Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/September
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September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts/ Kill a monkey for fun day
- 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
- 1982 - Lovers of Chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate Related Disease Increases.
- 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
- 1989 - Wendys begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly determined "too salty" and discontinued.
- 1990 - The single lightbulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
- 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era: The England Patriots at the The Dubai Colts (Attendance:111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all the American sports teams (not basketball) left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
- 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
- 1995 - You killed a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas then you laughed uncontrollably.
- 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five.
- 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
- 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the paperwork proving this got used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.
- 2007 - Halls are decked early this year to the dismay of masons everywhere.view -
September 2: Me Love You Long Time Day
- 2004 10:32 PM GMT -- Me start to love you.
- 2004 10:33 PM GMT -- Me stop lovin' you.
- 2004 10:34 PM GMT -- Me say, "OK, maybe I no love long time after all."
- 2005 10:35 AM GMT -- Me say, "I never really loved you to begin with."
September 3: National Get in my Pants Day (UK)
- 447 B.C. - The word “fabulous” is invented by Plato.
- 1916 - Eddie Stanky, American baseball player is born. One finger you shouldn't pull.
- 1773 - John Hancock hides in Samuel Adam's Pants. Later first signee on Declaration of Independence because he had the biggest cock.
- 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
- 1988 - Billy Ocean wants you to get outta his dreams, and into his pants, bitch.
- 1992 - Paris Hilton gets into her own pants, then mysteriously falls out of them. Repeatedly.
- 2004 - Saddam Hussein discovered hiding in a crabs-hole in someone's pants. He is caught, and promptly returned, dizzy, to his country. Citizens look away in shame.
- 2006 - Maine changes name to Mayne
September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day
- 30 - The Original Artists release album "20/20: The 20 Greatest hits from the 20's"
- 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
- 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out Lt. Radar O'Riley's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
- 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom lost weight.
- 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut.
- 1972 - Elvis gets a paper clip.
- 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives.
- 1980 - John Denver hits the snooze button.
- 1983 - Michael Jackson... (please insert your own obvious joke)
- 1984 - Pop star Prince has a second penis surgically attached. Millions think it is so he can go and fuck himself. Millions more just think he's a gimp.
- 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
- 1994 - An Ace Of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process takes 15 years to complete.
- 1996 - Pop star Prince(or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
- 1997 - Prince succesfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises "performance anxiety". Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
- 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
- 2006 - Steve Irwin is murdered by a stingray. Police say it was an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)
- 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
- 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
- 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD
- 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the chicken dance from chickens at a local farm.
- 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
- 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance.
- 1992 - Vacationing group of retirees attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
- 2006-First Annual International Day to talk like a 80's metal singer.
- 2007-In a bid to improve the Aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples.
September 6: Let's Enjoy A Glass Of Blue Lemonade Day
- 394 - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his Blue Lemonade.
- 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany as an excuse to send all of their black people away.
- 1976 - The lemon becomes exinct.
- 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes popular.
- 1982 - Blue Lemonade found to cause cancer
- 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does in actual fact cause tuburculosis not cancer.
- 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual propierty over Blue Lemonade. Third world Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business.
- 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade.
- 2006 - The Infamous Flying Horse, Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft and arsony of Blue Lemonade.
- 9785 - Blue lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past, in the form of an insane baby.view -
September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany)
- 10,000 B.C. - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
- 355 - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper died. No more usurping from that guy.
- 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire, South Dakota.
- 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, in which the Luftwaffe rains pastries down on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
- 1945 - Winston Churchill takes his first holiday after victory in Europe, Snow boarding in Palestine.
- 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
- 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants, finds more than he expected.
- 1988 - Clayton Allen born. International successs story.
- 1992 - Princess Anne was released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
- 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
- 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Micheal Jacksons bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
- 2005 - First documented usage of the term kvlt as fvck. Norway rejøices
September 8: International Precision Day
- Sometime Someone invents like counting or something.
