Uncyclopedia:Departure of Fun/Unlimited Unstory

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This is yet another of Uncyclopedia's visitor-generated stories, but this time there's a difference: there are no limits to the amount of words or sentences you can add. Feel like spinning an entire chapter? Go right ahead? Only want to start off a sentence? That's fine too! (But, just don't use any random word templates).

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Contents 1 Unlimited Unstory 2 Unlimited Unstory: Part Dos 3 Unlimited Unstory: Part Trois [En Spangrish] 4 Unlimited Unstory: Part Negative-Shree! [THE END MY ASS!] 4.1 Meanwhile, In Salt Lake City... 4.2 Meanwhile, In The Middle Of Some Random Road, New Jersey 4.3 Meanwhile, In Front on Your House... 4.4 Meanwhile, On a Random Road in The State That's Beside New Jersey 4.5 Meanwhile, in Salt Lake City (2) 4.6 Meanwhile... 4.7 Meanwhile on some distant planet... 5 Meanwhle... 6 Later... 7 Rebellion of the Turtleships 8 The Watermelon 8.1 The Monkey's Chase 9 Unlimited Footnotes 10 Part Vife - The futile dreams of Siggy Moltke 11 Part Sechs - An Egregious Breach of Silence and Secrecy 12 Part Savanth - Two Guys, A Girl, Three Mangalores, and An Irrational Particle Accelerator 13 Part Ate - Can Molke's Avacodo emulate the Amulet? 14 Part Nein - Random Chapter Break 15 Part X:? 15.1 The End 16 Book 2: X Labs 17 Part 127900x: The raping 18 Part 9 + 2: The Remembered 19 The Slammer 20 The Inconvenience Store 21 The Afterlife 22 Banana Man, Saviour of the World 23 The Iguanas Strike back 24 But Then Came the FSM 25 The FSM Betrayal 26 The Monkey Man 27 What Best friends do for each other 28 this guy doesnt know how to make her own section so i had to do it for him 29 Part... What part is this again? 30 Part 12 OR IS IT? 31 The Magnificent Adventures of Phoenix! The Sexiest Wonder of the World 32 Or is it? 33 Adventures in Malmkoping 34 Total devastation of Malmkoping and Hello Kitty rules the world, oops I hope I didn't reveal the ending of the Half-Assed-Pre-Final-Not-Really-De-Re-Un-Re-Omni-Unlimited-Pro-Epilougish-Chapter story (Otherwise known as Chapter 0.17) 35 The Shrine of Nine is a Fine Time For Twine 36 The Toad Elevating Moment 37 Meanwhile, on a Completely Unrelated Day Halfway Around the World... 38 Meanwhile in a far awy spec of dust 39 The random chapter regarding Grue's 40 Eventually they all got therA 41 what the zorkins was that?! 42 Part of Story With Grammar That is Bad and Sense That is Not Made 43 Part 39: The Japanese Part (The Sword) 44 Part 39.5: The Japanese Part (The Sword) TRANSLATED 45 PART 44: The Unlimited Language Extravagansa 46 The End!!! 47 THE NEW STORY!: JULIA: THE RAPPIST RAPER! Part 1 48 THE NEW STORY!: JULIA: THE RAPPIST RAPER! Part 2 49 And So It Was Part I: The Phantom MenaCe 50 And So It Was Part IV: A New Hope 51 The first ultimate linking chapter

[edit] Unlimited Unstory

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the beginning, on a bright cold day in April, it was a dark and stormy night - a screaming comes across the sky, and a flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his fascinatingly unique cheeseball making George Foreman Lean Mean Fart reducing bean machine, (henceforth CMGFLMFRBM, or "that darned ambulatory appliance that cost a bundle and doesn't work" as the Elemenstor called it), as they dashed (and teetered) in pursuit of their quarry. The Elemenstor (whose name was not Wilford) nervously fingered the tiny, gleaming Amulet of Yendor around his neck and rotated the Ring of Power^[2] around his left middle finger, in preparation for the annual Battle of the Beans that was to be held the following Tuesday evening. "Oh I wish", said the Elemenstor, "Oh how I wish the fellow Beanies and I can manage to attain that shining, unreachable goal; that blissfully pertinant wonder of wonders that is stage presence...". As the thought meandered through his brain, he stepped through a naturally occuring doorway to find his quarry - cornered! Swiftly he moved toward the lagomorph, pinned between its pursuer and a not-very-deep-but-just-deep-enough chasm. Producing his Catchy-Snatch Wand, he dived and swung... FNORD! FNORD!

...but alas! The creature leaped into the void rather than submit itself to capture. And with it the last hope of regaining the lost scrolls of Crinspot, vitally necessary to the Elemenstor if he is to ever Spot the Elusive Crin and regain sanity once again. Nevertheless, the Elemenstor would never give up hope, and this minor setback only served to strengthen his already iron hard resolve to continue in his quest; a quest of Determination, of Freedom, and above all: showing the world that it is possible to live under something other than the evil clutches of the terrible WikiAdmin, whose prowess at delivering intolerable discomfort to the so-called "Vandal" shall forever be scorched upon the minds and hearts of the "innocent".

The Elmenstor paused thoughtfully. "One day", he thought ruefully (and the thought echoed and rang to and fro within the empty recesses of his endarkened mind), "One day they'll pay for all they've done... Their cries will be heard for miles as I have imagined for years.

THE END^[3][4]

[edit] Unlimited Unstory: Part Dos

As Alex Murphy the paratrooper lit up his last brick, he decided he could no longer stay in this place where he was. He thought that if only he could reach the other side of the city, he would find the way out. But alas, the fumes from his brick overtook him, and he started to dream... FNORD! Throughout his whole life, as a glorified paratrooper, Murphy's addiction with brick smoking was evident of a troubled past. With a half-jew mother, a half-black father, and two-halves indian sister, his family was viewed of as a freak show. Interracial didn't even begin to describe what it was. They were like super-interracial. Sometimes, while he was high off bricks, he imagined giving birth to a baby that looked like a cow, white skin with black spots. The thought horrified him and reminded him of the hideous subculture known to the general public as furries. FNORD!

Scarred by the images of his mother wearing cat suits with cat ears, speaking 1337 out loud to her babies. He skipped the furry fetish, and was damn glad for that fact. The one thing he couldn't hide was his need to be a chav. FNORD! Because of his bizzarre up-bringing, Murphy had a great feeling of loyalty. This strong ability for fidelity eventually lead to his role as Robocop, defencer of truth, justice and the american way. After serving as Robocop for several years, he decided to join the army. He decided this after breaking up a firefight between Boobahs and Tellatubbies. One of the bright, colorfull boobah beams hit him in the face, and he passed out. He later woke up in the local hospital with a body, and $460 in cash missing from a wallet he never had. With his new body, he went to join the war in Vietnam, even though it was long over. FNORD! After coming home from Vietnam, he grew boobs! Not believing it, he ran up to the glass window of a scientologist church. All of the old ladies who were masturbating to pictures of Tom Cruz instantly stopped masturbating and began retching at the disgusting sight of a black man with breasts. Instantly he ripped off his shirt, and began to twist his nipples. Shocking painful streams of pain flew down his jugular into his testicles. Imediately stopped short, he wondered if he still had his penis. So he reached down in horror to pull out four different penises! All of varying size and length. FNORD! "My god Murphy! How.. what! WHY DO YOU HAVE 4 OF THOSE?" beamed his gay partner, Julia. Her anatomy had shifted quite uncomfortably too- what the hell was going on? Before he knew what he was doing, he ran into the church and started picking up old ladies and pictures of Tom cruz. Once he couldn't hold any more, he had julia help him. Once they had a truckload of things to use as Sex toys, they piled into their pickup truck and drove back to their apartment. It was going to be a VERY interesting night for all involved. The janitor who had to clean up the resulting mess had this to say: "It was a horrible, horrible sight. Sorry my english not good. ¡DIOS DEL OH! ¡JESÚS DULCE PORQUÉ?!"" He was later carted off to an insaniqurium for further testing. FNORD! After his terrible sexual adventures, which were inter-related to his brick-smoking, Murphy joined Counseling and got off the brick. He began life anew. He was clean off the brick. He no longer randomly performed mindless acts of sex or violence, nor envisions himself doing so in anatomically impossible delusions. He no longer spends all his days shipping off to war, terrorizing children, or smoking brick. Through a workout and rehab program, he met and exceeded his old abilities, becoming faster, stronger, more powerful, and more committed to justice than ever. FNORD! The time had come for a change to this town. And Murphy was sure he was going to make it. He had overcome his constant desire for identity through attempts at racial, military, and sexual validation. Those insecurities had been replaced by an unquenchable thirst for balance, justice, and vengeance on the wicked. These are his stories. Though greatly incomplete, I will transcribe all I can from the surveillance videos recorded by the implantations in Robocop's brain. FNORD! I think Robocop, or maybe I'll just call him Murphy, really started in his prime after defeating D. Jones and reclaiming his old life as Alex Murphy. My fondest memory of Robocop's crime-fighting skills was of that one time where he went back in time and collaborated with Sherlock Holmes to stop what would otherwise be the biggest Jewelry theft in history. This is how it went. FNORD! The PlasticForks gang was a wiedespread British gang notorious for it's harmless, yet mildly illegal crimes. But recently, it had come under new leadership. A vicious spirit named Nhelly, who claimed to be from the future, declared and insisted that the new goal of the PlasticForks gang would be to 'rob the jewelry stores and tell them make us some grillz.' Because the centrally fascist gang protocols of England at the time, the subordinates of a gang had no choice to obey. To leave or be unloyal to the current leader of their gang, of their gang would mean signing their death warrant, it would also mean that they were being a totally uncool prick.

