User:RAHB/UnScripts:Dragonball Z: The Failed Pilot

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Dragonball Z is an anime action television show that has had wide success across the world over the 1990's and the 2000's, mainly in Japan and the United States. If you haven't heard of it, chances are you've never been to the internet, watched TV, or gone to junior high school. Or you're too old. That could be it. Despite this, a quick look at its Wikipedia entry could probably tell you the plot of the entire series in less than a half an hour of reading.

Those familiar with the series will remember its opening few episodes, involving the main character Goku, his wife Chi Chi, and their son Gohan, as they find out that Goku and Gohan are descended from a race of aliens called the Saiyans. They meet Raditz, Goku's previously unknown brother and, several boring half-hour segments full of exposition and a combined 50 frames of real animation later, Goku defeats Raditz, and his burly, no-haired henchman, Nappa. Vegeta becomes the fan favorite, and leads a life of schizophrenia, changing back and forth between good and bad guy for the rest of eternity. Eventually, everybody is happy, and evil is defeated.

And that's it. Originally anyway. You see, despite the fact that the animation budget was only a couple hundred dollars, the producers didn't really like the show's idea. It was to "straight to the point," and only made for a few episodes of television at best. That meant less profit, which meant less back rubs, less complimentary chocolates, and less company underwater barbecues on the weekends. In order to add some sort of commercial value to the series, villains were made more powerful, an elaborate back-story was created, and aliens like Frieza and Cell were improvised into the story line, loosely based on what were originally very uneventful "battles" with large Japanese Beetles that often infested the Executive Producer's back yard.

The following is a transcription of what was originally intended to be a one episode television special. It was the entire story basically. Guys like Vegeta didn't even exist yet, and the writers hadn't yet realized how much money could be made by just stretching it out with hours of exposition in order to fill entire seasons. This one episode basically did what the entire first season of Dragonball Z did, showing just how easy it is to make a crappy anime action show. Anyway, here is the (much better than any episode I've ever seen) original in its entirety.

[edit] Scene One: A Nice Family Meal

Goku is sitting in his home with his wife Chi Chi and his son Gohan. In traditional Japanese style, there are no chairs in the room and they are sitting on the floor eating noodles with chopsticks. Young Gohan is furiously slurping up his food, imitating his much more irreverent father who sits across from him. Chi Chi has a pissed off expression on her face.

Chi Chi: Honestly Goku, could you possibly slurp those noodles any louder?

Goku: (with mouth full) Well, I could try. (Goku proceeds to voraciously slurp up the noodles)

Chi Chi: Honestly Goku, you're setting such a bad example for our son, who will absolutely never be a warrior or fighter if I have anything to say about it, and who is going to live in this home until the day I die.

Gohan: (with mouth full) I wanna be just like you Daddy! (continues slurping, trying to catch up to Goku's pace)

Goku: That's my boy!

Past Chi Chi's increasingly frustrated face, we see out the window a spacecraft of some sort hit the ground with a crash. Rather than animate actual moving people and objects here, the creators opted to just show two or three frames back and forth and shake them around a bunch in front of the camera, to signify the earth-shattering nature of the craft's landing. Goku has somehow landed on his head, but has not fallen to the ground, perhaps supported by the enormous blue polygon that has now engulfed his face.

Chi Chi: Goodness! What was that?

Goku: (miraculously returned to his previous upright sitting position, with a fully in tact bowl of noodles in hand) Beats me. (continues to slurp his noodles loudly)

Gohan: I wanna be just like you Daddy! (resumes slurping his own miraculous indestructible bowl of noodles)

Goku: That's my boy!

Chi Chi: Goku, I'm scared. Go out there and check it out or I'll kick your ass so hard, you won't be able to recognize it... Take Gohan with you.

Goku: (mouth full) Do I have to?

Chi Chi: (picks up the indestructible noodle bowl and hurls it across the room, breaking it into tiny pieces) Get going!

[edit] Scene Two: Wandering Through The Woods

Goku and Gohan are walking through the woods. They have never been to this part of the woods before, nor do they seem to actually know where they will find this craft. In fact, watching it over, I don't even fucking know where these woods came from. They live in a huge grassy field. A huge grassy field is not a fucking forest. Anyway, the two of them are walking forward at a pace that would suggest to the casual viewer that they know exactly where they're going (which they most certainly do not). This premonition becomes entirely dispelled by the obvious surprise of the two when they stumble upon the site of the crash, and the ship that is laying there, smoldering in the dirt. That's right. First grass. Then woods. Now dirt.

Goku: UH?

Gohan: AHHH?

A man is seen climbing out of the craft. He has massive hair that goes down to his ankles, a few scars on his face, and a monocle.^[1] He dusts himself off, turns halfway towards Goku and Gohan, and begins to speak, face toward the ground.

Raditz: So, Kakarrot-

Gohan: WHO'S KAKARROT WHO ARE YOU WHAT'S GOING ON I WANT MY MOMMY DON'T HURT US WHAT DO YOU WANT DON'T HURT MY DADDY MY DADDY WILL BEAT YOU HE PROMISED HE'D ALWAYS PROTECT US I'M GOING TO BE JUST LIKE HIM (Goku finds time to interject: "That's my boy!") MY DADDY WILL BEAT YOU SO BAD YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE I-

Raditz: (grabs the child by the lips) Shut up. (turns to Goku) So, Kakarrot. It's been many years. Do you remember me?

