University of The North Pole
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The University of The North Pole, or UTNP, is a for-profit organization dedicated to pushing the boundaries of clinical madness, until they can find something else to do that makes more money without requiring excessive brilliance or exercise.
The University was founded in 1776 A.C. (1775 A.D.) in London, France. In 1780 (choose your dating system) the University was airlifted to the North Pole, where it was summarily dropped on Santa's Workshop.
"The University of The North Pole? Never heard of 'em."
— Oscar Wilde on the University of The North Pole
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[edit] Facilities
The UTNP contains two cafeterias, a game room, and what is rumored to be infinite experimentation labs. The University has no designated storage areas, and hence is forced to resort to raiding and pillaging the rest of the scientific community for anything from defibrillators and scalpels to pets and janitorial staff. This raiding is vicious and frequent, since the materials pilfered tend to break, disappear, thaw out, or complain about living conditions, respectively.
A few of the more interesting parts of the building appear below. (This list contains only those areas which have been confirmed to actually exist.)
[edit] The How To Have Fun Wing
In 1868, UTNP raided the University of California in Boise, Idaho, and returned with numerous unmarked boxes. Those boxes, they discovered, contained an assortment of hit arcade stations, including some thirty Donkey Kong cases, fifteen of Missile Command, and one of the beta version crossover Barbie in Doom. The original decision to put all the arcade games into the designated game room was discarded when it was discovered that they would not all fit. After a good deal of thinking (and even more waiting around for someone else to do a good deal of thinking), it was decided that one of the adjacent laboratories would be converted into an auxiliary game room.
Since then, the laboratory has been expanded several times to fit all the cool stuff that has been looted from around the globe. In 1867, the facility was dubbed the 'How To Have Fun Wing', supposedly dedicated to the exploration of having large amounts of fun and wasting as much time as possible doing it.
The wing is powered by a cold fission reactor, the only source of electricity large enough to run the three-story-high animatronic monkey formerly of Cambridge University in England. Other features include a sparring ring, more than one hundred PlayStation 2s (which are also used to calibrate and aim the UTNP's Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles, or ICBMs), and the world-renowned Wall of Fuzzy Dice.
Interns and underclassmen (women were banned from UTNP in 1879 for their indefatigable efforts of unseemly conduct and debauchery) are not told the location of the How To Have Fun Wing, and are instead directed to the 'real' game room, whose aging bumper paddle machine and wall darts board (a recent carbon-dating test proved conclusively that the dart board was over twenty million years old, and a bloodstain just outside the bullseye was proved, by taste-test, to be Aristotle's) are gathering so much dust that they are considered worthy of a level-three disease quarantine.
[edit] The Big Stuff Room
The UTNP is home to one of the largest known collections of Big Stuff. Much of the Stuff in this room is so large, any written descriptions of the Room itself or the Objects within must be capitalized to express how Big they are.
No actual experiments are undergone while in the Big Stuff Room, and only individuals over 4 feet 10 inches tall are permitted to enter the Big Room (as people under 4'10" are 'Little People', ironically capitalized also). The Big Stuff Room is home to a pair of Pink Whales, cousin to the now-extinct Blue Whale (remarks one faculty member, 'they're mating like 100-foot-long rabbits!'), a cubist-expressionist rendering of Oscar Wilde's Ego (still under construction after twenty years), and the section of the Great Wall of China.
Sentient Lint, the UTNP mascot, is not housed in the Big Stuff Room due to bad planning.
[edit] Santa's Workshop
Actually a separate entity, Santa's Workshop is one of the premiere arms manufacturers in the entire world, and is located in the UTNP basement. The workforce of this corporation, called 'Elves' (and classified as Little People, hence their exclusion from the Big Stuff Room), are regularly complemented by the faculty of UTNP to keep up with orders from third-world countries during the busy arms-dealing season (January through December) when 'business is booming'.