Murphy arrived at Holme's drafty office in 1870. Holmes, with his keen senses and analytical skills, could instantly tell that Murphy was from the future. "How did you know?" Asked Robocop. "You have a giant patent notice on your back which lists the date" replied Holmes smoothly. "Oh, yeah. Well, thanks for telling me, cause I can't see that part of myself in the mirror you know, and like, I guess I would never know otherwise." Robocop said. "Yeah, it's cool" said Holmes, leaning back in his chair and supporting his head with his hands. From that point on, they were friends and cohorts. Watson began to feel like a third wheel.

Up until this time, any jewelry store robberies of the plasticforks gang were petty and small. But a few days later, Murphy got wind of an interesting rumor - Nhelly and his gang warriors were planning a much larger, much more coordinated heist, that would be occurring at the end of November. Twenty locations were going to be hit at once. Some of the more seedy and sensationalistic gossips of England's underworld, known to exaggerate, even went so far as to claim he PlasticForks planned to steal the Crowned Jewels of England, and use the diamonds within to make themselves grillz.

Murphy approached Sherlock about this - who was quite concerned, realizing solving this case could mean paying off the 10,000-quid debt he had accumulated purchasing jello shots. "Say, Murphy, old chap," said Holmes, "you wouldn't mind helping me out on this one, would you? If not out of a personal favor to me, just because it would mean so much to England, and to justice in general." Murphy, being quite eager to make and keep friends after being sent back ~120 years, to a time when he didn't know anyone, quickly agreed. He would do what it takes. After a bit of friendly debate, they decided how to best approach the case.

And so it was, that on a blustery November second, Alex Murphy, Sherlock Holmes, and plain' ol' Watson got in a horse-drawn carriage and rode to London. They were going to get to the bottom of this massive theft plan, even if that meant plunging into all and any areas of crime, gang-violence, and England's underground necessary. They finally arrived in western London, got out of the carriage, and quickly walked towards their first destination. This is where they would start looking for knowledge. They arrived, and here they were. The Canutian tavern, named after the king of England of early 11th century. There was history to this place, but that didn't matter to Murphy, and barely to Holmes. They knew what they were looking for. It was stuff and things.

They opened the door and walked inside.

To be Continued

[edit] Unlimited Unstory: Part Trois [En Spangrish]

"Hola, where can I comprar never ending anus III?" a short fat man of hispanic decent asked the pr0n shop dealer.

"Right around the corner. Wait just a minute, boy... girl.. boy-uhh.. comrade, you aren't from around here. Where do ya hail from?" The Pr0n shop dealer looked slightly miffed with the foreigner.

"Si, me casa es located en airstrip one, Oceania, comrade." he replied

The bewildered pr0n shop dealer watched him go, a copy of "Double Penetrasain" nestled in his trenchcoat pocket. The night was young and the lonely pr0n shop dealer was the epitome of lonely. His name was Matt Kwong. He was of no Asian descent at all, but his last name was that of a Chinese. His mother received the surname by marrying a karaoke super star, Barry "long schlong" Kwong. Aside from ruling at karaoke, he was an underground pornstar extraordinare. He never met his father, he just inherited millions of extra copies of rare VHS's of his father and mother. His life began shaky. Family reunions weren't reunions at all, they were orgies.

"Hola! Hombre, are you day dreaming? Your hand is on your.. uhm.. meatstick, why? You dirty hentai pervert jerking off to me?" the Hispanic man shouted.

Suddenly, the pr0n shop dealer awoke from his daze instantly embarrassed with his Johnson exposed, all 2.5 inches of it. Oh how he wished he had been given his fathers glory rod. His sexuality was under no question. He was in fact straight as straight could be. He was not jerking off subconsciously to the man in the story, he was jerking off to the idea of brutally murdering him. Instantly the thought crossed his mind to take out a chainsaw and saw the bastards head off. Retaining this urge, he pulled up his pants and sold the man Never Ending Anus III.

But enough about the pr0n dealer, this is en story de one Bernard Sezzpistol. He just happened to be the one who rented Never ending anus III. He had been slowly building up a collection of videos. Bernard had traveled the globe looking for porn videos only available in small third world countries. Most were crap, but some he found were priceless gold. The sound of an old VHS tape rolling always turned him on, and he could jack off to the sound alone. When he got back to his trailer, he popped it in (the vhs to the VCR, perverts) and sat back for a night of lonely fun. Just then, he received a knock on the door.

Kind of dismayed about being interrupted but turned on by the mystery of a secret visitor, He slipped into a tiny pink see-through baby doll and 4 inch solid glass pumps. Dressing like a woman was where the fun was at. This, along with his other kinky fetishes, made most of the world ignore him and condemn him as a pervert. He heard the knock again, this time he could hear a little tinkling that sounded as if it was a motor. Could it be his VHS player? He didn't care, all the blood that would've been running to his head on his shoulders was instead rushing the the head of his penis that was disdainfully erect. The knock increased this time, and began to be furious banging.

Instantly he rushed to his trailer door and undid all 10 locks. Locks had always been a plenty for Bernard because he was always paranoid in his teen years after an accident where his mom walked in on him while he was jacking off to Dolly Parton exercise tapes. Suddenly, he had a flashback to the greedy beedy eyes of the Pr0n shop dealer. Oh, but it wasn't a flash back. Impatiently, the person knocking sliced down the door with a chainsaw and glared finally at the victim, Bernard, then chopped his body in half, leaving a pool of blood on the ground.

"Yea, that's right mother fucker! I have come to steal all your porn, I knew from the beginning you were an avid collector. Images of your collection with you pictured in it are all over the internet. I knew it was you the moment you stepped in the door with you gay air of finesse. You reeked of fabreeze, and so does your trailer." the pr0n shop dealer said over his dead body. Quickly he harnessed all of the pron into a suitcase and ran away writing " 1-3-3-7 " on the fuzzed out TV screen in blood. "Victim number one, dead." he said with a smirk. FNORD! Come the next day, there was a new shelf filled with new videos. Another customer came in, this time, it was impossible to tell the origin. He could be from anywhere. The pr0n dealer didn't even know if it was a guy or a girl, all he knew, was that *it* was going to rent a video. He didn't have to wait long, the *it* came over, and in his hand he held a video that only pure, hardcore furries could watch. FNORD! He scanned it and and said "Ooo, port-side, very good. I've never watched it all the way through myself, but then again, I'm no furry.". The *it* nodded and left, but what he didn't see was that the pr0n dealer was smiling, ever so slightly, and polishing a dirty chainsaw blade. Why didn't the it see this? Most likely because *it* was wearing a fursuit, which hindered *its* vision to that of an old person with one eye.

Later that night, the furry had *its* sex doll ready to jiggle, and its suit on. *it* popped in the video, and began to watch (among other things). What gender was it? What was its name? It was a female, but only a female by sex change surgery. Born named Jackson Huffy Kitty. After years "she" shortened "her" name to Huffy Kitty, a play on the satanic being named hello kitty. "Her" parents were pretty messed up in the head. One was from Japan, the other from Texas. The female of the two, named Beth Shaylor, had 3 tits and was famous for hirsute videos. The male of the two was a later-life bear pornstar. All of the facts cleared up, let's move back to the story.

As the furry got to the middle before the climax, just then (as with the night before) a knock on the door signaled someones arrival. "She" got up, angry that someone had disturbed "her" fapping. "She" looked through the peephole, and just barely recognized the glint of a concealed weapon. a BIG concealed weapon. "She" recognized the man, it was none other than the pr0n dealer. With an impatient look on his face, the man whipped out his small, tactical chainsaw (which was still pretty big) and cut the door down. The furry was so stunned it couldn't move. This proved to be a fatal flaw, as she was soon beheaded. The pr0n dealer grabbed both the furry head and the real head, put them in a sack and walked away. "Number 2" He whispered, gently using the dead furries tail to write on the linoleum floor " 1-3-3-7 ". FNORD! "Koin 6 News, I am Shelly Belly reporting on a murder cases obviously linked together!" blared the TV at the pr0n shop. A grin came across the masterminds face. He knew he'd never be caught. Even with the obvious marks of 1337 left every time, the similar murders, the Oregon police were too stupid to ever figure it out. There weren't even rumors about him being behind it all, that's how slow they are. He had the perfect crime. Since going to a porn shop was so avidly taboo, most people tried to deny even wanting to go there. All of the people he murdered were defenseless dilapidated insane perverts that no one cared if they died or lived. He was getting the sick greedy power he had always dreampt of. All to get back at his fucked up family and life. It was his destiny, his fucking sick twisted utopia. The guy was pretty much really fucked up. FNORD! He got up and turned off the TV set from the 1970's. He closed up the register, took down 3 various titles of porn and closed up the shop. Tonight he would return to his humble apartment, curl up in bed, masturbate to fall asleep, then wake up at 6:00 am like every other fucking morning to sell porn to the needy and seek out victims. FNORD! The next morning when he woke up, he got dressed, and went to his shop. Once inside, he found a note on the cash register. Puzzled, the note read as follows: "I know it is you. I challenge you to a battle, a battle to the DEATH. Come to the park at midnight. Signed, 31337". This troubled the pr0n dealer. He had never been in a pr0n battle before. He did not know what would happen, only that it would be bad. He closed shop up, and went to practice at home. This was undoubtedly part of his destiny.

When he got there, he decided which weapon to use. He decided his long-saw (a chainsaw bigger than most) and so, began to practice. He did not turn it on for fear of waking his neighbors (they're nocturnal, for some reason.). After several hours, he figured out perfected tactics using his weapon, and the theme to rocky played, an exercising montage playing.

