The common unicorn (Equus monoclonius) is a quadruped terrestrial horse-like animal with four legs, one humongous screw-like horn on its forehead, and great sharp teeth. If you cut a Multicorn in half, you get a Unicorn. If you cut a unicorn in half, you get a bloody mess. All unicorns must die! (Also note, do not anger a unicorn, they may try to headbutt you).
[edit] Origin of the name, leading to a particularly weak pun
This function was first observed among the Italian children's choirs,
especially the castrati, who respected the adage that form follows function. They named it the "Eunuch-horn." When this animal was first discovered it was widely used in such manner giving birth to a unique kind of porn. From this fact the animal was named "unic(que) (p)orn" (hehe, get it?!?!?).
When Pamela Anderson was fisting herself one day, the animal walked past and she replaced her fist with it's horn and as she orgasmed she screamed
"Unicorn! Unicorn!" She then walked down the road a way and let a large boy with dreadlocks fuck her against a tree.
Its name is sometimes believed to have come from the fact that all unicorns are born with one corn on their hoof, and they tend to be eunuches.
[edit] Creation of the Unicorn
The unicorn was one of the first living things on the planet. As you can see from the name uni-corn, it evolved around a single piece of corn. The single piece of corn then reproduced with its self creating more, but this was not not a "unicorn" but a multicorn, soon there were hundreds of these bits of corn, and they formed together to creat the UNICORN!
The unicorn was created on Thursday afternoon by God as a follow-up on the failed and woefully-inadequate Pegasus 4004BCE model. The standard unicorn features genuine-leather ergonomic bucket seats, air conditioning, moon-roof, all-weather hoofs that provide superior traction on grassy surfaces, turbo concorde jet engines and affordably low monthly payments; whereas the pegasus, in comparison, just stands there stupidly and dumps huge piles of smelly horse shit. Gorgeous chicks just love guys who are savvy enough to own a Unicorn; so why not "C'mon down!" and trade in your worthless broken-down pegasus for a brand new Unicorn today at your friendly neighborhood Unicorn World? Long story short: Unicorns are far superior to Pegasi. Also called Pegasissies.
An alternate theory of the creation of the unicorn for those evolutionists suggests that a narwhal and a horse totally got down with each other. Ohhh yeahh.
[edit] Distribution
Unicorns are widely distributed on every continent, including Antarctica and Euthanasia. They are often seen by the millions in vast thundering herds, viciously trampling and skewering anything and everything that have the misfortune of getting in their way. Sometimes also seen at Creationism parties. The unicorn is the official national symbol of the hidden realm of Euthanasia, which has the largest population of unicorns in the world. The Euthanasian banner even has a unicorn somewhere on it.
[edit] Domestication
Individual unicorns are quite docile in temperament, and they make great pets for young children and the elderly, provided that they are continuously fed with large quantities of their favourite foods, such as bratwurst, anchovies, and live kittens. Also, it is a well-known fact that unicorns love to impale naughty children with their magical horns and suck out their intestines so much like spaghetti. They then trample upon the bodies until they are nothing but bloody corpses, thus making a prime example of them.
Unicorns who have not been domesticated are glossy-eyed rape machines who will rape you with their vile horn. Stay the fuck away from them.
[edit] Foodstuff
Domesticated unicorns have been raised for food from the beginning of time. Whole roasted unicorns (sautéed in brandy) are a perennial favourite in most classy restaurants. Many fast-food franchises offer grilled unicorn on a bun with extra cheese, unicorn-flavoured carbonated beverages, and frozen unicorn's-milk desserts. Also, unicorn testicles remain a popular delicacy in positively weird countries like Japan, Thailand, Luxembourg, and Canada.
[edit] Unicorn World
In 1903, Al Gore invented Unicorn World, a state where everything is truly possible -i.e., the one place in the universe where we dare to dream to the fullest extent. He later renamed it the Uninet. For example, In Unicorn World, many people are rich, famous and married to John Gotti (the little one, not the dead one). This is also where the great tennis players are born. It has been prophesied by the unicorns that Uninet and Euthanasia shall one day merge into one, Unitanasia, and that it shall become the one true superpower of the 4th millennium.
[edit] Attraction to virgins
It has often been said that unicorns are attracted to Max Donnelly. I mean, who isn't? In 1978, the Rand Corporation decided to finally determine the truth of that statement. Unfortunately, no virgins could be found for the study.
It is theorized by some that unicorns aren't actually attracted to virgins so much as they are particularly violent towards non-virgins. This is said to account for their low numbers, as this quality was also expressed towards members of their own species, resulting in many a "unibortion". This theory is said to tie in with the Unicorn Holocaust (see below).
Unicorn's are actually attracted to 8 year old gay boys named Shannon. The most popular names for unicorns are Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise.
[edit] Unicorn horn
Unicorn horn, commonly referred to as Uyi Nee Hoo Ne in Chinese medications, has been used in treating many disorders, but is notably used in the treatment and prevention of cases of incompetence. It also refers to a state of excitement not usually seen this side of Alpha Centauri. On an interesting note, if you polish a unicorn's horn, it squirts out magical "unicorn mayonnaise".
