Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July

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July 1: Dennis Rodman Appreciation Day (in Canada), Canada Day (in most other countries).

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At the Swiss premiere of Hancock, a local kid notices that Will Smith forgot his cheese mustache, and therefore calls him a "Jackass!"

July 2: Hancock Day (USA and Canada) Cheese Moustache Evening (Switzerland)

  • 12000BC - Lucifer gets bored singing hymns 24 hours a day and files a complaint
  • 139BC - Temperature reaches -43 degrees Kelvin, considered by many people (including Professor X) to be 'pretty damn cold'.
  • 1442 - Cheese is invented to cover he wounds caused by shaving the upper-lip with a sword.
  • 1561 - Meanass, Emperor of Ethiopia defeats a revolt in Emfraz. This completely frazzles the Ems.
  • 1566 - Nostradamus, French astrologer, dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
  • 1579 - Moustaches become the most popular dish in Italy until these days.
  • 1600 - The vegetable broccoli which god filled with plaster explode and the spores cause everyone to grow mustaches.
  • 1900 - Led Zeppelin gives first concert near Friedrichshafen, Germany.
  • 1947 - A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
  • 1967 - Some people were born and some people died.
  • 1969 - Aliens in Mars understood that they are more stupid then any civilization in the whole galaxy.
  • 1985 - Battle of Little Bighorn ends; Communazis totally owned by Allies
  • 1991 - Exactly the same happens on this day as in November 2nd 1687.
  • 1996 - Aliens attack world, hitting New York, LA, DC, everywhere else. Bill Pullman, Will Smith survive.
  • 2006 - A new television station, Boredom Live, is launched, but Channel 4 buys it out within the first 10 seconds for a reported £70,000,000.
  • 2006 - George Bush combines the Dakotas to make Dakota.
  • 2008 - Will Smith attends the Swiss premiere of Hancock in honor of Hancock Day, but forgets about the other holiday. A local kid notices Will's lack of cheese mustache and calls him a "Jackass!" Smith says to the kid, "Call me a jackass one more time." The kid does, and gets his ass thrown into space and back. (pictured)
  • 2010 - Dr. Phil complains to Oprah Winfrey that his cage is too small so Oprah puts him in his place.

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Industrial Strength Anal Lube
Industrial Strength Anal Lube

July 3: Put Your Dishes In The Washing Machine Day

  • 3964BC - Abel humuliates Cain so Cain throws a little rock at him. (the rock hitting him in between the eyes making him fall off the edge of the earth into hell)
  • 1754 - George Washington surrenders Fort Necessity to French forces. The French later abandoned it, finding the Fort full of small bars of soap.
  • 1776 - The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed.
  • 1868 - End of the Potato Famine in Ireland.
  • 1869 - Beginnig of a new wave, the Potato Feminine (by women who look like potatoes themselves) in Iceland
  • 1885 - "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precident.
  • 1894 - Child is killed by teacher for talking back. The teacher's action is considered acceptable
  • 1936 - Ganglord Howard the Duck is executed by electric chair in Texas.
  • 1969 - First man to wash his clothes in the dishwasher.
  • 1989 - I Can't Believe It's Not Anal Lube is created at DuPont laboratories.
  • 1996 - Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens.
  • 2006 - It transpires that washing machines live longer with catsup, and not Calgon.
  • 2007 - Child is given detention by teacher for talking back. Child files a 125,000 dollar lawsuit against teacher, and wins the case.

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July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)

  • 2000 BC - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice-cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
  • 993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg canonized. Unfortuantely, they used too much powder and he overshot the catch net.
  • 1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
  • 1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
  • 1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
  • 1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
  • 1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
  • 1997 - Will Smith Day becomes an official worldwide celebration.
  • 2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed his path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.

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July 5: X Day

  • 334 BC - Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
  • 1687 - Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
  • 1689 - After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
  • 1946 - The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
  • 1967 - The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
  • 1993 - A fucking ediot named Hessam was born
  • 1998 - Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
  • 1999 - Again, the aliens miss the due date.
  • 2000 - Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
  • 2001 - Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
  • 2002 - Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
  • 2003 - Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
  • 2004 - No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
  • 2005 - If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
  • 2005 - Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
  • 2006 - That's right, still no aliens.
  • 2006 - Zombies become extinct.
  • 2007 - Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
  • 2155 - Aliens almost turned up.But missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.