- 1 BC, 2:05:32 PM: Counting is invented by a female human named Digits Counting, 1.745 meters tall, after 4 hours, 8 minutes and 16 seconds of thinking about the problem of shortening sales reports.
- 70 AD, 6:12:55 AM - 11:03:44 PM Roman legions under the command of Titus sack Jerusalem.
- 1930 - 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape, which sells better than Scotch transparent crayon.
- 1950: The world's first sit-on lawnmower goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1962: Segregation is repealed.
- 1986:
PluralsPlural banned in the Netherland (formerly known as the Netherlands).
September 9: Day of the Truffles Triffids
- 1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
- 1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
- 1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
- 1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
- 1405 - The world's first soda siphon goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that?
- 1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, glass saucer, and a glass eye.
- 1850 - California is admitted into the USA.
- 1944 - Bulgaria is
occupiedliberated by Soviet troops. - 1967 - The spork is invented.
- 1969 - No rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1976 - Mao Tse Tung passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
- 1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.view -
September 10: Kumquat Kicking Festival (Pakistan), International Hypocrisy Day
- Before Time BC - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, Nascar becomes marginally interesting.
- 541 BC - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy
- 540 BC - Hypocrisy condemned as immoral by Hypocrites
- 30 - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
- 1092 - Tap dancing invented.
- 1093 - Inventor of Tap Dancing shot in the head.
- 1640 - The world's first slide rule goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually he's got some fruit and Cuban cigars.
- 1897 - Lattimer Massacre - a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
- 1913 - First fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
- 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; German army takes the afternoon off.
- 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
- 1967 - Supreme Court hands down landmark decision in Pot v. Kettle which legalizes hypocrisy.
- 1982 - Following people are born: (2,394 James), (9887 Johns), (1 satayanarayan ranganathan rama appuswami ganapathy).
- 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
- 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
September 11: International Worst Inventions Ever Day
- c. 6000 BC - God invents Evil.
- 5999 BC - Evil invents smallpox.
- 5989 BC - Evil invents Jar-Jar.
- 5988 BC - Evil apologizes for Jar-Jar.
- 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus. Moments later, the paper cut is invented. Still some moments later, some pretty expressive swear words are invented.
- 33 - Judas invents the noose.
- 100 - Romans invent the wedgie to torment Christians.
- 911 - Nostradamus, having predicted 9/11, invents the telephone number 911.
- 1176 - Iron false teeth invented.
- 1628 - Glass false teeth invented.
- 1753 - An Oxford University student invents the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
- 1883 - Worst Invention of the Year is a toss-up between Islamic Fundamentalism (Middle East) and Christian Fundamentalism (United States).
- 1913 - External combustion engine invented.
- 1934 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky invents the helicopter ejection seat.
- 1939 - Inspired by an awful experience at summer camp, Hitler invents his own franchise of camps.
- 1945 - Morning After Pill not yet invented; George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush invent George W.
- 1961 - Invention of the mullet (pictured).
- 1972 - Construction of the Trans-Amazonian Highway.
- 1973 - The cubicle is invented.
- 1981 - Road rage invented.
- 1982 - Umbrella Rain Tube invented
- 1985 - Microsoft Windows.
- 1986 - Fox Network invented. Cancellation invented by Fox.
- 1987 - CD packaging invented.
- 1992 - Al Qaeda invented.
- 1999 - Windows ME is invented.
- 2000 - First Segway goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 2001 - Osama Bin Laden invents the world's first airplane/building hybrid
- 2001 - Osama Bin Laden attempts to crash an airliner into the Pentagon and "would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"
- 2001 - Giant Flying Molotov Cocktail invented. All your base are belong to us becomes reality.
- 2002 - Emo movement invented.
- 2002 - White House invents WMD.
- 2006 - Anti-Government Father spends day without turning on TV or Radio, insisting that he doesn't want to hear about what happened five years ago, but in truth, hasn't paid the electricity bill.
