UnNews:Main Page

School Counselor Almost Actually Accomplishes Something

Witchitaw, Wisconsin: In the closest call of the entire decade, school counselor Kate Grimm almost actually accomplished something in the form of rebellious student Mark Hamilton.

For several weeks, Mrs. Grimm talked with Mark Hamilton and lead him into confessing several personal problems that were causing him to act out, such as his parents' recent divorce and his abusive older brother. Mrs. Grimm, with pride, counseled and assisted him through all of his issues, hoping to eventually reach a breakthrough.
» Full story

Fresh air hits Beijing - thousands collapse

BEIJING, China - A sudden change in air quality has affected the health of thousands of unsuspecting Beijing citizens. In order to make visitors of the Olympic Games feel more at home, the local authorities have started a campaign for clean air, banning private cars and motorcycles from the city, shutting down the worst polluters among factories and power plants, limiting civilians to five cigarettes a day, and so on.
» Full story

Wall Street Got Drunk!

North (hic) America, Waschington (Hic) DC, UESHA

President Busch, (hic), said at a presh conferense today that Wall Street got drunk (hic) and now haz a hang over. It muzt have been quite a (hic) party! President Busch told the press that they were not (hic) invited and turn off the cameras because it gives him a headache when the (hic) flasch goes off because of all the heavy drinking he did last night. President Busch and Condoleeza Riche (hic) played a game of quarters all night going over those (hic) echonomisch reports.

Luckyly for usch, someone recorded the event with a (hic) cell phone camera and posted it to Youtube and Digg and Reddit. Then da fricking BBC picked it up, and posted it on their web site right before (hic) happy hour when pints are just 2 pound sterlings each.
» Full story