Uruguay
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“What is this, a court hearing?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Uruguay
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| Motto: Si a las papeleras (English Motto: I like pie) | |||||
| National Anthems Highway to Hell | |||||
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| Capital | Montevideo (don't ask where the name comes from, after 280 years no one knows the answer) | ||||
| President | Terere Vazquez | ||||
| Vicepresident | Oscar Wilde | ||||
| Official Language | Italian | ||||
| Religion | Mate | ||||
| National Sport | Desperately hope for a British invasion | ||||
| Independent? | No, thanks. | ||||
| Unofficial languages | Plancha, casteshano | ||||
| Currency | Gold ingots | ||||
| Population? | Evil cows | ||||
| GDP Per Capita | A million dollars | ||||
| Sex | With your mom | ||||
| Internet TLD | .MOO | ||||
| Ethnic Composition | Planchs 42.1% Actual people 1.2% Benevolent cows 20% Evil cows 45% Public employees 14% Quaint Natives | ||||
| Literacy Rate | Eberione in Uruguay can read ann wright | ||||
| Special abilities | Emigrate | ||||
Uruguay was one of the last countries of South America to become independent because they could never know if they were from Portugal, Spain, Brazil, Argentina or Great Britain. One day some guy who was having a barbecue with his 32 friends said, "So, are we a country now?", but none of his 32 mates could answer his question.
Prior to 1967, Uruguay was considered the funniest name of a country anywhere in the world, but Ethiopia currently holds that title.
That's it so far. But we're looking forward to lots more exciting history from this sweet little nation!
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Early history
Before the arrival of the Portuguese and Spaniards in 1561 the natives of Urinary lived by hunting, fishing, Scrabble, tea breaks, and hiding from Inca warriors. The Europeans took pity on these Charrúa indians and slaughtered them gently. The remaining Charrúas are members the Urinarian national fútbol team, making it the worlds largest, at 2.5 million strong.
Originally a colony of Spain, Brazil annexed the countryside north of the Rio Pípí in 1821 and made it Brazil's southernmost province. However, in 1825 the fiery revolutionary La vacalleja incited a rebellion against the Brazilians, whom he said had stifled the trade in novelty toast spreads. After a bitter struggle and several doses of chlortrazinine the Brazilians gave up and Bovril officially put himself out with a bucket of water. The Treaty of Utrecht, in 1828, recognized Urinary as a something vaguely out there. The wet and steaming ex-revolutionary La vacalleja became its first leader.
In 1954, the country was filed under "Uninteresting" by the World Bank.
[edit] The Oriental Exodus
In 1811, in order to escape from the Plancha invasion, Uruguay's national hero José Gervasio Artigas lead the people of Uruguay to Uncyclopedia-land (somewhere near Ayuí), after a highly successful siege of the city during which the entire expedition died (except for all the cows... oh, and a few Gauchos) in what was called the Battle of the Stoned.
[edit] Argentina-Brazil War
In 1865 Uruguay fought the Great War against Argentina and Brazil. Uruguay won and conquered half of their territories. But 10 days later Uruguay lost everything in a poker game against Francisco Solano Lopez, the president of Paraguay. This guy didn't get to keep the territories either, because Argentina and Brazil declared war against Paraguay and took their territories back.
[edit] The Urinary Tract Canal
Bovril decreed that the country's new found independence should be marked by the construction of a major canal that would cut all the way through Urinary, Brazil, Bolivia, Peru, Chile and Argentina to join the Atlantic to the Pacific and then back to the Atlantic again. Over 9000 kilometers long, the Urinary Tract Canal' was projected to take 97 years to complete.
On the day of the first dig, Bovril arrived to a huge fanfare and announced that the canal would be used to transport urine all around South America to help with the goat farming industry. Urine, an essential ingredient in goat polish, had previously been taken around the content by boat. Without a canal, the boat had to be dragged by an old man with a budgie. This proved economically impractical.
On the second day of the dig, Bovril came back and told everyone to just go home, as Panama was taking the piss instead. A woman threw a shovel at him.
[edit] Recent years
In early 1990 Uruguay faced a strong invasion of viking-like creatures from Argentina called "Los Planchas". These obscure beings have their own religion with the same name as their tribe, and even their own language, which is almost incomprehensible to any sane person. They also seem to worship "Cumbia" - something they claim to be and dare to call music. Furthermore, some of them enjoy playing some game called "Conter" on something named "Güindouz". As of today, they rule Uruguay side by side with Tabaré Etcheverry, and it is suspected that José "Pepe" Mujica might be among them. Regardless, he's definitely a homosexual nazi psychopath.
