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“I believe this band will get nowhere because they need more cowbell.”

~ Cowbell on Keith in the Woods

“Keith is in the woods.”

~ Captain Obvious on Keith in the Woods

“But which Wood?.”

~ Some Guy on Keith in the Woods

“Fuck off”

~ User:Keith in the Woods on Some Guy

“Inflammable are better than that”

~ Ben on That pile of dog shit

“Don't lie Ben”

~ Goose on Ben

“We're the Turban Crew, we stand and we dont fall”

~ Dan on Acid

“In Soviet Russia Wood is in the KEITH”

~ Russian Reversal on Keith in the Woods

Keith in the Woods are a melodic death metal/power metal/comedy metal band from Derby in Britain.

[edit] History

The idea of the band was formed at Sophie's birthday party in summer 06. Alfie said that the now dead and gone inflammable band should be called keith in the woods. This never happend because ben [who started inflammable] thought inflammable was way cooler. However Dan and Joe decided to take this idea further with a new band a couple of months later.

Its been a hard struggle finding band members and a bassist and keyboardist are still needed. If you live in derby, like melodic death/power/heavy metal, keyboard/bass you probably know someone called vonnie so tell her, she seems to know everyone.

Joe co-founded Keith in the Woods and he and dan were the first members. Initially he was inspired to play keyboard by "Bed of Razors by Children Of Bodom but then went back to his first dream to play drums. As it stands, joe does'nt actually have access to a drumkit and donations would be appreciated. All he asks for is about £60 for a three piece drumkit with double bass kicks. He would also like a cowbell. Joes decided against playing guitar as he frankly sucks but he does enjoy pissing around with wahmmy bars. Goose is now learning how to do vocals and will probably play the keyboard as well.

Look at those cowbells :P

Dan co-founded the band with Goose and he would like to think that he has helped the band get through its problems, such as realising that Jaz will never play bass for us, and that Tom would rather have an asian friend before being our vocalist. Dan has been playing guitar for 2 years and is acceptable; but everyone, apart from Alexi Laiho could improve. He uses an Epiphone les paul custom and a Jackson RR3, the Jackson kicks ass and is way better than the Epiphone. Dan also enjoys using whammy bars but believes the sould be used by the person playing guitar, not by Joe grabbing at it when someone else is playing.

Jackson RR3 that dan HAS, for a few reasons, 1.Alexi Laiho has a guitar similar to it 2.have a look at it, only jackson could come up with a ridiculously awesome design like that and 3.Gibson flying v's aren't pointy enough

Andy joined Keith in the Woods when Joe told him to in late November. Andy can play bass well but just needs a song to learn, so Joe told him to learn "Are You Dead Yet?" by Children Of Bodom. Andy has some quite frankly awesome ideas to put towards the band, such as everyone wearing afros in varing colours and using terrorists in live performances. He uses an Encore bass. However he left because of "emo reasons".

The news of koya joining the band is has heightened the bands spirits and lead to "works like a crack whore" to be created. Whereas Koya has only recently taken up guitar, he is progressing well and is much better than joe, who cant play power chords. Koya has the exorcist theme tune and a song with 2 random chords that he doesnt know in his knowledge and is learning "self esteem" by The Offspring. Koya then left the band becoause he likes japapanese pop and not melodic death metal.

Pizzey is in the band cos goose finally let him. Pizzey started playing guitar because dan made him, he has an epiphone les paul standard thats trans blue, and he somehow "broke" the sustain. Pizzey is pretty good on guitar and has a line 6 spyder 30 amp. He now a jackson KE3 Kelly and has learnt how to play it to an agreeable skill.

Toms played on ukulele. Tom started the ukulele inspiration for KitW, it is even said that he invented the ukulele but georges relatives stole his design and only recently, Tom has gotten hold of a uke. Tom is extremely competant on uke and is set to be the next Jake Shimabukuro. Actually, the jurys out on whether Tom is in the band, he may just be an honourary mamber, or he might just have been pissing around with us when he said hes in the band.

Oscar Wilde is in the band because.......i dont know why hes in the band, goose put it in the atricle so that it looked more like a normal uncyclopedia article and worships oscar wilde.

[edit] RS Crew

The RS Crew is not really related to Keith in the Woods but 4 of the 5 people in it are [or used to be] in Keith in the Woods. Dan, Joe, Jas, Koya and James make up the RS Crew and they even have an RS van [their schools minibus]. They were created in an RS lesson and Joe is the leader. He summons the RS Crew by using a sport relief keyring that makes a tapping noise. Koya was shit at RS, just like Dan and Joe and hated it, Just like Dan and Joe so Koya left. Lucky Bastard.

[edit] Current line-up

Joe "Goose" - Vocals, Keyboard

Dan "ramP" - lead guitar, Backup vocals

Pizzey "Pizzey" - Rhythm guitar

Oscar Wilde "i have no nick name" - sex appeal/backing vocals (wtf goose?!) (only one of us with a brain that works <----Pizzey)

[edit] Former members (kind of)

Jas "jazzy Fizzle" - bass

Koya "i have no nickname" - rhythm guitar

Andy "emo kid" - bass

Tom "Tom" - ukulele

[edit] Track Listing

This is the track listing for Keith in the Woods soon to be unpopular album "Flying pig with green neon lights".

