Universe

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The universe is kept in balance by two opposing forces

Most visible material in the universe is made up of Spam.

“The Universe is expanding. I've got fuck all proof apart from empirical evidence but it is... Honest.”

~ Stephen Hawkings on The Universe

“The Universe is big. I mean really really big. It is so hugely, vastly, mind-boggingly big...”

~ Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy on The Universe

“Oh noes!”

~ Oscar Wilde on being in the Universe

[edit] God

President and CEO (email: god@heaven.sky) --- is King Kong! Secretary: Jesus Christ (why_did_you_crucify_me_you_son_of_a_bitch?@fu.nuts)

Unfortunately contact with God's secretary is often hostile and resulting in smiting or aids.

[edit] God and the Universe

Development and Tech Support

The Chief developer is : Saint Paul (email: paul_saint@heaven.sky).

Other developers are (in alphabetical order) :

St. Andrew
St. Anger
St. Bartholomew
St. James the Greater
St. James the Lessor
St. Jerome
St. John
St. Kurt Cobain
St. Jude
Judas Iscariot
St. Matthias
St. Matthew
St. Jimi Hendrix
St. Peter
St. Philip
St. Simon
St. Thomas
Zechariah (prophet)

Bug Reports

Please mail to: satan@hell.underground

We are sorry for the loss of any unsaved work.

Other Features

For additional features, please mail the board members, at:

gabriel_archangel@heaven.sky.
michael_archangel@heaven.sky.
raphael_archangel@heaven.sky.
uriel_archangel@heaven.sky.
sariel_archangel@heaven.sky.
raguel_archangel@heaven.sky.

For smaller concerns please email the following board members:

aeinstein_relativity@heaven.sky
ldavinci_science@heaven.sky
ntesla_lighting@heaven.sky
dblaine_magic@heaven.sky.
cangel_mindfreak@heaven.sky.
hhoudini_magic@heaven.sky
jbourne_cia@heaven.sky
owilde_quotes@heaven.sky
hgwells_time@heaven.sky
jverne_future@heaven.sky
csagan_stars@heaven.sky

Or contact representatives at your nearest Holy Embassy of God or Consulate of God (alternative names: Church, Temple, Mosque, etc.)

Office Hours

Our office hours are as follows:

Sundays only from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Warning

Please do not mail to satan_archangel@heaven.sky. Satan was fired, having been caught trying to get a root shell, and is now working freelance trying to build an alternative to Heaven®, Hell®, which is still under development and does not offer all the comfort or use of Heaven®.

Public CVS repository of source code for the universe, including anonymous checkout access, is :pserver:anonymous@cvs.heaven.sky:/universe.

[edit] Universe 2.0 (beta)

Getting tired of your old outdated version?

Try our new Beta version for free, if you currently own a valid copy of Universe 1.0

What's new in Universe 2.0 (beta)

In response to the growing number of threats able to exploit security vulnerabilities in the Universe 2.0, we successfully were able to fix many of those vulnerabilities in this new version.

What You Can Expect

Hacker-proof Tech
God certified Tech
A complimentary built in Bug Reporting Tool
"The Universe for Dummies" Book by I. C. Wiener
Advanced editing tools to customize your Universe experience

[edit] Gigantiverse

The Universe is a bubble in a larger multiverse, or that is one explanation of the creation of the Universe. The multiverse, is contained within the much larger Gigantiverse. This is then inside a XBOXHUEGiverse. Un-like the the Gigantiverse the XBOXHUEGiverse might not be real. This theory was proven by such well-known and highly-respected scientists as: Wesley Crusher, Doctor Who, the X-Men, and the Fantastic Four.

The Universe-bubbles that make up the Gigantiverse are held together with duct tape. This is why space appears black. The stars are gaps where the layers of duct tape fail to properly overlap, allowing light to shine through from the Universe next to ours.

[edit] The Destruction of the Universe

Due to temporal anomalies caused by accidentally mixing Splenda with WD-40 and some funky cheese, the universe imploded in 8374. Because the speed of light is inversely proportional to the rate that the internet travels, we can still see the universe from Earth or on top of a milk crate, even though we no longer are inside the universe. In fact, Japanese scientists had recently discovered that in the coming 69 years the universe will fold itself into a paper crane. However, Chinese scienists dispute this for no reason.

The Universe has actually been destroyed once before, when the awesome gods of Heavy Metal did the most godly awesome concert of all time. This caused the Universe to literally implode because of its raw power.

