United Parcel Service
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Under Paid Slaves (popularly known as UPS[1]) is a parcel-dropping service based in the United States of America. UPS controls roughly 80% of the lucrative parcel dropping and damaging market.
Contents |
[edit] Goals
The main goal of UPS is to deliver your parcel under one of the following terms:
- When your doorbell is broken.
- While you are in the bathtub, shower, or making love (or, more likely in your case, while masturbating to Jem reruns).
- Whenever you aren't home
- After 7 p.m., when it's something you need for a 5 p.m. meeting with your gay lover.
- Four hours after the pre-determined delivery time
- Four days after the pre-determined delivery date
- Four miles from your house
- Never
- After you die.
- Beat to hell by the teenagers they hire to load/unload them on trucks.
- The nano-second your ass cheeks touch the toilet seat after eating a large Mexican meal.
- In a box thats been crushed by Rosie 'I Can't Believe she's not butter' O'Donnell.
- With the word DILDO stamped on the box, when your parole officer has arrived for an unscheduled interview.
Foreign customers can generally expect a brokerage fee of approximately the package's weight in gold before/if (see above), they receive their package
[edit] Parcel Tracking
Parcel tracking is a method of letting the customer know how far lost their package is.
The tracking of the package can be accomplished by two methods both using a tracking number, which is a series of bizarre letters, numbers and symbols that all sound or look alike, and actually have no meaning, being selected by an advanced nonsensical algorithim.
Tracking can be done through the website or over the phone with a customer representative. When using the website all inquires that are not being incorrectly routed or that are not lost will bring up a page screen that says the tracking number is invalid and that you can call some long disconnected number.
If you do manage to reach a working number and the offices are still open you will be placed on hold and a pre-recorded voice will tell you to use the web-site. This will be repeated every thirty seconds until you hang up. If the pre-recorded voice is taking a union-issued mandatory coffee break you will speak with a human being.
When giving your tracking number for the 14th time the human will ask you questions simular to, but not limited to, "Did you say, 'B' or 'V?' oh ok, 'C', no 'D?' Did you say, 'Q' or 'F'? There are some cases where the package has arrived before the end of the phone call.
[edit] Delivery Truck
ITS A BLIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Front organizations
UPS has been alleged to hide behind variously-named front organisations with names varying from Mail Boxes Etc. to simply The UPS Store.
All of these appear to be a scam by which one UPS representative shows up with a box in some arbitrary condition and another UPS representative sits waiting behind a counter next to a bank of mailboxes and photocopiers to sign for this box. The actual content of the package is irrelevant; in all cases you must pay each of the two UPS people, effectively doubling profit for UPS Inc.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ a popular urban legend says "UPS" is pronounced "Oops!" due to their high rates of damaged parcels, but this is a filthy lie spread by none other than Satan.