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July 6: Man Milk Day

  • 2300 BC - Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin.
  • 1609 - Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
  • 1732 - The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamploma, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals' Festival, undergoes Major overhaul. PETA established.
  • 1946 - George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America.
  • 1977 - Idiot deems day "Man Milk Day" and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid")
  • 1978 - Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
  • 1979 - Milk!
  • 1980 - Lemonade!
  • 1981 - Around the corner fudge is made!
  • 1982 - Early discoveries of Woman Milk are proved to be fake
  • 1986 - Mike Portnoy founded the band Dream Theater
  • 1988 - Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
  • 1996 - Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater
  • 2004 - Man Milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
  • 2006 - San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons
  • 2007 - Some Kid becomes the King of Fate, and uses his powers to kill random people in chat rooms in humiliating or gruesome ways. Michael Jackson dies from being teabagged by an old man.

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July 7: Misleading Hyperlink Day

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Tom wants to hang out in your cubicle today
Tom wants to hang out in your cubicle today

July 8: International "Take a Scientologist to Work!" Day

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July 9: International "Hug a Zombie" Day

  • 6000 B.C. - Mick Jagger invents the Zombie in his own image.
  • 0 B.C. - Egyptians first nationalize "Hug a Zombie" day when depressed Egyptian soldiers long buried rise from the grave and demand love.
  • 20 - As Jesus is being crucified he is quoted as saying "I get knocked down / But I get up again / You're never going to keep me down". This later became a hit classic by Jeus Ft The Disciples when indeed he did get up again the next day.
  • 31 - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead just to hug him
  • 1956 - Bill Clinton is the first democrat to hug a zombie, and accidentally break it in half at the same time.
  • 1957 - Al Gore opens up the first ever Zombie Daycare in Detroit, but claims that "Detroit was already a graveyard."
  • 1984 - Zombie Margaret Thatcher becomes the first zombie ever to hold public office in Britain
  • 1985 - A new age for Zombie kind is ushered in as they appear in a music video tribute to a decaying career, unfortunatly due to copy right laws we are unable to name the artist.
  • 1997 - Hillary Clinton claims it takes a village to raise a zombie child.
  • 2000 - Tipper Gore comes to the conclusion that it takes a necromancer to raise a zombie.
  • 1996 - S.T.A.R.S. kills some zombies or something. I haven't played the game.
  • 2006 - Microsoft decides to remove the "Undo" button from all its programmes, "for customers' convenience".
  • 2007 - Realizing their mistake in the previous year, Microsoft try to fix the problem, yet are unable to Undo the mistake due to the lack of a button enabling this process.view -

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July 10: The Day The Earth Stood Still And Had A Smoke

  • 6000 B.C. - As per the Bible, the Earth begins moving for the first time.
  • 1950 - The chemical klaatu barada nikto is found to enhance the absorption of nicotine.
  • 1951 - Earth stands still and lights up a Lucky Strike.
  • 1952 - Earth is offered a Marlboro, but still prefers Lucky Strike.
  • 1953 - Due to a cash incentive, the Earth smokes a Camel.
  • 1956 - Saturn tries to bum a cigarette off of Earth, but Earth lies and says he doesn't have one.
  • 1957 - Saturn says, "I just saw you open that pack. C'mon. Let me have one."
  • 1958 - Not caring about the akward situation it would create Earth refuses to let Saturn have a smoke.
  • 1964 - Earth asks Mercury for a light.
  • 1977 - Venus annoys Earth nagging about how she cant smoke in a public Solar system
  • 1993 - Captain Planet is found guilty of child molestation and is sentenced to death by lethal injection of sewage.
  • 1991 - Captain raccoon is born.
  • 2006.5 - Captain Obvious has a smoke. The predictable happens.
  • 2010 - John Lennon's line of cigarretes, Strawberry Walrus, are found to cure cancer. Sales plummet.