[edit] Missile Silos
The UTNP had ICBM missiles installed throughout the University campus shortly after reaching a working relationship with the owner and operator of Santa's Workshop, one 'Santa Claus' (reverently referred to as 'Unkie Klaus' by interns, who believe he has supernatural powers. Which, incidentally, he does). These missiles are controlled via the PlayStation 2s in the How To Have Fun Wing (which is accessible to the Elves), and are trained on the majority of the world's capital cities.
[edit] Academia
The University of The North Pole (see above) is, despite the constant and vehement disclaimers of those who reside there, a meritorious and distinguished academic institution. It should be understood that this is a fluke. There is no concrete evidence, at least on a multicellular level, that any intelligent exploration of existence occurs at UTNP whatsoever, although there is quite a lot of concrete on the premises.
After observing other secondary-education facilities (respectfully called 'targets', 'unsuspecting fools', or 'those poor bastards' by the UTNP faculty) for decades, the University raiding parties established two facts: 1. That many colleges and universities are in the business of imparting specialized knowledge of substance and worth to their students, and 2. Those institutions that offer no specialized knowledge of substance and worth to their students are disproportionately popular (see liberal arts and Ivy League).
After a brief discussion of these discoveries with the rest of the faculty, and subsequent realization that the UTNP qualified under the second point, a mad rush took place with the intent of making the UTNP look as boring as possible to outside observers, so as to avert the inevitable influx of stupid young people.
"Those stupid young people were the reason we left London in the first place. We like our hallowed halls free from 'dudes', 'chix' and 'hos', thank you very much."
— Professor Jhonen Vasquez on stupid young people
[edit] Courses
One of the first preventive measures against the pending population boom was the distribution of free condoms to all male staff. Then, they constructed a comprehensive list of all courses available at UTNP. The original course list, written on the back of an Owner's Manual for a Game Boy Color, is now prominently displayed in the UTNP atrium under inch-thich bulletproof glass (the document can be removed if a UTNP Game Boy is acting strangely, or if the faculty wants to know how to deal with battery leakage). Later versions of the Course List, printed on clean laminated paper, and called 'Menus', can be found throughout the UTNP cafeterias.
[edit] Appetizers
Salad
Bruschetta
Rack of Lamb
Lack of Ram (insisted upon by Culinary Arts professor William Spooner)
[edit] Entrees
Salad (the big one)
Hamburger
Pasta (specify 'the long, stringy type' or 'the not long, stringy type')
Rack of Sheep
Meat on a stick (specify 'pointy stick' or 'not pointy stick')
Milk
[edit] Dessert
Fruit Platter (now with Pineapples and Mondays!)
Chocolate
Mousse
Moose (serious inquiries only)
[edit] Other Precautionary Measures
Yet another lynchpin in the UTNP's system of defense against outsiders is the university's arsenal of upwards of seven hundred intercontinental ballistic missiles (originally installed to be used as bargaining chips in the United Nations' negotiations regarding the Human-Missile Crisis of 1965. The missiles have remained because, as it turns out, the UTNP was not invited to said negotiations, and nobody feels satisfied enough with their air-defense systems to ask to have them removed.
Since that time, the ICBM's have been used to deter possible applicants by being pointed in a threatening manner at everything from mail carriers approaching the University to the applicants themselves, and even, in one memorable incident, the University itself (in a desperate bid to prevent the entrance of seven Californian students who, due to a clerical error, were actually accepted to the University. The Dean of Students Of Which There Are None Making This Post Utterly Meaningless threatened that if even one of the students just so much as exhaled over the threshhold, the University would commit suicide).
[edit] Athletics
The atheltic team's mascot is the Snowman. They share a huge rivarly with the University of the South Pole, who are the Little Hitlers. The most famous athelete who played for the university is Chuck Norris. Santa Clause also played a little offensive line for the Snowmen.
[edit] Faculty
"Everyone needs someone to show everyone how to goof off properly. And, by God (damn him!), that someone should be me."