At 11:45pm, he headed for the park. It was 11:53pm when he got there, and the park was deserted. Suddenly, all the lights went off, in sequence, until they reached the last one. A man stood there, his long hair topped by a fedora, black, so that he was just a shadow. Both men were wearing trench coats, and they both knew what was hidden beneath. Neither man talked for a long time, many minutes passed, neither shying away from the others gaze. Suddenly, there was a motion blur. Both men realized at the same instant that the other was attacking. Each revved up their saws in one fluid motion. The battle had begun.

The pr0n dealer attacked first, his saw making a wide arc, but the blow was parried by the saw of the other gentleman. The screeching sound carried through the distance, as clangs and screeches signaled a fight. Neither would give up until the other was dead, soon, however, they would run out of gas, and their bodies weren't doing much better. Just then, the pr0n dealer managed to connect with the enemies leg, blood squelched through and covered both men.

Though blood was leaking from his mouth, the fedora clad man managed to smile and say "You are undone. A bomb in your shop will go off once I die." The cackle that left his lips was finally silenced by a sickening crunch, as the pr0n dealer finished him off. It was over. He had won. Were the mans last words true? Would his coveted collection be destroyed? Only time would tell. He used the man's saw to scrape "1-3-3-7" into the dirt.

The Pr0n dealer was genuinely tired. He wanted to curl up and die. The thought of his shop being ruined made him puke. He decided he would return home and maybe the morning news or police would show some signs that his shop exploded. He returned home, dripping in blood.

Blam, clang, "Hey Bud", "Wanna fuck through the bars?" These phrases never went away. It has been 3 months since the night of the epic battle. Eternal hungriness, forever migranes, death of the soul, whatever you assign hell to.. prison. He was in it, he was stuck. On the night when he returned back to his home he knew he had been framed. His apartment was surrounded by cops and tragically he had been arrested. The person who they had set up to be the man in the fedora was actually a son of Stalin whom America was glad to get rid of. The man was told if he could win he was granted eternal freedom to do whatever he wished, no laws could stop him. The whole time, it was all planned. The cops arrested him and he was stuck, stuck in eternal hell, Prison, fucking prison.

He was sentenced to life in his mother's pussy. And eventually he planned to kill himself in any way possible. Hopefully he would get another person to help him break his neck inbetween the bars. Anything to rid him from this hell he was living. He wanted out, and he was tired of getting fucked up the ass. Was this part of his destiny?

"I fucking hate you, fuck you parents, fuck you fedora bastard, fuck you shemale furry bitch, fuck you president bush, fuck you condoleeza rice.. god fuck myself! I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore! Just get it over with!" he screeched. And it was over. His spinal cord broken, his mouth pooling of blood. It was all over.. finally...

THE END^[5]

[edit] Unlimited Unstory: Part Negative-Shree! [THE END MY ASS!]

Meanwhile... in a town far, far, faaaaaaaaarrr , very VERY FAAAAAAAAAARERRR - *gets hit with a mallet*

Ahem.

In a town far, far *braces for another mallet-beating* away, there lived a small baby pie named "Hermit".

Hermit was a great piece of pie, he was; however, today his mother was very very mad at him.

"Come 'ere you little scumbag!" His mother, Mamapie, screeched while stalking down the various corridors of the patch of grass that he and Mamapie lived on.

Please Hermit thought his little mind out, Please, pleeeeeease don't find me!

Hermit did not pray to every other pie that was bigger than him that his mother would not find him (as pies were not taught religion, Hermit did not know about the long-bearded one named 'God'); not because he did not love his mother, but because his mother was going to dress him up in little-lady clothes and sell him to Humans, so that Humans could eat him!

Hermit did not want to be eaten.

So, after he was sure that Mamapie was far away enough for him to be safely out of range of her Catapult that Catapults Catapults, he fled his furry little ass off in search of a better pie-life. Mamapie (because all mother-pies have a kiddi-sensitive radar) sensed this and tried to flee after Hermit. (Why Mamapie didn't use her 2nd sense to find Hermit in the first place is a mystery that only God and online-MMORPG-playing-gamers will know.)

HOWEVER, (dun DUN), because Mamapie was extremely obese from a common pie-condition called obesity, Mamapie could not run fast, nor far enough to catch little Hermit, and soon, exploded.

Ten metres away, on a completely alien area of grass-patch, Hermit halted his flee-ing-ment as he felt a wet, shplochh on his flat little head. He looked up, just in time for another big piece of Mamapie to fall on his face.

He looked around. The sight was amazing! Everywhere, as far as thee pie-eye could see, were bits and pieces of Mamapie falling around him. He danced around joyously as more and more pieces of Mamapie fell upon him.

The raining of Mamapie did not stop for a long time. In fact, it just kept on going and going! Soon, the bright green patches of grass turned to brown. Hermit associated this colour with Shit.

Eating up the lovely pieces of Mamapie, Hermit grew, bigger, stronger, more confident and much, much more obese. But not to worry, he would go on a diet later.

Hermit gathered up his newfound strength, and continued on with his journey.

[edit] Meanwhile, In Salt Lake City...

A man named Dr. Pets was mowing his lawn. Suddenly one of his pets darted out of nowhere and Dr. Pets accidentally ran it over with his lawn mower. He couldn't believe what just happened. It was Tim Horton's, one of his favorite ferrets. Thankfully, Dr. Pets was deaf, therefore he couldn't hear the gruesome sounds that must have come out of Tim Horton's mouth during impact. Dr. Pets quickly ran over to his beloved Tim Horton's, with tears in his eyes. He looked down at his long, white and furry companion, and cursed under his breath. He was much less sad than angry, angry at himself for this. For the murder of his very own pet! He would have to give Tim Horton's a proper funeral, it was the least he could do, so he picked Tim Horton's up and walked to the shed to get a shovel.

A few minutes later, Dr. Pets had finished digging the 3 foot deep hole in his back yard, beside the grave for Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's and Subway. They were his dog, cat, hamster and parrot respectively. He paid his last respects and buried Tim Horton's. Then, all of a sudden, he heard the sounds made by Tim Horton's when he first bought him from the pet shops downtown. He dared not to look back, for it would be too hard to bear: a final look at his 87th pet. He figured that the sounds were coming from his head.

Dr. Pets went back inside his house, to mourn.

Little did Dr. Pet's know, for Tim Horton's was not actually dead. His was alive and well, digging his way out of his 3 foot grave. He was mad! He was very mad! Tim Horton's knew that Dr. Pet's was deaf, so he couldn't hear Tim Horton's noises, but he also knew that Dr. Pet's wasn't blind. He should have seen that he was moving.

Tim Horton's wanted vendetta! he wanted REVENGE! He was going to show Dr. Pet's what it's like to be assumed dead, and he was going to get Hooter's, the mouse, to help him. Together they would prove that

(1 ferret plus 1 mouse equals 0 Dr. Pets.)

[edit] Meanwhile, In The Middle Of Some Random Road, New Jersey

Racey was named Racey because she did not like that letter 'T'. She also loved races, which is another reason why she is named what she is named. Although, she hated sports. She would much rather count trees.

As she wandered the empty roads, sulken and lonely, she wondered if there be more trees coming her way. Of course, she hated walking, so she decided to sit down.

A green car passed, and stopped before Racey. The window was then let down, as the driver inside asked her, "would you like a ride along this empty road so you will not be sulken and lonely and can count more trees?"

Racey thought for a moment, and then replied, "Yes."

As Racey approached the car, she remembered about learning about Stranger Danger at school, and asked the driver, "Will you punch me, or hurt me, or drug me, or do sex with me?"

"No," replied the woman driver.

"Okay."

And with that, Racey entered into the car, and counted the new-found trees happily as they drove on.

[edit] Meanwhile, In Front on Your House...

Hermit rolled and rolled on the fresh green patch of grass outside on your lawn. (Pies could not pant and puff, so they had to find something else.)

Hermit then just happened to have glanced up, and saw an amazing sight: a blue sky. Hermit had never seen a blue sky before. No, not ever since his hallucination of paradise. But this time, it's for real.

Hermit then realises that he is in fact, in New Zealand. This is mostly because of the funnily-spelt words in this story; however, it is also because of the dozen-or-so sheep attacking and trying to get a bite of his leg. (The pie-species have been so evolved, by now, that the they have arms and legs and an eye.) As Hermit struggled to flee the herd of sheep, he realised that he could not possibly be in Front of Your House, as most of Uncyclopedia readers are from the US. And with that, he poofed away. (The pie-species have also evolved in the art of magic too, and they are all now magical. If you step on one, you will immediately pick it up - just like you do on Runescape. They are extremely powerful; their power only rivalled by the amazing tomatoes.)

[edit] Meanwhile, On a Random Road in The State That's Beside New Jersey

Racey and her new driver-friend sped down another road, count many various trees. However, just as Racey suspected, it was all too good to be true.

The car stopped abruptly with a screech.

Inside, Racey's driver-friend turned to her with a chilling smile upon her... face? She then unmasked herself...

to reveal that...

...she is actually...

MAMAPIE! Racey gasped in shock as the readers gasped with her. HOW COULD SHE BE ALIVE?!?!!

But just then Racey was ubducted by a fire extinguisher and was taken to another planet where she was thrown at stones, they too had said the word jehovah just this was a weird world where people were thrown at stones instead.

"Huh?" Racey tilted her head in confusion as she stared at the now-very-thin pie driving the green sedan. She strugged it off and continued counting the trees.

"TURN AROUND YOU IMBECILE!" Screeched Mamapie as Racey turned.

"You have the Hermit-radar, do not deny! I want you to lead me to Hermit this instant! And you will obey me because I am a Stranger and I am dangerous!!!"

