Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/May
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May 1: National Whoopy-Doo It's May Day / Piss your boss off day
- Beginning of Time - May invented as 61 day long April deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
- First ever May 1: Outdoor fucking starts.
- 984 - Ethelred II, ever-unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
- 1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully invade Norway. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today WAS a good day to die.
- 1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
- 1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together.
- 1886 - Several syndicalist are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off?
- 1911 - People in some gay country dance around some gay pole.
- 1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
- 1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
- 1953 - Mary Hackenblower of Orangeville, Maryland brings cupcakes to school on her birthday.
- 1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the Coach Cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
- 1994 - Wile E. Coyote finally catches Road Runner. Coyote is grief-stricken, attempts suicide by falling off cliff and slowly plummeting ultimately striking ground in puff of smoke.
- 2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
- 2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
- 2002 - Jimmy Kensington is found out to still wet his bed, even though he's a Third-Grader.
- 2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George ran away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeded to spank them both.
- 2007 - Oliver Cromwell is found out for falsely reporting the deaths of Slappy Squirrel and Lola Bunny.
- 2008 - What the fuck?
- 2012 - Dogs deemed 'unfit for purpose' by God inc. Replaced by alligators.
- 2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own...Ah shit!
May 2: Leper Kissing Day in Romania, Throw live babies into the ocean day (Japan)
- 483 BC - Gautama Buddha dies, having finally achieved his lifetime best score on Pac-man. Only to have his score be beaten one minute later by God
- 20 AD - Jesus Kisses First Leper
- 1390 - Chaucer invents the toaster.
- 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
- 1856 - Carbon-dating shows that fire was actually invented by Google.
- 1876 - Behind schedule, the April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria.
- 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
- 1936 - God declares linear progression of time 'boring' and bans it. Confusing nonsense ensues.
- 1942 - Mick Jagger is born and immiediately finds he cant get no satisfaction, oh no no.
- 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered 'unfashionable' by United Nations.
- 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
- 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following the trade embargo imposed by the Council for Fresh Air.
- 2015 - Afghanistan wins the World Cup in Quidditch, beating the Robotic ghost pirates with 40-love.
- 2020 - Japan learns that babies are useless, so they are all thrown into the ocean.
- 2110 - No Japanese are left.
- 1997 - Armenians decide that monobrows are very very attractive.
May 3: World Fungal Infection Awareness Day
- 1242 - Jack Thompson rapes his first kitten.
- 1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica.
- 1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superceded by the Atkins Diet.
- 1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge.
- 1815 - Neapolitan War: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt.
- 1907 - Actress Sharon Stone develops fungal infection, the first of many.
- 1984 - Everybody's favourite Uncle is born.
- 1993 - No.
- 1994 - No.
- 1995 - Yes. JUST KIDDING!
- 2001 - The United States loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after ordering Burger King instead of McDonalds for lunch.
- 321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally did.
- 1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
- 1594 - Dwarf Hunting declared illegal in France.
- 1905 - Weebles wobble.
- 1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
- 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
- 1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
- 1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
- 1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
- 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
- 1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduced his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
- 1966 - Robin Cook appointed as Cheif Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
- 1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
- 1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The Director was later fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
- 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
- 1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
- 2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
- 2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
- 2007 - Queen Elizabeth prepares enjoy the Kentuckistan Derby by buying a beer bong.
- 2009 - Jimmy Carter creates the Anti-Weeble, which never gets up off the floor. This brings chaos to the Weeble-balance and the Weeble Wars begin.
May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico), No Pants Day (rest of the world)
- 264 BC - The Pubic Wars begin between Cartilage and Roam over a dispute over The Roamer King's pubic region.
- 1640 - King Charles Spaniel I of England disbands the Vertically-challenged Parliament.
- 1775 - Early draft of the Constitution of America is swallowed by elephant. The elephant will die of a bowel obstruction 23-days later.
- 1792 - Julius Caesar writes De Bello Gallico during the Great Time Travel War of 1871
- 1862 - Mexico defeats France in a drawn-out game of Risk.