— Professor Jhonen Vasquez on the importance of faculty
The University's first staff members were actually convicts bound for Australia. Shipwrecked shortly after leaving dock (in their memoirs, several of those involved were convinced the boat was not finished in the first place, as it did not have a hull), they swam to the University (to this day, about one-third of the campus is underwater) and were convinced that they had reached the Promised Land. This misconception persists to this day, although the majority of the proponents of this fallacy admit that they thought the Promised Land would be cleaner.
[edit] William Spooner, M.D.
"Oops."
William 'Sexy Bill' Spooner has been the mess officer at UTNP for most of his life. Actually, all of his life. He was born in the cafeteria kitchen and left, bloody and throbbing, in a half-empty bowl of ramen noodles ('the long, stringy type'), almost at the exact moment his predecessor, David Byrne, suffered a massive brain aneurysm and sprayed gore and dookie all over a shipment of banana slugs 'forwarded' from the entomology department of Rio de Janeiro University (RdJU).
Spooner, still throbbing, was hired on the spot, cleaned off, and wrapped in a dish towel. The banana slugs were absorbed by Sentient Lint, cleaned off by Sentient Lint, regurgitated by Sentient Lint and deposited, not by Sentient Lint but by helicopter, on the front lawn of President Eleanor Q. Roosevelt. The latter, which came to be known as 'The Great Slug Drop', earned the University the Nobel Peace Prize for inciting World War VII in 1941, the third of 47 Nobel Prizes the University has received to date.
Dr. Spooner is still throbbing, and there is little hope that he will ever stop.
[edit] Professor Jhonen Vasquez
"'Dear God: You are doing a terrible job. Below is a short list of things you can do to suck less...'"
Arguably the most prolific public figure on the UTNP staff, Professor Jhonen Vasquez is a shining example of how much time can be fruitlessly expended in the 'pursuit of knowledge, or something equally vague but legitimate-sounding'. His seemingly conceited introversion and selfish attitude towards everything is just that; the bastard's energetic personal magnetism, induced by a daily Prozac, a hell of a lot of Pez and a healthy dose of cocaine, is one of the more prominent mysteries pondered by the rest of the staff at UTNP.
"So, exactly how many times are you going to quote me in your article?"
A rampant inferiority complex developed early in childhood (likely caused by the fact that Professor Vasquez is either an only child, an older child or a younger child) has produced a number of interesting personality traits in this Narcissus of the North Pole. Perhaps the most noticeable in casual conversation is Professor Vasquez' insistence that others attach the honorific 'Professor' to his name whenever they address or mention him. This rule applies regardless of context. Even during sex. It's ridiculous.
"So, exactly how many times are you going to quote me in your article?"
Despite his egotistical tyranny, Professor Vasquez is one of the most 'productive' heads of research at UTNP. He has passed every course available at the University (judging by the wide variety of odors emanating from the bathroom at any given time of the day), and has received no fewer than six diplomas for Poultry Abuse.
"I'm not doing it for the degrees. I just like strangling chickens."
[edit] God
Despite persistent rumors that the Lord of All Creation resides in Heaven, almost any sober UTNP employee will tell you that He is usually in the break room of the University, chain smoking Virginia Slims and freaking out interns by telling them they're going to Hell. He then tells them that He's just kidding, and then He goes into a rant about how that bitch Mary totally screwed over His grand design of the universe by getting pregnant.
"...Okay, fine, I admit, it was My fault. If I'd just kept the ol' lizard in My pants until Oprah came along, I would be rich, and then I could blow this dump."
— God on the Virgin Mary's pregnancy
According to a recent survey fabricated by Professor Jhonen Vasquez, God is the least popular individual, entity, or combination thereof residing at UTNP. This survey, which Professor Vasquez glued to the wall every three feet along the corridors and hallways of the University, is the latest attempt by Professor Vasquez to communicate his intense dislike of the Divine presence at UTNP.
"Fuck you, Jhonen."
— God to Professor Jhonen Vasquez
[edit] How'd He Get Here, And Why Won't He Leave?