Fortunately for the Uruguayans, in the early 21st century the Uruguayan bourgeoisie began fighthing courageously against the Plancha threat - starting by eliminating internal infestation. This called for "An Exodus From Side To Side" of the Uruguayan coast (called "La Rambla") to "Scare And Get Rid Of The Planchas As Well As Raise The Morale Of The Normal People", which continues to this day (and will probably take forever, like anything in this country).
“It's not music - it's not even noise -, but your IQ surely decreases every time you listen to it!”
~ Uruguayan bourgeois on Cumbia, the Plancha music
[edit] Geography
“Marge, there's a country here that says "u r gay"!”
The countryside of Urinary is flat, moist, susceptible to fungal infections, and semi-tropical. The great Rio Pípí is navigable for the entire stretch through Urinary, and despite an infestation of the wretched candíru fish -- or perhaps because of it -- the great river plays an important part in the nightmares of Urinarians.
The smaller Rio Negro has been dammed with the world's largest ureocalcite structure, forming the Vejiga reservoir. This manmade lake covers 13,000 Scottish hectares (11,450 Egyptian thards, or 5,000 square pthalatoids). Hydroelectric production at the dam provides enough electricity to shock the fillings out of the entire population of Urinary at one time.
Montevideo, the capital and largest city, was founded in 1545 by the Portuguese and taken over by the Spanish in 1611 when they discovered that Spain is much larger than Portugal. The city is famous for the neoclassical colonial architecture, its colorful markets, and its persistent itching.
The second-largest city is Escrotál, a tough waterfront town. Urinarians say that Montevideo has the hair but Escrotál has the balls.
[edit] Facts
It is believed that there are Gummi Bears currently residing in Uruguay, and/or that it's Osama's favourite playground. Rumors say that the Gummi Bears are hiding and planning their invasion to take over the world and impose the GBOA (Gummi Bears On Acid) Empire.
Idiosyncrasy: When an Uruguayan tells you a joke, even if you give the most evident sign that you understood and enjoyed it (i.e., by having a good and sound laugh), he will explain to you the reason why you are laughing, as if you did not know it. The same happens if you tell an Uruguayan a joke. If he understands and finds it funny, he will tell you exactly why he is laughing, to make sure that you know why he is laughing - as if you did not know it.
The national sport of Uruguay is Headkicking, which is a bloody stupid sport to play if you ask me.
[edit] Planch Revolution
Very common species commonly found in the South of South America. Most of them play a computer game called Counter Strike, which is an old and awful game that they mostly play in cyber-cafés, since most of planchas do not own a computer...
Nowadays you can find them everywhere in this country. They usually live in places they like to refer to as "Cantegriles" (Ghettos). One of the biggest Plancha Towns is called "40 Semanas".
They rarely take a bath, and you can usually find them drunk and drugged in the streets, with dirty clothes and a bottle of cheap wine in their hands. They can be very aggressive, and they usually tend to attack and rob normal people. The profits obtained are used for buying more cheap drugs and even cheaper wine.
The hero of this Plancha Revolution is known as "Il Gua$on". He's well known in our country for being the Original Plancha (a.k.a. Plancha Zero). His kingdom lies in Maldonado, one of the most important cities in Uruguay, and he rules these with 3 more planchas called Totan, Shoru and Maxisax. They are all known as "Il Gua$on and his Three Plancheteers".
The Uruguayan Army is preparing a massive attack to exterminate this race, but this crusade did not yet start... due to economical problems... which will be taken care of... tomorrow... yeah, tomorrow...
[edit] Uruguayan Main Occupations
- Remembering prehistoric football victories.
- Listening to the same silly radio progam every single day, especially at work time.
- Striking. So they can listen to the same silly radio program more comfortably from their homes.
- Drinking "mate" (pronounced "mah-teh") - some strange kind of heated liquid substance that tastes like urine, and is brewed from several unknown herbs and weeds which are grinded together in a shit cannon. It is believed to be highly toxic and hallucinating.
- Endlessly complaining about the present situation whatever it may be, yet not quite doing anything in order to solve, nor improve it.
- Emigrating.
- Being Lazy
Special side note: The guy that wrote this article said that he will try to see if tomorrow he can be able to see if he can try to be able to add new content in this section (if he can). So, stay tuned!
Until then, he's peacefully drinking "mate" in the Rambla, whilst at the same time striking from work and listening to that silly radio program from his top-quality portable CASIO radio.
Update: The guy that wrote this article, while drinking "mate" in the Rambla he got robbed, raped and killed by a bunch of "planchas", so he won't be updating this article anytime soon.
[edit] Government
“Go to went, when she was.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Engineering
Uruguay will be governed by the first guy who realizes that the country needs some form of government. In order to be a true ruler, he must pick some nearby object and confidently declare it the Sceptre of Uruguay.