This "unicorn mayonnaise" is a byproduct of the unicorn's sperm. Uni's can reproduce in two different ways, the regular ordinary way with the humping, but their real favourite is ramming that sharped pointed horn up each others arses.
On another interesting note, Unicorn mayonnaisse is considered quite a delicacy in Eastern Russia, where restuarant owners send teams of highly skilled "sauce collectors" out into the night to "farm" the substance from unsuspecting sleeping unicorns. A popular serving suggestion is to drizzle a little on hot dog made using bavarian cat meat. Side effects include nausea, loss of interest in life, and general self-loathing.
[edit] Unicorn droppings
For thousands of years, people believed that the single horn of the unicorn offered a number of positive and medicinal effects; but what is less known is the magical power of the animal’s scat. Those brave few that own actual unicorn wastes have found themselves in the best of all possible worlds, good fortune, and dreams made real, with a rapid increase in dial tone and personal charm, all the result of a strict diet of rainbows and pure love! A rare collection of unicorn turds are keep at The Center for Fantasticalogical Studies at the Robert Joseph Bell Institute for the Advancement of the Future, in Houston, Texas.
- Please note: Under further scientific examination, the scat may be mistaken for house cat droppings coated in glitter and and little choc chips . This happens because scientists are notorious "unbelievers" and their reactionary negative energy destroys any actual magic upon close scrutiny!C'mon man, have some magic Belief! Also a delicacy in France! Magnifico!!! Wait, is that Italian?
[edit] Mayonnaise
Or more accurately, Magical Unicorn Mayonnaise, is said to appear after violently pumping the unicorn's horn. It makes a damn good sandwich.
[edit] Seriously
In 1876, this fully-formed fossilized unicorn was discovered in pre-flood Cambrian strata, thereby disproving the Theory of
Evolutionism once and for all.
You may also be interested to know that the modern day rhinoceros is said to be a descendant of the unicorn that actually existed a boring amount of time ago. Then again, you might not be interested to know that at all. You may also want to know that unicorn vagina is the most stable element in the world, and also tastes of cotton candy. But if you eat it, you will die horribly, so don't fucking don't do it.
[edit] Forgotten by Noah
The original pair of unicorns was left out in the rain by Noah in 2525 BCE. Most modern historians believe Noah was jealous at how much his wife seemed to like the unicorn Ark. However, the unicorns were able to survive by eating dead flounders. History States that half of the time they floated on a dead cows carcasses.
[edit] Unicorn Holocaust
In the 1930s, while attending a Nazi Camping Jamboree, a young Adolf Hitler tried to impress his comrades with stories of his amazing sexual prowess. Awed, they lauded Hitler, even declaring him to be The Uberrist Menschen In The Hizzy. This revelry was interrupted, however, by a renegade band of unicorns that came across the young campers. Enticed by their saucy virginal loins, the unicorns brutally sodomized all of the campers, with the sole exception of Hitler, who had never made it past second base anyway. Years later, when experimenting with a Ouija board, Hitler's former camping buddies taunted him mercilessly, making various lewd comments about his weinershnitzel. Enraged and embarrassed, Hitler ordered that all unicorn-kind be exterminated and made into glockenspiels. Fortunately for unicorns everywhere, the monstrous plan was indefinitely shelved in 1944, when Hitler finally found true love with his pet chihuahua, Eva Braun.
If you evar come across a unicorn named Zeon Birthquake run... for your life.
[edit] Friends of unicorns
The following have been observed to coexist peacefully in the presence of unicorns, sometimes even in a symbiotic relationship:
[edit] Bane of Unicorns
“I hate you.”
~ Neil Diamond on Unicorns
“I hate you, too.”
~ Alden Ginger on Unicorns
“I hate unicorns. I'd not renounce them if one of 'em stuck its horn in my rear--”
~ Jerry Seinfeld on Unicorns, until he got one's horn up his rear end, he then went on to say that he loved unicorns, and wished to become one. He then bowed before A Unicorn of VC http://vcclan.smfforfree4.com/index.php
The following are the only known natural enemies of unicorns:
[edit] The True Story: Unicorns and Pegasi
Unicorn enthusiasts are becoming increasingly disgruntled as of late due to the growing opinion of the masses that unicorns are actually not the same thing as Pegasi. Like seriously, they are. Take for instance the coloring of said majestic beasts. Unicorns are primarily white and various shades of pink depending on rank (darker pink represents higher ranking unicorns in their delightful socitey). The pegasus is also a white creature. Clearly they are the same. Of course many skeptics will mention the solitary horn atop every unicorn's head, and the fact that it is lacking on pegasi. This doesn't matter. Also, some say if unicorns and pegaz0rz were the same then unicorns would have wings like their pega-brothers. NO. Not true. And as I have now proved beyond all reasonable doubt that both the unicorn and the pegasus are very different from marauding centaurs I will leave. Peace.
[edit] See also
|