With this, Racey had no choice but to obey. However, swearing to all the trees that she has counted so far, she sincerely hoped that Hermit would be okay.

[edit] Meanwhile, in Salt Lake City (2)

A man named Dr. Pets pushed a supermarket trolley along the road and ran over a cat. The man was then eaten by a grue. He fought against the grue long and hard, but even though he had George W. Bush on his side the grue was too powerful and slowly began to eat his legs. In a desperate move he summoned every ounce of knowledge from Holocaust Tycoon to defeat the grue. This was a bit pointless, and just before he died he worked out the meaning of everything. Just goes to show you that life a bitch, and the only useful thing you will ever do will be in the last 3 seconds of your life.

to be continued...

[spooky music] ooooooWEEEEEEEOOOOOOOHHHHH

LES ENDES!

Julia stared bemusedly at the screen. I have to stop watching the Sundance channel, she thought, or my brain is going to short circuit. Just like Murphy and the bizarre nightmare he'd told her about, brought on by watching a Tom Cruise marathon while thumbing through the stack of porn he'd stashed in his old army footlocker.

Julia glanced sidelong at her roommate. Ah, Murphy. If only he were a she--even without the four breasts he'd had in his dream. Julia sighed. Get a hold of yourself, girl. You might find yourself becoming--gulp--straight. Straight, she thought. That was a funny word. How many letters was it? 7? Yes, seven seemed about right. Ah, seven. But the really funny thing was that seven had 'six' letters, and six had three, and three had five, and five had four, and four had...straight? What? She sighed. Just then, a man named Dr. Pets crashed through her window, along with his lawnmower.

[edit] Meanwhile...

The monkey stared in disbelief at his typewriter. How could he have written this? The publishers would turn this one down for sure. I mean, he was in debt and everything, the other monkeys laughed at him at work, and he had been turned down at Waterstones 87 times. They seemed to have a thing about cutting out the middleman and selling your books to the masses directly.

He sighed, and threw the crumpled mess in the bin, and thought about leaving the cardboard box in which he lived.

But it still contiuned...

[edit] Meanwhile on some distant planet...

A volcano erupted as many mammoths had come to eat their portion of food for the day, until a puddle of lava had come in and burned them all to a hot, delicious crisp. Many cavemen and cave women had a banquet when they had free mammoth meat for dinner for many days. They were so stuffed, it didn't matter to hunt any longer. They prayed for yet another gift of yummy mammoth meat, and got it with the aid of fly paper. Soon it would all be over... The cavemen ate and ate and ate until they could not eat any longer. They eventually decided that enough was enough, and trundled away from the mammoths.

Later on, when they had been walking for an hour or more, and, with their stomachs as full as they could be, they were on the point of collapsing. Feeling this, the cavemen felt that it was in their best interests to go to sleep. Then suddenly, one caveman pointed ahead at something he said was glittering. The others looked, and, lo and behold, there was indeed something glittering on the horizon. The cavemen and women ran foorwards, and when they reached the glittering object, they discovered something that they could not believe they were seeing...a silver UnBook! (How did it get there?) Of course, they can't read, so they worshipped it as a god, until it exploded with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, destroying everything, anything, and everyone.

THE END

[edit] Meanwhle...

You were editing Uncyclopedia and saw...a brand new edition of 'how to eat weekly: advanced techniques' as you reach over to pick it up, you are abducted by the original cast of star trek, who were all old and grey. 'alright sonny jim, can you show us the main principals of eating? because we dont have teeth you see...

'YES!!! this is my big break! ive been studying how to eat for a while now!' you think to yourself. ok...well, first, we will start with the first thing, getting food, you guys got a fridge?

'well yes... but that fatass scotty ate all the food!'

'aye did 'na do such a ter'bel ate crime!'

'oh god here we go, hes talking like a hick! or a pirate, or some creepy form of jesus...or satan...or oscar wilde...'

'aye am 'na talk'n lik ar pir'at! if aye was aye would say ARRRR!! alot more! hey, that re'mids me...wanna hear a joke? about pirates?'

'GOD NO! we all know what joke your gonna say!'

'hey, why are pira...'

'NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'

and at that very moment, you call out no, because you see aroura shoot scotty.

'why did you do that?'

'listen...he was getting old, i think his time was right...'

trying to change the topic, you say, '...anyway... i see you got some meat loaf here...'

'LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL' yelled zombie scotty.

'oh dear god! scotty has risen from the dead...........................................................and in zombie form!!!'

and then...

What will happen to zombie Scotty? Or to Aroura? Or anyone else in this story??!!! Tune in next week for the season finally of "how to eat". It has all new drama, all new time periods, and an all new overall plot, caracters, directors, produces, boom operators, camera guys/girls/chicks/its! So be there or actually find something closly resembling a life! and while youre at it, go and du sum spelchaaekc

[edit] Later...

And everybody died! Except for me. Because of proper tray table usage and seat positioning, I survived the death of everyone except for me. Then I proceeded to build a fleet of turtle ships to rule the galaxy. This is my story...

[edit] Rebellion of the Turtleships

Suddenly, my massive army of turtle ships revolted. I died, leaving the turtle ships to wander the galaxy without a ruler. Then they all died, except for one because of its skilled seat positioning and masterful usage of tray tables. He then proceeded to build an army of giraffe ships which revolted and... oh, fuck it, you get what I'm saying.

[edit] The Watermelon

This was latter followed by a very large watermelon who just so happened to not be a squirel. This water melon went on a huge adventure through the universe and read some amazing books(it is noted that they were not actuly books, but rather a very fat peice of lard)As he continued onward into oblivion he met a man named ted

"I don't like mushrooms" said the watermelon "I don't like you" said ted

this was followed by a three hour conversation about how much pudding you could fit in your mouth without throwing up(trust me that is really hard to do)as they finished there conversation, the man named ted was replaced by a chocolate cake. The watermelon latter went on to rule the entire kitchen and not have a single cookie taken from the cookie jar.

That's when Vader came in and said " Ted, I am your father."

He took a deep breath and said " And also I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. And the father of Brutus. But I swear to God i did not bang Luke's momma. That was my evil twin. "

But then, a monkey with a typewriter trying to sell his script jumped out from behind a rock, disapproving that plot always has to apply to everything....

"Oh no! Rotters have broken into the safehouse and we're all out of AP! We're screwed!", said the monkey as he was playing Urban Dead. "I guess it's back to the revive point for me", he said. It was just then that the watermelon entered. It started to complain about the coffee. "This coffee is crap! I bet it isn't Fairtrade!", it shouted.

"I'm afraid I don't control the coffee in this story", said the monkey, "That's the job of the catering department."

"Well", said the watermelon, "When I signed up for this job, I expected more. Stars like me need decent coffee."

"Y'know, if your ego got any bigger, I bet it would weigh as much as that chronicly obese eight-year-old I saw on TV last night."

"Right, that's it", said the watermelon, "I'm going on strike."

With that, the watermelon left the story.

[edit] The Monkey's Chase

Thinking that it was too early for the star watermelon to leave, the monkey went after him. He went straight for a while, then found a shaft. Thinking it may be fun, he jumped down it. When he reached the bottom, he saw four words, of which two were profane...

"Aagh!" came a scream.

The kitten with I <3 GWB tattooed on his wrist jumped ten feet in the air, shrieking those four words in Mandarin Chinese. The monkey sighed, then smashed the watermelon on his elbow while waiting for the kinky cheesehead to return to the sketchy sci-fi novel. The watermelon started to cry. The monkey cruelly turned his back on the crushed watermelon and slowly walked into the sunset. "Now that could be a topic for my bestseller!" he thought.

[edit] Unlimited Footnotes

[edit] Part Vife - The futile dreams of Siggy Moltke

The scream slowly faded, and was succeeded by the chant of a solemn platoon of kumquats, slowly repeating the word "tumult" in deep bass undertones. The four words, the monkey saw, were carved into the rock face, and were both sacred and profane.

Young Siggy Moltke looked up from his book and considered the scene, sipping a fine arabica espresso. The word "tumult" had always fascinated him, although he always spelt it "tumulkd" in his mind's-eye, for reasons we cannot go into here. He was loath to appear in works of fiction, on account of Bisto, but a scan of the opening paragraph of this seminal work showed just such a word, and the chanting kumquats made a deep impression on his fragile psyche. He had accordingly been persuaded to make an exception in this case.

Siggy Molte was, you gather, no ordinary watermelon. He had grown up on a vegetable patch due south of Munich, close to the repository holding the fabled Amulet of Yendor, and his schooling and tertiary education had been thorough. The only hard-shelled fruit of any variety to study actuarial science, he now worked as a derivatives trader in the treasury office of an international machine-tool merchant. He was relatively wealthy, living the life of an urban sophisticate, enjoying fine coffee, driving a gleaming BMW, and instigating football riots, but he sometimes longed for the simple days of lying in the Bavarian sun, slowly ripening.

Day after day he toiled before a computer screen, driving up the price of molybdenum, or shorting the zircon market, while dreaming of a simpler life. Then, one day, his whole life changed when he ran a traffic light in the rain, late for work, and crashed into a big red truck traveling to mianus. However, ignoring everything that has been previously said for no apparent reason, all the characters were turned into pizzas. This, my son, is one of the mnany reasons why I promote kitten huffing, in all its glorious forms!