- 1865 - First toy train robbery is committed in Ohio.
- 1893 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
- 1897 - Chuck Norris loses his virginity, several years before his father does.
- 1900 - Queen Victoria declares that the fish fork is henceforth the official favored piece cutlery of Great Britain.
- 1925 - Tennessee biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching electrocution in school; is forced to teach evolution instead.
- 1966 - Boog Powell bats his 7th of 33 home runs for that season, and celebrates by clubbing a toddler.
- 1973 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the first time.
- 1980 - Mary McCarthy proclaims that "everthing Lillian Hellman writes is a lie, including 'the' and 'and'."
- 1991 - A riot breaks out in the Mt. Pleasant section of Washington, DC. The city promptly renames the section Mt. Painintheass.
- 1993 - Keanu Reeves is arrested for masquerading as an actor.
- 2000 - Bill Clinton is in his last year as President. There is much rejoicing.
- 2006 - Your mom just shaved herself bald. Be afraid.
- 2007 - George W. Bush forces his whole office to observe No Pants Day.
- 2007 - France has elections. Ennui Wins by a Landslide.
May 6: No Pants Day (observed)
- 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, who quickly gets a new job at McDonald's.
- 1877 - Chief Crazy Horse of the Oglala Sioux tribe invents breakdancing.
- 1928- The Oxford English Dictionary is first published. Inclusion of the word Penis causes mass rioting and signals collapse of Victorian society.
- 1937 - Hindenburg Disaster occurs when the German airship attempts to limbo under a kitchen door.
- 1937 - German composer Paul Hindemith dies when he suddenly explodes over Lakewurst, New Jersey. Musicians and concertgoers around the world rejoice.
- 1938 - The one-year memorial of the Hindenburg Disaster is cancelled due to lack of interest.
- 1944 - Hitler has ingrowing moustache removed, leading to declaration of war on barbershops.
- 1946 - Douche bag production resumes; Women celebrate feeling dainty for first time since September, 1939.
- 1959 - June Cleaver announces: "Ward, I'm worried about my Beaver."
- 2004 - After nine years and 11 months of not being funny, "Friends" is finally taken of the air.
- 2005 - some idiot puts friends back on the air even though it still sucks
- 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
May 7: International Daintiness Day
- 558 - Justinian orders that Constantinople's name to be officially changed to Disneyland; Hagia Sophia is renamed Tea Cup ride.
- 1274 - In France the Second Council of Lyon ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2 - Pinocchios 37.
- 1337 - Jean-Claude Van Damme burned at the stake.
- 1559 - Queen Elizabeth I awakes to "feeling not so fresh".
- 1774 - The Revolution is televised. Finishes distant second in Nielsen ratings to reruns of That's My Torry.
- 1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
- 1840 - First steam powered douche bag introduced in Lowell, Massachusetts.
- 1888 - George Clinton elected president of USA.
- 1894 - Electric powered douche bag introduced; woman find its ease of use "Shockingly simple."
- 1951 - Last time a Werebadger was spotted in the wild, Romania.
- 1967 - Pope Paul designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. FABULOUS!
- 1968 - USA Weather: Summer of Love forecasted with a 50% chance for civil unrest.
- 1976 - The USA officially becomes the most greedy, polluting, self righteous, humorless, nation on earth, a record still held in 2007. God Bless Apple Pie!
- 2005 - Paris Hilton gets a pet monkey and trains it to kill. The rest is history...view -
May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)
- 1359 - Pantaloons invented, could shoes with pointy tips be far behind?
- 1865 - First nomination of Popeye the Sailorman for sainthood turned down by the Vatican.
- 1914 - Errors in year length calculations resulted in three months of 1913 being lived through all over again.
- 1919 - Warren G. Harding moistens finger before he fingers a page.
- 1924 - Holy 26th Crusade to Monterey, California is unsuccesful because of wrong navigation and ends up in Rio de Janeiro.
