Today's featured article
When one intends to rob a bank, the best plan is to have a plan. It's like those alliterating bastards always say, proper planning prevents piss poor productivity. As such, plan on having a plan. Make sure this plan you plan is planned well, unless you plan on planning some jail time, too. The best plan of them all, however, is not for the faint of heart. It is as illegal as it is dangerous, and would lower your societal position to new depths. You'd be lower than an adulterer. Lower than a murderer. Lower than the rapingest rapist ever to rape a rapee. Lower than the economy. Lower than the moral sensitivity of that guy in the mental institution. However, you'd be fucking richer than those guys on Wall Street, so get in there and rob a bank with your penis.. (more...)
Yesterday's featured article
Written in 1985 by Chris Van Allsburg, Polar (s)Express: Hot Chocolate is the story of a magical, North Pole bound vehicle that trolls suburban neighborhoods at night, enticing children with promises of meeting Santa Claus and "Hot Chocolate." It won all sorts of awards I can't be bothered to name right now, and was turned into a mediocre CGI movie in 2004.
Mr. Allsburg is still at large for his horrible crimes.
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Did you know...
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- ...that you are likely to be eaten by a Grue?
- ...that those lousy unicorns think they're better than you?
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In the news
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- Bank Marathon to replace Bank Run in next olympics.
- Some of our bases have been repatriated. Hooray!
- KKK makes controversial decision to back Obama for president.
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On this day...
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October 12: International day of using Bible Verses for any purpose whatsoever
- 29 - From the Book of Punter, Chapter 4, verse 19: "And Bob doth sayeth unto thee, the only thing we have to fear, is me." At this, the people became frightened, and began to question Bob about his faith and relationship to the Nazorean, Jim.
- 1322 - As being hauleth up the cliffs of insanity, Vizzini informeth Fezzik "Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Art this not conceivable to thy smallish cranium?"[1]
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[2]
- 1695 - Isaac Newton discovereth the Golden Rule.[3]
- 1696 - Isaac Newton gets badly bruised after attempting to get retribution on his schoolyard bullies.
- 1775 - Anne Frankle predicts the first International Day of Using Bible Verses for any Purpose Whatsover, in the Lord's name.
- 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me"[4]
- 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[5]
- 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.[6]
- 1992 - Zoe Fragkoy Birthday of the princess of beauty.
- 1995 - Bill Clinton declareth on oath that thrice was he beaten with rods, once was he stoned, thrice he suffered shipwreck, and a night and a day he has been in the deep.[7]
- 1999 - The Red Hot Chili Peppers successfully committeth Californication with all the kingdoms of the world upon the face of the earth.[8]
- 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh an law that will cut off from the people him that pisseth against a wall.[9]
- 2004 - A court sentenceth Martha Stewart to six months in chains, as well threaten to smite her with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew.[10]
- 2009 - Spiderman dies by a black widow.
- 2010 - George W. Bush quotes Ezekiel 25:17 to God before popping a cap in his own ass.[11]
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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What can one possibly say about Hyperbole? In the past few months, his writing has liberated the Uncyclopedia people from the chains of mediocrity. He's practically rewritten the entire comedic bible in his stay at this website. Funnier than a bear is strong! Why, the sheer significance of this amazing writer's talents, completely eclipses the significance of events as important as 9-11! And that's not all. "Hype" as we like to call him, is quite the ladies man. Women are just falling all over him!!! And so am I! I'm falling all over him! I'm infatuated with this writer's REVOLUTIONARY contributions to comedy! I'm going to die! Do you hear me?! I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!! That's how good he is!
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A man of a thousand names, Multiliteralist is also apparently a man of a thousand literalists. Last month he arrived at Uncyclopedia with his metaphorical guns blazing, which was probably good, because arriving at Uncyclopedia with actual guns blazing probably would've resulted in some injuries. During Multiliteralist's short time here, he has already educated people about the horrible danger of the blank hole, the dangerous horror of the Spiteworm, the undeniable benefits of Total TrashTM, and the horribly dangerous horror-danger of the Cult of Klestosapharot.
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