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July 11: Smell My Finger Dawn

  • 1972 - Mass hysteria in Fort Myers, Florida causes inhabitants to smell each others digits.
  • 1973 - "Smell my finger" becomes a holiday in Fort Myers, but only between the hours of 4am and 7:30am.
  • 1974 - Unwashed and tainted thumbs cause mass poisoning in parts of Florida.
  • 1975 - The Florida parliament passes a law decreeing the wearing of gloves during the Smelling Time.
  • 1980 - A prolonged legal battle begins between Fort Myers and Kentuckistan Fried Chicken when their "finger-lickin' good" marketing campaign interferes with official finger-smelling festivities in Fort Myers.
  • 1984 - User:Volt Born smelling of finger.
  • 1992 - The Beastie Boys release the song "Finger Lickin' Good" on their 1992 album Check Your Head in effort to commemorate the legal battle of Kentuckistan Friend Chicken Vs. Fort Myers.

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July 12: Pretending To Like Anal Sex Season Begins

  • 1946 - In an attempt to be more humane to those of the other camp, the first anal sex season is opened. Not everyone likes it.
  • 1947 - It still hurts.
  • 1948 - Vaseline is invented.
  • 1981 - Paris Hilton is born.
  • 1985 - Ronald Reagan declares to like anal sex to gain the simpathy of the liberal sector of San Francisco
  • 1986 - The Philippines is born in a small hospital just outside Reno, Nevada. The country was soon caught in a time-rift and sent billions of years into the past. Who'da thunk it?
  • 1988 - German boy band Ehnal Sechs are the last people to be hanged in the United Kingdom by Margaret Thatcher because of the infamous Section 28.
  • 1989 - Rocco Siffredi develops his Dangling Python manouver after several months of experimentation.
  • 1990 - Three pornstars die in a confusing accident involving a Dangling Python manouver that went wrong. "Oh, the vaseline!" exclaimed the camera man.
  • 1999 - Analube sales skyrocket.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush fucked us all.
  • 2004 - Harold And Kumar finally made it to White Castle.

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July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near A Sleeping Stranger Day

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July 14: Bastille Day in my pants, National Surrender Day in France

  • 1789 - The Bastille is stormed by peasants, ushering in a new era of French military defeats.
  • 1790 - The Bastille is rebuilt, this time out of stainless stille.
  • 1791 - The Bastille dies.
  • 1792 - The Bastille is buried in the Jean Pierre Cemetary, in Paris.
  • 1892 - On the centennial of its burial, the Bastille rises from the grave and attacks France. The French people's heightened sense of irony allows them to appreciate it greatly.
  • 1900 - Much confusion is caused when a mass surrender festival occurs in Paris, a one legged dwarf with no arms becomes ruler of France
  • 1910 - The one legged, no armed dwarf dies after being sat on by bino telephone directory, another mass surrender leads to the telephone directory becoming ruler of France.
  • 1911 - The Telephone directory is impeached after it is discovered to actually be a German in disguise, a further frenzy of surrenders leads to Marie Antoinnette becoming President of France, the first French person to hold the post for 3000 years.
  • 1913 - After the destruction of the French White Flag Factory, their national security level increased from "run" to "hide", the only two higher levels are "surrender" and "collaborate"
  • 1969 - The United States Treasury officially withdraws the 10,000, 5000, and 1000 dollar bills from circulation in order to decrease the average wage of counterfeiters.
  • 1985 - Nicolas Blanchet, a highly recognized engineer and policy-maker from the University of Pennsylvania, was born. Before Nicolas started his acadmeic studies at UPenn, he developed a stable modeling career, making him the first engineer/model of his kind.
  • 2002 - An assassin attempts to kill French President Jacques Chirac, but is dumbfounded when Chirac surrenders. The assassin's head subsequently explodes, leaving Chirac with only minor injuries.
  • 2007 - French weapons sale leads to headline of "2000 Guns for Sale, Never Used, Dropped Once".
  • 2112 - The elder race of men assumes control of all planets of the solar federation.

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July 15: Brother's Day
July 15: End of previous tire fire season
July 15: Start of new tire fire season

  • 1478 - International Letter Committee declares 1479 "'I' Conservation Year"
  • 1479 - nternatonal Letter Commttee declares 1480 "'O' Conservaton Year"
  • 1480 - nternatnal Letter Cmmttee declares 1481 "'N' Cnservatn Year"
  • 1481 - teratal Letter Cmmttee declares 1482 "'R' Cservat Year"
  • 1482 - teatal Lette Cmmttee declaes 1483 "'C' Csevat Yea"
  • 1483 - All International Letter Committee members assassinated, Б reinstated
  • 2007 - You read this Uncyclopedia entry and die seven days later.
  • 2008 - The first part of editing is completed on Drew Barrymore's new movie, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua." When the movie is eventually released three months later, it causes rioting around the globe and is eventually responsible for the death of Bob Barker.