[edit] Part Sechs - An Egregious Breach of Silence and Secrecy

And so it came to pass on a chilly Wednesday morning, in the land of the Amish, that Hubris Michelob, the exalted grand chieftain of the order of Timbuktu passed a decree. Anyone who had been hitherto showered with horseradish, would now be forced to bathe in peanuts. Immediately, a wave of terror went out over the camp of indentured slaves who, just the previous night in an attempt to prove their allegiance to the order of Timbuktu, had been showered in horseradish. It was not known to the chieftain, how frightened his slaves were- especially those who were allergic to nuts. No one knows why he issued the decree, other than the fact that Michelob and peanuts go well together. Still, the peanuts were stockpiled in great numbers below the palace, and the slaves were forced to bathe in them. Hubris, the high council, and the rest of the order looked on while their slaves became soiled and swollen, (depending on their histamine reaction).

Then, a raspy voice rose from a short, hunched, black cloaked figure in the corner of the dungeon. It was Psoriasis Peckerash, the exalted master of wisdom- of the order of Timbuktu. He approached the huddled mass of slaves and removed the hood from his impeccably chiseled face. Psoriasis Peckerash once was indentured to the order of timbuktu, as were all members of the order at one time. He remembered well the toil and suffering he had undergone, and as the master of wisdom, was well aware that the current slaves had reached awareness of the state of grandiose unity. As he walked in their midst, the slaves could feel the stare of Peckerash's beady black eyes. "Brother Michelob, I implore you to consider releasing these slaves from their commitment". "But for why?", Hubris retorted. "Because they are ready to join the order, I have seen it in a dream". Hubris considered the words of his wise friend, and returned, "Tell me of this dream brother Pecker-rash". "It's Pecker-ash". "Excuse Me?". "You said Pecker-rash, my name is pronounced Pecker-ash". "Oh...", said the chief, "Then tell me of this dream, Brother PECKER-ASH."

"Very Well", sighed Psoriasis, and proceeded to relate his dream.

"I dream t of the Amulet of Yendor, the most holy relic of our order, and I dream t of New Jersey, Watermelons and Pizza. I dream t that one of the slaves found the Amulet and through him, it wielded the power to turn everyone into pizzas." "Pizzas?!", exclaimed the incredulous Michelob, "but that amulet has been lost for centuries". "No sir, when I attended the annual banquet for Timbuktu wisemen, they announced its rediscovey, it's being held in Munich!". "Well", replied Hubris, "what does the amulet have to do with our slaves?". Peckerash pondered the question and the significance of his dream... He really had no idea... "You will come to know in time", he said, waving his hands mysteriously. "Very well" Hubris agreed. We shall terminate the commitment of the slaves once we have successfully reached the Jumanji equilibrium. They then proceeded to drink and smoke heavily. Upon reaching the state of Jumanji- that is, the optimum balance of high and drunk, Hubris placed his beer and bong aside and issued a new decree. "I hereby declare that the indentured have fulfilled their obligation, and will become members of the order of Timbuktu at the dawn. The slave masters must now relinquish their authority. With that, the three hulking slave drivers tossed their flails to the ground, where they landed with three loud thuds.

The slaves were bewildered and relieved, but they knew that the final hours of their slavery would be the worse than all of the many years they had served put together. They were subjected to innumerable tests of strength, bravery, and loyalty, little did they know that "at dawn" was not merely a specific time, but an ancient allusion to the trials of the ancients of Timbuktu, who gained their liberation at dawn.

After a week of severe physical and psychological pain, the slaves congregated once more in the dungeon of the palace of the order of Timbuktu; all of them on the verge of death. Hubris Michelob entered the room and stood in front of the slaves. "You are now ready to join the order of Timbuktu". At that moment, the local authorities bursted into the room and held the entire order at gunpoint. The captain of the police approached the Timbuktu chieftan and unfurled a large scroll. "Hubris Michelob, you are hereby arrested for high treason against the Prince and his Parliament, and the order of Timbuktu is hereby disbanded". Hubris knew he was in trouble, for just last week, he had been really really drunk and he had urinated on the Prince's Palace. He now remembered the event more clearly, there had been snow that evening. And he had peed "The Prince sucks Timbuktu Dick.. Love, Hubris". Psoriasis Peckerash had witnessed this egregious breach of silence and secrecy, but had remained quiet.

As the police cuffed Hubris Michelob, Psoriasis Peckerash reached into his pocket, for he too held a secret.

It was the Amulet of Yendor, baked in the fires of Mount Bean. Remembering his dream from a week past, he grasped the amulet and tore it from the pocket of his cloak. The police immediately fired their crossbows, but as the barrage of arrows flew towards Peckerash, they transformed into tasty personal pizzas, flopping limply to the master's feet. The Police stared in amazement, and the captain immediately rushed forward, turning into a pizza as well.

The police fled, and the order of timbuktu enjoyed fresh pizza, in the land of the Amish.

Until the day, when the amulet of yendor would awaken and it's true power would be realized.

[edit] Part Savanth - Two Guys, A Girl, Three Mangalores, and An Irrational Particle Accelerator

In a different time period and completely and unbelievably unrelated to anything you have thus far been reading... a smooth flat disk spins ominously through the cosmos. Within its 2 dimensional confines are three convicts from the planet Krypton. From the looks on their flat faces, they appear to be upset that this section of the Unstory has nothing to do with them.

On the planet of Mangalore, Voskil was demanding his change from the Kitten Vendor. He expected to be at least an hour late for his massage appointment because of this little inconvenience, and he was not bemused by it. Still, as the cash register failed to open for the sixteenth time, evoking sharp cries of insanity from the vendor himself, Voskil was glad that he brought his Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic along for the ride.

600 light years away on the planet of Moshmice, Annacontra Fitzhugh III paced nervously around her liquid/chair. It wasn't like Voskil to be late like this. She picked up the teleprompter and smashed it into 7 peices. She wouldn't be needing it now. She paced nervously into the kitchen and swung open the elephant/refrigerator in search of something to put in her mouth. She found a jar of Banana Butter and some avocadoes. Damn,' she thought with distain. No lemon.

Voskil had his change, finally. He strode briskly between tree branches as the whole of the Mangalorian sky stretched with furious elasticity overhead. For no particular reason, he was reminded momentarily of the huge ice pillars of Striterax just before the fifth of May. Just then 35 million lemons descended from a cloud and caught Voskil clear across the right clavicle, dislocating it severely and badly crushing his sandwiches.

Deep in the subterranean hellhole known as the Deep Subterranean Hellhole of Mangalore, Bix Blok was striding with great propensity back and forth in front of the visi-screen. His Lemon-Dispenser had worked perfectly, and now the only thing left to do was assassinate the Prime Minister of Malasia. He thought about this for a second. Seeing has he knew not what either a Prime Minister or Malasia were, it made little sense that this should be the only thing left to do. These thoughts troubled him, and they were becoming increasingly hard to ignore. That, and he was all out of dishsoap. Damn, there's another one! he thought. When is this going to stop? Just then his second in command entered the chamber.

"All is ready, your Excellency."

"Good," said Bix, "Then ready my ship."

"Yes your Excellency."

The second in command turned and bumped into a wall, spluttered, and found the door on his second attempt. Bix shook his head in disgust, his large fishy ears quivering with malnutrition. Perhaps he wasn't the only one who was losing it.

Now, it is important to note at this point that some time ago, nothing in particular actually happened. It was on this day that it didn't happen, and about three hours from now was the exact time that it didn't. Now you may be thinking, What? What has this got to do with anything? Why even bother writing that? Are you fucking nuts guy? Why don't you go stick your head up a dog's ass? Well, the answer to at least one of those questions is that my tea is ready. It's sitting right here next to me, and in a few moments I'm going to take a sip to see if it's still too hot to drink. Hm, nope, just right.

Bix Blok's timeship spun menacingly through the aeons, like an undertaker going through his daytimer. It was an immensely equipped peice of temporal transportation. The only thing that wasn't working properly (and this really got Bix's goat) was the Slurpie machine. Twenty seven years ago, when Bix was only at the ripe age of 90, a law had been passed on Mangalore that no child should be without a slurpie at any point in time. Because of this, Bix was quite used to having a slurpie now and then. But, with the machine busted, this could now never be atchieved. And it pissed him right the fuck into tomorrow. In fact, it may have been the aspertame withdrawal, but he had been severely agitated and annoyed this whole week.

An alarm wailed. He yelled at it to shut up.

It continued to wail. He got up from his pleather-lined seat in disgust and contempt and trudged overzealously to the control console to his right. Something about an incoming Laser-Guided Polar Bear coming from the Fifth Moon of Venus. He shook his head. An incoming transmission from the high council of Mangalore. Bix swiped the 'accept' panel and the message relayed.

<Bix Blok, this is the Mangalore High Command. You are at this point in time duly required to set aside all predeliction and contempt for all things considered sane, and use the full destructive power of the Random Lemon Dispenser, just to see what happens. Message Ends.>

Damn, he thought. Avocadoes.

Suddenly, Oscar Wilde walked in.

Actually he didn't. That would be silly.

Instead it was one of the three Mangalores. Had you forgotten about them?

[edit] Part Ate - Can Molke's Avacodo emulate the Amulet?

By a strange coincidence, Bix Blok's exasperation with Avacados was echoed in a lonely hospital ward by Siggy Moltke. He lay in the ward, fingering a cheap replica of the Amulet of Yendor, in the manner of prayer beads, a sorry sight. His watermelon rind was patched by numerous bandages and stitches, and felt as thin as the skin of an ovveripe Avocado. It was this that had set him thinking about the nature of Avocados, and the role they had payed in causing his collision with the red Mianus truck. As he fingered the Amulet replica, he pondered on the small pile of avocados that he had seen in the street an instant before the crash, and the effect they had had in causing the truck to lose traction on the wet street, causing the collision. He thought of Hubris Michelob, and the burning resentment that this exalted grand chieftain had against both horseradish and avocados. He also remembered that the word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate, from the Aztec word, ahuacatl, meaning "testicle". It was well-known that Hubris Michelob had an almost pathological hatred of testicles. Could it be that the accident was a grand plot to kill Siggy, destroy a pile of green testicles and upset the molybdenum and zircon futures markets, all in one swell foop?