- 2007 - 'Unfortunately'(fortunately) the emos are wiped out due to 5 years of self harming.
September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day
- 14,000 BC - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
- 490 BC - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
- 22 - Museum of Ancient Geese opens
- 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
- 1683 - Battle of Vienna - Several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
- 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
- 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
- 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
- 1989 - The sexiest girl in the world was born.
- 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful Reunion
- 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
- 1997 - This was an actual year??
- 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
- 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
- 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.
- 2006 - End of the world according to The House of Yahweh, how could they know?!
- 2007 - End of the world according to The House of Yahweh, how could they know?!
- 2008 - End of the world according to The House of Yahweh, how could they know?!
- 2101 - War was beginning...
- 2320 - Young Jean-Luc Picard discovers the family wine cellar, and becomes extremely drunk. He wakes up the next morning in a bed with a hairy East German named Helga.
- 2335 - Picard does the Picard Techno which is then smuggled to the past and put on Youtube, to many Trekies delight.
- 2355 - Riker gets Picard a tie to show his appreciation. What a brown noser.
- 2356 - Picard tells Number 2 that it's gotten time to flush.
- 2356.4 - George Orwell issues a writ against Captain Picard for stealing material from his clip show "I love the 1984s", presented by Zoe Ball.
- 2356 - Captain Picard discovers that his sewing machine is broken, and tells engineering, "Make it sew!".
- 2358 -Picard orders a set of Halogen lights from Ikea, but discovers upon opening that while there are supposed to be five lights, there are only four.
- 2366 - Capitan Picard arrest and executes Han Solo under charges of spice smuggling
- 2596 - Planned rebellion against AI fails due to the fact that AI's supreme knowledge found out...
September 13: Secondary Bastille Day (France), Dress as a French Maid Day, New Jewish Year
- Some 5768 years ago - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke.
- 1753 - Mme Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1768 - The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the Postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme Bastille. According to historical records she made them a cup of tea and then undertake forced labour icing cakes for Louis XVI.
- 1787 - Mme Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand due to the peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
- 1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
- 1789.2 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
- 1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a pubic holiday throughout French occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
- 1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip.
- 1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was a Secondary Bastille.
- 1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
- 1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
- 1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
- 1999 - Lunar Bastille blown out of orbit by massive explosion at waste storage complex overloaded with cake, camembert cheese rinds, croissants, and taunted english kanigguts.
- 2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
- 2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
- 2007 - Craig Kuang, the infamously gay-sympathizer, dresses like a French maid. Frank Xu rejoices.
September 14: Grátúïtõùs Üsę öf Ðîåçrïtícãl Mârkš Dàý
- 1234 Duke of Umlaut invents the umlaut, becomes first Düke of Ümlaüt. He is later slain in a duel with Barón vön Accént Márk.
- 1814 - Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner. He later retitles it "The Stär Spänglèd Bäññër" to make it more rockin'.
- 1969 - Björk is björn in a lönely fjörd in Nörth Ïceláãnd.
- 1970 - The metal band Blue Öyster Cult is förmed.
- 1971 - It ís qûïťę a nićē day in Paris. Rioting énsueš.
- 1975 - The metal band Motörhead förms.
- 1981 - The metal band Ümlåüt forms.
- 1982 - Styx plăŷş "Mr. Roboto" for the first time. Pëóplè hate it. Al Gore then gets the ideä to enslave the robot populätion in a fjörd in Østlandet.
- 1983 - The metal bänd Gråtüïtöüs Díåcrïtícäl Märk forms
- 1985 - Hâägén-Dáãzs introduces their latest flavor: Döúblé Chérrÿ Crémë dé Chöcølãté Súprëmé. Riöting ensues.
- 1993 - Peter Cook is ässässinäted by space otters during a performance in the Royal Albert Hall.
- 2003 - In a referendum, Sweden rejects ädopting the Euro, unless it is renämed the Eüro.
