University of Kansas
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“The Harvard of the Midwest? More like the... ahh fuck I can't think of anything”
~ Bob Dole on University Of Kansas
“University of Kansas? What do you have to learn to live in Kansas?”
~ Oscar Wilde on University Of Kansas
“Old and Busted... New Hotness”
~ Will Smith on Men in Black II
The University of Kansas was founded in 1900 after Star War III. The University of Kansas or as some of the more pretentious members call it, KU, is the most liberal college in Kansas, right after Michael Moore's School for the Terminally Politically Correct. The mascot of the school is the Jayhawk, the mythical bird-god of Apathy. The University is famous for it's school of Journalism and for it's school of bad 80's pop culture.
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[edit] History
Legend has it, in the year 200X, Dr. Light created KU. But the Evil Dr. Wily created 8 evil robo-universities to counter KU. KU then fought each robot in progression, using each defeated robots' power to defeat the next, until KU reached the stronghold of Dr. Wily. Once at the stronghold, KU infiltrated and finally reached Dr. Wily in his evil super lab. Just as KU was to land the fatal blow on Dr. Wily, the evil doctor unleashed a foul virus upon KU. He named the virus, Student Housing. Today, students walk the campus oblivious to the university's bloody past. Though some say, if you look at a second full moon in September, you can see Dr. Light, winking.
[edit] Classes
Some required classes to major in bad 80's pop culture include-
- Theories of Donnie Darko 101
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (get the colors right bitch) 107
- The first level of Super Mario Brothers 203
- Defining "Old-School" an exploration in Douchebaggery 103
- Advanced Theories of Donnie Darko 201
- Understanding White Owl 1000020
- That one song by A-Ha 305
- Saved by the Bell was 90s, not 80s you dumbass 804
[edit] Student Life
The average student at the University of Kansas is either from A. Johnson County B. Wichita C. Topeka D. The Greater Kansas City Area or E. ....well, people not from those places will never succeed in life anyways.
Hobbies of KU students include, studying, bowling, reciting poetry, painting, fingerpainting, protesting, complaining, whining, not showering, grabbing the grass to not fall off the Earth, and getting one with the universe and everything man. The latter of the activities has never actually been accomplished by any KU student, or any human being for that matter, other than Stephen Hawking.
The average KU student is obsessed with 80's pop culture and 70's rock and roll, even though the average student was alive for about 3-5 years in the 80's. KU prides itself on being a diverse school, by giving minority students gratuitous amounts of scholarships. However, lately KU has come under fire for not having any "blue" students. This controversy has escalated into the now famous trial of The Blue men V. Kansas.
[edit] Clubs/Organizations
KU prides itself in it's multitude of organizations/clubs, such as
- Bowling Club
- Blowing Club
- Campus Cougars
- Queers and Allies
- Bob Dole
- Pole-Vaulters Anonymous
- Axis and Allies
- Steers and Queers
- Axis and Steers
[edit] KU Sports
KU prides itself in it's award winning sports programs. So much so, that some students will enroll in the University, just so they can have cheaper tickets to Basketball and Football games. KU is the only University in the Northern Hemisphere to offer one sport. That sport is Full-Contact-Unisex-Blind-One-Handed-Water-Polo. Kansas is the most winningst school ever in the sport with a total record of 108-2. The only two losses coming from Harvard University, when they allegedly cheated by quote "Using teamwork and shit."
[edit] The University Daily Kansan
KU prides itself for it's school of journalism, yet mysteriously only has one major student paper that represents the entire student body. The University Daily Kansan, or UDK, is a common distraction of most students during classes. Activities the paper offers include a crossword, sudoku, horoscopes, cryptoquip, and the award winning comic strip Will and the Bear. Another pastime of bored students is searching for misspelled words throughout the paper.
A popular insert of the UDK that prints every Thursday is called the Jayplay. The Jayplay is most noticeable for being very fireproof. Don't believe me? try it. Burn every copy of the Jayplay you can find, and see if it will work.
[edit] Housing
KU Prides itself in it's student housing. KU student housing governs the housing of students in Residence Halls, Scholarship Halls, and Jayhawk Towers. Student Housing must be the least funded branch of the university, because of the absurd lack of care that goes into some of the living quarters.
[edit] Residence Halls
The Residence Halls at the University inlcude Hashinger, McCollum, Oliver, Bob Dole, Ellsworth, Fredrickson, GSP, and Corbin. Requirements to live in these halls include money, a robust immune system, contraceptives, and dreadlocks (Hashinger Hall only.)
[edit] Jayhawk Towers
The Jayhawk Towers house the multiple players of the School's Full-Contact-Unisex-Blind-One-Handed-Water-Polo team. Requirements to live in Jayhawk towers include a bulletproof vest, earmuffs, iron underwear, and Bob Dole (to protect you.) The Jayhawk Towers include Tower A, Tower B, Tower C, and Tower X (This Tower exists only in dimension X.)
[edit] Scholarship Halls
KU offers scholarship halls for students meeting certain criteria, poor-ness, illegibility, and an encyclopedic knowledge of Ren and Stimpy. Scholarship Halls include Miller, Watkins, Sellards, Pearson, G.P., K.K. Amini, Margert Amini, Reiger, Douthart, and Stephenson Scholarship Hall
[edit] Greek Life
KU prides itself in it's vast Greek population. Students born with silver spoons up their asses are given the opportunity to live in a very nice housing arrangement for a small fee. Amenities include catering, spacious living quarters and slaves.
Some KU Greek houses include:
- Fagga Fagga Fagga
- Chi Omega
- Lame-a Lame-a Lame-a
- Panorama
- Bob Dole
- Smell-O-Vision
- Sigma Delta Tau (EAT)
- I am the Walrus, Goocaloocachu