- 1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe. France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
- 1952 - DDT recommended as the next no-calorie sweetner.
- 1960 - Billy Graham Crusade Catastrophe: "Go into the fields Ruth; the rapers shall not molest you."
- 1968 - Some Hippie dude wear Lotus and Nepenthes in his hair.Other Hippies gone panic attack until they begin another Bong. (That Hippie dude disappeared mysteriously...into the cloud of ...yes! Bong.)
- 1979 - Punk dudes has obsessive chickens appreciation and begin to make their hair like them.
- 1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip / gold exchange rate endorsed by American government.
- 1983 First Miami Vice Pilot Trouble - 'Fluffer strike' stalls Original Pilot. (Later project abandoned - censoring removes whole story)
- 1984 - Minitrue approved BB. doubleplusgood hair.
- 1986 - Some Hair band dude wash his hair for the first time in his life and begin to write a song about fresh cool hair...later banned by "Parental music retard guide" for being Communism!?
- 1989 - Bay City Rollers: We're still mad for plaid!
- 1993 - JK. Rolling Stone write Hairy Potter...Readers assumed that it's all about Long-haired Hippie and his "Pot".
- 1998 - Millia Rage from Guilty Gear has been voted for "Having Scariest hair ever"
- 2001 - Emo dudes grow their hair long enough to cover their face...become fashioned they begin to whine that IT MUST BE FASHIONED...and cry...
May 9: International Bastards Day,Serbia and Ring Around the Bathtub Day, United States
- 2800 BC - Stonehenge stolen after someone leaves the back door unlocked overnight.
- 1010 - Vikings celebrate the surise by declaring the new day, May 9th!
- 1247 - Dark Ages Peasants harness the power of marijuana, beginning the era called "The Stoned Age".
- 1429 - Joan of Arc entertains the English troops with a medley of show-songs from Bedknobs & Broomsticks.
- 1431 - Joan of Arc entertains more English troops with another medley of songs. This time from "Deadknobs and Burning-sticks" as she is set alight
- 1627 - Edict passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling.
- 1671 - Pope Clement X is killed by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for the guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume. Bono is elected as the new pope soon afterwards.
- 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, to get the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
- 1949 - Abdication of the last Empress of China, Nang-Tse Sinatra.
- 1974 - Novelty plastic musical Bowel Movements introduced to Japan.
- 1989 - George W. Bush is abducted by alien invaders in an alternate universe
- 1991 - Small, Medium, and Large complain to the United Nations, that Extra Large is abusing its position. The UN introduce sanctions, however these are withdrawn when it becomes known that size does not matter.
- 2006 - MySpace suicides go up 50%
- 2007 - At 11:59:58 PM (GMT) May 9th pledges to arise again, one year hence!
May 10: Smoking Monkey Day, (Kenya)
- 1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the scooter.
- 1512 - The Male German Eruct Choir is founded by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero.
- 1865 - American Civil War: latest score 23-47, Confederates on 4th and 10, no time outs remaining.
- 1940 - Adolf Hitler sends the German Army to vacation in France and Belgium.
- 1972 - The Day the Earth stood still.
- 1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidently squashed by a hippo.
- 1994 - Eclipse of the Sun caused by Pamela Anderson over most of Norway.
- 1985 - Live Aid Concerts announced, starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
- 2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale spotted in IKEA.
- 2005 - Live 8 Concerts announced, Bush & Blair promise this time things will be different.
- 2006 - National Tiger Day in the USA
- 2006 - Africa officially on a diet, it's not hunger, see pop stars have saved the world !!
- 2007 - Pokemon Olive a pokemon game is supposed to come out. Buy that shit Nigga.
- 2008 - James Madison rises from the dead to reclaim his throne as the greatest person ever. (Other then Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris.
May 11: Printer Calibration Jubilee (Cupertino, California)
- 85879 BC - Yo momma became the first human to be fully evolved, or intellegently designed (whichever you prefer)
- 479 BC - Recto-Lube: The Brand You Love is founded in Ancient Greece.
