.
December 19: You Want Some of THIS! Day (Detroit, MI), Beginning of Blueberry Harvest Season, Hitler steals my bike
- 1219 - Some Random Middle Aged Guy could've figured out that the year and day were the same (12/19/1219) but he was in the Middle Ages and thus was too busy jousting. Then the nigga he was joustling stole hisbike.
- 1939 - Hitler freaks out, realizing he only has six days left of Christmas shopping left. Then not one, but 6 Million niggas steal his bike and escape his
'hood.
- 1976 - Radical X was created by his mother in MS Paint. Then a nigga steals his bike.
- 2005 - National "Write the word 'gay' really long day" begins on spoof encyclopedia-related website. Then a Hitler steals his bike.
- 2006 - That Guy appears. Again. And he dies. The leader of the GOOAH is poisoned.
- 2017 - Mike Ditka saves the world from Vin Diesel anti-chavs. Then a nigga steals his bike.
- 2018 - Chuck Norris saves the world from Mike Ditka when the Roundhouse (London) kicks him in the foot. Whitney Houston gains intelligence and steals Chuck's bike.
- 2019 - Mr T destroys the world from Chuck Norris by hitting him so hard that Chuck becomes aware of all of his floors and saves his own life. Then Oprah comes and steals Mr. T's bike, which he stole from Whitney Houston, which she stole from Vin Disel, which he stole from a gay, which he stole from a nigga, which he stole from Radical X, which he stole from the Jews, which they stole from Hitler, which he stole from a random middle age guy.
- 1912 - Some Random Middle Aged Gentleman from Britain realises that the year and day were also the same, (19/12/1912) and commemorates his 693-yr old American ancestor by pillaging, drinking and regretting [it].
December 20: "Oh yeah?! You goin' down!" Day (New Jersey), Blueberry Harvest Season officially ends (you missed it)
- 1800 - Evidence comes to light that The Battle of Gillygillyossenfefferkatzenellenbogen-by-the-sea actually took place just outside Gillygillyossenfefferkatzenellenbogen-by-the-sea.
- 1803 - Napoleon annexes St.Louisiana, taking it over from the America. He defends it by making a pact with the unpredictable Llama Jesus, now proven to be very much alive and roaming the swamp around Florida.
- 1860 - South Carolina secedes from the United States, marking the official end of the Blueberry Harvest Festival (and also leading to the American Civil War).
- 1931 - Terrell Owens, Godzilla, Crazy Frog, Vanilla Ice, Millard Fillmore, and Vin Diesel form The Legion of Doom, and celebrate by stealing a nigga's bike.
- 1977 - Kitten Huffing deemed a breach of Human Rights.
- 1982 - American-Welsh War of 1982 begins in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
December 21: Personal Hygiene Day
- 678 BC - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
- 677 BC - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
- 631 BC - The War of 1812 ends.
- 477 BC - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
- 322 BC - Megalo-maniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil 'turns him on'.
- 10 BC - Roman emporer Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels were outlawed under pain of death.
- 1500 - Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
- 1939 Hitler invades France. After realising he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia
- 1967 The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
- 1979 Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The rising of Darth Leia comes to theaters
- 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
- 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from John Greeves, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
- 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
- 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
- 2005 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
- 2006 - Personal hygiene forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the french quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic. Celebratory riots last into the new year
- 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The Government promptly forces everone to brush their tongues.
- 2012 - God can't think of a good enough way to end the world, so it's delayed until further notice.
December 22: Female Awareness Day, International Orgasm Day
- 6000 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
- 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
- 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
- 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
- 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of solar proprtions ensues.
- 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
- 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
- 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisngly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
- 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
- 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
- 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
- 2006 - World peace declared.
- 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
- 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
- 1000 BC - Santa Claus invents Festivus - "a holiday for the rest of us"
- 56-58 AD - St. Paul, ever in the spirit of Festivus, bitches about the Thessalonians in his monumental Third Epistle to the Thessalonians.
- 1817 - Satan receives a Batman tie for Festivus.
- 1818 - Satan declares giving presents at Festivus to be pagan
- 1823 - The poem A Visit from St. Festivus is first published.
- 1888 - Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cuts off his left ear and gives it to a prostitute, much to her distress (mainly because all she'd gotten him was a tie).
- 1938 - Immigrants from the Old Country bring over the Festivus Pole to America.
- 1954 - The first successful organ transplant is performed (following the success of the first piano transplant, the previous year).
- 1997 - Festivus is parodied on Seinfeld
- 2006 - The son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Macaroni, is born.
- 2007 - You and Your mom duke it out in the Feats of Strength. Your Mom promptly beats your ass.
- 2009 - John Kerry re-invents the internet--claiming that Al Gore did a crappy job the first time.
- 2012 - The world is destroyed when Satan and God go at it in the Feats of Strength.
