University of Toronto
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The University of Toronto is, appropriately enough, a university that is located in Toronto, Canada, although this is still to be verified by a trustworthy source. Many famous and significant people have graduated from the U of T, and have then either been forgotten completely or moved on to more well-known academic institutions, such as MIT, Oxford, or Rafi's Pigeon Gymnasium LLC, although some do stay at the U of T for the rest of their lives for no apparent reason. Many of these people, known as "graduate students," "professors," or "janitorial staff members" (or sometimes all three) chisel away the hours remaining in their lives by performing research relating to many areas of science that are neglected for very good reasons. However, due to the large amount of research-related toiling going on at the U of T, it publishes more research than any other university in North America. Luckily, it makes up for this shocking statistics by paying little or no attention to the quality of the teaching being done on its campus.
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[edit] History
The University was chartered in 1827 as King's College, the first official en mass scheme to steal money from youth under the pretension of education. At first controlled by members of the Church of England and the colonial establishment to brainwash youth, the university acquired its present name in 1850 upon becoming a secular institution, so it could steal money from students through higher tuition fees. Since the creation of University College (peasants college) in 1853 as the first of its constituent colleges, the university had also incorporated the ecclesiastical schools of Trinity College (snob college), Victoria University (freak college) and St. Michael's College (never-get-laid college) among others into its organization. It later also incorporated New College (FOB central)in 1962, Innis College (artsy weirdos) in 1964 and Woodsworth College (rejected from all other colleges)in 1974.
[edit] Location
The University of Toronto has one, large campus in downtown Toronto called the St. George campus. This is the campus where all the real University of Toronto student with any merit attend. All academic excellence and awards come from the St. George campus. The St. George campus houses a large quantity of freaks and emos, apparent by the constant array of gothic style buildlings that scatter the campus and cost millions of dollars in repairs every year.
However, the University also owns several other pieces of land in the nearby vicinity, including:
- U of T Scarborough
- U of T Mississauga
In order to maximize its profits, the university decided to tarnish its reputation and standard of excellence by accepting second rate students with lower academic averages (below 80%) into the Scarborough and Mississauga campuses. As a result, while the university prospers, St. George campus students suffer the humiliation of having their hard earned elitist and snobbish mentality shattered by the gun-wielding Scarborough students and "think-they-are-smart-but-not" Mississauga students.
[edit] Academics
The University's top priority since its creation has always been to procure large amounts of money from students and allow them to occupy an uncomfortable seat for several hours while listening to a bitter professor who really doesn't want to be there. Frankly, no one enjoys the experience, and it's been no small wonder to the outside world for many years now why the university doesn't simply take money from the students and end this whole, painfully misguided "education" thing right then and there. The university is also known to have the country's largest number of undergraduate students, prompting one to think whether the guy beside you is in fact human or just another rock.
It also totes a library system that is Canada's largest academic library and is the third-largest in North America, after Harvard, and Yale but conveniently forgets to mention that this first-rate library spams over all 3 campuses and therefore, not accessible to most students.
The fourteen-storey Robarts Library is the main humanities and social sciences library, and the largest book repository in Canada aka the largest waste of space in Canada. The architecture was inspired by the silhouette of a burnt peacock that looks more like fat hen laying an egg.It also houses the Thomas Fisher Rare Book Library, which spent millions of dollars to keep an old piece of egyptian paper in good condition while the students suffer from poor lecturers and high tuition. The Gerstein Science Information Centre is the flagship library supporting the sciences and health sciences, housing millions of mouldy books no one has touched for centuries and probably carry diseases of their own by now.
[edit] Student life
There are no clubs, activities, sports, extracurricular events, or any other occurrences at the U of T that don't involve sitting inside in an uncomfortable chair. This isn't so much because students don't wish to partake in events of this nature (most of them are either out of shape, depressed, or both, so going outside could be quite beneficial), but mainly due to the fact that the campus is infested with rabid squirrels. Only specially trained members of the University's staff (i.e. no one) are allowed outside due to the severity of this squirrel threat.
[edit] Faculties
The University of Toronto is divided into several fa-cull-tees (pronounced "bagels") so that no one person (namely, the president of the university) can take all the blame when something goes terribly, terribly wrong at the university. The bagels all have a special role in dealing with the rabid squirrel menace. Here is a list:
- Eggs
- Cereal
- Milk
- Bread
- Bagels
Now, here is a list of all the bagels at the University of Toronto:
- Faculty of Engineering and Blaming People Who Aren't Engineers For Engineering Disasters
- Faculty of Arts, Sciences, and Pretending We'll Play a Useful Role in Society Once We Graduate
- Faculty of Law and Ruining Lives
- Eggs, run by a weird child who thinks he's four billion stars, by the name of Sagan
- Toast, run by a stranger child still--by proxy, from uber-cool Ryerson--by the name of Jenelle
- Faculty of Uncomfortable Chair Development
- Faculty of Toast for Siberian Hamsters, run by some faerie candy kid by the name of Jenelle
- Faculty of Fly Fishing Fencers Who Attended Formaldehyde, run by Twizzler-fetishist Dan
[edit] Arch-nemesis
The University of Toronto's sworn enemy and arch-nemesis is Ryerson "University". One of these days, Rye High, one of these days...
Larry from Muskoka is also looked upon with loathing after the 2003 blackout that affected the U of T, due to hideous, hideous comments he made on CBC Radio. U of T's slogan, "Subway: Eat Fresh!", is latin for, "We've gotta kill that damn Larry from Muskoka!" The translation was performed by Rabid Squirrel #504, who is well-known around the U of T for his helpful nature and obsession with devouring the brains of students. He is not an arch nemesis of the University of Toronto.