- 1865 - Abraham Lincoln's corpse starts to stink really badly.
- 1956 - Gold Coast, a country in Africa, decides that they are Ghana, and become independent.
- 1983 - Scientists announce vaccine to protect against Pac-Man Fever.
- 1991 - AOL launches its internets service, charging $1.ooUS per week, take up is slow, as the majority of mankind had already guessed they are a hideous fraud.
- 1996 - Fox News goes on the air. Its first broadcast is a big production number of the Communist anthem The Internationale as they show how close the democrats are to the socialist party.
- 1998 - Nothing spectacular happens on May 11, 1998. Nothing else happens during that year, either.
- 2000 - Al Gore loses Survivor after the Supreme Court intervenes.
- 2002 - Al Gore invents Internet.
- 2008 - James Madison eats George Bush for breakfast, then promptly uses his spidy powers to escape
May 12: Barry Manilow Appreciation Day
- 1512 - Trees first discovered by Felix Gonzalez de Sanchez in Bilbao, Spain
- 1944 - Adolf Hitler decrees that the umlaut must occur over every ninth letter in writing, whether a vowel or consonant.
- 1957 - First Family Circus cartoon published in a underground New York porn magazine
- 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide.
- 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London, sold for 3 baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship casette tape
- 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is then made into a hit movie.
- 2004 - The zombie of Walter Cronkite rises from the ground to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pagent.
- 2008 - James Madison returns to the scene of the crime where he ate George Bush and verbally abuses the Queen of England while she was doing her daily pilates. The Queen was not amused, and she simply replied with "BYAAAAHHH!!!" James Madison responded by excreting George Bush onto the carpet.
May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)
- 28 - Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
- 29 - The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". There is much rejoicing.
- 402 - Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
- 1568 - The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom-fighters. There is much rejoicing.
- 1840 - Aliens land in South America again, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several decades too late. There is much rejoicing.
- 1846 - The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
- 1917 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
- 1958 - John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
- 1966 - A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
- 1968 - The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
- 1973 - Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
- 1992 - Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
- 2003 - Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
- 2002 - Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
- 2004 - May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
- 2005 - The god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
- 2008 - Dave Chappelle is sueing the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
- 2525 - I finally find my house keys. There is much rejoicing.
- 2840 - Humans prove that their Civilization-Location-Time estimation technology is better then the Aliens. There is much rejoicing.
- Circa 5600 - The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.
May 14: Fat Guys in Spandex Festival - San Francisco, California USA.
- 8975469 BC - Hard core sex is invented.
- 8875467 BC - The condom is invented.
- 468 BC - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
- 49 BC - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
- 1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the Musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
- 1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched.
- 1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my goddamned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
- 1981 - Demise of the IDA
- 2005 - Skynet founded by Marlon Brando, utilising power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
- 2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
- 2007 - Bill Gates hits Puberty.
- 2008 - George Bush's remains still have yet to be cleaned up. The country doesn't seem to mind.
- 2007-Women can vote...but nobody counts theirs.
- 2525-I Lost my keys again :(
May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa, patron saint of Polka
- 815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola discovered by Henry Cavendish. Stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
- 1265 - Crispin Glover knighted. Leads crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
- 1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
- 1512 - First Running of the Bulls held in el Chicago, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway trampled in his ringside seat.
- 1852 - Former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow Leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
- 1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
- 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate forming organization, decide to do it later.
- 1984 - The debate for the International Society of Procrastinators is postponed due to rain.
- 1991 - Some members of the International Society of Procrastinators plan to raise a complaint on the delay on forming organization.
- 1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking on criticize the Society.
- 2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
- 2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
- 2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
- 3045- Scientists discover LeBron James frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.
May 16: Independence Day (New South Wales)
- 1204 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley"
- 1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a Stately Homo.
- 1605 - Paul V becomes Presidentof the United States of Canada.