The more he thought of this, the more obvious the aswer became, but since he relished vagueness, he immediately stopped this line of thinking, and dwelt instead on his charming girlfriend, Brenda Bodilicious, who worked as a stripper in a blue-collar nightclub, while studying at the University of Geneva to become a prison warder. As he visualised her perfect body, her pouting lips, and her predeliction for extreme bondage, he sighed. How much longer would he be confined to a sterile hospital award, away from his normal fun routine of high-risk financial trading and cutting-edge kinky sex?

Meanwhile, in a dimension of the universe almost parallel with his, Bix Blok, in an attempt to comply with the order of the Mangalore High Command, was determined to use the full destructive power of the Random Lemon Dispenser. His best efforts were somewhat hampered by his innate incompetence, and the random nature of the dispenser, but, after only 7 days and 5 nights, he had achieved the dispensation of four almost-fresh lemon skins and a small dry matini (similar to a martini, but with less "r"), which he gulped greedily. Settling back on his leather-coated hairy goatskin settee, while paging through a slim volume by Folger Bruntage (the eminent Victorian poet, who dealt mainly with the ambiguities of food additives) he fell into a doze, and dreamt of the delecable curves of Brenda Bodilicious (who was devastating enough to exist in multiple dimensions), and the remarkable ability of her nibbling teeth and darting pink tongue. As his eyes rolled back he was startled out of his skin by a shrill voice in his headset. The receptor read "Moshmice", and the voice was that of Annacontra Fitzhugh III. He adjusted his visualiser, and her image came into view as she ranted on, the image of a latex dominatrix, castigating him for omitting to remeber their anniversary. What was he to do? If only he were back in 'Nam with Alex Murphy the brick-smoking paratrooper, or watching seedy porn movies with Jackson Huffy Kitty back in Natchez, all would be well. He sighed, and drew on his cigarette. He only had a fountain pen, so drawing on the cigarette was a blotty affair, but he did the best he could. As he drew, his eyes glazed over, and he thought of the first time that he had ...

[edit] Part Nein - Random Chapter Break

... set eyes upon the bodacious Brenda, and the innumerable difficulties with his overall sexual preference that had arisen because of her. Mangalores, as you all know, reproduce asexually, and almost completely at random, so you can imagine how difficult it would be for a young Mangalore such as Bix to suddenly have the very definition of kinky, knarly, uninhibited buttsex with a member of another species thrust into the section of his brain that was normally reserved for playing tennis and torturing small animals using Nun-Chucks.

Seemingly at random, a pile of small, round, hairy, and altogether grotesque orbs of pink flesh landed with a wet thud on the back of Bix's head.

The sudden shock one experiences after being hit in the head with 54 human testicles was enough to send Bix into an immediate coma. His mind drifted, his mind floated, his mind wafted past some other minds who were pretty surprised to see him so soon, his mind generally wandered. After a while, he began to get the hang of things, and he wandered his mind in the general direction of Natchez. At least, what little memory of Natchez that Bix still retained in his thick Mangalorian memory.

"Dude, check it, she's about to turn inside out..." said Jackson, almost completely underwater and fucked up beyond all recognition from the Meth he had been snorting. Sure enough, as Bix's memory of his own eyes gazed upon the visi-screen, the purple female performer stuck full of 30-inch Amoeba penis sputtered, shook, discarded her outer skin, and folded neatly inside of herself. Jackson cheered. Bix vomitted.

A very loud and very rude alarm presented itself as a smack in the face to Bix's intoxicated mind. He squelched back into wakefulness at the sight of a huge asteroid shaped like a penis directly in the path of his timeship. In fact, not only was it existant in space but in time as well, as he could see thousands of underpaid Fanorpians mauling its surface into a more defined phallus with Retracto-Ion-Chisels. Backwards. He lept for the control panel, and upon realizing that it was the wrong control panel, he simultaneously realized that it was too late. His timeship smashed with brilliant irony into the penis-roid, sending cascades of debris into the temporal wake and thrusting Bix's mutilated mind (much to his releif) back into a state of comatose, in which he would remain for the next 752 trillion trillion years until he was found a suitable body to be reincarnated into.

But before he could realize it, his cock was frozen within the tube, and he knew he could forget orgasms and sex pleasures in life, but he also knew how delightful the pleasure of a frozen cock would bestow upon thy whore. Whew.

[edit] Part X:?

There is no Part X. There is no Project X, and it has nothing to do with aliens. There are no clones of George H. W. Bush. Understand? Good. What? You weren't talking about that? Well, never you mind about those not clones then. Come to think of it, we never cloned Elvis either. Ooh look at me I mak arthouse movies. Ooh I've got scissors for hands! Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker. No offence JD ur hot but JOHNNY WANKER. Lets clone Johnny! Go George W. Bush! Be the Decider! We won't clone you. Although the whole world hates you Bush, so go hide in a cave. Ooh, lets splice the DNA of Dubya and the Grueslayer! Although Trar and Emmzee would go crazy. And why are we speaking in first person? Why are we breaknig the Fourth wall? WHY AM I TALKING TO MYSELF? HAS THE DESERTED ISLAND WE ARE TRAPPED ON MADE ME CRAZY? AND WHERE IS MY VOLLEYBALL FRIEND???

Actually, even better: Splice the DNA of Dubya, Cheney, the Grueslayer, BENSON, DiZ, High Gen. Grue, Trar, Emmzee, Insineratehymn, a random guy, and clone the creation millions of times. <does that>

You've gone c-c-c-razy too! We are on an island. Look! A ship! AND WHERE IS MY VOLLEYBALL FREIND???

Actually, that island is an illusion, in our holding cell for clone/gene splicing insanity. For that, we shall send in one of our Dubya-Cheney-Grueslayer-BENSON-DiZ-Han-Trar-Emmzee-Insineratehymn-Random Guy clones to take you to a holding cell. And your volleyball friend is one of our clone guys. There. Now you must die.

We actually are on an island. Really. You fell off a hill on your head. You are dead. I think. you are only imagining this.

"This person is insane. Usual procedure: Exterminate." <kills main character> After all, this is Annoying Gene Splicing Cloning Lab #1, where gene-spliced clones are created for Bush for Iraq.

[edit] The End

[edit] Book 2: X Labs

The number seven decided to suddenly become tangible, boding ill for Doctor Sven. Of course, he was a clone from X Labs! But he wished he was a dark fairy from the unheavenley underworlds of Kran and then he could fly the potato salad out of the reach of the hungry lesbians and slay the emos with his never ending katchup powers. Suddenley he fell in a chasm and broke his lasagna. He sreamed as the meatsauce spilkled from his severed testical. The suddenley the majick beans came to his aid. At this point he wondered if he had been smoking pot, or crystometh when he went to the bathroom. After taking 8 hours to decide on neither he had just eatin some majick mushrooms he went for a walk and began listening to the wild apricots sign the declaration of jelly doughnuts. He left the park without his lucky dog spine and fell over a large peanut cat. He yelled profane language at the small banana and began to get turned on. HE ran home and got on the computer to look at chickens. After that he baked some onionchip cookies and slammed them down with a fifth of vodka. Then he was picked up by X Labs technicians.

[edit] Part 127900x: The raping

After many years of hiding, Joseph Stalin decided to return to the world scene, with his army of Ape-Human hybrids searching the earth for all non-communists. During his many years pretending to be dead, Stalin whiled away his hours selling candy to children, and occasionally writing a column in readers' digest. He also tried for a short while to take up a position as a superhero, but he had no redeeming heroic qualities, and so resorted to working in a Burger King where he would spit in a BigMac occasionally. Stalin's current plan was to use his army of midgets and misfits to take over the world, however there was a midget convention in South Carolina, where all the midgets convened, and where wiped out by a bomb, planted by an ex-supporter of the Bolshevik party (ironically enough). Stalin's first attempt at World Domination took place in Wales (Great Britain), where he attempted to take over the country by diplomatic means - offering many sheep to the shag-hungry Welshies - these offers were rejected however as there was a demonstration of the sheep taking place - these ravenous creatures then managed to topple Stalin and have sent him into hiding for another few years... Now nobody knows where he is!

Five years later. The year was 2342 and Jesus Black walked on the ground where there once was a great statue of his country's former leader. The former leader was a geart man. He cared about the people. But the country has been in a terrible crisis. A new leader took controll over the country. She was the one and only in charge. A cat. Jesus Black thought of the bisarr truth that an animal decided all the political and economical decitions. Miss Allmighty (as she preferd to be replied as) had put all the dogs to slavery and ate all rats. Jesus though about his rat he once had. His name was witty-winkle-tinkle. But one day the goverment came and took him.

[edit] Part 9 + 2: The Remembered

Jacob ran triumphantly to the candy store with a was of cash in his hand. Suddenly, without warning, out of the blue, from thin air, surprising everyone, nothing happened. As he entered the store, Jacob realized something was wrong. Very kinda wrong. Not only was there only one cactus behind the register, but there were several cops in the store. One of them noticed Jacob coming in, and walked over to him. "Good morning. My name is Sargeant Tnaegras. Yesterday, someone stole something from this place. Do you know anything about it?"

Jacob said, "I don't know. What did they take?"

Sargeant Tneagras responded, "It's that tool that plumbers use. Oh, what's the name of that thing...?"

"You mean a plunger?"