One of the traditional powers of the Uruguayan ruler is to have the right to provide sceptre beatings to anyone who speaks the forbidden words: "That's not a sceptre, what the hell are you talking about?"
The actual president of Uruguay is Francisco "Paco" Casal, owner of the two main sources of wealth in Uruguay: football players and prostitutes. Uruguay has a long tradition in exporting both.
As Leo Maslíah has very intelligently foreseen, Uruguay will soon be ruled by cows. They are the largest population anyway.
[edit] Cities
- Montevideo - The capital and sole city of Uruguay. The origin of the city's name is subject to much controversy to this day, but the most accepted resolution is that it means something along the lines of "My penis is erect - and it's pointing west!".
Don't even bother asking about the rest of the country's territory. Evil cows rule there.
[edit] Uruguayan Language
"Está Mal." - I have no idea what it is, and I am not in the mood to ask you.
"Me chupa un huevo." - I do appreciate your opinion.
"Tu hermana está para partirla al medio" - Your sister is very pretty.
"Andá a la concha de tu madre." - Excuse me, where is the bathroom?
"La concha de la lora." - It's gonna rain.
"Me cago encima." - I feel sick.
"Es como todo." - I have no idea what you are talking about.
"¿Me explico?" - I have no idea what I am talking about.
"¿Qué te iba a decir?" - I have no idea what we were all talking about.
"Quedate tranquilo." - I have no idea what I'm doing, and you should be worried.
"Es lo que hay, valor!" - Sorry, I can't help you.
"¿Dónde puedo comprar porro?" - Hi, how are you?
"Te voy a romper la jeta, gil." - Nice to meet you.
"¿Puedo chuparte la pija?" - Do you have a cigarette?
"Te viá ser mierda tu ecositema." - I can't go to your party?
"La puta madre que te recontra parió." - What is your mother's name?
"Me hicieron el hongo." - I would like to play Super Mario.
"Me da un pesito pa'l juda?" - May I please borrow some money?
"Pedazo de hijo de puta!" - You are my best friend
"Hacete dar puta" - I want to eat pancakes
"Baja el pan, bo!" - Please do restrain from any aggressive attitude
"Te va a comer un guiso de diente, gil!" - You're about to get punched in the mouth, mate.
"Te voy a romper todo lo vidrio!" - idem
"Te va a traga toa la tecla" - idem
"P t culo roto" - Person of questionable behaviour
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "Una vina pa' la javita" (Planchas - "The same ones of always.")
- "Plancha no se hace, se nace." ("Sophistication is a virtue.")
- "Fino como tobillo de mosquito." ("Oh baby, you look so hot in that tight dress!")
- "Das más vueltas que pedo de caracol." ("A tooth for a tooth.")
- "Complicado como calzoncillo de pulpo." ("The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side.")
- "Vas a reventar como un sapo, sorete!" ("'Crazy Frog' is what the market persists on calling my character The Annoying Thing. I personally hate that name and deeply regret I didn't put a stop to that earlier.")
- "Cortito como patada de chancho." ("Hey! You said 20 inches!")
- "Salado como moco de marinero." ("No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder...?")
- "Estirado como alpargata de vagabundo." ("It's a long way into an old smelly man's shoes.")
- "'Tas más al pedo que cenicero de moto." ("You really have a lot of free time. I wish I were like you.")
- "'Tas contento como un puto con dos culos." ("You look happy!")
- "Te via' meter los pelo' pa 'dentro, como balazo en la nuca." ("I would like to marry you, and live in a house by the river.")
- "Pa' mi que a vos te gustan los renacuajos en la cara." ("Try this new product, it helps rejuvenate your skin.")
- "Los macacos pa' troden." ("Voçê enganho.")
- "No se puede competir contra quien recuerda el chiste de copular sobre el lomo del felino." ("You are definitely a sick bastard.")
- "Uruguay estaba al borde del abismo, pero con la ayuda del nuevo gobierno, pudimos dar un paso adelante!" ("Uruguay was at the edge of the abyss, but with the help of the new goverment, we were able to take a step forward!" - Some politician actually said this.)
- "Sr. Succión de Cabeza, mi gallo." ("Mr. Head, suck my cock.")
- "Se te kema el kante, p'lao" ("Now you are in trouble, bald man.")
- "Sale una fuerza pa'l vino amistá?" ("I'm kindly asking for some money before I rob you, dear friend.")
- "Bo, flaco, un pei pa la checha?" ("Say, you woudlnt happen to have any spare change on you, for a refreshing beer, now would you?")
- "Sale una ahi?" ("Would you be kind enough to share?")
- "Pero que pedazo de manko!" ("I'm truly impressed with your abilities at this videogame.")
