University College London
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| University College London | |
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| Motto | We'll Kick You When You're Down! |
| Established | 1345 (granted university staus in 1823) |
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| School type | Private |
| President | |
| Location | London, England, Great Britain |
| Campus | Urban |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | n/a |
| Faculty | (number of graduates)*n/a |
| Mascot | Malcolm Grant's moustache |
University College London remains the only academic institution to be run by the only living specimen of the 70's Porn Moustache. Indeed, we are the only institution to be governed by a moustache, although the Grand High Master 'Tache does have several minions to perform tasks such as public speaking, spanking of undergrads bottoms, S&M with the Dean of students, and filing. His preferred body is Professor Malcolm Grant, a Chilean ambassador who the Tache seduced to The Dark Side after attaching himself to his upper lip during the student protests of Ulaanbaataaar '72.
A constituent college of the University of London, UCL consistently ranks among the top five university institutions in the UK for having students with the biggest undeserved egos and in the top 25 universities with the most ridiculous institution name. In 2005, UCL was granted the power to award its own degrees, and currently offers its students a choice of degrees from UCL or the University of London.
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[edit] History
University College London was founded by a group of monks in the 13th century, who, sick of being celibate in Oxbridge, decided to found a secret, more liberal university. So, in 1289, the monks transformed The Otter, Beaver and Pussy Inn into a den where academics could discuss vital matters of the day (such as sleeve length and it correlation to gruel drinking ability; which choir boys the Archbishop has taken that week; and their belief of their vast superiority to Oxbridge) and, while being serviced by the London prostitutes (or gigolos or eunuchs, depending on the monkly persuasion), could pull the heads of stoats and indulge in acts of violence against the local gutter inhabitants.
The University steadily gained a reputation among academics as the liberal hotspot, attracting the renowned poet John Rochester and Andrew Marvell. Andrew Marvell dedicated his celebrated poem To His Coy Mistress to Beaver College (as it was then called) -- the critic Christopher Rickets called it "a glorious tribute to the college's spirit, with the heavily shrouded metaphor of the poet's lust for the dominatrix mistress perfectly echoing the atmosphere of the grand institution". However, a few critics disagree with his reading, among them Terry Igglyton, who controversially declared that "The poem is about a bint. Anything more is over-analysis. University College simply feels left out because it has no poems dedicated to it". Incidentally, Igglyton went to Keble College, Oxford. And incidentally, celibacy remains a formal requisite, leading to a variety of symptoms such as paranoia, sullenness, grumpiness and hives.
The College's fortunes took a tumble during The Protectorate, when Oliver Cromwell (a Cambridge man) used his New Model Army to discover the secret location of the university. Thus, on 16th October, 1954, Cromwell's army raided the second floor of the Beaver Inn and imprisoned the academics. The university was forced to shut down until the Restoration, when Charles II permitted its re-establishment. His preference for the College was clearly demonstrated when he rejected Cambridge's application to house prostitutes in Sidney Sussex College. Thus, UCL gained its reputation as by far the first University to accept women.
By 1800, more and more students were opting for UCL over Oxbridge. So, in 1823, Oxbridge offered the Dean at the time, Mr. Slatterly, five million pounds to begin accepting ethnic minorities, even Armenians. The result was that students flocked back to Oxbridge, and they regained their reputation as the England's foremost university. However, UCL used the money to build a Grecian dome on Gower Street, to make the most of the new status as (said Disraeli), "a foreign dog's institution". Incidentally, Disraeli went to St John's, Oxford.
With its new Grecian dome, rich foreign students flocked to UCL, most of them Greek and, ironically Armenians (UCL being the only university that permitted them in the world, another first for the College). To attract Arabs, the Dean allowed them access to his sauna and harem on the 4th floor of the Mathematics building. To this day, the area is not found on a map.