God first came to the University after the heavily publicized massacres at Sodom and Gomorrah. Loki, the trigger angel God put up to the task of 'doing the deed', was apprehended at the scenes of the crime and brought to trial at Nuremburg, where he confessed that he was 'just following orders' and then fingered the capo de tutti capi Himself.
In order to avoid arrest, God hid in a bunker with his favorite sex slave, Eva Braun. Unfortunately, the Lord's spider-hole was uncovered by a squirrel that had lost track of a couple of its acorns. The Master of Creation was forced to abandon both his bunker and Braun for the relative safety of the UTNP*.
"That fucking squirrel."
— God on that fucking squirrel
Even at the University, the Big One has been beset by legal troubles. In 1976, God was subpoenaed after being seen watching female faculty members showering. Choosing to waive His (actually nonexistant) right to an attorney, He then cited His own omnipresence: He was everywhere, and therefore had no choice but to watch not only the female faculty showering, but the men as well; and that, in his opinion, was punishment enough. The tribunal disagreed, and God was sentenced to house arrest for the rest of existence. The police are still trying to figure out how to implement that sentence. All attempts to handcuff God have so far failed.
- The University is one of only three locations on Earth outside the jurisdiction of any law system or agency dedicated to upholding said law systems. UTNP is, in fact, classified as a demilitarized zone, despite the presence of numerous pointy, incendiary, nuclear, or otherwise dangerous objects on the premises.
The other anarchic locations are Madagascar (in the Indian Ocean), and Stalingrad, Russia (currently suspended in geosynchronous orbit over Los Angeles, USA).
[edit] Santa Claus
Santa Claus is just a goof-off. He only shows up above-ground on Christmas Eve, and only then to take off in a sleigh hauled by flying reindeer. Most of the time, the campus community ignores him.
[edit] Interns
"Where's that goddamn midget with my latte?"
- God, mistaking one of Santa's Elves for a University intern
These valiant, unpaid individuals are 'as undeserving of notice as they are unworthy of the air they walk on', according to Professor Jhonen Vasquez. Fortunately, neither the rest of the faculty, nor the rest of the world, sees Professor Vasquez as anything more than a crude source of entertainment.
The interns at the University are, in fact, some of the most remarkable individuals that anyone has ever met. Rather than being the useless bottom-feeders most institutions protray them as, the UTNP interns are renowned for their diligence and expertise in whatever work they apply themselves to. The fact that the UTNP administrative offices is still standing is a prime example of this excellence: after discovering the entire building on the verge of collapse, a pair of interns held up the roof with 'acquired' helicopters while another engineered an anti-gravity device exploiting the Coriolis Effect.
"It was beautiful. The entire building was hovering six feet off the ground. Every so often, a breeze would rotate the entire building onto its side. They had to staple the computers to the desks to keep them from sliding off."
- William Spooner, throbbing eerily
After receiving most of the world's major awards for scientific, architectural and aviation excellence, the interns involved were summarily expelled from the University, as the rest of the faculty had, in fact, made painstaking efforts to render the restored building structurally unsound in order to kill off the staff of the Office of Admissions (who are generally despised by everyone at the University). The interns were promptly offered a variety of international professorships and other vocations, and their current employers praise them for both their eclectic talents and their lack of concern as to whether anything they use or create may be illegal.
"Morally reprehensible? Possibly. But thinking like that keeps me from finishing this birthday present for Mr. Jong Il."
- Former UTNP Intern, on building nuclear payloads in North Korea
[edit] Alumni
The only known graduate of the UTNP was Admiral Robert Peary, who was just passing through in 1909 and was, in an official ceremony lasting nearly three minutes, admitted as a student, given a bachelor's degree in chicken strangling, and summarily expelled (conflicting reports state that Peary was asleep at the time and never knew about any of this). Upon leaving the UTNP, Peary left for a lesser-known voyage to Antarctica, where he was eaten by penguins.