- 1770 - 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year old Mr. Potato-Head who later becomes king of Ireland. Two years later, the Potato Famine begins, as the new king refuses to allow people to grow and eat his cousins.
- 1866 - Monica Lewinski invents root beer.
- 1910 - The U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the next week.
- 2007 - President George W. Bush dies after choking on his mispronunciation of the word "nuclear".
- 2008 - The Queen of England is declared emo by James Madison in his new book, The Queen and I. Sales soar through the roof. Later that day, with a tear running down her face, the Queen runs a straightblade across her wrist, telling herself that "It's just a phase."
- A long, long time ago - The tyrranic reign of intergalactic emperor Palpatine came to an end in a galaxy far, far away.
- 2009 - Ross declares love to Stephanie Rae in front of millions.
- 3004 - The government finally decides to assist Hurricane Katrina victims, despite the fact that the actual event occured a thousand years ago.
May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog (Mongolia only)
- 0 - First Ninja Pirate born. He is easily confused with Jesus and ends up killing said Jesus and takes his place. He is worshipped in Christianity.
- 616 - Pope Eggs Benedict IV declares that Spain does not exist
- 927 - The fucking Vikings do something really nasty, they create Norway
- 1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play
- 1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I
- 1927 - Everybody gets depressed
- 1930 - First person ever born on this date.
- 1931 - First person to ever be born on this date is found dead of a heroin overdose. Everyone is sad.
- 1935 - Prozac is invented, entering the market under the auspicious title World War II
- 1982 - Pope Jean Paul II readmits Spain to existance, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry
- 1986 - Ronald Reagen weeps publically, after being called a 'nosey meddler' by Nicarauans. Sandinistas lead GLOBAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTION resulting with complete annihilation of life. God reported to be 'alcoholic and whore-mongering'.
- 2008 - With all the success of his book, James Madison takes a relaxing vacation in Purgatory. Where there was much rejoicing!
May 18: Eat Your Meat Day (India)
- 4829 BC - Oedipus Rex kills his mother and marries his father.
- 10 - Hannibal crosses the Alps and eats his enemies.
- 875 - The first SAT test is administered.
- 876 - The first SAT prep academy is founded.
- 1664 - The FBI is founded.
- 1810 - FWAAC is outlawed.
- 1910 - George Bush does not get any pudding
- 1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions. Time pauses for 5 hours and 23 minutes.
- 1972 - Marylin Manson is born. He cries.
- 1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall.
- 2006 - The Nike Revolution starts.
- 2007 - Veggies are outlawed.
- 2007 - Marylin Manson smiles, looks in the mirror and then cries again.
- 2940 - The first T-rex is spotted since Jurassic times.
May 19: Do What You Were Supposed To Do On May 18th Day (Procrastinators)
- A long, long time ago - Jedi Purge Day
- 1897 - "No longer is there such a thing as an imprisoned Oscar Wilde." -Oscar Wilde
- 1922 - The United States quota on immigration is repealed after Congress unanimously votes to force everyone on Earth to live in the United States.
- 1971 - The Soviet Union's space program releases Mars 2, the sequel to the hit planet Mars. Due to budget cutbacks, Mars 2 has four holes in its center, and appears to be two dimensional.
- 1997 - Chunnel declares civil war, dividing into North Chunnel and South Chunnel.
- 1999 - Jar Jar Binks's lead role in the movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace earns him much popularity.
- 2005 - Attempting to stay in business, the free encyclopedia Wikipedia sells advertisements using a bizarre method: for one hundred dollars, you can have every noun in any one sentence replaced with your product's name permanently.
- 2005 - Later that Pepsi-Cola: Attempting to parody Pepsi-Cola, the free Pepsi-Cola Pepsi-Cola sells Pepsi-Colas using a bizarre Pepsi-Cola: for one hundred Pepsi-Colas, Pepsi-Cola can have every Pepsi-Cola in any one Pepsi-Cola replaced with your Pepsi-Cola's Pepsi-Cola permanently.