- 2005 - The metäl band Thîs Rûnnîng Jøkê ïs Wêäríñg Öüt îtš Wëlcømê forms.
- 2535 - The Borg launch a war against the Björg, who are just like the Borg except they say everything in a Nörwegian accent.
- 2536 - Üñçŷçłöpęđįă.ćốm õffīĉįäłłŷ bêċømêş mőŕē ŗêľïåbŀē ťĥáŋ Ŵįķīpęďǐã.
Septumbor 15st: Internashonle Dey ov Mispeld Werdz
- 31 - Jeshush ammounshes choo de peepll ovv jee woorlg, "yesh lo henchs ittch ish shoo". Bujt onn accoont ovv jee fakt vatt itsh jee Dey ovv Mispeld Werdz, nobboojy nowsh whach hesh shayin.
- 1835 - Charuls Darwhen, onbored thuh HMS Beegul, reechiz thuh Gulapigose Eyelunds, ware he bugins tu divelup hiz thireze uv evulooshun. Az a joak, he olsow kumz up with Intelujunt Deezine, but he duzunt ekspekt ineewun tu akshulee fawl for it.
- 1972 - Schevin peepholess go fichsing of tha coust of n00b Jerbsy ind gut totaly pwned awn deir faises biy a bgass fich thingee anf shyt.
- 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
- 1915 - Gawd iz kylld in teh Bettle og Verdoon nad Teh Allyz chinces in teh Forrst Wurld Woor r thretend. Teh taink is oosed nad woorks as a sootable reeplacemont.
- 1987 - Jewhanna Herr wuz brn und beeecammmeee an weerdo inn GEORGIA. Shheee likkeeee Nov. 21.
- 1989 - Carissa Taylor Unbelleavabli Gootlukein Veemail Iz Bourne, ant iz lukki 2 vee wit Daniel Steiminger de wurldz mozd antsum man!
- 1989- original "Hogan Knows Best" writer Cole Wilson is born, and killed, 14 minutes after his birth.
- 1989- Jay Haszczyn the most greatest player for St Harmon ever is Born. WHAT A LEGEND!!
- 2006 - Meny artoocols on thsi dehy luuk soospicioosly lik tehy woor wrritten in Dootch.
September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day
- 1903 - While investigating the breakdown of a prototype airplane engine, Orville Wright exclaims "Mah bairns! Mah poor bairns..."
- 1912 - When urged by Captain Edward Smith to increase engine power to aviod an iceberg, the head engineer of the RMS Titanic replies, "I've giv'n her all she's got captain, an' I cannah give her no more."
- 1962 - After John F. Kennedy says "I am a doughnut" in German instead of "I am a Berliner", the mayor of West Berlin whispers to him, "Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that?"
- 1970 - While preparing for reentry after their journey back to Earth, Astronaut Jack Swigert informs mission pilot Jim Lovell "The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps."
- 1972 - After hilltopping and getting into general mayhem in Hazzard county with the General Lee, Uncle Jesse warns the Duke brothers that "She won't take much more of this."
- 1988 - Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev defeats President Ronald Reagan in a game of Pac-Man. Tension brews between the two nations as a result.
- 1988 - James 'JC' Cain is born. And there was much rejoicing. Casual riots break out in France in celebration. God invents Pluto to mark the occasion.
- 1993 - During the O. J. Simpson trial, Judge Ito declares, "This jury-rigging won't last for long, Captain."
- 2000 - Osama bin Laden tells Saddam Hussein about his plan to hijack planes, to which Hussein responds, "Are ye daft lad?!"
- 2005 - When asked by the United States to return its diplomats to the Six Nation Talks, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il replies, "Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank."
- 2256 - First instance of Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott promising something on an impossible schedule and managing to pull it off.
- 2257 - Tired of saying "Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott", William Shatner decides to start calling James Doohan "Scotty".
- 2258 - After binging on Romulan Ale, Scotty talks with an American accent until the Ale hangover wears off 24 hours later.