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I'll describe this later
I'll describe this later

July 16: International Procrastination Day

  • 1571 - The round toit is scheduled for production.
  • 1905 - The first round toit is manufactured, but is found to lack a daisical.
  • 1953 - Manufacturing retools for a new round toit design.
  • 1957 - A real great Chevy got launched. 'ang on, the phone is ringing... Yeah! Yes! Right on! Dude! Sorry, gotta run. I'll finish this entry tomorrow. Promise!
  • 1975 - Something happened; I'll figure it out later.
  • 1976 - Add some reference to the previous two entries.
  • 1989 - ___________________ <--- remind me to put some Tom Cruise or Oprah joke here.
  • 1990 - Oh shit, we went too far ahead! Back in the time machine Mr. Bush, you're not president yet.
  • 1991 - Later, I'll
  • 1995 - I'll get to this one in a couple of minutes.
  • 1993 - Oh yeah! In this year, something really cool happened...oh, screw it.
  • 1997 - I'll fix the anniversaries after The Apprentice.
  • 1999 - BRB, bathroom.
  • 2002 - This San Andreas game is awesome.
  • 2004 - I'm sleepy, I'll finish tomorrow.
  • 2005 - Hey guess what! Eh, I'll tell you eventually.
  • 2007 - I've got a hilarious joke to put here...later.
  • 2008 - Israel, Hezbollah, economy, world food <--- remind me to elaborate these keywords later.. gotta catch The Dark Knight tomorrow.

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July 17: math

Typical garb for today's celebrations.
Typical garb for today's celebrations.
  • Formal celebration of International Procrastination Day
  • 999,999,999,999,999 bc - Nothing, God had yet to finish college
  • 42 bc - Some bunch of people called the Romans invent the gay
  • 457 AD - Nothing, Americaland had yet to even be marked on the map
  • 952 AD - German prophets believe that in a thousand years to the day,the second coming of christ will occur.
  • 1457 - France join the UN. The world rejoices in joy as a great country joins the Union of marked World Peace
  • 1458 - France fired from the UN
  • 1911 - Somebody called Bernard loses his job, finds that his wife left him, goes bankrupt and kills himself. The same day of the year had the population of the earth attention drawn the the monkey who threw an egg at Nicholas II
  • 1952 - David Hasselhoff born,Millions of Germans celebrate his birth.
  • 1987 - Hitler turned into a saint, oh, sorry, I meant satin, or was it saintin?

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July 18: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day

  • 216243 B.C. - Cthulhu is invented by Great Old Ones
  • circa 10000 B.C. - Ogg the Neanderthal invents the wheel.
  • 1453 B.C. - The flushing toilet is invented, 600 years before the invention of toilet paper. Pundits declare it "the invention of the century."
  • 1460 B.C. - The toilet seat is invented by a French dude.
  • 1450 B.C. - The hole in the toilet seat is invented by some Englishman in New York
  • 1 B.C. - Romans decide to use monotonically increasing years for their calendar.
  • 15 - Jesus Christ invents the lawnmower.
  • 25 - The lawn is invented by the Romans.
  • 33 - Romans crucify Jesus in order to solve copyright issues on lawn.
  • 64 - Fiddling While Rome Burns (pictured) is invented by Nero.
  • 1835 - Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
  • 1863 - Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman and others charge a Confederate fort in what is commonly agreed to be one of the most passionate scenes in cinema history.
  • 1887 - The window is invented. Previously, people watched the outside through strategically places wormholes that deflected reality towards the interior of the house.
  • 1898 - The wall is invented so windows have something to do.
  • 1917 - Russians shoot Nicholas II and then kick him around a bit, then shoot some more before having his head filed off and paraded around the streets for the local children in the neighbourhood to set on fire and beat with bamboo sticks. While that didn't actually happen, he was probably dismissed to Czar Heaven (A pub in England) the night before.
  • 1916 - Oscar Wilde invents his way out of a wet paper bag, much to his critics' chagrin.
  • 1925 - Adolf Hitler publishes his hit book, Mein Kampf, which is received not at all in the highest literary circles.
  • 1969 - Ted Kennedy decides to celebrate his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president by partying in Chappaquiddick.
  • 1971 - Hunter S. Thompson has a rather nasty trip. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day established in honor of this occasion.
  • 1987 - The window is reinvented, now with transparency.
  • 1987 - Jesus Hilary Christ reborn at a truck stop in Texas.
  • 1988 - Certain countries are destroyed to invent the sea.
  • 1992 - Bitter argument between Oscar Wilde and Steve Jobs regarding the use of an apple. Resulted in Jobs thumping Wilde over his calling him a fruit salad.
  • 1996 - The lamp is invented. The world instantly loves it.
  • 1997 - Jesus Hilary Christ dies of hypermorbid obesity in a Texas Burger King and the adjoining KFC. His body is disposed of with dynamite. Texas is disposed of with Burger King. America is mildly traumatised.
  • 1999 - Your mom is invented by Bill Gates as a beta Microsoft product.
  • 2005 - The invention of the sea is still pending.
  • 2006 - The invention of coolness was given to Chuck Norris
  • 2016 - Jupiter is invented.
  • 2017 - Man walks on Jupiter.
  • 2018 A.D. - Scientists discover Jupiter's Great Red Spot is malignant.

