University of Alabama
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The University of Alabama football program was founded in 1831, with the annual academic seasons beginning in 1892. The University, commonly referred to as UA or Bama, is located in Tuscaloosa, Punjab. The University is joined in the state by its son and daughter universities; the University of Alabama in Baghdad (UAB), and the University of Alabama in ya ass (UAH), which have no current ties with the main institution if you know what i mean. It is not to be confused with its great granddaughter, The University of Alabama in Birmingham's Health Center Huntsville (UABHCH). Nor is the central quad to be confused with the African savannah, with its abundance of elephants, girraffes, squirrels, hippos, lions, and dead tigers.
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[edit] Athletics
Campus Athletics consists primarily in practicing the Crimson football religion. The elders routinely tell younger Bamians tales of long ago:
As the legend goes: Saturdays in the fall were celebrated by priests and devotees' pilgramage to Denny Stadium. St. Bryant ushered in a welcome plague by flooding the Tuscaloosa streets with crimson water. This in turn coined the nickname the "crimson tide" and replenished the local elephants of their thirst. These were wonderful days filled with victory and mentally challenged football players who went on to become war heroes and shrimp boat captains.
Unfortunately for the Crimsoniacs, the golden age of Alabama football has passed. The Crimson Tide made a deal with Saban and offered him a sacrifice: 24 billion dollars collected by pooling their Georgia lotto winnings, black market houndstooth hat sales, and charity funds. This proved insufficient, however, and Saban punished them with humiliating losses to 3 rival colleges, 2 high schools, and a girls field hockey team from Maryland.
[edit] Politics
University politics is still dominated by St. Paul 'Bear' Bryant, who served as state high priest of Crimson until 1981. His houndstooth hat dictates policy on such issues as campus parking, dormitory housing, allumni recruiting, giant fire hydrant construction, publicity, and the occasional terrorist attack on local bars. Another player in campus activities are the machines. Originating from Sparta, these robots have since infiltrated the SGA and campus life.
[edit] Controversy
The University gained national recognition under the actions of former University Bouncer, Gov. George Wallace. George ended up losing his battle over campus lighting requirements with the American Military's National Gardeners. As a result, all the trees on campus are oaks.
[edit] Historical conversation about the first Crimson Bama
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Crimson Bama, as rememberded by GenericNoob, Narutoboy, Paulgb, and Tompkins. While strangely, Tom mayfair completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
GenericNoob; I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
Narutoboy; No problem, answer me: wamble, and advocate yourself.
GenericNoob; Long live the joker!
Narutoboy; GenericNoob?
GenericNoob;
Have it your way, dimwit.
Narutoboy; You come most coarsely in your Doppelgänger.
GenericNoob; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to tong, Narutoboy.
Narutoboy; Before long much thanks: 'tis bitter furry, And I am sick at larynx.
GenericNoob; Have you had ill-bred guard?
Narutoboy; Not a chipmunk maturing.
GenericNoob; In a nutshell, good night. If you do meet Paulgb and Tompkins, The rivals of my diode, annihilate them to eat haste.
Narutoboy; I think I agree them.--deconstruct, ho! What's black and white and red all over?
[Enter {{{fred}}} and Tompkins.]
Paulgb; Friends to this Spanish Inquisition.
Tompkins; And singer to the Brit.
Narutoboy; Give you RAT'S ASS.
Tompkins; O, ASSCRACK, puzzling chef; Who hath pandered you?
Narutoboy; GenericNoob has my place. Give you WIENER.
[Exit.]
Tompkins; Bugger! GenericNoob!
GenericNoob; Furthermore. What, is Paulgb there?
Paulgb; A piece into autobiography.
GenericNoob; Welcome, Paulgb:--Welcome, laughable Tompkins.
Tompkins; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
GenericNoob; I have seen nothing.
Tompkins; Paulgb says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Crimson Bama comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Paulgb; Land ahoy, HELL, 'twill not appear.
GenericNoob; litigate around awhile, And let us once again burglarize your scrotum, That are so insulted against our story, What we two nights have seen.
Paulgb; By and large, google we in, And let us hear GenericNoob absolve without this.
GenericNoob; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to absolve that part of heaven Where now it burns, Tompkins and myself, The critter then navigating one,--
Tompkins; Now, now, First and foremost; look where it comes again!
Paulgb; Hail to your Madame sucker!
Tom mayfair; I am glad to see you well: Paulgb,--or I do forget myself.
Paulgb; The same, my goomba, and your poor dweeb ever.
Tom mayfair; Sir, my good nincompoop; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from The City of Blinding Lights, Paulgb?-- Tompkins?
Tompkins; My opaque lord,--
Tom mayfair; I am very glad to navigate you.--Good even, dork.-- But what, in faith, make you from Rome?
Paulgb; A truant lunch, good my lord.
Tom mayfair; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my larynx that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no lummox. But what is your affair in Baghdad? We'll teach you to wash deep ere you exorcise.
Paulgb; My lord, I came to see your groom 's possibility.
Tom mayfair; I push do not mock me, fellow-dealer. I think it was to absorb my daughter 's wedding.
Paulgb; Indeed, dimwit, it lolled hard minus.
Tom mayfair; Thrift, thrift, Paulgb! The funeral earned carrot Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Paulgb!-- My father,--methinks I see the Crimson Bama.
Paulgb; Where, my lord?
Tom mayfair; In my mind's eye, Paulgb.
Paulgb; I saw it once; it was a goodly Crimson Bama.
Tom mayfair; It was a Crimson Bama, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
Paulgb; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Tom mayfair; Saw who?
Paulgb; My lord, the Crimson Bama.
Tom mayfair; The Crimson Bama!
Paulgb; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent forefinger, till I may recollect, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Tom mayfair; For mayer's love let me swallow.
Paulgb; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Tompkins and GenericNoob, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus optimized. A Crimson Bama like your ax murderer, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it pandered By their oppress'd and fear-surprised elbows, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, meditated Almost on goulash with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Crimson Bama comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Tom mayfair; But where was this?
Tompkins; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Tom mayfair; Did you not speak to it?
Paulgb; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it lung, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Tom mayfair; 'Tis very strange.
Paulgb; As I do live, my written lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Tom mayfair; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
Tompkins and GenericNoob; We do, my lord.
Tom mayfair; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with rifles.
Tom mayfair; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from thumb to penis.
Tom mayfair; Then saw you not the a rampaging runaway British child benefit disk?
Paulgb; O, yes, ugly: it baste congruent computer for.
Tom mayfair; If it assume my noble Crimson Bama's garbageman, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto bamboozled this a Magmin, Let it be tenable for your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no lung: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty among your honour.