- 2258 - Starfleet starts a cover up of James Doohan's "Ale American Accent Incident"
September 17: Horny Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day
- 2,000,000 BC - Primate ancestor to humans steals the first peach. Thus inventing the awkward mixing of horniness and disturbing violence.
- 1,000,000 BC - First human discovers horniness.
- 1787 - Several horny old men sign the Constitution of the United Spades of Amerika
- 1800 - Sigmund Freud hypnotizes Freud into believing he is a French hooker. Unfortunately, she is an expensive one, and Sigmund Freud goes bankrupt.
- 1801 - Freud hypnotizes Sigmund Freud into believiing he is Marie Antoinette.
- 1802 - Sigmund Freud exacts his revenge by hypnotizing Freud into thinking he is Princess Leia.
- 1803 - Freud hypnotizes Sigmund Freud into believing he is a Swiss milk maid who has married him. Nine months later, Sigmund Freud inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
- 1804 - Sigmund Freud divorces Freud, and receives the entire estate in the settlement.
- 1900 - The world's 1,000,000,000,000th human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria
- 1932 - New state
phallic symbolscapitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana - 1954 - Drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony
- 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
- 1989 - Horny Gene discovered in Ducks
- 1993 - Debbie does Dallas, Ohio and New Orleans
- 2005 - Research shows that Uncyclopedians are more virile than Wikipedians
- 2006 - Osama bin Laden found in bed in a Motel 6 with a Horny Goat
September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God
- Infinity B.C.E. - God is born.
- 4000 B.C.E. - God receives the universe as a birthday present and breaks it six days later.
- 2500 K.F.C. - Israelites hold a birthday party for God, mistake him for a gold cow.
- 0 - God has His first child... with hilarious results!
- 1000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world, but cancels at the last minute.
- 1609 - Gordon Edgeway and George Bennett are fused together in a nuclear fusion reaction; the resulting matter is named Gordon Bennett.
- 1759 - Quebec City is stolen by a gang of monkeys. They are later discovered trying to sell it on a market stall in Hamburg and are sentenced to 15 hours of community service.
- 1873 - The Panic of 1873 begins.
- 1874 - The Drinking Binge of 1874 begins.
- 1875 - The Mother of all Headaches begins.
- 1997 - National referendum in Wales - an overwhelming majority (87.13%) vote yes on a motion to send out for pizza.
- 1998 - Jenna Jameson beats off stiff competition to take an Oscar for her part in 7-Up.
- 2000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world from Paris, but cancels at the last minute again. Rioting ensues.
- 2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha´s bathroom.
- 2025 - Lost ends, God is pleased.
September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day
- The Begining - The Great FSM creates all that is, including his chosen people, the Pirates.
- 1588 The Dread Pirate Wesley single handedly defeated the entire Spanish Armada in single combat.
- 1778 - The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
- 1796 - George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
- 1957 - First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 km. away.
- 1959 - After Nikita Khrushchev is barred from visiting Disneyland, he threatens to "keel haul" a man dressed in a Goofy suit.
- 1970- Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme!
- 1982 - Feared corsair Patch-Eyed Pete posts first recorded instance of an emoticon, P-) to an online bulletin board.
- 1985- First pirate movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
- 1989- Pirate Radio goes on the air and is fined for gratuitous use of the words "scalliwag" and "booty."
- 1995 - First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
- 2006 - with the War on Terror becoming increasingly bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush considers shifting focus to a War on Pirates.
- 2006- Patch-Eyed Pete is fined $100,000 for using a pirated emotiocon in 1982.
- 3001 - Only because of the extreme backlog of mail at FOX, Futurama is brought back with a new twist, Fry is in 4001AD.
- 3095 - President Bush's term ends
- 2384923- Due to the extreme popularity of stupid and annoying ass music at this time, Ashlee Simpson is cloned and made to perform for the 2384898th season of SNL. She later wins 17 Grammys, a Tony, an Oscar, and a Ricky Martin.
