University of Illinois
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"Giving you credit for the classes you took at our recommendation would undermine the integrity of the degree." - Oscar Wilde, Dean of Engineering
“As for the controversy regarding the chief, let's just ask the Illini what they think. Oh yeah, they're dead.”
~ Alumnus Harith Tamimie
Contents |
[edit] History
The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, commonly known as UofIwhytheheckisthereaChere?, is the only worthwhile entity of the UI school system. The site of the campus sits atop an ancient indian burial ground, which is the reason for the school's beloved mascot, Chief Illiniwek. Most students attend UIUC after ruining their father's Porsche, failing interviews with Princeton, turning their home into a brothel, or becoming a Scientologist. Once they have failed out of UIUC, they go on to attend Parkland College, an institution of somewhat higher prestige, located in the same community. The university is most well known for its Morrow Plots which were the first experimental opium fields in the United States.
The most common moniker for UIUC is University of Illinois - Under Construction, please remember to pronounce the 's' at the end of Illinois. The fact that the university is constantly under construction in at least seven places is not disputed and is possibly responsible for many of the "late nighters" students experience, although it is entirely possible that these are caused by promiscuous students talking about how sexy each other's tractors are. It is also common for undergraduate students to harass professors about joining their research in teleportation (not quantum teleportation, the Star Trek kind). Evidently we do that here at UIUC.
Alumni from UIUC include Hugh Hefner, Moses, Jerry Colangelo and Hanky the Christmas Poo. The university is also well known for graduating people who watch movies for a living.
[edit] Typical Student Life
Student life at UIUC consists mainly of drinking, classes, drinking, drinking, Unofficial St. Patrick's Day and then maybe some late night drinking. You know, to blow off steam. If you're not into the drinking scene, you can always:
- Sit in your apartment
- Sit in one of the libraries (we have lots)
- Sit in one of the class buildings (again, lots)
- Play horseshoes
- Study (just kidding . . .)
- Stare at corn
- Swim in the Boneyard
- Muck Fichigan (after all, Ann Arbor is a whore.)
- Take a Massive dook on the step of some fancy Sorority. (Usually done drunk, but if you're that messed up I suppose you could do it sober.)
- Get arrested by the armed guards in the basement of the Beckman Institute.
- Vomit everything you ate from Late Night at ISR.
There's also Brad & Kristen's apartment in Urbana. The two bedroom 3rd floor apartment is home to a straight girl who affectionately loves discussion about her vagina and home to a very tall and thin gay homosexual male. The apartment is home often to gatherings of homosexuals, lesbians, straight people, and those who need somewhere to go to confide in the participation of incest. Once in the apartment, there are several activities that take place
--- calling other homos to find out their plans in town --- watching baseball games --- playing with the dog --- pooping --- watching Gavin surf the internet in hopes of finding a homosexual hook up --- watching movies about racially inappropriate and politically incorrect comedians. and laughing. --- wine tasting --- liquor tasting --- more pooping --- photographing breast interaction
For a glimpse into the day to day schedule of one of UIUC's finest students, see The Jeff Locator. In our own defense...we're not all like this kid, honest. I mean, seriously. The kid plans his week in 30 minute interfals, and admits to not showering between 10am on Friday and 10am on Monday. And he works out in-between. Ew. (NOTE: Jeff has revised his schedule to include the potential of daily showers. We're all happy about this. But there's still a whole lot of not showering after working out.)
As with most colleges, UIUC is a great place to meet your future spouse. This university has a rich history of having students get married, then be horribly disappointed twenty years later when their offspring don't go to school here because of poor SAT scores. Because of the sheer number of students on campus (well over 39), there are many weddings at Foellinger Auditorium. Usually, girls get into fights months in advance to secure this auspicious site for their ceremony. It is interesting to note that well over 100% of marriages that involve a UIUC student end in the death of at least one person.
[edit] Secret Societies
The most notable secret society is the Polish Club "Zagłoba" founded in 1410 by Michael Jackson, the illegitimate child of Kaczyński and Oprah. The symbol of "Zagłoba" is a giant snowman, worshipped by all members. The giant snowman is summonned to life on the Quad every year on January 23rd and roams the campus feeding on sorority virgins. His last victim was the founder of the club. "Zagłoba" is famous for its dancing rituals that have been directly linked to causing earthquakes, followed by deadly tsunamis. The most notable members include Copernicus, Lech Wałęsa, Stefan Żeromski, Grzegorz Rasiak, Darth Cheney and Tom Cruise. Last but not least, all "Zagłoba" members consume large quantities of Polish currency (see: Poland).
[edit] Facts
- UIUC has the largest greek system.
- UIUC has the largest geek system.
- UIUC has the largest campus bus system.
- UIUC has the largest library system (by number of volumes) in the world.
- UIUC has EE and CompE programs ranked top 5 in the nation.
- UIUC also has a CS program ranked top 5 nationally, but this author can tell you that it's a bold faced lie. But as long as employers fall for it... I guess I'm cool with it.
- UIUC even has top 5 nationally ranked programs in AB, CD, EX, CO2, and other abbreviations which shall remain unexplained so that no one can verify this claim.
- UIUC has a lot of soybeans
- UIUC is where The Booze News was started
- Do you smell that? That's the smell of success. Not to be confused with the smell of livestock feces. Close your windows in the summer.
- The only thing to do in central Illinois is drink. A lot.
- You have pissed in the Morrow Plots.
[edit] Trivia
- The Belinda Carlisle song Heaven Is A Place On Earth was inspired by her visit to the UIUC Engineering Campus, particularly Everitt Lab.
[edit] Inventions
The engineering campus at UIUC, aka North of Green, aka the last bastion of virginity in Illinois, is home of many important inventions. In the late 1950s, a group of three operators and five graduate students provided operational support for the Illiac I. The 2,800 vacuum tubes financially devistated the university and nothing special occurred for four decades. In the early 1990s, Marc Andreessen invented the Internet along with Al Gore. Andreessen later went on to found Netscape, while Gore became a surrogate mother. On 12 January 1997, the first HAL 9000 was activated at a plant in Urbana, Illinois. By the year 2001, homicidal tendencies were identified and the devices were restricted to teaching graduate coursework only.
Other important inventions include
- The Hot-Stop Filter
- LEDs
- Eudora
- Laptop
- Plasma screens
- Preemptive Consent
- Porn
- Poster Children
[edit] Roaming Campus
At the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, you will find that:
- busses never come when you need them and as a rule of thumb, they will only come once you have left the bus stop by a distance greater than that which you could run in the given time until the bus arrives.
- if you are walking, you will get hit by a bicyclist. That is, of course, if the "MTD Death Squad" doesn't get you first.
- if you are riding a bicycle, some pedestrian will clothesline you.
- if you are driving a car, you will never get anywhere on time because everyone will step out in front of you.
- if you are driving a bus, you will run some kid over and be dragged through the Daily Illini.
- It is imperative to walk diagonally across the corner of Green and Wright. Walking diagonally was invented at UIUC in the summer of 2002.
Also a recently discovered tidbit is that Illinois also has other public universities which have been around 5,310 years and all suck, with the exception of The State of Illinois University (sometimes known as Illinois State) which you do not need a compass to find. ISU (Izzu) is home to the land of Atkin 12, located just outside of the realm of Chicago.
Also recently discovered was the fact that ISU sucks dick, owing to the fact there isn't shit to do on campus--unless you literaly want to fuck shit. And there is plenty of shit to fuck there.