For more information on what used to exist in the Universe, see Any other page.

[edit] The Definitive Theory on the Universe

Because man or woman can possibly question himself or herself (!) about what existed before the universe was created, there will always be room for more drugs and late night highly-scientific "seminars" in dorm rooms. If you don't understand the previous statement, consume more drugs until it becomes clear. If you die from the use of drugs, well then you suck, cause you will never understand this statement!

[edit] The Ham Theory Of Universal Identity

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

The Universe is shaped like a ham. The ham lattice is what holds the Universe together. The galaxies that we observe in space are made of pineapple slices which surround the universal Ham.

In the classical age, people believed the universe revolved around their feet, and documented it in the "Encyclopedia" (to cycle around one's feet). Now that the true ham shape is known, we are completely rewriting all bovine knowledge into the Uncyclopedia.

Eventually, in the near future (as a matter of fact in 2100), the ham will complete its cooking phase and be ready for consumption, at which time the universe as we know it will cease to exist. The exact method is still controversial, but we note here that cows appear to be harboring some secret information on the subject.

Star Trek is a popular cooking magazine. It shows you everything that can be known about the Universe. It teaches how to properly slice ham, too.

[edit] The Floating disk Universe Theory

Due to the force of gravity roughly equalling to 5.3MHz, the quantum flux of the optical chasm is reversed leading to a secondary super implosion resulting in emmissions of billions of doubly charged flattened electron beams that caused a universe to appear within a glass bottle. This glass bottle degraded over time, leaving the universe we see today. This is a scientific fact, although there is no actual evidence to support it. The universe is expected to be destroyed by accident in the year 2016, when John Prescott presses a wrong button after a particularly heavy night of drinking.

[edit] The Universe Is Evil Theory

The universe, as god, accidentally created itself when it pondered the thought "I wonder how it's possible for nothing to exist". This then immediately caused the universe to expand through every infinity of possibility before it could even understand what was happening. So, using some desperate maneuvering, god suppressed the infinity and brought it back to a more manageable state. He then decided to set up certain laws of physics, energy, etc. which normally didn't matter in any way because it was all infinitely interchangeable otherwise. He then erased his own memory of every having knowledge of expanding to infinity thinking that, it would be a more productive journey for existence to grow at a snails pace. Unfortunately through the eons, what god and the universe became, was now capable of realizing that having indefinite laws of physics is really very stupid, and that everything would be a lot better off if humans could fly. Karma is also a law of the universe, but it is a more subtle law that some people don't notice because they don't do enough to actually warrant karmic reaction. The universe wasn't evil at first but became more and more evil as time passed on. The more humans started making fun of gods creation the more he realized they were capable of thinking of way better laws for reality. So god then decided to listen to humans ideas and then steal them. Taking them to an alternate dimension where everything was awesome. He allowed this universe to continue existing because he figured every possible parameter of existence must have some significance in contributing to the knowledge of preference. In other words, thanks to us, god knows what not to make again.

[edit] The Strings Theory

Some believe that the Universe is made of a giant violin with 10 strings. When certain notes are played, certain stuff happens. A C3 and a G#4 played together on the giant violin causes a volcano. The strings are constantly being played. When the violin is hooked into an amp, everything happens twice due to the echo.

[edit] The Stupid Theory

A few crackpots believe that the Universe was created by a huge explosion and then by rocks blindly crashing into each other to form planets. This means that the overall meaning of the universe is "Shit Happens". The noobs who believe in this call it the The Horrendous Space Kablooie.

[edit] The Gates McFadden Theory

The Universe is a rapidly shrinking Warp Bubble created by famed physicist Wesley Crusher in which to kill his Mother, some Red Head.

[edit] The Other Theory of the Universe

"The Universe" by God, age 3.

Leading scientists claim that the universe was just dropped accidentally by a passing god. They further claim that the universe is just entering a transdimensional area they call the Great Lost and Found and that, in the end, the god that lost it will finally reclaim it. Either that or it will be pawned to some kid.

In another explanation, God is said to have taken a big dump and all the matter in the Universe was created. This theory is particularly good at explaining the amount of fucked up shit that goes on around us. In addition, leading scientists have manged to come up with equations which describe this hunk of shit rather well, since, the equations themselves are a load of bullshit.

Stoats believe that the universe is an apple which is balanced on the head of the great Hudson Leick.

The universe according to stoats

[edit] The universe has a personality untheory

This is the theory where people believe the universe is alive. Though scientist have now proved this wrong. As if the universe was created, something must have told it to get a job. This other thing would have to be a split personality of the universe. And no one wants a crazy person with power, think of a multi-personality universe with the power of the universe. Thus is an untheory.

[edit] Another Theory of the Universe

It is a sphere approximately 705 meters in diameter, inside a toaster in Bristol.

[edit] Conspiracy Theory of the Universe

“If UnBooks, UnNews, Uncyclopedia and Uncycloversity all belong to Uncyclomedia, doesn't it make sense that the UnIverse does, as well?”

~ conspiracy theorists on the Universe

Some believe that the Universe is just another branch of the mighty media empire called Uncyclomedia; the 'un-' prefix in its name, they state, is clear evidence for this. Up to this day, there is no evidence for this theory.

[edit] The Elderbot Theory

According to Cliff, the humanbot hybrid, one of the only (semi)humans to be able to communicate with the Elderbot council. According to the Elderbots, the universe is built on the back of a giant intergalactic drill sergeant training the universe troops for combat. His uniform is Obviously Teal, and the color scheme of the universe troop colonels is cyan, purple and orangite, a combination between orange and white. But not just a light orange, more of one of those "indescribable" colors that you see in the pictures these days.

[edit] The penultimate universal theory

Before the universe there was only a gap. And God doesn't like gaps. He had originally planned to use his divine powers to correct this flaw in his otherwise clean room. Unfortunately, his mother cleaned away his god-ray and before he knew it there was some sort of mould growing. This mould became the universe. It is said that God has no idea that life has formed within it. And as soon as he finds which of the infinite drawers his mother has 'filed' his god ray in we shall all be evaporated in the cleaning godly stench of god bleach.

Some say that this can be found down one of the hatches on "that island in Lost" but the show is so slow I doubt we will ever find out

[edit] The End of The Universe

Due to human nature the universe will almost certainly come to an end after someone says "What ever you do don't press that switch". This is of course very foolish; if you tell someone not to do something they will immediately do it to find out why they shouldn't have done it. It has been suggested that the warning on the "End of Universe Switch" should be extended to include "NOT EVEN TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS!". This will reduce the possibility of it being pressed by the curious, though it will do nothing to prevent it being pressed by the downright ignorant or bat fuck insane. It is not known exactly what will happen when the switch is pressed and I am sure as hell not going to press it to find out.

There are other, very boring, opinions about the end of the universe. These include:

The universe coming back together in sort of a big squish or something.
Some people think that it just will go on getting bigger until we all die of cold because it is very hard to heat a big room but we all know the universe can't be getting bigger as it contains everything there is so what could it be getting bigger into?
There is no spoon theory: This theory states that the universe is a product of our minds and when we have all died it will cease to exist, not that we will care because we will all be dead.
There is some stupid thing about the sun and all the other stars exploding at once and destroying the whole entire universe. Pshaw!!There is no chance in hell that every star in the universe will all explode at once!

The most likely effect of the end of the universe is said to be a light tingling in ones fingers, before everything that ever existed ceases to have ever existed at all. This is generally not an accepted theory as it infers that nothing will ever have existed, regardless of whether it is seen to exist now. Also, God was quoted on 'Friday night with Jonathan Ross' as saying 'I'd like to keep it short, but I've sort of dug a hole, and ending it too quickly will just mean disappointing the fans'.

It is worth noting that there is a lovely restaurant, known as Milliways, at the end of the universe.

[edit] Those who know how the Universe Was created

At some point in time God, in the guise of Mr. Rogers, knew he had to allow few people to see what really happened that created the universe. He gathered three top scientists including Buckaroo Banzai(who was the surgeon general at the time and also a top scientist in America), Albert Einstein, and Wayne Static of Static X.

By creating a wormhole with the combined power of awesomeness of Buckaroo and Wayne, God took them back in time to the Big Bang. Thus all of Einsteins theories where based on what he saw that day. The theory of relativity really had to do with Awesome X Red Sweater = Time Travel. Wayne Static was so shocked that his hair stood straight up ever since. But they have never revealed what the truth is, some say God swore them to it, he even killed Einstein because he threatened to tell how the Universe came to be. We will never know, unless somehow we are accepted by Mr. Rogers to be his neighbors, which will never happen because we would most likely die before him doing such thing.