Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults.

Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991.

Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him.

So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all. (more...)

Recently featured: Vietnam War Hoax - Uncyclopedia for Dummies - HowTo:Run away from home - Blackbeard Catering Company - Really Big Tree

Yesterday's Featured Advert

Today's featured article

So, you've signed up as a contestant on a Japanese Game Show. No doubt a show of bravado to impress your friends, or maybe you have developed a deathwish due to prolonged exposure to radiation? Maybe you've watched some amusing video footage on YouTube or some hysterical viral video circulation and thought "I could do that".

Now, as you find yourself amongst a throng of eager contestants, wearing nothing but crash helmets and over-sized Sumo Wrestling nappies, adrenalin pumping around your system as you await the starting pistol to dive into an Olympic-sized swimming pool of cold custard, you understandably are having second thoughts. The bowling-ball cannons are primed and everything goes into slow motion... (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Groom Lake, Nevada After decades of denials, the veil of secrecy that has surrounded the top-secret facility known as Area 51 has been lifted. Following the construction of a visitors' center and coffee lounge, the mysterious Area is now open to tourists.

"In recent years we've seen a change in the focus of domestic intelligence," said Agent Johnson of the US Bureau of Nefarious Matters. "With all the resources going to wire-tapping, we just don't have the funds to organise a huge conspiracy of this type any more. So we've had to make 51 self funding, hence the gift shop."

"Seriously, do you know how much it costs to put tracking chips in every copy of Islam for Dummies? Well, I can't tell you, because it's classified. But it's pret-ty darn expensive." (more...)

• ...that the Earth is bipolar?

• ...that one of the Jewish holidays is based on a combination of bad Greek temper, deep fried pastries and a never-ending can of olive oil?

• ...that the first Rule of Thumb is: you do not talk about Thumb?

• ...that the butler did it?

• ...that if you uncoiled the intestines of 200 people and tied them together, you would have 200 dead people and a bunch of useless skin in coil? (What the hell were you thinking?)

• AC/DC's new single sounds too much like their other songs. (pictured)
• Barack Obama calls for a return of shows like "Eight is Enough".
• Putin accuses America of conducting an illegal Overture in Georgia.

• Joe Biden has too many hats.

• Some Asian video game released; Everyone gives rat's ass.

• God stuns Christians everywhere by rewriting the Bible.

• New research shows Earth was once full of life.

• Turtle racing is really damn boring.

• The animals of Brookfield Zoo have killed everyone in the area and plan the genocide of all humans.

• Something happened today.

• A drunk man finds driving unbelievably difficult, and then gets arrested.

• Quietly, a tiger plans an infant's murder and devouring.

• Distraught IOC members call out for more drugs in Olympics.

• Hyrule physicists report strange quantum fluctuations.

• Britney Spears yawns, which is amazing.

Pie Chart | Fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker's fuck | Rule of Three | UnPoetia:Abraham Lincoln's fair-weather waffle frolic | Bomb Shelter | NASA (rw) | Fermat's Penultimate Theorem (rw) | Gemini | Megadeth (rw) | Addition (rw) | Isaac Newton (rw) | This lint I just found on the floor | Voter Information for the 2008 US Presidential Election | The Pun Invasion of Uncyclopedia | A friendly message from the supporters of John McCain | Lysol | Why?:Buy A Timeshare | So you thought that using the Euro as currency would be all fun and games? | Tom DeLonge (Cyberman) | Are you colour-blind? |‎ Hot indiscriminate sex | The Lorax | Presidents with Ridiculously Accentuated Facial Features | Shrimping | UnBooks:One Hundred and Seventy Three Haikus About Stuff; Mostly Office Supplies (Annotated And Abridged) |

More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push

Sometimes you have to walk in the dead of night. Through back alleys and into shady neighborhoods. And sometimes you have to have to go where no human being with smell receptor cells in their nostrils should ever have to go: The sewer. There, in the shady bleakness of it all lives the polite and well-mannered creature of the night, the horrible UNDER USER. He is the purveyor of pointless military things, the wrapper of bubbles, the shopper of lists, the fucker of offs... and the acclaimed mystery author! He's Under user, and yes, I know I've said that already!

And now if you'll please follow me down the hall, we'll take a look at one of our most recent additions, the Simia erectus species, also known as the Monkey Man. Due to its distinguishable similarities to us humans, it was widely believed until recently that these particular specimens were merely ugly children. However, recent actual accomplishments in the "No Child Left Behind" laws have given us more chances to study these magnificent creatures up close. One of the most fascinating things about this species is that they can go entire days, weeks, even months, doing absolutely nothing, completely oblivious to the world around them. Then again, this individual Simian seems bored by such an uneventful life. This particular Monkey Man enjoys playing with fire, long walks on the beach, and in his spare time likes to peel his bananas. Pun intended.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Clock is ticking! There's only one more day to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!