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The University of Phoenix is some stupid institution that nobody should care about. But please, keep on reading anyways. Don't stop on account of the fact that only imbeciles would have anything to do with them.

The University of Phoenix is a pet name given to a loosely-knit global network of thieves masquerading as real academic administrators. These people don't know shit about academics or higher learning, but that won't stop them from taking your money. A degree costs just $65,000,000 USD and can be obtained from vending machines at local airports or nightclubs (don't forget your credit card!).

[edit] The Greatness

Contrary to the first section, the University of Phoenix is actually considered the best university one could attend. A degree from the university is similar, if not above that of a degree from Yale, Harvard, or Oxford. Only the most prestigious super-human gods (see Mormons) are allowed to attend the all mighty college that is UOP. The University of Phoenix was started in 4000 B.C. by God himself. The greats of the greats all attended UofP including Moses, the Jews, Pharo, Julius Caesar, and Pilot. King Arthur attended as well but later transferred to ITT tech because his grades were slipping. UofP's freshman criteria is so great Jesus, the bastard son of god, couldn't get in. All in all, paying the mere arm and leg per credit hour for the chance to soak in the greatness of the school, even through the on-line, is always considered admirable and you are guaranteed to be big ballin and rolling in cash once you get your degree from UofP.

Hello

[edit] Marketing

The University of Phoenix doesn't need marketing. In fact, the internet in all of its vastness creates bots which send out masses of emails daily to everyone ages 14-34. None of these emails are sanctioned by the University of Phoenix and they are all a gimmick. The fake website says that all you have to do is give them a butt load of money and you are in, if you actually want to get into the real University of Phoenix you have to rape 5 babies and drain the blood of a lactating Ethiopian woman. Once you bring the milk and blood of the lactating Ethiopian to the great Phoenix he will asses your worthiness and godliness and see if you are fit to attend his University. The Phoenix is kept hidden deep in the catacombs of the Arizona Indian Reservations.

[edit] Studying with the "University"

Studying consists of learning how to throw lightning bolts, bring wrath upon the jews, and killing infidels. Once completed you become Jesus of your own planet that you get to populate with your 72 virgins.

The journey to the degree is long and harsh. If a baby looks weak or sick it will be discarded at the University. If you are raised with the University you are taugh to fight, never to retreat, never to surrender.

[edit] Working for the "University"

No one actually works for the University. All knowledge gained is done so through osmosis, LSD trips, and the Divine spirit of god and the great Phoenix. The people who you may see working at the university called “professors” are actually divine automatons.

[edit] Further Reading

More information can be obtained from their official website.