University of California
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| University of California | |
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| Motto | Roll the damned dice already. |
| Established | 1868 |
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| School type | Public |
| President | Gandalf |
| Location | Everywhere, California, USA |
| Campus | Beach |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | {{{endowment}}} |
| Faculty | (number of graduates)*0.10 |
| Mascot | Sauron |
A note beforehand, the University of California doesn't have supar dupar noobs teach you the meaning of life, so if you want to learn the meaning of life, learn it here.
The University of California was founded in 1868 by giant reptilian hippies from the planet Zarkon. It is the 56th State of the United States of America, and owes its economic success to the fact that it is the only state of the union to abolish private property and become a communist utopia. The university is broken up into campuses, each of which has its own strengths and weaknesses. These are summarised below. Study them carefully before choosing one.
[edit] UC Berkeley (University of Communist Bitches, formerly University of Uppity Hippies)
- Strength: 2
- Intelligence:
- Constitution: We the people...
- Dexterity: Less than the cops
- Wisdom: -3
- Charisma: 16
Berkeley is a chaotic neutral rogue/barbarian. It has a +2 Rod of Lordly Might, which comes in handy for smiting wayward hippies, however, its unstable alignment makes it dangerous to have at your back. Also, at 392% Asian-American, Berkeley is one of America's most diverse institutions of higher education. It plans on moving to China having only accepted Chinese immigrants for the fall 2007 semester; however, due to Berkeley's integration with the Internet, there are fears that the Chinese government will cast a firewall (thus igniting all the pot) around it. That would be bad.
Feats:
Improved liberal
Turn/Destroy Republican
Slippery Mind
Skill Focus: Making pot cookies
[edit] UC Davis (University of Crafty Druggies)
- Strength: 18% alcohol by volume.
- Nose: plummy, hints of oak, kiwifruit, and cut grass.
- Flavour: mildly acid with deep tannin structure.
- Mouth feel: gritty.
- Favorite Pasttime: cow tipping
Davis can be enjoyed now [citation needed], but will improve with age. It has been proven to cause cancer in fewer than 5 percent of rats. While snorted, one can play Katamari Damacy in God-mode, throwing the resulting katamari into the ocean to prevent global cooling.
[edit] UC Irvine (University of Chinese Immigrants)
- Strength: 10
- Intelligence: 20
- Dexterity: 22
- Constitution: 16
Irvine is a level 20 Elvish Wizard. It possesses the Amulet of Yendor, which grants it the power to teleport out of the Community Portal at will, but also drains 10 magic points per turn. Irvine is powerful, but beware, only one of you can leave the Portal with the Amulet.
[edit] UCLA (University for Children of Lower Achievement)
- Strength: Its ability to trick many students into applying and turning down all of them
- Weakness: Trojans
Despite this, UCLA is the finest campus of the University of California. It is in fact, the crowning jewel to the empire owned by Hugo Chavez and his gay lover, Richard Simmons/Tom Cruise. However, in a baffling paradox, most of its departments trail after the other UCs, especially Berkeley aka Commie Town.
[edit] UC Merced[es] (No explanation needed)
- Strength: ability to curl up into a little ball to defend itself from predators.
- Weakness: vulnerable to bright lights.
- Special Ability: sonar, GPS system, cup holders
Merced is well camoflaged in its own habitat, and able to endure long periods without water. If you are trapped, you can throw it at your enemies and retrieve it later. Actual existence debatable. Overall it sucks, never come here.
[edit] UC Riverside (University of College Rejects)
- Special Ability: good with children.
- Other Features: broad powerful shoulders, winning smile, manly chest.
- Height: 6 foot 2 inches
Riverside is a life-size statue of Tom Jones, carved out of dilithium crystal. It is very heavy, but of high intrinsic value, and can be exchanged for many useful goods and services.
[edit] UC San Diego (UC Scientific Dorks)
- Atomic Mass: 88.3
- Atomic Number: 45
UCSD is the second transition metal of the fifth period. It is relatively inert, but mildly radioactive, and decays back into Riverside with a half-life of 1.3 million years. Its main uses are in the tobacco industry, as a catalyst, and to coat the outer surface of Michael Jackson. It is otherwise completely useless.
[edit] UC San Francisco (UC Spirited Fags)
- Surface Temperature: 50 degrees Kelvin.
- Composition: mostly liquid hydrogen with occasional ammonia crystals and a hard rocky core.
- Weather: blustery.
To use San Francisco's gravitational field to slingshot out of the solar system, you must be travelling at between 50 and 60 kilometers per second, and able to achieve a stable orbit. Also, spirited, but butt-ugly fags abound.
[edit] UC Santa Barbara (University of Cocaine, Sex, and Booze)
- Habitat: under the bark of trees, in small crevices, and, where conditions are wet enough, the forest floor.
- Breeding: lays one pale blue egg, typically in a pile of decomposing vegetable matter.