- end - God gets tired of the universe and presses the hibernate key.
- The Rebooting - God's roomate FSM deciedes to watch some war movies and restarts the world.
September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day, Sophia's Birthday, International Talk Like A Landlubber Day
- 20,000,000 BC Formation of the Amazon Rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping virgin jungle.
- 30,000 BC Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
- 1187 - Saladin begins a seige on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
- 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
- 1815 - First railroad tunnel finishes construction.
- 1837 - Tennis is invented because people like to wear short white shorts and hit balls.
- 1920 - Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
- 1930 - Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
- 1934 - Sophia Loren born.
- 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard. "
- 1940- First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
- 1940 - Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
- 1941 - After two years of war, the British Royal Air Force choose between naming their planes "the spit-fire" or "the swallow-water."
- 1942 - Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
- 1957 - Popsicles, lollypops, bananas and cucumbers are invented.
- 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spewed out.
- 1965 - Wham-O's Superball is introduced and becomes a runaway hit, because people love to play with balls.
- 1993 - Foundations laid for the Three Gorges Dam.
- 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
- 2006 - Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine hold's the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the earth.
- 2006 - President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me".
September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day, International Sweat like a Rapist day
- 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
- 1066 - Harold is disgusted to find he has got sweat patches on his favour armour. As he is changing behind a tree a stealth agent shoots him in the eye.
- 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
- 1828 - That Guy, not This Guy is born in Lower Throat-Warbling, Kent
- 1918 - Treaty of Cadbury-Schwepps marks the cessation of violence in the first Cola War
- 1947 - The Coke plan is set up to aid falling Coca Cola sales in Europe. Pepsi will have none of this, condemming it as cola sales imperialism.
- 1952 - Pepsi introduces the "So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick" plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
- 1972 - Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos issues Proclamation No. 1081 placing the country under martial law and making Pepsi the official drink of the Phillipines.
- 1983 - Ferdinand Marcos directs a confused man to the local garage to purchase Pepsi.
- 1985 - Coca Cola invents Mountain Dew, Infringing on Pepsi's trademark, starting Cola War II.
- 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentuckistan; Chicken Little announces that "the sky is falling!"
- 1987 - Hershey's mediates a treaty between Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, ending Cola War II after much bloodshed in Central American plantations.
- 1998 - 7-Up nominated for Oscar
- 1999 - The impending Millennium celebrations force Royal Crown Cola to formulate a strategy to take down its opposition.
- 2001 - Rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming "Death to the American Capitalist Swine".
- 2007 - The day Tetris broke. Anti-bullying day occurs, the masses dress in pink and Pepto Bismol drips to death, pink unicycle spotted on national television.
- 2009 - Rola Cola assassinates Royal Crown Cola, Coca Cola and Pepsi, in that order, they never stood a chance.
September 22: Autumnal Unquinox, Sir Walter Scott Deathday celebrations
- 66 - Emperor Nero creates the Legion Italica, who wrote in all italics.
- 1465 - Aztec tourists discover autumn in the resort town of Equinox, Vermont, a town named for an Aroostook chief who tended to fall off his horse. The first day of autumn was named after the town.
- 1742 - Instead of the sun rising this day a giant inflatable Wario head rose in the East followed by an encore of 'bowsers castle' music for the entire morning. This could be heard and seen all over the globe.
- 1785 - Britain fails to recognise this day any longer, after realising that "the weather's always crap, every bloody day!"
- 1816 - Autumn was cancelled after the Year Without A Summer.
- 1827 Some guy invents Mormonism
- 1867 - New England businessmen and scientists announce they genetically modified trees to change colors in autumn, as part of a plan to lure Southern tourists back North after the Civil War. The plan fails when the first Southern tourists complain about the integration of colored trees with non-colored trees.
- 1868 - Unquinox missing in France. Rioting strangely absent.