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July 19: Grab A Gay Half-Moment(USA)

  • 2623 - The year 2623 is warped backwards in time. Nobody understands how.
  • 1545 - The Tudor warship Mary Rose sinks off Portsmouth, after leaving the other dor ajar in a storm.
  • 1553 - Jean Grey (pictured) is replaced as Phoenix by Queen Mary, after holding that title for just nine days.
  • 1607 - Oscar Wilde creates Big Bang Comics from adult strips Horny Tales and Red Hot Comics
  • 1870 – France declares war on Chef Boyardee, starting the Franco-American War.
  • 1969 - Ice Age ends. The Icy Age begins.
  • 1973 BX (new calendar) - China sanctions the grabbing of gays as a form of bringing luck.
  • 1974 - China retracts gay-grabbing as Gang of Four realize that they are all gay. Artists forced to do the airplane for hours as punishment for homoerotic material concerning Mao Zedong.
  • 2001 Several people complain after having seen their family members eaten by vicious Murder Ducks, trained and supplied by CIA.
  • 2006 - In Snapple's slogan, "Made from the best stuff on Earth", it is discovered that the "stuff" is really old dog bits and Lemon scented Mr. Clean.
  • 2007 - Wikipedia grabs a gay moment with Uncyclopedia by confessing its love for Uncyclopedia.
  • 2102 - War was over.
  • 2390 - Scholars are still debating whether or not the events in 2007 made Wikipedia gay, considering neither Wikipedia nor Uncyclopedia have a gender.
  • 2391 - To make Wikipedia seem gay, Uncyclopedia announces itself to be a man. Soon after this announcement Uncyclopedia finally stamps out Oscar Wilde as the man with the highest number of female sex partners.
  • 2392 - Women Worldwide give birth to half webpage half human babies, and this day becomes known as, "The turning point in Uncyclopedia's worldwide dominance."
  • 2622 - Time Machines invented. History re-written. All the above possibly false.
  • 1345 - The year 1345 is warped forward in time. Nobody understands how.

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July 20: Window Licking Day (Scotland)

  • 2000 B.C. - Window Licking Day was born as Cavemouth Licking Day.
  • 1 - Jesus learned to walk.
  • 1270 - Baberaham Lincoln frees the peasents.
  • 1712 - Riot Day is proclaimed a national holiday in Great Britain.
  • 1873 - A peasant in a poor country licked a window and saw an image of the Virgin Mary. He then started eBay to sell it on the Interweb.
  • 1874-present - Once a year, every year, peasants in poor countries see an image of the Virgin Mary in a window after being licked on Window Licking Day, except for 1947, when the image was seen on a cinnamon bun.
  • 1969 - Louis Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear become the first men to do the moonwalk, when Apollo 11 splashes down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
  • 1974 - Turkeys invade Cyprus.
  • 2014 - An astronaut tries to celebrate this day by licking a window of a space shuttle .... from the outside.
  • 5678 - Eminem's disembodied head's latest album goes platinum. Ironically, for most of this year 90% of all people in the world are suffering with cases of "Falling Off Ears."
  • 5679 - English language shanty is reinvented shanty. The only shanty real difference is shanty the word shanty "Shanty" shanty appearing throughout sentences shanty.
  • 5793 - In the case of The State of Wisconsin v.s. Shanty, the English language is re-re-reverted back to its old form.
  • 5794 - Turkeys invade Uranus.
  • 3141592653... - The last digit of pi is found (it was a 5 all along). The universe begins to tear apart...