December 24: Crimbo Eve (Iraq), International Peas Day
- 1 - Some important guy is almost born.
- 1214 - Ye Olde Barter Shoppe in York offers first Christmas sale ever. However, it is marred by protests for using the word sale.
- 1632 - As if anything was going to happen in the 1600s.
- 1777 - Captain James Cook discovers a new island, which by an incredible coincidence happens to be named Christmas Island (what are the odds?).
- 1865 - Some Civil War veterans take the idea of a "White Christmas" a bit too far.
- 1895 - A man invents a new kind of poison. Somehow, neither him nor the poison were heard from again.
- 1914 - During the Christmas Truce, British and German soldiers take a break from killing each other, in order to celebrate Peace on Earth.
- 1929 - Hitler freaks out because he forgot to buy a Jewish friend a present, and then attempts to 'cover up' for it.
- 1934 - The boomerang declared the gayest invention ever. The joke being that it isn't straight. Hur-hur.
- 1968 - NASA fakes the first manned mission to orbit the Moon - Apollo 8.
- 1974 - God sends Cyclone Tracy to destroy most of Darwin, Australia for having the nerve to be named after that evolution guy.
- 1977 - The Goodies blow up the world
- 1984 - Santa Claus fulfills prophecy as he dies for the sins of mankind, to give man eternal presents
- 2012 - According to Aztec / Inca / anything-to-do-with-South-American mythology, we were due to instantly die a few days ago. The President is also attacked by a baboon.
December 25: Christianmus (Clark County) / Democratic People's Republic of Korea Day (Worldwide) / Santa Claus's birthday / Chrismukhah / Decemberween / Wintereenmas / Piss on a Harvard Student's Leg Day / The day we knew would come (Atheisists) / Inertiamas
- 3,850,000,000 BC - The First Organism is born
- 3,849,999,999 BC - The First Orga
nism is born - 90,000,000 BC - DinoJesus aka RaptorJesus is born
- 70,000,000 BC - Jesusaurus rex is born
- 0 - Some Assholes decide to make a day to sell a bunch of shit.
- 0.5 - Our Saviour, Chuck Norris, is born.
- 1 - God tells some dudes (Via Angel) to go to some city and wait for a child. The dudes do this (Both named Adam and Eve) and give birth to Bob Geldoff. God becomes irate and destroys the universe.
- 3 - The Jesus is born.
P.S. SOYLENT GREEN IS Muppets!LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS DPRK!!!! - 10 - Jesus grew up, and realised that he was the Messiah.
- 31 - The birth of Santa Claus.
- 1776 - George Washington crosses the Delaware to conduct a sneak attack on the British. The event is later immortalized in the first issue of Action Comics.
- 1776 - Tremendous backup on the Scudder Falls Bridge on I-95 going from Pennsylvania into New Jersey as George Washington's motorcade travels from last-minute gift-buying at the shopping malls of King of Prussia, near Valley Forge, to find a smoke-free restaurant in Trenton for their Christmas dinner.
- 1800 - Someone receives a pear tree for a Christmas gift from their true love. They are really pissed off, because they actually wanted an XBOX 360.
- 1856 - 1856 invented for living purposes.
- 1902 - Santa decides to go on holiday to Amsterdam.
- 1902 - Santa, whilst high, dresses in green and goes to Finland. Sadly, the colour catches on.
- 1916 - Whilst strolling through France on a crisp Christmas morning, the Brits have a quick game of footie against the Germans. However, this quickly transforms into a friendly game of rough and tumble. Over a million were killed.
- 1967 - Earth forgets what day it is.
- 1985 - Hindus celebrate Christmas.
- 1993 - Jews around the world decide to go to the movies.
- 1994 - Atheist children receive gifts.
- 1996 - Christmas is cancelled to mark the death of Screech from Saved by the Bell.
- 1998 - Last recorded bowel movement for Abe Vigoda.
- 2005 - George Bush officially renames Christmas as Bushmas to honour his war against grammar.
- 2006 - Meanwhile, in Finland, Santa still depicted in green. Rest of the world still confused.
- 2007 - Christmas songs banned following 2006 massacre by Genghis Khan, awoken by a song stuck on repeat.
- 2007 - Why the fuck are you on here on Christmas / Inertiamas? HAVE SEX!
- 2007 - santa claus deceides to miss your house cause you stole his icecream in second grade
- 2008 - Santa is jailed under the charges of kidnaping children and taking them to his groto. He is soon released with the help of Micheal Jackson's lawyers.
- 2009 - Christmas has been cancelled after Santa Claus filed for bankruptcy reasons for his filing are Mrs Claus racking up his credit cards pleasing her fetish for sex toys
- 2010 - Santa shoots redneck hick with his own gun in self-defence. He is arrested under the charges of trespassing, and sentenced to 5673 years of slave labour, after others complain about his trespassing.