- 1898 - Toast was invented by Cthulu
- 1960 - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is first published, provoking the law that Best Before Date stickers are to be put on all eggs and ham. This law was later extended to include all perishable food items and Michael Jackson's career.
- 2001 - The Federal Communications Commission places largely ignored ban on the use of Fall as a synonym for Autumn, citing complaints by family members of September 11 victims.
- 2003 - Plans to change Winter to "Gets-back-up-again" were shelved, because it was "stupid".
- 2004 - The countdown timer in LOST secretly goes below zero and counts down to minus 108, before displaying a picture of the Rosetta Stone and then a large Wikipedia logo. On a completely unrelated note, a plane crashed on the island and the first series of LOST began.
September 23: Take a Venomous Animal to Work Day
- 1143 - Pope Benedict I rejoins God after taking his wife to work.
- 1554 - Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Spanish explorer, dies after taking a rattlesnake to work.
- 1774 - Pope Clement XIV (b. 1705) expires after taking a lionfish to work.
- 1972 - The French word "capitulate" is added to the OED (the French themselves have been using the word since 600 BC).
- 1974 - Two whole words, both alike in dignity, "Capulet" and "Montague", are added to the OED.
- 1979 - Olympics held in Wigan for the second time.
- 1986 - Ozzy "Ozzy" Osbourne catches a crazy train. Is late for work. Rioting ensues.
- 1989 - songwriter Irving Berlin dies when the platypus he brings to work strikes him with its venomous leg spines.
- 1990 - First "cow catapult" launch observed in controversial computer game "Nuclear War".
- 2002 - Revolution in Webbrowserland leads to crowning of Pheonix I by Mozilla rebels. Fighting start of Firefox War.
September 24: Someone's birthday / Dyslexic Atheists Day (Greece)
- 3000 BC - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "Thert isi thaer no doG!"
- 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
- 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
- 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish nieghbour.
- 1944 - France is liberated by the allied forces. Riots ensue.
- 1960 - Chuck Norris hires a Vietnamese plumber. Vietnam is still recovering.
- 1991 - Jesus found alive and well in a Manchester crackhouse
- 1993 - Karl Marx personal diaries discovered, Marxism apparently was just a wind up to bug the Americans.
- 2003 - George Bush declares war on Legoland
- 2007 - The last day of Adventalo, the gathering of millions of nerds awaiting the coming of the chiefus christ.
- 2020 - Michael Jackson becomes the first man to clone himself
- 2021 - Michael Jackson becomes the first man to sexually assault himself
- 2342 - Somebody gets fired on their birthday from school.
- 2351 - Walmart declares war on Islam. Millions die.
September 25: Regional Ride Your Lumbee Zebra to Work Day (Southeast US)
also celebrated in other geographic regions as:
National Ride Your Hippopotamus to Grandma's House Day (Botswana)
National Drive Your Automobile on the Right Side of the Street Day (UK)
Neighborhood Ride Your Skateboard in an Empty Pool Day (Dogtown)
National Ride Sally Ride Day (Cape Kennedy, FL)
International Drag Your Butt Across the Carpet like a Dog Day (Living Rooms around the World)
Annual Ride Your Sister Bareback Day (The Commonwealth of Kentuckistan)
- 1 - God invents Grues to punish Jews who prosecuted Jesus.
- 179 - Vikings find the word "Viking" offensive. Change name to Berserkers.
- 1832 - 604th day in a row of no news to report.
- 1833 - Meteor shower destroys Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1936 - Adolf Hitler takes second place to Herman Goering in the Third Reich All-Aryan Darts Championship. Goering promoted.
- 1999 - Britains Millenium Dome is voted 'most useable structure' for the new millenium
- 2002 - Some girl in Kentuckistan is raped after a terrible accident, pregnancy ensues.
- 2006 - You log on and view Uncyclopedia; millions die.