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July 21: National Fight Day (UK)

  • 200000000 B.C. - Dinosaurs celebrated Fight Day long before humans.
  • 1066 - Fight Day established by humans; "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
  • 1298 - Battle of Falskirt: Edward Longlegs, defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish dudes at poker.
  • 1403 - Battle of Shrewsbury: Some English blokes have a fight after the match.
  • 1568 - Battle of Remmington: Ferdinando del Franzo, Duke of Aldi eats Louis of Nassau.
  • 18:54 - Dinner is cooked.
  • 1861 - First Battle of Bull Run. The term 'Sequel' is soon invented.
  • 1969 - Neil Armstrong invents the moonwalk.
  • 2000 - Kim Possible appears nude in Playboy magazine, the show is then put on hiatus for two months.
  • 2004 - Battle of Romford: Many Chavs killed, especially after they turn on each other after consuming large amounts of stolen White Lightning and Stella Artois.
  • 2005 - Come on then! 'Oo fuckin' wants some of this, eh? EH?
  • 2006 - Tabbychan beats up Eminem and then hits him repeatedly over the head with her shovel.
  • 2006 - Joe proves his manliness by giving flowers to his one and only.
  • 2006 - Mass Murdering League points leader Jack the Ripper was disqualified and banned from the sport when the coach caught him digging up graves and claiming that he shot the people. This is said to be even more controversial than Barry Bonds's steroid use.
  • 2007 - Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight, says a statistitian, after completing a 30-year research program.
  • 2007 - The last Harry Potter book comes out. As expected, everyone dies.
  • 2008 - As of this date, you can officially talk about Fight Club.
  • 2009 - You and your mom get into a fight, and your mom promptly whoops your ass.
  • 2132 - Scotland officially announced as capital city of London, England. A fight ensues.
  • 2150 - When officials tell people worldwide to, "Chill out," a crazed anti chill extremist assassinates the official; hysteria breaks out.

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Always a concern on National Hysteria Day.
Always a concern on National Hysteria Day.

July 22: Oh, my God! It's National Hysteria Day, and you HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS!

  • 30,000 BC - First terrorist attack. Caveman declares orange alert status.
  • 1066 - King Harold inaugerates National Hysteria Day with his famous speech "Holy shit! It's the fucking Normans! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
  • 1492 - Columbus discovers America; starts hyperventilating.
  • 1587 - A second group of English settlers arrive on Roanoke Island off of North Carolina. They find the place EMPTY!! JEEZALMIGHTYMOSES!!! WTF????
  • 1855 - An brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
  • 1929 - Dozens of stockbrokers and bankers leap out of windows in a wild National Hysteria Day celebration.
  • 1950 - Ebay is opened to the public and filled with container ships
  • 1960 - A Nazi screams "Yahtzee!"
  • 1966 - Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies celebrates the nine hundredth anniversary of National Hysteria Day by running around in circles, screaming.
  • 1971 - WE CAN'T STOP HERE. THIS IS BAT COUNTRY.
  • 1986 - Copious amounts of vodka-induced PARTYING HARD causes several employees of the Chernobyl power plant to "TOTALLY F---ING PANIC" when the reactor can't handle the sound system. They take out a few control rods to compensate the drain on the power grid..
  • 1988 - An obese man goes to a lecture about keeping fit. After hearing that being obese can cause a heart-attack he screams OH MY F***ING GOD!!! and dies of a heart-attack.
  • 1990 - Media outlets report the outbreak of a deadly virus in the United States. Thirty-eight people die of panic attacks from the announcement, and two people are killed by the virus itself.
  • 1997 - Man is found to not have evolved from caveman, but from Elmo.
  • 2004 - Someone walks into an auditorium full of paranoiacs and yells "LOOK OUT HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" In a panic they all vote Republican and George W. Bush wins the election.
  • 2005 - In celebration of the day, citizens of the Free World are being asked to stop being alert, and be as alarmed as they goddamn like.
  • 2006 - TOTAL FUCKING HYSTERIA!!!

