Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Kurgan/Bill Elliott
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[edit] Bill Elliott
Rewrite of the Bill Elliott page that was deleted a few weeks ago. Please tell me what i need to do to make this a better page before I move it into the mainspace.
Kurgan 20:57, 9 February 2008 (UTC)
| Humo(u)r: | 1 | The article is killed in the first line, when it states "born 1337". Sorry, that just isn't funny, can one who was born in 1337 still live presently? No, that said, that line is in violation of one of the lines from HTBFANJS which states "The truth is usually funnier than nonsense. The funniest pages are those closest to the truth." Upon further reading, I noticed the overuse of 1337 jokes, and sad to say, not a single one of those jokes were funny. I advise removing them. The next few sentences in that paragraph seemed to be factual to me and even if they aren't factual, are just lacking in humour. The "He is famous for winning races in his own "Awesome Billmobile" in which he can do whatever he wants, both to the car and to others on the track" line... meh, doing whatever he wants is nonsensical. Remember the line about truth being funnier than outright nonsense? What I advise doing is making the article somewhat realistic instead of being complete bogus. If you have trobule doing this, it is best to read a couple articles listed here.
The next paragraph states has a line with the phrases "really started kicking ass" and "immortal, badass". These are ranty and not funny. I suggest removing the rants, they only make the article worse. This also overuses "Awesome Bill", it gets boring. State it only one or twice. In the 5th paragraph, I liked the “Snakes on a Race Car” line. It needs more though, you should expand upon that and make it really interesting. In that paragraph along with the next, the retirement part isn't interesting nor funny. The Cult Hero Status paragraph isn't funny. When I saw "Barack Obama", I thought I'd be in for something interesting, but I was wrong. That joke along with the rest of the paragraph should be removed from the article as it adds little. The "True Facts about Bill Elliott" is terribly listy, not funny, and it was very boring. It's best to read UN:LIST when writing lists to see what makes a list good and bad. The next section, ouch! Yet more 1337 jokes. As I said earlier, remove them. I am suggesting a rewrite. Remove the stuff that isn't funny and expand on the lines that cry for potential such as the “Snakes on a Race Car” line. Another idea would be him involved a car crash, that might be really interesting if written well. Include ideas of your own, just ask youself "is this funny"? |
| Concept: | 1 | The concept of NASCAR is rather weak and a lot of the articles in the category have been deleted, but that in no way prevents it from being good. |
| Prose and Formatting: | 2 | This article is need in proofreading. List {{Proofread}} on your article for a member of the Proofreading Service to proofread your article. Additionally, this article has an awful lot of red links and they should be removed.
On a positive note however, this article does have headers, properly formatted images and has some blue links. |
| Images: | 4 | There's only one image. The image is not bad, I actually liked the image along with the caption, there just needs to be more images. Perhaps a picture of Bill Elliott and him racing would be a good idea for additional images. |
| Miscellaneous: | 2 | Answering your question, I think this needs to stay in the userspace still until this article is rewritten. |
| Final Score: | 10 | So, let's recap. Jokes that don't add to the article (like 1337 jokes and several others) should be removed. Instead, expand on the jokes that have potential (like the Snakes on a Race Car joke). Red links should be removed and the article needs proofreading. Add a few images and hopefully, this will be mainspaceable. This has the potential - good luck. |
| Reviewer: | -- 23:46, 9 February 2008 (UTC) | |
