University of Antarctica
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| University of Antarctica | |
| |
| Penguinas, Glacius-Lacti, quod Frigus Beernum | |
| Motto | Penguins, Ice Cream, and Frozen Beer |
| Established | 2008 |
| |
| School type | Expeditionary University |
| President | Anti-Santa, Ph.D. 2008-2008 (eaten by killer whale); 2008- Dr. Freeze, M.B.A. |
| Location | Ice Harbor, Ichigan, Antarctica |
| Campus | 3176 acres, including the arboretum or “Ice box” and honorary James Cook Corpus Glacialis Areni “frozen corpse arena” |
| Enrollment | - 41,042 Undergraduates (Some dead, others in natural state of cryopreservation), - 0 Graduates (Got the hell out) |
| Endowment | $7.1 billion (George W. Bush & U.S. Tax Payers) |
| Faculty | 4,881 - Instructors: 432 (Active), 738 (Rendered inoperative), 2,489 (Dead), 219 (MIA), 3 (Wandered into mysterious cave) - 518 Staff: There's one laying over there |
| Mascot | “Quackers” – Insane penguin in tuxedo with harpoon gun |
The University of Antarctica, Antarctica (U of A, U of AA, AAA or simply Ice Box) was founded in 2008 about 120 miles south-west of the northern territorial coast of the Antarctic Ocean. U of AA is globally recognized for maintaining the status of being both the continent's newest and oldest university.
Initially, the U of AA intended to focus exclusively upon the studies of dentistry, music therapy, and agriculture due to its thriving local demand but has then since then logically steered its concentration towards hunting and gathering, medicine, ice sculpting, and hockey.
U of AA has recently been regarded by the Antarctic Board of Education as a pioneering Iceship campus towards filling the gap between the continent's absent primary educational system and the commercial empire that is expected to thrive in the continent sometime within the next 41.8 million years.
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[edit] History
The Antarctic Constitution of 1850 called for the creation of an "agricultural school"; however, it was not until the discovery of permafrost in the 20th century which prompted the Ichigan Provincial Governor Kinsley S. Humbug to deny the allegation and enact several years later on January 4th of 1991 a bill establishing the Continent’s first Puritan agricultural school: the Purified Agricultural College of the Extraterritorial Land of Ichigan. Classes began on January 5th 1991 with two buildings (tents), five faculty members (scientists), and 18 students. All died within a manner of minutes due to an air conditioner malfunction.
On January 6th 2008 the situation was realized and a funeral was held for the fallen students and faculty whom are now regarded as heroes for some reason despite their tendency to cry and overall timid demeanor during life, in the newly founded quadrangle (now regarded by the pretentiously witty student populous as the "Frostangle" or "frangle"). During the ceremony, more students and faculty members perished at the tongue of icy winds suffering from what was then thought to be an act of God was later properly diagnosed by a more esteemed group of medical practitioners as hypothermia.
In light of their self-proclaimed, "Extensive History" & "Piety" the board decided to form an amalgamate university, the University of Antarctica, in order to generate more recognition and thereby expand the student body of the institution. The university board somehow managed to secure this status before they could even make up their minds on instituting secular orientation. The board's moderator awarded them -15 out of 10 for rationality and several million points out of 10 for style.
They also changed calendar’s from Julian to Antartican in 2007 when they realized the sun sometimes doesn’t stay “up” as long as it ought to while other times it stays “down” longer than it out to. It also came as a shock to the university board when they discovered that Julius Caesar was in fact assassinated approximately 2000 years ago and the point of conserving an archaic system of time keeping was pointless now that it’s owner is dead. The academic calendar now runs on binary-term system with Polar Sunmesters during the summer and Polar Nightmesters during the winter.
[edit] Rankings
U of AA maintains the record for Antarctica as the largest university as well as having the most diversified student population in the continent, best party school, best suicide rate, dorms like dungeons, dorms like dragons; literally winning the best and worst award for every superlative in the Princeton book of qualifications.
Despite being in a status of establishment for only six months, the University of Antarctica has secured every major "best" and "worst" award in the Princeton Review. U of AA has also secured the most Best/Worst awards for a single university in the world as well as accomplishing these feats in the promptest manner, recorded on a Timex watch which now resides in the Princeton National Archives clocked at 0.05 seconds.
USNews identified U of AA as "a tumultuous feat of record-breaking precedence surmounted by a victimized body of overly-promoted madcaps."
[edit] Residential Life
The University of Antarctica has the largest campus housing system in Antarctica and the five thousand four hundred nineteenth largest campus housing system in the World. The residence halls are organized into three distinct groups: the Frost Campus, the Glacier Area (between Frost Campus and the University of Antarctica Chamber of Dentistry) and the Ice Campus. The Mortuary and Cryochambers are by far the most populated residential dwellings; but to the university’s disdain, do not count towards the essential breathing student body. The University board is trying to expound upon the American Educational Standards Board’s divergent reasoning as to why semi-living and dead students should not count towards the aggregate student populous; U of AA’s incentive for carry out this argument being to qualify for additional IMF funding.