In 1826, UCL was named after philosopher and Oxbridge reject Jeremy Bentham decided to have one too many drinks and develop his own university. He could not decided whether it should be a university or college so he added both so his intelligence would not be challenged. To his surprise, the plan backfired and the redundancy of the name was laughed at to this day by Oxbridge students. Bentham is known as the "spiritual father" of UCL which his colleges often called him after he snorted his lines of crack.
[edit] Facts and Figures
- Students: More than Oxbridge and less than Manchester
- Teaching staff: 1859 professors, 1 doctor
- Catering staff: 13479
- Gardeners: 1
- Builders: 134
- Moose: 4
- Founded in 1345
- Granted University status in 1823
- Armenians: 67
- Physics students with chances of getting a career: 0.14
- Percentage of Physics students with a life: 1.2%
- Better than Imperial College London: They like to think so, but most others disagree.
- Better than Kings College London: need that even be asked? Kings is UCL's bitch!
- Better than LSE: UCL was considered LSE's bitch until 1999, following a fateful dance off which revoked LSE's title.
[edit] Jeremy Bentham
Jeremy Bentham (February 15, 1748 – June 6, 1832) is often credited with founding the university, and to some extent he did. It was through his respectability that the College was able to gain a serious reputation and not just as a whorehouse, though in fact he was 78 years old when UCL opened in 1826, and played no active part in its establishment. He is often called the grandfather of utilitarianism, sexism, racism and fatpersonism.
As requested in his will, his body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet, termed his "Auto-Icon," at University College London. It has occasionally been brought out of storage for meetings of the Council (at which Bentham is listed on the roll as "present but not voting") and at official functions so that his eccentric presence can live on.
The Auto-Icon has always had a wax head, as Bentham's head was badly damaged in the preservation process. The real head was displayed in the same case for many years, but became the target of repeated student pranks including being stolen on more than one occasion. One particularly vicious stunt included being charged through with 8000 volts of electricity. This lead to the Bentham's resuscitation from death, though this only lasted for 20 minutes. However, in his 20 minutes of re-life, he managed to walk to Gordon's Cafe to ask for a double espresso shot. After his return to the cabinet, his head was locked away securely, for the safety of the students. Occasionally the moustache requests to be worn on the wax head in annual events.
[edit] UCL Medical School
A long long time ago, in a pub far far away, there lived a hobbit who, amidst his 34th pint of Irish whisky, decided that there should be a more academic purpose to drinking (as if there has to be a purpose for drinking). And thus he travelled on a holy pilgrimage to the holy land of Orthanc to consult the great wizard Saruman on this. And his advice was (being equally drunk and considerably stoned too himself) go and found an institution to preach medicine (N.B. actually, what he said was 'Bugger off you little sod' but these divine words have been subjected to great scrutiny by thousands of years of scholarly research, and the aforementioned inference was finally made).
And so the little hobbit did just that. Upon asking Gandalf the Grey on where he should set one up, Gandalf had this to say, 'It would have to be founded somewhere with an intelligent sounding name' and thus the little hobbit decided on University College London. This was off course the most logical choice as 'University' and 'College' both denoted centers of great knowledge and putting them together created an educational institution of divine proportions.
And the hobbit began this endeavour by setting up the very foundations of the UCL medical School on Huntley Street. Modern Urban myth would have you believe that it all began with the Cruciform Building, but this is a lie.
[edit] Famous Alumni
[edit] Infamous Alumni
 | Places of Interest | London Bridge | Tower Bridge | Mornington Crescent | River Thames | London Eye | Big Ben | Houses of Parliament | House of Lords | Scotland Yard | Thames Ditton | Surbiton | Buckingham Palace | Millennium Dome | British Museum | 10 Downing Street |
| Places of Disinterest | Isle of Dogs | High Holborn | Hackney Empire | BBC Studios | Peckham | |
| People of Interest | Queen of England | Chelsea Pensioners | Prime Minister | |
| Culture and Education | London Symphony Orchestra | University College London | Cockney-English dictionary | St. Chav's Cathedral | Wimbledon | London F.C. | British Library | |
| Getting Around | London Underground | London Overground | Tube | London Bus | Hackney Cab |