Goku: Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Who are you?

Raditz: (amused) Dearest Kakarrot, don't tell me, you don't remember....YOU'RE OWN BROTHER! (flashes eyes up at Goku, eliciting a stunned reaction)

In preparation for commercial break, the screen fades to black.

[edit] Scene Three: The Unveiling

Screen fades in from black. Goku and Gohan are staring at Raditz with that "No! You're fucking kidding me!" face, and Raditz is smiling at the ground.

Gohan: (begins beating on Raditz's boots, one fist at a time, crying) YOU LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE HE DOESN'T HAVE A BROTHER NOBODY EVER TOLD ME ABOUT A BROTHER YOU-

Raditz: (picks the boy up by his hair and flings him 30 yards behind his shoulder with the flick of a wrist; Gohan lands and lifts up his head to smile and laugh, toothless, but unharmed) So Kakarrot, as I was saying. My name is Raditz, and I am your brother.

Goku: I don't have a brother.

Raditz: Yes you do. You are a member of an alien race called the Saiyans. We lived on the planet Vegeta before it was destroyed by-

Goku: You don't look like an alien.

Raditz: ...What?

Goku: Aren't aliens green with little antennae?

Raditz: Look, just because one type of alien is green doesn't mean all alie-

Goku: I dunno. The aliens I always hear about are green. Sometimes they're gray, but that's stretching it.

Raditz: Look, you are a Saiyan, ok? It's easy to test it. Have you ever turned into a giant gorilla without knowing why it happened?

Goku: (stunned) How did you know about that?!^[2]

Raditz: I fucking told you, you idiot. You are part of an alien race called-

Goku: No no. The doctor said it was just a side effect from some bad noodles I ate.

Raditz: Well fucking duh. Do you think the doctor is really going to tell you "you're part of an alien race called the Saiyans?"

Goku: Hmmmmm.....I'd be more comfortable with hearing it if it was from a doctor.

Raditz: (slaps face in frustration) I'm a doctor, alright?! Is that what you want to hear?! Look, I need to know if you're going to help me destroy the universe. If not, we're going to have to fight. And no turning into a giant gorilla! That is so not fair!

Goku: How are you speaking English?

Raditz: WHAT?!

Goku: If you're an alien, how come I can understand you? How can you speak English?

Raditz: Alright, first of all, we're not speaking English. We're speaking Japanese with semi-decent English overdubs. Secondly, if you believe in little green aliens with antennae, why don't you believe in aliens who can comprehend every language in the universe?

Goku: Well, I do.

Raditz: ...But?

Goku: But you're not a little green alien with antennae.

Raditz: .....

Goku: Maybe if you were green with antennae I'd believe you. (starts to turn and walk away)

Raditz: (jumps all the way the fuck over Goku and lands on the other side of him, facing him) Listen here you little shit! If you're not going to help me destroy the universe, I'm going to have to destroy you! I don't care how oblivious you are, I can't risk the chance of you finding out what your true power is and using it against me!

Goku: Yeah right.

Raditz: You give me no choice Kakarrot. You could have been an almighty ruler. But now, I fear, it is too late for you. (raises hands above head) Your days are numbered, and I'm the fucking math teacher.

Goku: ...What?

Raditz: Well...uh, you know what I'm talking about. Now PREPARE YOURSELF! Being of my own blood, I shall make your death will be quick and painless.

Goku: Bring it on, green man.

Raditz: What?

Goku: Well...you know what I'm talking about. (jumps up into the air)

Raditz: Grrr... (jumps up into the air as well)

We are now treated to the site of Goku and Raditz fighting each other in the air. An elaborate battle sequence follows, consisting of a total of four distinct and different images being flashed upon the screen repeatedly. Each of the characters grunts loudly several times and yells in their own different trademark vocal pitch.^[3]

[edit] end

Raditz: (falls to his knees) God.....da.....dammit..... (collapses, dead)

Goku: Fucking guy must have been a Communist. (begins to dramatically walk away into the sunset)

Gohan: (out of fucking nowhere, teeth returned to his formerly toothless mouth) I wanna be just like you Daddy! (begins tagging along)

Goku: HAH! HAH! HAH! That's my boy!

The two of them walk away into the sunset, as the camera lowers, we see Raditz's limp, bloody body rising to fill the screen. The camera gets to his pitch black hair and continues to lower, the color of the hair now engulfing the screen. After a moment, words flash on the screen.

THE END

The words are proceeded by a Japanese metal song that has dueling guitar and kicks ass, overdubbed over a picture of a huge-ass dragon (which we never actually saw). As the theme ends, a cloud flies by with Goku and Gohan riding on it, laughing. The screen goes black.

---

1. ↑ Remember the whole OVER 9000! phenomenon? Yeah. Never would have happened if the producers hadn't replaced that monocle with an advanced power-level reader thingy. I personally like the monocle better.
2. ↑ The original Goku never really turned into a gorilla. He tried to have sex with a gorilla once, but that didn't translate very well to an American viewing audience. (The Japanese didn't really care, but we're talking about maximum profit here)
3. ↑ Interesting fact about the series: Only one of the long, screaming yelps that characters make when they fight was ever actually recorded. The same yelp was pitch-shifted, slowed down, sped up, or otherwise heavily modified in some way with audio technology every time a different character needed to yelp over the course of the series. Somehow, this constituted for about 75% of the show's budget.