Unquotable:Keanu Reeves
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“If this bus goes under 50 miles-an-hour, it will explode. Believe it or not, that may not be the best thing for us right now.”
~ Keanu Reeves on not going under 50 miles an hour
“The red pills fuck you up real good.”
~ Keanu Reeves on the red pills
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Keanu Reeves has starred in several motion pictures, including The Matrix, Speed, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, and The Matrix 2: Return to Matrix Island. (Rumors that he has signed a deal to appear in the upcoming Bill and Ted's Heinous Divorce Settlement could not be substantiated at the time of this writing.)[1] Reeves has been quoted saying many memorable and ingenious things — quotes that brilliantly display the high level of ingenuity Keanu Reeves possesses, quotes that show just how wise and knowledgeable Reeves is, and quotes that are so deep and multi-layered that they appear to make no sense whatsoever.[2] Unfortunately, due to his amazing level of intelligence, many people have taken to making up false Keanu Reeves quotes, in effect portraying him in a less than complimentary manner. For shame!
This practice has been going on for several years, and it has given Mr. Reeves the reputation that he is a dim-witted, wooden actor, with little or no discernible talent. What follows includes a little of both, annotated so that your simple minds can come slightly closer to comprehending Keanu's vast wisdom.
Keanu on The Mysteries of Life
- "Huh?"
- "Who are you?"
- "Why am I here?"[3]
- "Whoah..."[4]
- "All we are is dust in the wind, dude."[5]
- "Who is Mickey Mouse, anyway? Nobody knows who's inside the suit. It could even be me..."[6]
Keanu on The Matrix
- "I should have taken the blue pill. I heard from Trinity that it was raspberry flavored."
- "Remember that kid who could bend the spoon? Well, I found out later he staged the whole thing. Kinda ticked me off."
- "The Matrix is like a bowl of cereal. I'm like the milk."
- "I don't like the feeling that I'm not in control of my life. I could be getting raped, right now, and wouldn't even know it."
- "The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way. That's what I heard, anyway. Never tried it myself."
- "One of the aspects I like about the films is that there is a kind of emotional, psychological discussion during the storytelling. In fact, before you start taking drugs, go through yourself, experience yourself, all your hopes and fears in your own time. You know, philosophize a bit. Then you can get loaded."
- ""I know kung fu, ju-jitsu, sumo, quasi-sumo, tai-kwan-do, drunken boxing, wrestling, mud wrestling, and naked mud wrestling. Now, all I need to know is how to act..." [7]
Keanu on The Existential Crisis
- "I'm sorry my existence is not very noble, sublime, or even beneficial."
- "Here comes 40. I'm feeling my age, and I've ordered the Ferrari. I'm going to get the whole mid-life crisis package - you have to order that special with the newer Testarossa models, but I think it comes standard on the Modena Spider."
- "I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy."
Keanu on things which he considers excellent
- "Iron Maiden? Excellent!"
Keanu on People Thinking He's Gay
- "For a while people were saying that David Geffen and I had gotten married. That just blew me away. Not because they thought I was gay, but that they thought I could land a guy that hot."
- "It's always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. Men don't have that - they just have really smelly underwear, or at least that's what I've found. Anyway, if you can make a woman laugh, you're probably seeing the most beautiful thing on God's Earth. I'm guessing it is, anyway. It's something I've always wanted to see."
Keanu on Death
- "I used to have nightmares that they would put He played Ted on my tombstone, but I managed to cure that by having my tombstone made in advance, just in case. Not having nightmares is awesome. What was even cooler, I put He played Bill on it, just to screw with peoples' heads."
- "What would happen if you melted? You know, you never really hear this talked about much, but spontaneous combustion - it exists. People burn from within. Sometimes they'll be in one of those movie theaters with stadium seating, and the seat won't burn, but there'll be nothing left of the person. Except sometimes his tub of popcorn. No one speaks about this, but I guess as long as the popcorn survives, no one really cares."
Keanu on Music
- "Iron Maiden? Excellent!"
Keanu on Acting
- "Being a famous actor can be very surreal. It's easy to become very self-critical when you're an actor, and then you get critiqued by the critics, too. Sometimes the critics organize protest marches and boycotts against you, too - that really sucks. Occasionally they'll try to have you arrested for 'crimes against humanity' and things like that, and that sucks even worse. Every once in a while they'll form huge international consortiums to build spacecraft capable of reaching other planets, just so they can get as far away from you as possible, but that hasn't happened to me for a couple of years now. The last time it happened, though, it kinda sucked."
- "When I don't feel free and can't do what I want, I just react. I become a reactor. It's like being a regular actor, only it has two extra letters."
Keanu on River Phoenix
- "You can't blame Hollywood for what happened to River Phoenix. You might blame Phoenix, Arizona, because that city had the same name and there's all that dry heat, but even that's pushing it. The fact is, kids are doing drugs everywhere in the world. He had his own very personal problems I will never discuss with the press, but since this is Uncyclopedia, I can tell you that he was very unhappy about not being asked to testify before the Congressional Subcommitee on Corruption in the Aromatic Candle-Making Industry, and he never really got over it."
Keanu on Medieval Torture Devices
- "Iron Maiden? Excellent!"
Notes
- ↑ Seriously, stop asking about it!
- ↑ Woah.
- ↑ This quote, like those that precede it and many that follow, demonstrates Keanu's existentialist leanings. Always questioning, Keanu seeks the answers to the greatest of all questions: "Why are we here?" "Is there a reason for our existence?" "What does it all mean?" "Where is that darn TV remote!?" "Are those real?
- ↑ With his ever-analytical mind, Keanu is always questioning. This quote demonstrates his overpowering urge to seek the reasons for all of life's great truths.
- ↑ This quote, too, shows Keanu's existentialist feelings. As he remarks to his silent companion, he considers all of humanity as naught but "dust in the wind, dude."
- ↑ Here, Keanu demonstrates his Descartian learnings, and his thoughts on the differences between each person's perception of life, as well the human response to mysteries, the need to know. Keanu is also on a lot of Ritalin.
- ↑ From a cutscene of The Matrix when Keanu Reeves forgets his Ritalin meds for the day.