- 2007 - Large dome shaped roof for sale,little used, one careless owner, offers invited
- 2007 - Halo 3 is released, Bungie makes millions, millions of nerds ejaculate for the first time, millions of n00bs get pwned for the first time. Anyone who downloaded it 3 days ago reveals key plot lines to geeks waiting outside storefronts, roflspasm rioting ensues. .
Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.
September 26: Commemeration of the Brick wall.
- 1200 - Roger Waters invented first brick in The Wall.
- 1207 - The first brickwall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues.
- 1698 - Brick reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Kevin decreed, that any major milestone of the brick must occur on September 26.
- 1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall.
- 1704 - First 'stack of bricks' discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake.
- 1705 - Roger 'that' Waters put another brick in The Wall.
- 1827 - Brick wall first constructed in no-man's land by Kermit the Frog during World War I. He won a VC for his efforts.
- "It's not easy being green, when you're covered in blood!" ~ Kermit the Frog.
- 1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in brick wall for something a lot more stable.
- 1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again.
- 1905 - The Kool-Aid Man accidentally runs through a brick wall, and discovers a new fetish.
- 1908 - The Great Wall of China was constructed to keep Zsa Zsa Gabor from invading Cleveland.
- 1910 - Mark Twain tried to count the brick Waters put on the wall.
- 1911 - Confusion ensues when Frodo asks Sam to "flat out drop a brick" in his mouth.
- 1917 - Roger Waters put another f*ckin' brick in The Wall.
- 1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims.
- 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof.
- 1950 - Random Elvis sighting on The Wall.
- 1972 - Hurdy Gurdy man gone insane while helping Ozzy Osbourne invented Polka-Metal.
- 1972 - Waters cried a lot and still put another brick in the wall.
- 1973 - David Gilmour stole Barrett's career.
- 1975 - Roger Waters bit Rick Wright's ears and sadly put another brick in the wall.
- 1976 - Dear PROG EMO wish you were here , but absence , so he put a thousand brick in the wall.
- 1979 - A LAST FEW BRICK was PUT!! now start baking comfortably bun.
- 1980 - Waters trapped inside the wall.
- 1984 - Gilmour and Rick Wright secretly play Brokeback Mountain while Waters went Hitchhiking.Waters' sad , putting another brick in...er...inside the Wall.
- 1985 - Geldof Hitler ruled Pink Floyd.
- 1989 - Berlin Wall breaks up after finding their cover version of Canadian Idiot wasn't popular in America.
- 1990 - Waters ate Sith lord and came back out of the wall with dark forces.Manipulate a lot of Rockers , Rappers , Rippers , Boy bands and Paris Hilton to takeover fallen Berlin Wall.
- 1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick.
- 1998 - Vin Deisel Records Special Commemorative Cover of "Brick House"
- 1999 - WLCPs "Another Brick in the Eye" reaches number 72 in th Billboard Charts.
- 2007 - "Robert's face day" and "Bricks before Chicks" day
September 27: Being Fooled by Nigerian 419 Scammers Day/ Racism Day!
- 1932 BC: Queen of Sheba gives half of King Solomon's gift to Nigerians posing as lepers.
- 535: Pope John II gives half of Vatican treasures to Nigerian Scammers. Curse by pope leads to Climate Changes of 535-536.
- 1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. It begins, "Dear sir, I am the cousin of the former finance minister of Nigeria, Ngubo Mbobobo"
- 1899: Oscar Wilde has been selected to receive £24.9 million from persecuted Nigerian businessman, Mr. Mboto Nzuzuwawe! All he has to do is telegraph his checking account number!
- 1905: Albert Einstein publishes the paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?" in Annalen der Physik. This paper describes the relationship between energy and mass according to the equation E=MC^2, where E is energy, M is mass, and C is the number of Nigerian emails circling the internet at any given point.
- 1942: Adolf Hitler gets scammed out of all of Nazi Germany's tank anti-freeze budget by a Nigerian Scam. He then becomes racist towards all black people because of this.
- 1998: Google begins its world conquest.
- 2005: