University
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
A University is a place where young people go to learn many useful everday skills. These may include washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning, tying shoelaces and reproducing (also referred to as sex).
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[edit] History of the University System
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[edit] Humble Beginnings
Early in the Fourth Century AD, there was a large amount of boring and unnecessary people in the world, and some of the smartest saw the need for "hired goons," or assassins.
The first University, Harlem University, was set up in secret in 332 AD under the direction of the second edict of the Council of Harlem that states that all geniuses are created equal, except for the ones that are different, and must therefore become assassins. Originally, donkey farmers trained the geniuses to perform the hip dance "the bump" with their finest donkeys, but that practice was halted after everyone realized they had just misinterpreted the term "assassin."
In 451 AD, after more than 100 years of development, the University system issued its first kill order to the great assassin, Pope Leo the Great, who then killed his first "target," Alexander the Great in the first ever Battle of the Greats. After this assassination, the University system grew popular amongst those geniuses who had previously doubted it, and more Universities began popping up all around the world. All the while, however, the general population thought these Univerities were institutions of higher learning, but those who graduated guarded the truth rigorously, and all disgruntled dropouts were summarily executed to preserve the secrecy.
[edit] University Deans
In 690 AD, the Second Council of Harlem declared that the international University system needed to be governed by a single Dean. The first University Dean, Dean Wormer was named later that year, and widely considered a notorious jerk.
Every ten years, a mass congregation of University assassination experts, known as the College of Professors, selects a new University Dean. Since 1,000 AD, the College of Professors has met in an underground lair beneath the ancient city of Rochester, NY near the Dunkin Donuts on Park Street.
[edit] "Boring" Years
During the middle ages, the University system aided the Catholic Church in the assassinations of Satan Worshippers, heathens, and just about anyone who roused rabble. The number of Universities hardly grew during this time, which led the prominent Dean Da Vinci to utter his famous quote, "Borrrriinnng." It wasn't until the Eighteenth Century when the system expanded on a large scale.
[edit] 1700-1900
With the expansion of Great Britain into the planets of the Toast Constellation, so came the expansion of the University system. Roughly 1,456.79 new Universities were founded between 1700 and 1900 AD. Understandably, assassinations were running rampant.
[edit] Recent History, Neutrality, and Government Regulation
In 1939, the German President, Led Zeppelin, assimilated the Universities into the German Army, thus breaking the long-standing neutrality of these political killers. Following World War II, the Galactic Government issued secret regulations (so as to keep their true purpose, assassination, unknown to the public) to the University system with the intention of keeping it neutral and able to assassinate whomever they wanted to.
Since then, the Universities have coexisted with the rest of the world and have successfully assassinated thousands of boring and unnecessary people like Al Sharpton and Harry Potter.
[edit] Current University Dean
The current University Dean is Al Gore, elected by the College of Professors in 2000 AD. The reason he lost to George W. Bush in the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election is because the Governor of Florida was assassinated by Bill Clinton 2, who assumed the body of Jeb Bush and rigged the vote to favor George W. Bush so Al Gore could take the far more important position as University Dean.
Bill Clinton 2 is expected to be the favorite in the 2010 University Dean election.
[edit] University Motto and Slogans
[edit] Secret Motto
"Assassinatum pro Humanitate"
English translation: Assassinations for Humanity.
This secret motto represents the goal of the University system: to kill people who are boring and unnecessary.
[edit] Public Motto
"It's Education!...and Nothing Else"
This depicts the educational cover for the assassin-training University system.
[edit] Slogan
Dean "of Iran" once was asked what the exact purpose of the University system was, and what he said has become somewhat of a slogan around Universities across the world:
"We may or may not do a bunch of things, but regardless, we're all really, really, really, really smart."