1: Penarse

2: Lemon of Doom

3: AAG

4: Hate Hobbit

5: Turban Crew

6: Chesspiece Gangrape

7: Looks like a duck with glasses

8: ʕʊŋṬ ʄḶɑΡ

9: Works like a crack whore

10: Like a lemon, thats right, like a lemon

11: Ben Tenfold

Bonus tracks:

Tihs=elpoep

The Whammy Bar of Destiny

Are You Dead Yet? cover.....probably

Still Waiting cover.....maybee onlything we can play together at the moment kind of but its sum 41 who are the most hated band because we used to like them because they goin emo and ben ball aka pube head aka 2 can ben (because it takes half a can from 2 cans 2 get him drunk the lightweight)

Currently, only ʕʊŋṬ ʄḶɑΡ, Lemon Of Doom and Hate Hobbit are complete, and the only songs that are definately being workes on are Penarse and Ben Tenfold. The others will be done if the band, can be arsed. These songs are in varying states of completeness; Penarse is on intro and fisrt verse, as is Ben Tenfold. Goose gave writing Turban Crew a go, but when dan read the tabs he fell into a coma, which unfortunately coincided with his GCSE exams...oh well.

[edit] Trivia

• Keith in the Woods are influenced by Children Of Bodom, Eternal Tears of Sorrow, Norther, Cannibal Corpse, Tsjuder, Necrophagist, JJob For A Cowboy, Slipknot, System of a Down and Tenacious D. They have a track list with 3 songs complete and 2 in the making.

Look out!! Its a yarn snake!!

• Song writing is in progress and "ʕʊŋṬ ʄḶɑΡ", "Hate Hobbit", "The Lemon Of Doom" and "penarse" have full lyrics. ʕʊŋṬ ʄḶɑΡ, Lemon of Doom and Hate Hobbit finally have music for them.

• Dan and Joe are writing guitar pieces; Dan has taken a more traditional approach, like using some sort of key, Joe has taken a more interesting approach and is writing insane riffs that Dan cant play, just because Joe cant play guitar it doesn't mean he wont write music.

• Keith in the Woods mascot is a hyper trainee ninja grim reaper called Melvin. The idea of Melvin was invented in a maths lesson when Joe tried to draw a new type of flying v. It sucked soo badly that Dan could see a little grim reaper in the making. A few tweeks and Melvin was born.

• Dans Jackson appeal finally payed off, he raised around £30 by scabbing of people (goose and pizzey and even the japanese kid) and now has required amount for the Jackson, AND NOW HAS ONE ^^.

• Keith in the Woods hate Green Day, Nirvana and Mcfly

• As Keith in the Woods are a low budget band (26p) they use Jackson Epiphone, Behringer, Crate and Line 6.

[edit] The people behind the band

• Pizzey is a genius
• Goose enjoys the pleasure of grue huffing
• Dan is a porn star
• Goose is Dislexic Deslexic Can't spell (dyslexic)
• Koya is not japanese but Japapanese, he also resembles a lemon
• Jas is the worlds biggest pimp with a total of ZOMGHAX amount of hoes and he has a fair few garden hoes aswell
• Tom is racist
• Dan is a Dumb Ass Nigga
• Goose pwns two shotguns
• Pizzey possibly burns dans work

[edit] Reasons why ben is an idiot by PB

ben can be a real cunt he likes FOB lol LMAO LMAO

[edit] General Stuff

The following things/people helped start KitW without knowing it:

• Alexi Laiho

• Jack Black

• Herman Li

• Penguins

Alexi doing what he usually does

And thats why lesbians rock

a rare photo of Herman before he killed someone via Sonic Boom

Stalkers of Keith in the Woods:

• George, when KitW initially started, George bribed his way into the band by bringing in various Fenders that none likes. However KitW didnt want him because:

• he likes the shit band Nirvana.

• he likes the shit band Green Day.

• Hes in a fucking wheelchair

Lesbians

Lesbians rock....fact. Messing with this point in anyway will cause you to be hunted by a grue and just before you die have an ape shoved up your ass causing your head to asplode. No arguments. None at all.

[edit] Quotes

• dan: "Sheep Falls Down!"

• joe: "Goats are touching your crumpets"

• jas "I am NOT married", " I am your father" , "Die infidel", "I am not Bin Laden's nephew" "Shutup" "I want to play slaps" "Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beeeep", "Oh" "How" "She's an ageing red headed witch who gives me cookies"

• ben "DUH....DEH.DUH.DUURR..." incomprehensible drunk imression of Master Of Puppets at Download which george milked sooo badly. nob bucket.

• Haydn: "dan you're gonna be a pornstar arent you"

• Weebl: "eurgh dicksprouts!!"

• crossfire1278: "Whats the music? "Emo Faggot" by Good Charlotte?" [some guy off youtube]