The police officer yelled out, "WTF how'd you know!?! You're under arrest, you nerdy maggot." He then took out his hockey stick and smacked him across the head.

[edit] The Slammer

Jacob woke up inside a cell with the Iron Man song blaring on the loudspeakers. "Holy carrier pigeons and anti-lock brakes!" he exclaimed. Then he noticed he had a cellmate. Two, actually. Just kidding. There was three.

One was Bob, the French-Canadian Italian from Brazil (born in Mongolia) hailed from Egypt. The second one was named Hubert. He was a ninja. Before the Vietnam War, of course. The third person was Claire. Claire Voyant. She invented teen spirit.

[edit] The Inconvenience Store

Meanwhile, at the local 11-11, a lumberjack was hacking his way through an astronomically small number of zombies. But he couldn't handle them all, and was backed into the corner. He gave one last mighty swing with his rusty chainsaw. He cut through the wall, which just happened to share the wall with the cell that our semi-hero was in. The lumberjack entered, then helped the others escape. Oh, and the zombies were no more.

The End, or just the beginning? For Jacob now had a wondrous idea. What if he and Bob and Hubert and Claire could interest the lumberjack into forming a superheroes group with them? No telling what they might eat. So then your mom sqiushed them all to end the story.

THE END

OR NOT

Hmm... that didn't seem to work. Something must be wrong...

• clang*

Uh-oh. OMFGZORZ! ELTHEWORLDISGONNADIES4NORZNBCUZYOUCLANGEDIT!!!! WHYAMIWRITINGTHIS????!!!!

7|-|3 570|2Y |\/||_|57 |\|0\/\/ [0|\|71|\||_|3 1|\| 1337....!!!11

The Unstory is lol rofl

Personally, I hate beef. Too chewy, you see. Alas, some think the texture contributes to its overwhelming taste of prosperity. Have you heard the story of the cow? It started with the ancient, ancient God of Woc. He was very vengeful, but had a heart of polyester. It needed cleaning regularly. I was his washlady, you see. One day, he decided to make one of his faeces turn into something entertaining; productive. He made a cow, creatively named. But the cow was too intelligent, and the Prime Minister at the time(HDK)decided that being outsmarted by this creature was just stepping over the line. It was put down. But suddenly, when Woc thought all hope was lost with his creation, an idea popped into his head. He started war. In conclusion the war was named War of the Cows, AKA World War One (WW1). Great times.

[edit] The Afterlife

And so it was that all the characters in this story traveled in a boat to the afterlife with a lantern in the middle to let you see. They went through many waters and finally ended up in heaven. Although this was not normal heaven they happened to end up in iguana heaven which was the equivalent of human hell!! There was iguanas everywhere peeing and pooping and squirting thier pee through thier mouth and ears (for it is well known that iguanas have always dreamed of peeing through thier mouth and ears) and then the humans decided they could use this to their advantage. The Humans challenged the iguanas to a contest to see who could go the longest without excreting waste. If the Humans won, the iguanas would have to leave iguana heaven and live in Sunderland but if the iguanas won, the humans would have to eat their waste. After 4 months one of the iguanas called Job-Job could not resist any longer and had a poo on the Lumberjack. It seemed as though everything was perfect in the now-named 'Human Heaven' until 2 years later it was revealed that the iguanas had formed an army of zombies to attack the humans. Luckily, The humans managed to build an impentrable fortress to protect themselves until they could figure out how to get rid of the iguanas. However, they didn't realize that a traitor must have let the iguanas into human heaven, and that person would let them into the fortress! The iguanas flooded the fortress attacking the humans and forcing them to leave human heaven and go back to earth as zombies. Angry at this they attacked anyone on Earth they saw.

[edit] Banana Man, Saviour of the World

Obviously, the humans were not very happy with being on Earth as zombies. But they were doomed... I mean they had no chance in hell of beating the crazy iguanas. But somehow one of the humans got stuck in a heaven that no one had heard of before... Banana heaven. I know what your thinking, 'Just some stupid place with random banana's as big as the ceiling with purple streaks and triple nos injection floating around'. Well that is pretty muuch what it was. And in the midst of all the random banana floaty purple streaked triple nos injection things there was a man. BANANA MAN. He loaded his banana guns with that weird squigee stuff that you get from bananas that are way too old and and shoved a couple of browning banana bombs in his pants like little kids do when they're playing cowboys and indians, and said 'It's Banana time' like on some stupid stereotype american action movie. Then he jumped in his Purple streaked, triple nos injected banana ship and zoomed through space and time until he got to Earth. 'Wowaweewawowza' he said when he saw the zombies. He shot a couple of them and they turned into humans again with banana guns. Soon the zombies were all human again.

[edit] The Iguanas Strike back

The iguanas were unhappy at this development but they could not go to war with the humans while Banana Man was protecting them so they concocted a devious plan. The Iguana's emporor capture Banana Women and, after raping her several times, told Banana Man to give up his powers or the iguanas would eat her. Immediatley Banana Man jumped in his banana ship and zoomed up to Iguana heaven and saved Banana Women, but it turned out to be an Ausralian lookalike. While Banana Man was saving her, the iguanas had took over Earth and destroyed all bananas so the Banana Man had no powers and the Iguanas ruled Earth. The humans pleaded with Banana man to help him and they all offered to have sex with him, even the men. Banana Man said he would help and had intense sex with each woman once and ****ed each man countless times, often making their arseholes bleed, Banana Man admitted he could not help unless they got him bananas. After long search the Humans finally found some bananas only to find out Banana man had died because of not having enough bananas. The End is not over yet, the journey continues.

[edit] But Then Came the FSM

The humans were in serious trouble, with the iguana army drawing closer every second and everyone already being tired after ***king the late Banana Man. It seemed like they were all out of luck, but then a presence arose. First the Pastafarians felt it, then the pirates realized soon after. It was the Flying Spaghetti Monster here to save the day! The great god of all Pastafarians, with the ability to become invisible, easily phase through solid objects, and totally mess stuff up with just one touch of His Noodly Appendage, came in defense of the humans. He reached out His noodly appendage and with several loud *CRACK!*'s, all of the iguanas' heads exploded. The humans were done with the war and able to return to the iguana heaven that was now their own, and buffed with a beer volcanoe and stripper factory, and live in peace and happiness forever.

[edit] The FSM Betrayal

the flying spaghetti monster went mad with power and decided it liked killing things so went to Iguana Heaven and started crushing humans. the gecko man was not happy with this and whipped the flying spaghetti monster with a vending machine vending machine on a rope and your mum laughed at the gecko man. then he pooed on her. then some Italian guy came up to him. he eats babies.

[edit] The Monkey Man

There once was a little boy named Johnny who ate the little rat. Soon Johnny walked through the forest where he saw the little monkey man who had 6 monkeys in his present. Soon johnny said why do u eat the arrangotangs. he said he wants to grow a big scabula. The monkey ate the cheese and Will and Zach came out from the sky.

[edit] What Best friends do for each other

one day while tony was in italy will had an hypothosys. he would need to visit him from his home town of Iraq, Maine. will's family was very poor, they only had one mini yacht and a three story house, so will was in a dylenma to get to italy. He decided to look around/steal his parents money. he ended up with a 1997 chucky cheese token from 1994 and $5 to cinemagic. but he eventually got to italy

the problem was, tony and his dad wine testing, heavily accented dad, marizio had already left teh small mountain village of Iuretig (a one bedroom appartment in the hills). on the way back, marizio saw a man throwing wine out of the planes open window/door. marizio came up to him intending on tussling, but saw it was will's dad. he made quick of him seeing as marizio is in the mafia.

the plane ride eventually made it to Iraq, Maine and tony and will had hot sex, not with each other, with themsleves? sexxxiiiii????!!!!!!1

after twenty minutes of sitting around, they decided to go for a hike up in the mountains, making sure to go around all the tanks and U.S. soldiers havign gay sex in tents.

when they got up the mountains they found a clear cut path with patches of marijuana growing and decided to snowboard down the iraqi mountains and see what they could buy in eastern europe, seeing as the mountains lead there.

will still had his 1997 chucky cheese token from 1994 and $5 to cinemagic. so they decided to buy a house and have a few kids. after accessing his bank account, tony withdrew all $13.83 and decided to buy all of eastern europe and 400 square feet of russia. and sold it to teh U.S. in extange for creative labs (the makers of The Zen), and an agreement to sell maine to quebec, and 14 1/2 beautiful woman on their own virgin island (although it wont be a virgin island any longer.)

tony needed to pay his $50 dollar cell phone bill though, so marizio, who suddenly appeared/dissappeared, made quick of him too, seeign as hes in teh mafia

since they accedentially sold their house and kids to teh U.S. and the mexican factories that come with it, they had to have new kids.

but tony was infertile...

The Ennnddddd????!!!!!!1

no, it turns out will knocked up beautiful woman #8, and had tony's kid for them

The Ennnddddd????!!!!!!1

yes, after having 62 kids with 20 different people, man or woman, will died of being a poser for 8 years too many

[edit] this guy doesnt know how to make her own section so i had to do it for him

As soon as the young man had exploded his hilariously obese head, the world which he knew suddenly changed around him. Tiny microscopic pieces of bobba (delightfully delicious snacks) started flooding down from the approaching avalanche. 'Run!' A voice sounded from below. But it was too late. He had died 10 years ago, in a jug, you fool. Do not feel his pain, as the luddats(another delightfully delicious snack)have already done so, and well, you don't hear of them anymore.