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A typical weapon used to promptly shoot someone with.
A typical weapon used to promptly shoot someone with.

July 23: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day

  • 1823: A pirate tries to touch Black Beard's booty. He is called a queen and is promptly shot.
  • 1903: Ford Motor Company shoots its first car.
  • 1920: Adam West gets a nipple transplant. He is promptly shot. Karl Marx becomes Adam West.
  • 1914: Archduke Franz Ferdinand goes to the street, he is promptly shot in the Balkans.
  • 1963: Kennedy goes for a walk but lastly chooses his car, he is promptly shot.
  • 1963: Lee Harvey Oswald goes for a walk, he is promptly shot.
  • 1965: Malcolm X shouts "nigger!" He is promptly shot and replaced by Malcolm XI.
  • Sometime in the 70s : Some guy grows a mullet and is promptly shot.
  • 1973: Bob Marley promptly shoots the sheriff, but he swears he didn't shoot the deputy.
  • 1997: Sum n00b mizpellzors promply sh0t. He is pwnt by gun.
  • 1998: A man opens an MS-DOS prompt, only to be promptly shot.
  • 2000: Uncyclopedia user petitions to get Uncyclopedia Anniversaries changed to "Unniversaries", is promptly shot.
  • 2000: Taco Bell customer in South Bend, IN tries to order a chicken taco with beef, is promptly shot.
  • 2001 subsection II: Accordion player found in bagpipe festival, he is promptly shot.
  • 2003: Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his hunting partner in the face. When asked if he was celebrating Promptly Shoot Everyone Day he said "What? Promptly Shoot Everyone Day? I'm getting me a sub-machine gun" and declares Promptly Shoot Everyone Year. He reduces US population by all the Democrats
  • 2004: Chuck Norris promptly shoots Dick Cheney, but uses no weapon. The world rejoices.
  • 2005: Jesus returns. He is promptly shot.
  • 2006: Snape promptly shoots Dumbledore.
  • 2006: I told you I would do it! But you didn't believe me, didja?
  • 2007: It is revealed that Dumbledore told Snape to shoot him. Snape is promptly shot.
  • 2007: A pornstar makes his nickname Promptly Shot, but isn't hired for some reason.
  • 2009: Former President Bush comes out of hiding, he thinks no one is angry at him anymore. He is promptly shot.
  • 2009: Epic Games comes out with a new game called, "Promptly Shot," Cliff Blezinsky is, well, promptly shot.
  • 2020: Harry Potter becomes teacher of magic at Hogwarts. He is promptly shot —— by Pope Benedict XVI.
  • 2090: Clay pigeon sighted over Kinderhook, NJ, is promptly shot.
  • 2102: Space Shuttle Discovery ready to launch well ahead of schedule, is promptly shot.
  • 2999: The Martians land on Earth to make peace and create a planetary alliance between both Mars and Earth, mutually benefiting one another for the centuries to come. They are promptly shot.
  • 3000: J.K. Rowling, now an immortal, writes the 50th Harry Potter Book. She is promptly shot.
  • 3001: Osama returns from his cryo in Iran. He is promptly shot.

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The infamous mug shot of the Kool-Aid Man. Heh-heh, "mug" shot.
The infamous mug shot of the Kool-Aid Man. Heh-heh, "mug" shot.

July 24: Murderous Rampage Day

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July 25: International Talk Like Yoda Day, it is.

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July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)

  • 3400 B.C. - Cave man punch woman. then laugh
  • 589 - King Arthur declares himself King of England after usingExcalibur to hit his woman
  • 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
  • 790 - The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
  • 810 - The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessive clean houses increases.
  • 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
  • 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
  • 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
  • 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
  • 1812 - The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
  • 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
  • 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
  • 1956 - Harry Belafonte impregnated by deadly black tarantula . Shari Belafonte born among bunch of bananas.
  • 1966 - Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights, Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of