User:☯/How To:Fake Your Death On The Internet

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☯ and YTTE haven't finished this article yet.
Nothing to see here, carry on.

All right, let's face the facts: your life sucks. Every day you feel like someone's shitting on you. You have no friends. So who do you turn to? Well, of course, you turn to something you can rely on: the internet. For years the internet has provided you with laughter, videos, games, fun, hassle-free shopping, super fun and money, so why can't it provide you with a life and with friends? But that's the thing: even on the internet, your existence is futile. They ignore you.

Fortunately for you and your loved ones, the constant lonely state of your life hasn't forced you to drastic measures. However, like lonely off-shore rocks eroded by the constant pulsing of the waves of apathy, you have been worn down over the years. As time has passed, you've begun to become a psychopath -- the sort of psychopath who craves attention beyond all other mortal joys. If you don't have attention, you'll wilt.

So what do you do? It's obvious that reality has all but crushed you, and do you really want to potter around as a mediocre member of this forum and an average user of that site? Well, do you?

There's one thing that's been scientifically tested, is 100% effective and safe to use! You'll see the effects in days! But what is it, you cry?

It's faking your own death on the internet, of course!

No, don't act disgusted, you know you've always wanted to do it. Your subconscious has always nagged at you. Now, in clear steps, we're going to lay out the chance of a lifetime before you. All you have to do is reach out your bony fingers and grasp at it. Go on, grasp! GRASP, I tell you! GRASP AT IT! That's a pathetic effort, I see grasping is not your thing. Ah well.

Contents

[edit] Reasons To Fake Your Own Death

Putting aside the fact that real Life has proven to be very difficult to gain attention in, consider these points:

  1. There are a lot of facts to face, and here's another one: nothing you ever do is going to get you anywhere near as much attention as cyber-suicide will. You could go to the moon and back and you still wouldn't get much attention. Even if all the comments you get are "thank god he's gone!" you're still in the limelight.
  2. Once you've faked your own death you could spend a little more time with your family. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just you and your family and a little bit of fun. Heh, what do you think?

[edit] Method

[edit] Sickness

[edit] Suicide

[edit] Accident

[edit] Murder

[edit] Location, Location, Location

The forum, wiki or social shitworking site in which you choose to execute your e-personality is crucial to the process. For example, if the place you choose is very obscure or a place where nobody would give a damn about your tragic ending, obtaining internet stardom may prove impossible.

[edit] Breaking The News

[edit] Troubleshooting

[edit] Disclaimer

[Notes To Self and YTTE -- NOT Part of Article]
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