- Call: an intense tintinnabulating drone.
UC Santa Barbara is small enough to carry around with you, but its soft body can easily be inadventently damaged. You would be well advised to store it in a rigid case. Speak to it and caress it frequently, and it will emit cooing sounds of delight. It is also known to reproduce very fast. It is the best of the UCs but kept quiet for fear of too many inhabitants. It also comes with a white albino raccoon.
- update: the albino raccoon sadly passed away in 2007. You will now find the ghost of a albino raccoon haunting campus.
[edit] UC Santa Cruz (UC Smoking Cannabis)
- Weight: 2 kilos, but seems much lighter.
- Type: Aztec Gold Label Reefer
- Shape: roughly cubical.
- Composition: a mysterious silvery metal.
- Intelligence:
UC Santa Cruz was found under the face of a retreating glacier during the golden age of Marijuana. When humans touch it, they are able to see distant things very clearly, and read the minds of others. With these visions come others - some of things long past, some of things that are yet to be - but these visions are unclear and disturbing. Frequent contact with Santa Cruz extends life far beyond its natural span, but also leaves one with unbearable longings, as if for a world that no longer exists.
Hippies leftover from University of California Berkeley's selection process often migrate to Santa Cruz in order to fulfill their dreams of becoming the next great marijuana soldier in the never ending fight against the man. The few that are able to successfully answer the bridge troll's riddles at the exit to gay mecca usually end up getting too high to remember why they left the 711 in the first place.
[edit] Phenomenological Examination of UC Santa Cruz Student Psychology and Behavior
They say such "hippi-fied" slang such as, "oh how pretty and nice, like a bong hit in the afternoon, why it's so nice, yes sir, take notice, slugs have descended upon the network webs. darkness and faint dim lights now glow in strange line formations between communication. slug migration and stability are the now the present state of the netted ether" and make you wonder whether you are the slug, or whether I am. After college they often retreat to the forest so to avoid the dangerous, much despised, and much much too real and sober "real world" which when uttered in the presence of them makes them incoherently mutter words like "work" or "social oppression" or "Foucault." Once in the forest they become part of the anarchist community, referred to by students as the annie-ville, that started in the 60s.
The Professors are all completely stoned so classes are never required and so never attended to, except for when students are low on weed and can remember the day of the week when they wake up. This crucial difference results in higher class attendance for at least a week but once the next big shipment of weed arrives in the "bartle le scrive" van of happiness, life for students regresses (or progresses) to the previous state of complete, utter, and mystifying stonyness. This stonyness state of consciousness goes on fairly consistently throughout the year, and it seems to have what santa cruz philosophers call a "gravity nugget of consciousness", named so because of the observed behavior of the attention mechanism of the brain, which when stoned perpetually lead to and insist a continual focus on all things relating to weed and not much else. Other "thought metathoughts" or "thought bookmarks" sometimes do take place, but they are generally perceived of in the context of weed.
The favorite classes at UCSC are "Phenomenology to Poststructuralism" and pretty much everything offered by the History of Consciousness department, not because the classes are necessarily better, but because the department's name is so academically slick sounding. Anything slick sounding makes student's suspicious at first, not because of it being slick, but because they're simply suspicious, in general because of what they learned in those classes. Despite their suspicions though, they nevertheless still enroll in the classes and yet still do not go, except for the first day and the last.
[edit] UC Oakland
If you are not a Raiders fan, you'll get killed...literally.
[edit] UC Suckass
Trust me, you don't want to end up here. It, for lack of a better term, sucks ass.
[edit] UC Jackson
this is not a place to bring ur young ones to!!! but the good thing is u get to suck balls in health class!!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm good!
[edit] UC Sunnydale
- Strength: Look, we all know you're going to have to transfer out in season seven, so let's make things simple and choose another campus right now, k?
Whenever you do anything at night, roll on the encounter table to see what vampire or nasty creature attacks you. On a roll of 4 on a d4 Buffy also appears. If this is season four, military vampire hunters appear on a roll of 6 on a d6. You die. You become a vampire. Go play Call of Cthulhu.
[edit] Voltron
When you have a degree from each of the UC campuses, you may combine them to form Voltron. Voltron has all of the powers of each campus, and none of the weaknesses. To form Voltron, pile your degree certificates together, and point the apex of your power crystal at them. When it begins to glow, raise your arms vertically above your head, and shout "By Gorthaur's hammer, you will be avenged!" Sometimes it's really hippie from all the contact high coming from the UC Santa Cruz-derived powers, but otherwise is pretty sweet.
At this point Voltron should appear. If he does not, go back and make sure you completed all eleven degrees. Check that you activated UCLA's berserker frenzy before level 5, that Santa Barbara is still alive, and that Irvine's amulet was not a cheap plastic imitation.
You may only form Voltron once every 500 turns. Do not do so until your need is great.
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