- 2719 - Archaeologists discover that Christmas is actually the birthday of Satan. God disagrees and kills the archaeologists.
- 2720 - God is found guilty of murder. He proves that he does not exist to escape the charge. This makes atheisists happy. They rename the day 'The day we knew would come'
- 6325 - The second invasion of the Robotic Monkey-Fish Armada against The French comes to an end in Southern Africa after the discovery of the golden Papa Smurf statue, containing the lost pelvis of Richard Belzer.
- 7671 - Santa is released 12 years early for good behaviour.
- ???? - Observers are relieved that someone has at least performed a spelling and grammar check on this contemptible load of bad Santa Claus jokes.
December 26: Packaging Day/ Useless office memorandum day / The one day women poop. It smells like roses.
- The 3rd day of creation - God creates the useless memorandum
- 0 - Rudolph catches everlasting cold after night out, condemned to permanent red nose.
- 17 - Jesus recovers from a "wicked birthday hangover" and cleans up the house before his parents get home.
- 1991 - Knut is born.
- 2002 - Last recorded Vowel movement for God. In an indirect response to this anniversary, God decides to take out His frustration on His rich children every year after-wizard.
- 2003 - Devastating spongecake in Ham because they owned too many fairy cakes, and Bob makes them play.
- 2004 - Realising he has nothing to bitch about Bob Geldoff creates devastating Tsunami.
- 2004 - Devastating toffee in Southeast Asia because they owned too many fudges, and Bob makes them play.
- 2004 - The idea for Deal or No Deal created on Boxing Day after Noel Edmonds was trapped in a box, the producer of the show opening it and gasping, before thinking 'hey, why don't we do that with something valuable in the boxes?'
- 2005 - Devastating jam tarts in Central America because they owned too many biscuits, and Bob makes them play.
- 2006 - Devastating shelves falling over in Iceland because they owned too many products, and some hooligans tipped them over.
- 2007 - Mars destroyed during the War of the Worlds, because there were too many martians and God ran out of ways to make them pay, but the bacteria killed them.
- 2008 - Mars destroyed bacause the Bible has no recorded evidence of Martians, and God makes it pay.
- 2009 - Devastating red hole wipes out universe, and God makes no two pay.
- 2010 - Devastating white hole wipes out red hole, and God makes no one pay.
- 2011 - Devastating white hole wipes out God, leaving no one to make no one pay.
- 6325 - Despite the discovery of the lost pelvis of Richard Belzer, our world still sucks.
December 27: National Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina, International Last Thursday of the Year Day
- 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
- 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler becomes frustrated when Germany's top scientists fail to invent the artificial vagina
- 1944 - Winston Churchill invents the artificial vagina and is hailed a hero. Hitler is crushed by this and committed suicide several months later
- 1945 - Josef Stalin invents Soviet artificial vagina, one hundred times younger, tighter, prettier and tastier than Churchill's. Long live Comrade Stalin! Long live the artificial vagina! Long live the Revolution! Long live the Workers, who can now wank with greater realism than the downtrodden hand-dependents of the Capitalist world! Down with Churchill! Down with Capitalism! Down with Marks and Spencers! Down with Facism! Down with Debenhams and Waitrose! Down with hands, tissues and vaseline!
- 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev condemns Stalin's Soviet artificial vagina, saying it screwed the lonely and single.
- 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
- 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members
- 1999 - Eye losht thie annyoual seplling be tanks two thie vord anywarsary.
- 2004 - Deciding that he does like Mondays, Chuck Norris kicks Bob Geldoff into tomorrow
- 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
- 2007 - Major cleanup after Boxes from Boxing day wipeout half the human population.
- 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
December 28: Penis Appreciation Day (Not Lesbos), Day of the Not-so-Innocents (Spain, Portugal, South America)
- 23 - Penis apreciation day invented by Jesus. Not realising his mate Judas and the entire roman army was less well hung he would regret it one day.
- 1963 - Paul Hindemith's pancreas explode, killing him a second time and 36 others a first time as he flew over Lakewurst, New Jersey. The music community rejoices once more.
- 2004 - Deciding they also liked Mondays superheroes planned a combined assault on Bob Geldoff. After an hour of the Hoff's singing and Mr T's pittying the devastating blow came when Darth Vader told Geldoff who his father was. This caused him to spontaneously combust all over Pauline Fowlers scowl.
- 2006 - Uncyclopedians lose count at the sheer number of anniversaries with Penises in them.
- 2007 - World economy goes into meltdown as penis appreciation day lasts until August 15th 2008. This only ends when lesbians attempt to seize control of the earth. Millions would die in the conflict
- 2009 - It is rumoured that Bob geldoff will return to fight the final battle between good and evil one day. The Vatican, the CIA and Micheal Stipe all deny this.
- 2072 - America elects its new Emperor, The Noid.
December 29: National "In Soviet Rus