- 200? - Whatever. I'll write this later.
May 20: Have a Vision of the Virgin Mary Day (South America and Spain)
- 370 - Saint Lucifer, a.k.a. the Devil, somehow gets made a saint, despite being the Devil and all that. God knows how that happened.
- 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
- 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
- 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
- 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
- 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends.
- 1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl.
- 1962 - James Drury is The Virgin, star of America's favorite TV western.
- 1971 - Responding to the Soviet Union's announcementof the day before the BBC start legal predings for copyright violation, claiming "Mars 2 is just a cheap knock off of Button Moon".
- 1987 - The Virgin Connie Swail sighted in a flock of sheep.
- 1988 - Night Court is cancelled. The suicide rate for shut-ins triples overnight.
- 1992 - International phenomenon Energy Goose is born, only to die tragically 3 miles before the runway, on which 2 young whippersnappers are wrestling over a beard, previously owned by Energy Goose, back in the Energyham Lincolngoose era.
- 1995 - Some Guy finally translates De Bello Gallico.
- 1999 - Sophia Capicola directs the The Virgin Suicides to the delight of spaced out club kids everywhere.
- 2004 - McCaulay Caulkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
- 2007 - Illegal aliens crossing the US/Mexico border see the Virgin Mary in the Bush Administration's new 10000 volt border fence; financed by Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie declares herself absolute ruler of what she dubs " New Mexico ".
May 21: Annual Fart Lighting Festival (Natchez, Mississippi)
- 1439 - First Antigravity machine perfected by William Caxton
- 1453 - Hundred Years' War finally ends. France win after a penalty shoot-out
- 2005 - The world record for the fewest number of events shown on the daily anniversary page is shattered when only three things ever happened on May 21. (Until now, that is.)
- 2006 - Paula Abdul, former judge on a now-defunct rigged talent show, reveals she is actually a man.
- 2006 - South Carolina breaks away from the mainland United States in the Nike Revolution, but then decides that being an independent nation isn't as cool as it seems.
- 2013 - Charles Lindbergh thinks about making the first trans-atlantic crossing by a deceased person in history, but is detered by the high price of aviation oil.
May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day
- 1888 - Start your own Reich day, in Germany
- 1976 - The death toll from an accident at yesterday's Annual Fart Lighting Festival in Natchez, Mississippi rises to 103.
- 1984 - (10:00 am) Soviet Forces invade Colorado, US lets them because nobody cares about Colorado.
- 1984 - (10:05 am) Soviet Forces return Colorado to American control and retreats after realizing there's nothing in Colorado. Again nobody cares.
- 1999 - First AOL cd sent back in time.
- 2001 - Clustered Bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience, first thing they see is Gigli, commit suicide.
- 2007 - Emeril Lagasi gives up on cooking, decides to become demolition expert.
May 23: Stoat Molesting Night
- 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time.
- 1000 - Madonna (pop star) is born from an egg layed by a horse.
- 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
- 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
- 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates humor.
- 1834 - The Force puts a DO NOT DISTURB sign on her door.
- 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
- 1924 - Swampmallows, a popular alternative to marshmallows, are hunted to extinction.
- 2000 - B.O. level in Otakon reaches intolerable levels, government issues airstrike.
- 2001 - TimeWarner merges with Canadian Canned Worms.
- 2002 - Canadian Canned Worms TimeWarner buys Microsoft.
- 2003 - Microsoft eats Canadian Canned Worms Timewarner from the inside. Bill Gates acquires superpowers and destroys building in a Katsuhiro Otomo style.
- 2004 - Chapulin Colorado single-handedly defeats Bill Gates.
- 2006 - Today is celebrated. Hurrah!
- 2006 - Ask Hal 9000 created.
- 2007 - Jesus decides to create the world-renouned World of Warcraft, a game that will live in infamy.
- 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.
- 2027 - iPod's take over the iWorld
- 12,000 BC - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
- 274 BC - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin.
- 137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
- 1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
- 1676 - The Simpsons stops being funny.
