User:Kalir/sandbocks
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Ahhh, you damned whippersnappers wouldn't know good gaming if it bit you on the nose! Whuzzat, Final Fantasy? Bah! A kid that scrawny can't lift a sword that big! You damn kids with your high tech gizmos and your androgyny. Lemme tell you about some REAL roleplaying...
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
When I was your age, we didn't have any of this newfangled online play. Heck, we were lucky to play our games by candlelight! When we wanted to go slay dragons, we got a pencil, some paper, a good old-fashioned d20, and if you really had money to burn, some miniatures to keep track of your knight or sorcerer or whatever. And we didn't have none of your super-powered champions of existence, neither! We took one class and stuck with it, come hell, high water, or encumbrance!
[edit] Basic Outline
When we made a character, we had to record all the information about them by hand. We didn't have no fancypants computer take care of it for us, no siree! We rolled four dice and dropped the lowest, and if you were really lucky, you could choose where the results went! You had your five basic ability scores, Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, and Wisdom. It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize that bastard child Charisma as a proper ability score, I tell you what!
After that, you decide your "skills" and your "feats". Yes, when we wanted to let our characters do everything, we thought of EVERYTHING, dagnabbit! There's a reason so many characters are some o' them flimsy rogues! Turn down that music! And if you wanted a new feat, you had to earn it! We got one feat every three levels (unless you were one o' them crazy fighters) and we were HAPPY to even get that! You whippersnappers take everything for granted nowadays...
[edit] How play occurs
You ever play Monopoly, sonny? Nah, you kids won't play anything unless it can download ringtones and take pictures... Anyway, in Monopoly, you have the banker, who takes care of the money for the other players. In Dungeons & Dragons, you had what we called the Dungeon Master, or the "DM", since you punks like to abbreviate every last goldurned thing like your vocal cords are shot. The Dungeon Master is like the banker: everything the players don't control, the Dungeon Master does. Whuzzat? "Why not just use a computer?" BOY get back here so I can smack the filth from your mouth! You kids wouldn't know a good Dungeon Master if he power attacked you for 50 damage!
We'd all gather around in ol' cousin Freddie's basement, and the Dungeon Master would tell us just what sort of dungeon we were in. And we didn't have any of this magical robot facility nonsense: men were men, women were women, and dungeons were dungeons! We'd roll the dice to make choices about how things would end up, and hopefully nobody died at the end of it! Now that's quality gaming.
[edit] Spells
Now, see, in your fancy-schmancy Fatal Fantasy, you kids can just throw around fireballs just like you throw around your money! Well, I grew up in a recession, which built my character, and I sure as hell didn't have infinite magic power, and you bet that built my character! If we wanted to use a spell, we had to get up at the crack o' dawn and prepare it, and we got to use that spell ONCE in the following day. And if we even wanted to cast that spell at all, we didn't DARE touch armor! Unless you were a cleric, but nobody in their right mind wanted to be a cleric anyhow. Pull up your pants!
[edit] Races
Ever heard of Tolkien, boy? No, you wouldn't, not unless he got into one of them motion pictures! Well, in my day, we had races that had literature behind them! Elves, dwarves, orcs, halflings, and maybe gnomes if you were still in diapers. What've you got, then? Lizard people? Bah, lizard people ain't good for nothing but killin! What the hell is that, some kinda Playboy bunny? GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN WITH YOUR FILTH-FLARN-FILTH!
[edit] See also
| This user is a Cake-eating Cave monkey. They have a battle rating of 2.9. |
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| Kalir | |
|---|---|
| Type | Tiny Robot Robot |
| Notable features | Walks on two spindly legs, has googly stick-on eyes, has travelled back from the future, runs on Solar Power, jams Radio transmissions |
| Force | 1 |
| Handling | 7 |
| Weaponry | 0 |
| Notable attacks | None whatsoever |
| Weaknesses | Ditto |
| |
| Kalir | |
|---|---|
| Type | Giant Man-Eating Plant |
| Notable qualities | has a mean left hook, can change colour |
| Strength | 4 |
| Agility | 1 |
| Intelligence | 4 |
| Notable attacks | Not a whit |
| Weaknesses | None to speak of |