Suddenly, he woke up. Where was he? His rather large head was throbbing with the aftermath of a beating. But, strangely enough, he begun to laugh. His head was affected, you see, and he now had the mind of a two year old. 'I like yassz! Givet!' He yelled to the oncoming traffic. They gave him concerning looks, but accepted his behaviour as normal. They then started to act like him. That day, the world died, when suddenly a voice yelled, ' I am gigi357@hotmail.com!' Everyone awoke, pleasantly surprised. That voice woke everyone up! Hooray!

The moral is to love God.

[edit] Part... What part is this again?

In a dimension far far faaaaaar FAAAAAAAAAAAAR *brick'd*

Er, ahem, welll...

In a dimension far far *braces self* Away, there lived a man who was blue. Now, I'm not talking about the emotion. He was actually blue. What was his name? It was Roy Keane, a leprachaun who thinks he is hard. As hard as his mother during exams and fish sales. She was a lovely mother who would kiss her own children in the ass... IN the ass.

The camera man immediately puts down his donut and licks the leprachaun. Then he realized what he did was sinful, and therefore decided to punish himself using a dildo violently, thrusting it into his abdomen screaming, "There stains a thousand weaknesses!" He was two men in one, blue and red, engorged and violent, saddened and solid.

He grew to a height a hundred times higher than man has ever known and died, his corpse draping itself over the buildings and dripping refuse from every pore. It was really freaking gross. Just goop everywhere. Everyone was all, "WTF?" but no one really knew cause this weird guy just grew really big and toppled and stuff. They chalked it up to the heroin. His cock just sort of dangled in the middle of town for a while, which was really awkward because it sort of blocked a door to a big business building so all these business-types had to touch a giant dudes cock to get to work. It was pretty sweet/funny.

Ten ninjas watched from cliffs around the town. FNORD! The ninjae plotted for vengeance upon the town, thanks in part to them being killable, and so, the ninjae began to plot. But, several nanoseconds before they could take action upon the poor civilization, the voice of the Great Editors spoke; "Begone, cliches of the underworld!" And there was a giant lightning explosion, and the ninjae died. Very quickly.

...

Extremely quickly, actually.

[edit] Part 12 OR IS IT?

Bob woke up and realised the Ninjas and Roy Keane were all a dream when suddenly a giant Kitten huffer jumped onto his roof crushing his house and leaving him trapped underneath a pile of rubble. Mike saw a cat, and spoofed it to sve his arse. One may not know this, but Joseph Stalin ate ate a cat before, and destroyed it well.

Suddenly, Bob's phone rang.

"Hello?" he said without answering the phone. It waited for a little while and eventually flopped open on its own so he could talk.

"It's Al Roker!" the voice called. "Sassy robot butlers have kidnapped the president! Are you a bad enough dude to save him?!?!?!?!?!"

Bob hung up and went outside and started crying.

"Don't cry," said the trees.

"But you're on fire and I'm dying of lung cancer!" shouted Bob. he slammed his fists on the ground and a great fissure erupted from which arose Satan.

"Uh, hey," said Satan.

"What are you doing here?" said Bob.

Satan grabbed Bob and flew with him across the universe to the Proxima galaxy where they made sweet love for many days.They knew it was wrong, but it felt, so, so right. They made sweet ass love until eventually, the stars burned out and Tupac travelled back in time to get them.

"WTF, it's Tupac," said Bob.

"OMG, THE INTERNET IS IN TROUBLE IN THE FUTURE! THEY'S GON' DELETES MINE ALBUMS, THOU SICK NOOB!!!" shouted Tupac, who was clearly drunk on bourbon and kittens. Tupac grabbed Satan and Bob and took them to the future, which was apparently ruled by the Disco Danger Squad and had been transformed into a giant electro-rock dance floor filled with homos and fags and queers.

"Meh." said Bob. "Faggish."

Leaving Satan and Tupac happily roboting with their fellow faggish friends, Bob left the dance floor and walked back out into the future...

...straight into a moving bus.

"WOAH!!" Bob screamed, jolting up in bed and hitting his unfortunatly mis-shapen head on the wall.

"Godammit...this has to stop."

A doctor's appointment later that day, showed Bob to have nightmarish hullababasin co-co-gavershun. A very serious disease. Fearing for his life, poor little Bob decided to go and grab a kebab. Ironic i know - but the worry that he may never have the opportunity again was far too overwhelming.

It was then that Bob saw it - a GIANT stapler, stapling the city of Moe. Bob grew scared. "Only a hero can save us now..."

It was then at that moment, arised a new hero...

[edit] The Magnificent Adventures of Phoenix! The Sexiest Wonder of the World

Nobody saw where this dude came from. He came out of nowhere. Just popped out of the sky like an extremely small baby out of a...well...you know where babies come from. He flew down and observed the current events.

STAPLE! The giant stapler had got it's first victim. A man had just started pooping in a public toilet when the giant stapler (now named STAPLOR because the author of can't be bothered writing "the giant stapler" fifty million times) stpled down the door of the toilet. The man hadn't finished and didn't realised that he was about to meet his doom. After he didn't wash his hands, he tried to open the door. "Hey...what the? Why won't this..no!! Nooo!!! Oh my god! Let me out!! Even I can't cope with the smell of my own...wait a minute...what's that coming out of the toilet? Aahhh!!!!" The man collapsed and suffocated to death.

Infuriated, Phoenix flew down and grabbed Staplor's tail (staplers have tails?) and swung him around and let go. Staplor flew across the 3 continents and landed back in the same place he was thrown from. "Godammit." said Phoenix.

Phoenix then picked up Staplor and fired his Ray Charles Ray at him. The ray blinded Staplor, Staplor walked around aimlessly and then fell into a giant pit of Paris Hilton's Misery, which he drowned in immediately.

The war had been won, just at that moment, the author realised that his addition to Unstory was pretty gay, he then killed himself.

The End...or is it?

Yes it is...The End!

Actually i lied ninja chris came all the way from hartlepool just to throw a uncyclo-bomb at me because i lied. i like rape in my sandwiches. once upon a time there was RAPE!

[edit] Or is it?

This rape was so disgusting, that even Robert Gates would be aghast with dismay! Then, Bush happened to walk in and say: "Can I ride the pony too?" Unfortunately for Bush, there was no room left for him, so he ended up just making a huge mess. That his aides then cleaned up...

Afterwords, some commies walked into the White House yelling about something or another that has to do with TYATU and addicted, which coincidentally, is exactly why I try really hard to be funny, yet no one ever thinks that I am funny, otherwise, SOMEONE WOULD'VE CARED YEARS AGO!

Then this rapist, known as Jimmy, got up from his horrid raping and ran directly at the president, and then started to hump the president, for Jimmy loved the president so! Unfortunately for Jimmy, a SS agent noticed this behavior and then Jimmy got kicked out of the White House. Jimmy then walked down Broadway to get a hot dog and watch a Shakespearian play on the famous limelight. Too bad Jimmy has a bad sense of direction!

However, there was a much more horrible rape in just the other room. Satan had arrived to speak with Bush about Iraq (Actually, he was just there to take his soul), and noticed Monica Lewinsky sobbing in the next room. He put on a leather condom and began to smash his twelve foot long, eight foot wide penis into her vagina so hard that her innards came out through her mouth. That the presidential aides then had to clean up and then they died because the remains tainted with evil. The Funeral for them was Brief and Interrupted by Satan, who then killed all the remaining presidential aides, leaving Bush Vunerable...

[edit] Adventures in Malmkoping

Big Sven walked down the cobblestone lane of Malmkoping, laughing his big laugh. "Morning, Mr. Durgen," he said, although it was in Swedish and muffled by his unkempt mustache, the unchewed contents of which might feed a small child. He tipped an imaginary hat -- as if his wild locks could ever be contained by a piece of cloth, a strong felt backing notwithstanding -- and winked a big wink.

Mr. Durgen ignored him, as always.

Big Sven continued on his way, laughing his big laugh, calling out his morning greetings, and being ignored. He wasn't sure why he was ignored. Maybe it was the Broom Incident ten years back that left most of the clergy paralyzed, or perhaps it was the time he had accidentally drowned the baker's horse. Surely it couldn't be the tragic yet funny Kitten Fire! Still, he wouldn't let it get him down.

After a while he spied Ana and young Isak sitting on a bench in the pasture below, an open jar of blueberry jam next to them. Ana, 12 years older than Isak and more experienced in the ways of life -- after all, she had once traveled with her grandmother to Gavleborg, five kilometers distant -- had her hand down the backside of Isak's britches and was making him squirm in a way that didn't seem entirely unpleasant.

"Ha ha!" laughed Big Sven, his big voice carrying over the village. "That explains the stains on his britches!" he said, referring to persistent gossip regarding the boy's skid marks.

A thin sheet of metallic roofing, incorrectly attached by the local representative of the Roofer's Union, slid off Mrs. Vasternorn's house. She was teaching school at the time and wouldn't know of it for hours, at which time it would be too late to fix and she would have to stay with her sister whose husband occasionally slipped into her room in the middle of the night for some, as she called it, hot monkey love. The roofing slid quietly through the cool mountain air, its silvery surface streaked red as it cut off Big Sven's head, sending the head cascading down the hill.

Ana licked the jam off her middle finger as Big Sven's head bounced past and looked at her brother. "I guess Big Sven won't be laughing his big laugh any more."

Isak and Ana walked up the hill to Big Sven's corpse. Isak prodded it with his boot; a small mouse ran out from his shirt pocket, already covered in red goo.

"What's this?" Isak asked, plucking a package from Big Sven's back pocket. He carefully opened the package and showed it to his sister. "Looks like flour." He frowned. "I'll bet he stole it from Mr. Joran." It was well known that Big Sven and Mr. Joran didn't get along after Big Sven had drowned his horse after a day of drunken jousting. Horses, it seems, couldn't swim well when drunk.

Isak looked