Today's featured article

When one intends to rob a bank, the best plan is to have a plan. It's like those alliterating bastards always say, proper planning prevents piss poor productivity. As such, plan on having a plan. Make sure this plan you plan is planned well, unless you plan on planning some jail time, too. The best plan of them all, however, is not for the faint of heart. It is as illegal as it is dangerous, and would lower your societal position to new depths. You'd be lower than an adulterer. Lower than a murderer. Lower than the rapingest rapist ever to rape a rapee. Lower than the economy. Lower than the moral sensitivity of that guy in the mental institution. However, you'd be fucking richer than those guys on Wall Street, so get in there and rob a bank with your penis. (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Written in 1985 by Chris Van Allsburg, Polar (s)Express: Hot Chocolate is the story of a magical, North Pole bound vehicle that trolls suburban neighborhoods at night, enticing children with promises of meeting Santa Claus and "Hot Chocolate." It won all sorts of awards I can't be bothered to name right now, and was turned into a mediocre CGI movie in 2004.

Mr. Allsburg is still at large for his horrible crimes.

• ...that the 24 Hours of LeMons includes such penalties as tarring and feathering a racer's car and crushing a car via audience vote?

• ...that the old hippie chick who’s always collecting money for some wacky cause or other is heading to your front door at this very minute?

• ...tfel ot thgir morf nettirw si werbeH taht?

• ...that Godot isn't coming?

• ...that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?

• New site provides outstanding insights in caveman-animal relationship. (pictured)

• Charles, if you are reading this your house is burning down as I type.

• Robert Mugabe bails out world financial system out-of-pocket.

• Sylvia's Mother admits she lied. "She made a pass at me!" says Dr. Hook

• The Pirates seize a shipload of morons - aliens disappointed, annihilation of Earth imminent.

• Black men more likely to get cancer. Cancer accused of racism.

• Bank Marathon to replace Bank Run in next olympics.

• Ignorance brings death and famine to all American Swine.

• Some of our bases have been repatriated. Hooray!

• Radio star Michael Savage has been assassinated.

• Ivan Ooze actor Paul Freeman's career dies.

• Stock markets soar as US House of Representatives approves bail out bill, economic crisis over.

• KKK makes controversial decision to back Obama for president.

• Paulson encourages banks to generate more bad loans

• My country is better than your entire continent!

• 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BC) is assassinated by the C.I.A. Historians say this is impossible because the C.I.A. wasn't in existence yet... which is exactly what the C.I.A. would like to have you believe.
• 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
• 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
• 1937 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky has a bunch of unpainted helicopters sitting around his factory, and gets a deal on 5000 gallons of black paint. The Black Helicopter is invented. You'd have to be pretty naive to think this was just a lucky coincidence.
• 1939 - Nothing happened in Germany! We were all on vacation! ALLE NATIONE WERDEN SICH UNTER DEUTSCHLAND VERBEUGEN!!!
• 1947 - Nothing happens at Roswell (wink wink).
• 1949 - First meeting of the Trilateral Commission... or is it?
• 1950 - Campaign to flouridate the water supply begun by Communists.
• 1951 - Members of The Resistance discover that tin foil can block mind control rays.
• 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
• 1965 - CIA begins spiking the water supply with LSD. The next five years are a fucking blast.
• 1968 - NASA works feverishly to build the sets for the 1969 "moon landings".
• 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
• 1981 - C.I.A. begins research into several devious weapons which will allow them to covertly destroy the fabric of American society, including crack cocaine, AIDS, and Celine Dion.
• 1983 - An automotive engineer invents an engine that runs for 1000 miles on a gallon of water. He disappears 3 days later and is never seen again.
• 1999 - They start following me, first its at a distance, but by October they are no more than 100 yards away at any one time.
• 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, the Vatican, the Frito-Lay company, and the Cub Scouts.
• 2001 - Now they have bugged my telephone, and I am telling you the apartment opposite has a camera facing into my rooms.
• 2006 - William Shatner still on TV. I'm telling ya, there's gotta be a conspiracy behind that one.
• 2007 - Bob Barker is still alive, despite rumors of beliefs that he is suspected to be 124 years old.
• 2008 - CIA disbanded... or is it just the beginning?
• 2010 - That Guy is spotted on the roof with a rifle of some sort...

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What can one possibly say about Hyperbole? In the past few months, his writing has liberated the Uncyclopedia people from the chains of mediocrity. He's practically rewritten the entire comedic bible in his stay at this website. Funnier than a bear is strong! Why, the sheer significance of this amazing writer's talents, completely eclipses the significance of events as important as 9-11! And that's not all. "Hype" as we like to call him, is quite the ladies man. Women are just falling all over him!!! And so am I! I'm falling all over him! I'm infatuated with this writer's REVOLUTIONARY contributions to comedy! I'm going to die! Do you hear me?! I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!! That's how good he is!

A man of a thousand names, Multiliteralist is also apparently a man of a thousand literalists. Last month he arrived at Uncyclopedia with his metaphorical guns blazing, which was probably good, because arriving at Uncyclopedia with actual guns blazing probably would've resulted in some injuries. During Multiliteralist's short time here, he has already educated people about the horrible danger of the blank hole, the dangerous horror of the Spiteworm, the undeniable benefits of Total TrashTM, and the horribly dangerous horror-danger of the Cult of Klestosapharot.

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