- 1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
- 1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Is cancelled.
- 1967 - A giant rat gives birth to Michael Bolton.
- 1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
- 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
- 2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is misteriously murded by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle" ~ Replies Rapper R Kelly
- 2005 - AOL frisbees become popular
- 2006 - 400th birthday of the pevlic thrust! Show us how it's done!
- 2007 - non huffable kitten the movie:god attacks! is released
- 2008 - Due to the hatrid of people who watch Grey's Anatomy Insted of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
- 2035 - TV show Lost renewed again. Critics complain about the lack of new content. The critics' critics complain about the same thing. 24 follows suit.
- 2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States. The first good decision ever made by a president.
May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)
- 14 BC - Leeroy Jenkins declares "At least I still have chicken."
- 2000 BC - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly with the goal of "Bringin' Chitterlings to all my Peeps!"
- 402 BC - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
- 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
- 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what was billed as the Spat in the Flat.
- 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
- 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which begins to take Europe by storm.
- 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world was posponed once again due to rain.
- 1955 - Hyenas take over french government.
- 1977 - God creates Funk.
- 1978 - And He saw it was goooooood.
- 1980 - Towels are rediscovered.
- 1982 - Pac Man fever kills 20 million americans in just a few weeks.
- 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potatoe from top one for a few weeks.
- 1993 - AB Logic are found guilty of crimes against music and are condemned to death by choking on artichokes
- 2001.5 - International "Hug a Goombie" Day founded
- 2002 - Mutant Goombie Children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials blamed.
- 2003 - First smart move made ever by a Government, Governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
- 2007 - Jerry Springer attacked by Trailer Park Midgets.
- 2039 - The Simpsons celebrates its 40th season on FOX. In the season premiere, Homer strangles Bart, Lisa is depressed, Maggie is still a god damn baby and Marge is dead from suicide.
May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day
- 1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing.
- 1958 - Yamahachi "Iron Chef Iron Shavings" Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
- 1963 - Unicorns are discovered in Portugal.
- 1963 - Unicorns are extinct in Portugal.
- 1973 - "Let's not celebrate this day" festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
- 1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. (Alaska follows suit in 1983.)
- 1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England.
- 1982 - Boy George is deposed in violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
- 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
- 1991 - Polyamory is invented by Seattle neo-pagans Milton Ingraham, Jeanne "FaeryeDustte" Whipple, and Björn "Umlauts" Stänskög.
- 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
- 2002 - Mars Odyssey ship finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
- 2003 - First Masked Avenger found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Law suits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
- 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of "Whip It !" that ranks #22 on the Billboard.
- 2019 - Mars Odyssey ship finds signs of rocks on the planet Neptune.
May 27:, National Homicide Day
- 1032 - In England, first "Knocke, Knocke: whoeth art there?" joke performed in public.
- 1703 - Tsar Peter the Great, retitled Tsar Peter the "Meh, Okay".
- 1895 - Oscar Wilde is sent to prison, then released when the hamster never pressed charges.
- 1927 - Researchers in America discover 8th colour of the rainbow; call it 'onion'.
- 1937 - J.R.R Tolkien commences work on the majestic 'The Matrix: Revolutions'.
- 1947 - Mexico Space Program launches first rocket powered by jumping beans.
- 1955 - J. Edgar Hoover wins the New York Marathon dressed in a tutu.
- 1963 - The Beatles kick Joseph Stalin out of the band. He quickly composes "Back in the USSR" as a mild revenge.
- 1969 - Hippies collect signatures to forbid showers. "They are so concentration camp" is their argument.
- 1974 - Jimi Hendrix makes love to his guitar on stage. He is promptly taken to a hospital where he dies of severe penis shredding.
- 1985 - Ronald Reagan sets a new high score for Pac-Man, humiliating former champion Mikhael Gorbachev.
- 1989 - Lenin is sighted in Nebraska.
- 2008 - Midsummer village now has NO MORE PEOPLE TO MURDER