The largest “living” residency hall has a capacity of 1,277 students, while the smallest accommodates 31 residents. The largest “semi-living” or “dead” residency hall, Cryochamber 2, has a capacity of 15,061 students stacked vertically and 20,908 students stacked horizontally. Cryochamber 2 is currently facing a capacity crisis but it is expected to damper off once Cryochamber 3 is constructed. A majority of upper-division and sane students live in off-campus igloos, ice palaces, and foreign research laboratories with the largest concentrations in the Western and Southern Campus areas. The higher cost of living in Ice Harbor, Ichigan has prompted some students to commute by residing in nearby communities such as Punta Arenas and Sydney.
[edit] Activities
Besides hockey, the far more entertaining and acclaimed “I can’t feel my fucking balls” competition is a historically revered Arctic quasi-sport in which students dip their testicles into fishing holes until they suck up through the interior of their body cavity and the contestants bellow, “I can’t feel my fucking balls!” to the delight of their peer spectators. The student whom reaches this climax first is declared victor.
This activity inspired a future Jack Ass stunt and is widely considered by incompetent people as being a healthy activity and recreational Arctic sport not unlike ice swimming. Oprah Winfrey had played this game on the University’s inception day whilst she sung the fight song as her entrance anthem in preference over the more traditional Hail to the Chief during her night class interim from January through February 2008. The I can’t feel my fucking balls contest was banned in March of 2008 when a challenging student was unexpectedly eaten whole by a killer whale that popped out from beneath his testicles and devoured him to the delight of his peer spectators.
[edit] Recreation
Besides dieing, U of AA students have taken up a plethora of abominable hobby’s to keep them occupied whilst in between classes. During the winter months, which have yet to be experienced, a great number of the Frost Campus student residence plan on taking up staying inside and keeping warm. During the summer months, snowboarding and ice fishing were the most popular activities of the Frost Campus while the more snobbish Ice Campus took up water skiing and ice croquette.
For a brief while after the students appeared to be co-existing amiably, they eventually began partitioning the dormitories and cryogenic chambers declaring which entities had more control over the available food and propane resources. These quarrels were typically resolved by a game of “I can’t feel my fucking balls” until the intrinsic mentality of sectarian war began to settle in. Three weeks after the food and electricity ran out, students turned their attention to more primitive recreational hobby's such as forming pagan religions, killing each another, and hockey.
[edit] Fight song
The University of Antarctica’s fight song, I’m Fucking Cold, was written by student Louis Elbel in 2008 following the last-minute hockey victory over a group of penguins that clinched the league championship. The song was declared by the late John Philip Sousa as "the greatest college fight song ever written." The song refers to the university as being the "Champions of the South" and "bestial violators of penguins". At the time, U of AA was part of the geographic "Northern Conference", which would later become the Big One Conference. Although mainly used at sporting events, the fight song can be heard at other extra-curricular activities that U of AA partakes in such as the “falling over dead freezing” competition and the “I can’t feel my fucking balls” contest.
[edit] Official Mascot
Most notably about the University of Antarctica, in the collegiate world of misdirected juveniles, is the chilling legend of a homicidal mascot named ‘’Quakers.’’ Quakers is basically an insane 2 ft. 7” tuxedo wearing penguin that went around campus many years ago shooting people with a harpoon gun. Since its supposed rein of terror, the mascot has now become an infamous demonic idol, purportedly resulting from pagan worship and séance, as well as a university ghost story told around late-night camp fires of the Glacier Area dormitory recreational Slip n’ Slide Fjord.
These colloquial nightly social gatherings ended abruptly on March 14th 2008 when Quakers supposedly appeared during the climax of the tale and skewered 17 students and 1 story telling student with his harpoon whilst quacking uncontrollably. Rumor has it that the initial student body of The Purified Agricultural College of the Extraterritorial Land of Ichigan were never killed by an air-conditioner malfunction; but, were in fact slain by the mad hermit penguin. This was alleged in 2007 when campus security re-evaluated the sight of the murders and discovered that what they once believed was an incongruent running-track is actually a 50 foot-long 600 foot-wide trail of blood spelling the name “Quakers” when viewed from satellite.
[edit] Notable Alumni
U of AA has over four living graduates and is considered to be an astonishing feat by humanitarians and sensible doctors. In addition to the late U.S. Nobel Prize Winner, Herald Nash, the university has produced zero Rhodes scholars, zero Olympic gold medalists, and zero and a half Special Olympic medalists (the Amazing Torso-less Spiderman "Schwidiclegrubenster" and one Vanilla Ice, M.B.A.). Several potential astronauts are also alumni including the all-UAA Apollo 42 that has yet to launch or be legitimately announced into existence.
Of the arts and theatrics, there is Jack Nicholson whom spent a death defying term on the grounds of what-would-become U of AA campus in 1980; Steve McQueen, whom many refer to as being "cool" undoubtedly earned his attributes from his three week tenure as the deceased Dean of Necrophilia; and most notably Some Guy who finished his term living and graduated living, an accomplishment noteworthy of the utmost regard as well as the "pillar of ice" award which is an handsome block of ice given to all surviving students on their day of graduation. Some Guy reportedly drowned to death due to the "pillar of ice" melting in his sleeping bag upon returning to more favorable climates.
